The f-word

Some of my readers know that I have a peculiar interest in the f-word. I'm sure I don't have to explain what word I'm talking about - even my younger readers aren't that young.

Anyway, I came across this article in the Wall Street Journal today about the Supreme Court hearing a case involving U2 band front man Bono and his run-in with the FCC at the 2003 Golden Globe Awards, where upon winning an award, the singer exclaimed on live TV "This is really, really f---ing brilliant!" The FCC declared his remark "shocking and gratuitous," and a threat to "the well-being of the nation's children." You can read the full article here:

"Don't Read His Lips - You Might Be Offended" - Wall Street Journal, Nov. 4, 2008

Sometimes I look back on the past few decades of my life and marvel at how acceptable the f-word has become. I still remember a time when it was absolutely taboo to say it in the workplace. I grew up in a family and community that is much more genteel than my present surroundings - I can't recall a single instance of my parents using that word, for example.

But I still remember one night about a year ago when I was walking into the mall here in New Jersey and there was an older woman dropping f-bombs literally every sentence in a conversation. Of course, my family uses it frequently, but I think they try to restrain themselves around me.

Personally, I'm not offended by hearing the f-word, and I've been known to let one slip maybe once a month. I just feel that if the FCC is right, that the word is "one of the most vulgar, graphic and explicit" words "in the English language," maybe we should save it for when it's really justified instead of wearing it out like a favorite pair of shoes.

"Decode" video premieres

Lots of Twilight-related stuff, since as some of you know, it's so addictive!

The Wall Street Journal on Friday ran a story on the front page of the Lifestyle section about the evolution of vampires in literature, from Bram Stoker to Stephenie Meyer, going from monster to sensitive alpha male. It's quite interesting.

"Real Men Have Fangs" - Wall Street Journal, Oct. 31, 2008

The video for Paramore's "Decode" from the soundtrack premiered today on MTV.com - nice forest scenery, and some new clips from the upcoming movie.

Paramore - New Music - More Music Videos

Also, here are two TV trailers for the upcoming movie - unlike the book, Bella gets a little frisky in her undies (which one fan comments is wrong because Edward would tear them off with his teeth if things got that far).

Hunger


Check out this video: Event



All for now - back to work.

Samhain at the Met

It was a wonderful Samhain for Tara and I, and we did a little of everything. We woke up together and had our breakfast together, to the strains of Vivaldi's The Four Seasons. Then we drove into the city where I surprised her with a tour of Acquavella Galleries, which had a special exhibit of Pablo Picasso's Marie Therese, a series of colorful and erotic paintings inspired by the painter's chance encounter with 17-year-old Marie-Therese Walter. The artist, then a 45-year-old father, was instantly enthralled by the young, voluptuous blonde girl, and for the next nine years, she was to be the artist's greatest love and inspiration.

After the quick tour, we went back to the car and got our baseball gloves and played catch in Central Park. Then we walked a few blocks to Papaya King for some of their famous hot dogs. Kids were trick-or-treating at the stand, and instead of hot dogs, they were giving out small, unripe oranges (much to the chagrin of the kids, if not their parents).

We came back to the Met and found it blissfully uncrowded, and it was pure heaven to walk through some of the galleries all by ourselves without the usual weekends crowds. Tara took lots of pictures, including this one of me in one empty gallery:



We finished at the Temple of Dendur, which looks spectacular in the dark and mysterious when it's empty of crowds. Then I dropped her off at home and finished my basketball game, a second win in a row for the Rockets, a good start to the season.

Poly advice column

Last week in my routine media monitoring activity, I picked up an item from the Guardian, one of the major daily newspapers in the UK, about a woman seeking advice from a cheating spouse who claimed he was "polyamorous" to explain his relationships to two other women. Unfortunately, he was also being deceitful and disrespectful of his spouse of 15 years. Guardian readers were invited to offer advice to the reader for the following week's column, and several wrote in explaining the concept of responsible non-monogamy, and how this was not it. I also helped my Polyamorous NYC group draft a response from the president, but unfortunately it was not used in the column, which you can read here:

Private Lives: Is his 'polyamory' just an excuse?

And here's the response that I wrote for the president to submit:

Your partner is giving polyamory a bad name by deceiving, dishonoring, and disrespecting you. Polyamory is consensual and responsible non-monogamy, and as president of Polyamorous NYC (www.poly-nyc.com), one of the largest such organizations in the world, I can say it is possible to have multiple relationships successfully. My advice is to find some polyamory support groups in your area or research the term online so that you can better express what you want and need from the relationship. Once you and your partner realize there is a better way to pursue a polyamorous lifestyle, you can make an educated decision on what's best for both of you.

It's unfortunate that no one gave the advice we advocated, which is to learn more about polyamory so she could explain why her spouse is doing it wrong and better express what she wants out of the relationship. But at least the columnist gave the advice that is one of my cornerstone tenets, that we are each responsible for our own happiness. I particularly liked the way she phrases it:

In order to be happy, it's not necessary to have a partner or to have any particular person or thing at all. It is, however, necessary to assume responsibility for your own happiness, and to establish principles for the kind of life that will make you feel proud of yourself.

The upshot to this is how polyamory is becoming, if not acceptable, at least understandable to a larger audience than ever before, and there is at least some balance to stories like this. In the past, I wouldn't have expected a single respondent to offer anything other than "your spouse is cheating on you - leave him." While in this case it was a pretty clear case the husband was being abusive to the reader, at least there was some acknowledgement that polyamory can be done a "right" way and a "wrong" way. That's progress, methinks.

Bear Mountain

After a dreary Saturday fighting tropical storm-like weather close to home, Sunday dawned clear and brilliant and my family went out in search of adventure. We found an Oktoberfest festival at Bear Mountain State Park in New York, and even though none of us drink beer, it seemed like a fun thing to do in a place that we all love to visit.

We drove north for about an hour to Bear Mountain and drove to the top of the mountain first to take in the scenic views. Afterwards, we went down to the park at the base and looked at the craft fair listened to a few polka songs from the live band. Here's a photo of me taken by Bug with the Hudson River Valley behind me:



Here is a photo from Perkins Tower at the top of the mountain, showing all the fall foliage:



And here is a photo of the crystal-clear Hessian Lake where we sat and ate Belgian waffles and ice cream:



It seems like this weekend has been so short - I'm not ready to go back to work, but alas, I must. However, I am thinking about taking off Samhain (Oct. 31) to spend the day with Tara celebrating the pagan new year. I have a surprise destination near the Met in mind that I hope will delight her on Friday.

Wicked!

I went to see Wicked on Broadway Tuesday night with Lori, and it was spectacular. The untold story of the witches from the Wizard of Oz strikes me as a musical version of the way The Mists of Avalon tells the story of the women behind the legend of King Arthur. It was funny, charming, and a visual cornucopia, especially the flying effects at the end of Act One ("Defying Gravity"). I had checked out the soundtrack from the library months ago and put it on my iPod, not intending to listen to it until I'd seen the show, so I listened to it on the train ride home - how's that for instant gratification?

The songs are really starting to grow on me, and you can hear them online at the Web site's Music Player. One duet at the end of the show has a particularly poignant lyric that makes me think of Tara and what we've been through the last four years - the song is called "For Good" and the first part goes like this:

I've heard it said that people come into our lives
For a reason, bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow
If we let them and we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true,
But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
Because I knew you I have been changed for good.

Staying put

I got some bad news today - my biggest client, the one I spend the vast majority of my days working for, has decided to terminate the account because of the recent financial meltdown. This actually has quite a trickle-down effect for me, as I'll explain briefly.

As you know, I've been planning to buy a house next year when my apartment lease runs out. In August, I was talking seriously with my family about the possibility of all buying one together, but it didn't get very far because I don't think we're ready for that yet. So I was pretty much ready to start looking for a house for just myself, so I can get away from annoyingly noisy neighbors and start building some equity instead of paying ungodly amounts of money for rent that I'll never see again.

However, as everyone knows, in September we had the Wall Street disaster, which is still lingering in the form of tightened credit markets and stricter mortgage requirements. In a nutshell, buying a house these days requires a larger downpayment and more security in the form of co-signers or large cash reserves that I simply don't have. Consider this story in the New York Times about young couples getting help from their families to buy real estate:

"Mixing Money and Family" - Oct. 20, 2008

Now, it is entirely possible that the market can turn around, but I'm not betting on that to happen anytime soon, despite the efforts of our elected officials. Add the fact that I have a Certificate of Deposit expiring at the end of this month that I was going to use as part of my downpayment, but at this point it seems wiser to renew it and just stay in the apartment for another year. I would have to give my intention to vacate in January if I was going to leave in March when my lease is up to avoid breaking my lease, and I just can't feel secure enough with my job and the economy to make that leap.

Besides all the hard financial realities I'm dealing with, there's also the instability of my family situation. I don't know what's going to happen with all of us, and it seems unwise to make any big decisions when things are so unsettled. While I don't feel like I need to wait on them per se, in the face of all the other issues, it seems best to delay the decision until everything else improves and I'm really ready to make the jump, and then reevaluate where I am with my relationships and life in general.

I try not to worry too much about the future, but I really hope I don't have to starting looking for a new job on top of all this - that would suck. I've never been a job-hopper - my last two jobs averaged about 7 years each, and I've been here for 2 years and three months so far. I might be getting worked up for nothing, but always best to be prepared when the signs aren't favorable.

Potpourri

I have quite a potpourri of stuff to talk about, and very little time to do it, so I'm just going to do a stream of consciousness kind of post, omitting some of the formal language I usually employ. Please forgive the brevity.

First of all, proud to say that my alma mater, the University of Houston, is the first school in Texas to offer a gay-lesbian minor concentration in their undergraduate degree program. I'm sure this is at least partly the result of HGTA members at UH, but I forget their names.

"Lessons in diversity" - Houston Chronicle, Oct. 20, 2008

Had an interesting day yesterday - went to dance class with Agnieszka, where we learned the finer points of stripping out of different types of street clothes. Then I rode the subway up to the old Yankee Stadium to meet up with my family and take one of the final tours before they demolish it. Here's a photo Tara took of us in the dugout - Bug is taking my picture behind Bee.



Then rode the subway back downtown to South Street Seaport to meet a new friend, Polina, for a presentation of short films at a LGBT film festival. Polina and I have both been going to Polyamorous NYC meetings for several months now, but only actually met each other at the Poly Pride rally earlier this month, where we were both volunteers. Since then we've been getting to know each other and have gotten quite close, despite spending only a total of a few hours together. What's interesting is that she's the first person I've met who falls under three of my umbrella characteristics: pansexual, polyamorous and transgender (she identifies as gender fluid, meaning she alternates between masculine and feminine presentation). There's definitely the beginnings of attraction on my part, but we'll have to see how things turn out.

Speaking of characteristics, I recently took a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator profile for work, and what's interesting isn't so much the type I scored (INFP, for those interested). The interesting thing is that my type has changed since the last time I took the test at my old job in Houston, four or five years ago. Your type is not supposed to change throughout life - it's supposed to be your innate preferences. In my case, I swapped a "T" (for thinking) for an "F" (stands for feeling), which makes a lot of sense to me, considering the changes I've gone through in the past few years. Despite my tendency to overthink things, I'm much less of a thinker than I used to be in my previous life, and much less reliant on logic and objective analysis. Now I primarily make decisions based on my values and subjective evaluation of person-centered concerns. My description of my complete type, which I think is pretty accurate, goes as follows:

· Sensitive, concerned, and caring
· Loyal to people or a cause
· Guided by an inner core of values in decision making
· Focused on contributing to their own and others' inner development and growth
· Committed to a strong personal belief system
· Likely to enjoy reading, discussing, and reflecting on possibilities for positive change
· Usually seen by others as sensitive, introspective, and complex

Kind of sounds like prerequisites for being poly, among other things, doesn't it? Hope everyone had a nice weekend, and I'll be back soon.

The science of hugs

Here's a little tidbit from a new book called "Hug Your People: The Proven Way to Hire, Inspire, and Recognize Your Employees and Achieve Remarkable Results" by Jack Mitchell. I found this in my Cuddle Monsters newsletter today. Hugs are something we should all be practicing, so consider this a public service announcement.

HOW TO HUG

Most times, at least here in the U.S., when we go in for a hug we go towards the person's right cheek. Maybe this is because most of us are right handed, but it seems to be the norm. If you do the muscle testing after this hug, you'll find that your muscle is weaker, meaning your energy level is down. However, when we hug left cheek to left cheek instead, the muscle testing shows that we are stronger, or that our energy level is up.

Why is this?

When we hug on the right side, we're connecting liver to liver. Our liver is where we hold our anger, so we are actually sharing our anger with each other for a brief moment. That weakens our energy. On the other hand, when we hug left to left, we connect at our heart centers, where we hold our love. So for that brief moment, we are sharing our love from that place in our hearts. Try it, and see if you can feel the difference!

Followers unite!

I've added a Followers widget to my blog on the left side in my navbar, so if you'd like to use it to stay updated with this blog, be my guest.

Thanks for reading!

Third anniversary

Lots of good stuff happened this weekend. Tara stayed over Friday night and we had a leisurely Saturday morning breakfast to the sounds of Yes instead of our usual classical soundtrack. It was the first time in a couple weeks we've had one of those. Also nice is that she's getting a little more used to sleeping in my bed, which is considerably softer than hers. I try to do my best to make her comfortable when she's at my place, but there's not much I can do about the bed.

Saturday night we had dinner and watched The Rock as a little break since we're out of new Heroes episodes now. It's rather funny watching such a testosterone-fueled movie with a roomful of girls. If the movie wasn't so loud, you could probably hear the eyes rolling in our heads. However, I did balance that out with a solo viewing of The Notebook earlier in the day, which of course made me cry my eyes out.

Sunday I went into the city with Agnieszka for the start of our series of burlesque dance classes. There are 13 or 14 women signed up for the class, one other that we recognized from our last class. Sunday's class was actually the exact same class we took before, but this time we weren't 30 minutes late, so we learned feather boa technique that we had missed last time. Our teacher, Jo, invited us to stay for the following class on dance movement, so we did that class too, before Agnieszka went to see a play with another friend and I went home to eat dinner.

Then yesterday I took Columbus Day off work to celebrate my third anniversary of meeting Tara here in New York. The actual date is Oct. 14, 2005 - an important date in my personal fairy tale. As such stories usually do, it took place on a dark and stormy night, and so many things went wrong, from me oversleeping and missing my flight to her getting soaked in the city all day waiting for me. But miracles do happen, and we were able to meet right where we wanted to, in front of the Tiffany window in the American Wing of the Metropolitan Museum, barely 30 minutes before closing time. Our first meeting, our first kiss, and the start of this amazing journey together.

To celebrate, I took her for breakfast at my favorite bagel place near my office, then we rode the tramway to Roosevelt Island (her first time) and walked around the south end of the island (which in hindsight wasn't the most picturesque part, but it was also more private).

After we got back from the island we stopped at the tri-level Dylan's Candy Bar, which is a much bigger version than the one in the Houston Galleria. We got some Wonka bars and Tara tried some of their signature Belgian milk chocolate, which she loved. I took a small piece since I was breaking my diet anyway, but I have lost 15 pounds to this point, so I'm not too worried about it.

We took a train up to the Met looked in on some of our old favorites. We also went to the roof to see the Jeff Koons sculptures, a first for me. These whimsical figures seemed to delight the many children at the museum most of all.



We left the Met and had dinner at a new place for both of us called Burger Heaven, which turned out to be a very satisfying place to eat near the Museum of Modern Art. I had a reuben burger and fries, and Tara had a plain burger with a baked potato. Then we took the subway down to Tribeca for a book signing by author Jonathan Carroll for his new book, The Ghost in Love. I've never read any of his books, but the story sounded very interesting from his reading of the first chapter, and I was intrigued by the fact that Carroll wrote another book called Bones of the Moon which was the same story as "A Game of You" in Neil Gaiman's Sandman series. So I bought a copy of the new book and had it signed - Tara brought her copy with her from home. He signed mine "Michelle's First - Hopefully it will not be your last."



Happy anniversary, my dearest Tara - thank you, as always, for being in my life. I love you.

Day 23 of South Beach Diet

It's been three and a half weeks since starting my diet on Sept. 15, and I'm pleased that I've lost 10 pounds so far. The results are definitely starting to show. My co-worker commented yesterday that she could tell I'm losing weight - she said I looked sleeker. Today for the first time, I'm having to wear a belt on my "fat" pants to keep them up. But don't worry about my wardrobe, I've got plenty of stuff to wear on my way down the scale.

The attention reminds me of when I did this diet in 2004-2005 when I created quite a stir in my office. My appearance changed so radically - it was like I went from middle-age to college age in a few months. I still chuckle at the time a grocery clerk mistook me for my ex's offspring or younger sibling rather than spouse. Granted, I am younger than her, but by less than a year.

Anyway, I'm still groovin' on Paramore - I bought the album I was looking for yesterday and ripped it to my iPod. I also love this song off their new album, Riot! and I bought it last night on iTunes. I'm pretty sure I've seen this video before somewhere, but I can't remember when. It's hard to miss Hayley's shocking red hair.

That's What You Get


I also love this review of the new album on Amazon:

Ah, youth: the exuberance, the energy, the blistering highs and bottomless depths. It’s an ideal breeding ground for true rock & roll belief. Hence, the youngsters of Paramore unearth geysers of loud, sugary angst on Riot!, their major label debut and follow-up to 2005’s All We Know Is Falling. Small-town musicians who have played together for years, Paramore boasts the appeal of an emo-pop blast developed out of savvy songwriting and musicianship. The sweet spot the band hits--somewhere between Avril Lavigne and All-American Rejects--comes naturally. Lead singer Hayley Williams, barely 18, has big-time vocal depth and genuine charisma besides, and while her singing can sound a little contrived, she delivers with such end-of-the-world conviction that it’s an easy flaw to forgive. Bright and catchy melodies abound, but songs like "Misery Business" and "Miracle" also feature razor-sharp cadences and ultra-clean transitions. Too clean, actually. The production is crystal clear, which accentuates the stumbles (mostly on the ballads) and robs these whippersnappers of the messy highs they surely achieve playing live. But some things can’t be entirely glossed over, and while the more aged among us will sip our Scotch and make fun of their adolescent shenanigans, we’ll also be surreptitiously listening on our iPods after we put the kids to bed. --Matthew Cooke

Also, after much ado yesterday, I found a nice hardback copy of Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris which I've been reading in paperback, but I hate the paperback cover, which is a tie-in to the HBO series True Blood (showing a close-up of a female vampire's lips, fangs and tounge). The hardback cover is so much nicer, a pretty painting of the vampire Bill and heroine Sookie Stackhouse flying over their town, wrapped in a glittering cape together. I'm much more interested in the romance than the blood-sucking, as with the Twilight books.

Twilight music

The track listing for the movie soundtrack to Twilight has been officially announced, as follows:

Muse - "Supermassive Black Hole"
Paramore - "Decode"
The Black Ghosts - "Full Moon"
Linkin Park - "Leave Out All the Rest"
MuteMath - "Spotlight" ("Twilight" mix)
Perry Farrell - "Go All the Way (Into the Twilight)"
Collective Soul - "Tremble for My Beloved"
Paramore - "I Caught Myself "
Blue Foundation - "Eyes on Fire"
Rob Pattinson - "Never Think"
Iron & Wine - "Flightless Bird, American Mouth"
Carter Burwell - "Bella's Lullaby"

I've read in other sources that Muse will re-mix the first track for this release, which is cool because this song is actually my #1 Most Played Song on my iPod right now (in fact the top 3 are all Muse songs, probably fueled in part by Twilight fever).

Also, I've totally in love with the first track by Paramore, another emo band with a 18-year-old lead singer named Hayley Williams who has a really big voice. You can check out the new song, Decode, on their MySpace page or on Stephenie Meyer's Web site, where the song debuted last week. While you're there, you can see the new movie poster for Twilight (which I don't like as much as the first one, but oh well). I might go out at lunchtime and see if I can pick up Paramore's first album, All We Know Is Falling from the bookstore.

The Linkin Park song is already one of my favorites from the Minutes to Midnight album I checked out from the library. And I think we can all agree that Collective Soul is a pretty cool band, even if you've been rolling your eyes at everything else in this post. Hey, at least I know I listen to cotton candy!

Transgender survey

A quick note from the office: one of the speakers at PolyPride Weekend was a representative from the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, and spoke about the following survey. I invite anyone who falls under the transgender umbrella to participate.

Task Force on the way to gathering largest sample in U.S. history

In the wake of one of the most violent years on record of assaults on transgender people, and at a time when we are building support for a fully inclusive Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force have launched the first time ever comprehensive national survey to collect data on discrimination against transgender and gender non-conforming people in housing, employment, public accommodations, healthcare, education, family life and criminal justice. Already over 2,000 people have taken the survey.

Do you identify as gender non-conforming in any way? Take the survey! Record your experience and be a part of this historic effort. We want the survey to capture the full spectrum of gender expressions in our communities and record how prejudice and discrimination starts and then affects that very broad spectrum of people. Forward the survey on to others who'll want to participate!

https://online.survey.psu.edu/endtransdiscrim/

Poly public relations

As you all know, Saturday was the Poly Pride Weekend rally on the Great Hill in Central Park, and I had so much fun mingling with my poly friends and meeting new people. I arrived about a quarter to 11 to help set up the tents and signs, and it was looking pretty glum because of the wet, cold weather, but by noon the sun was out and the day turned out beautifully.

Once things got started there was too much for me to do, so I hung out with Lyndell and some of the other volunteers backstage, occasionally helping to facilitate media interviews throughout the day. As many people remarked all day, this year's event had an unprecedented amount of media coverage, both before and at the event, including stories in the New York Post, Village Voice, TimeOut Magazine, and the big kahuna, the front page of the Style section of the Sunday edition of the New York Times.

"Hopelessly devoted to you, and you and you" - October 5, 2008

I don't think it can be overstated how important this story might become when we look back on the history of the polyamory movement, and I'm proud to say that I had a hand in making it happen. I write case studies all the time for work, and here's my little personal case study on making this important story possible.

We got the lead on a writer interested in doing a story on polyamory from the event's keynote speaker, Tristan Taormino, author and columnist for the Village Voice. The PolyNYC president asked me for some advice on how to approach the writer to pitch the story. I researched all the stories written by this reporter in the past several years, and found a common theme - each one began with a personal anecdote on a real live subject. Based on this observation, I recommended that the president write the pitch offering someone's personal story, and it was Diana Adams, PolyNYC's vice president and poly attorney, who stepped up. This is what I do for a living - advise clients on how to gain positive media exposure, and for once, I'm happy that I've had a chance to do it for a cause I believe in.

I had a chance to meet Cunning Minx, who produces a weekly podcast on poly issues and who happens to also be from Texas, so we spent a few minutes talking about the Lone Star State. I also met Linda, one of the members of my women's poly group, who was there with her lover and his other partner. At one point I counted about 150 people there, which I'm sure was the largest gathering ever of poly people I've ever heard of. Some people recognized me from our monthly meetings, and it was nice sitting down and chatting with them informally, which we rarely do at meetings.

It would have been nice to go to the after-party, but I wasn't going to miss my family's Saturday night dinner and the finale of Season Two of Heroes, which ended on a somewhat unsatisfying note due to the Hollywood writer's strike. Still, it's all good stuff, and the SNL this week was way above par from the past two weeks.

Today I drove into the city yet again, this time with my family in tow so we could check out the new Vincent van Gogh exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art. On the way to the museum, we saw these huge Hello Kitty statues made of painted bronze in the public atrium of an office building:



We also walked through a street fair on Lexington and the Polish Pride Parade on 5th Avenue on our way to MOMA. The van Gogh exhibit was fascinating, and we were also surprised to see that Salvador Dali's painting, The Persistence of Memory was back on display after a long hiatus. It's so much smaller than we expected it to be, only about the size of a sheet of paper.

I think everyone but Tara got a combination of museum fatigue and onset of illness, so we had to cut the visit a little short, but we all loved the exhibit and we had a good time together. Personally, I feel like I might be coming down with a sinus infection, but the next day or two will tell for sure.

New Twilight trailer Oct. 9

As noted on Stephenie Meyer's Web site, there will be a third and final trailer for the Twilight movie released Oct. 9 exclusively on the Twilight widget that I've now installed on the left side of the page. It will be playing in theaters starting Oct. 10, but I'm not planning to go to the movie theaters next weekend. Doesn't it seem like there's so much more interesting stuff being made for TV than movies these days?

Speaking of TV, we are two-thirds of the way through Season Two of Heroes and still loving every minute. The only problem is that it seems everybody but the titular Japanese character is turning to the dark side. And please, if you have to comment, please don't reveal any spoilers, since we haven't gotten to Season Three yet (but they are recording each week in HD on my DVR).

I'm very excited about PolyPride Weekend this year, which starts tonight with the Supermassive Cuddle Party. I went to this last year and met my friends Lyndell and Simon but didn't go to the picnic in Central Park and rally. This year, I'm skipping the cuddle party but attending the rally tomorrow - in fact, I volunteered to be the PolyNYC president's assistant, which I guess means being a gofer for the day.

Lyndell is the producer behind the whole weekend, and I've been helping her with media relations, which is, of course, my stock in trade. The president, Birgitte, actually invited me to co-facilitate the National Polyamory Leadership Summit on Sunday, but I had to decline because we're going to see the Van Gogh exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art Sunday afternoon. Still, I was flattered that she asked me, since I'm not an officer for the group.

I found out that Tall Girl, the clothing store, is shuttering its store in White Plains, north of Manhattan, so I think I might pay a visit before the end of October. There's a train that runs up there from Grand Central Station, so I can go directly after work and still make it home at a reasonable hour, since it only takes about 40 minutes each way. Maybe I'll do that next Friday, since it will be a long weekend with me taking Monday off.

Speaking of clothes shopping, I had a quick visit to Loehmann's on Seventh Avenue this week and bought a suit, since I only have one suit and I've been wearing it pretty regularly going to court for my client. Now I can send the first suit to the cleaners and not be worried I won't get it back in time for when I need it. Apparently, Tahari is one of the few designer brands that makes suits in large misses sizes (14-18) because both of my suits are that brand. Just a quick trip to the tailor to alter the pants and it will be ready to wear.

Theory of commitment

It was a long, restful and pretty uneventful four-day weekend for me, and thankfully my first day back to work has been slow, leaving me time to blog. Things could pick up quickly this afternoon though.

Thursday was, of course, Bug's birthday, which started out with presents. Along with the plethora of TV show DVDs (The Addams Family, Spaced, Two Fat Ladies, Birds of Prey), books and an Eagles Greatest Hits CD, she also got a cute little Fender guitar amp and a wooden sword made of red oak for her tai chi practice. I miss having a sword in the house - I haven't replaced the one I lost in the fire of 2005. I've never been that much into the martial arts, but I do appreciate the symbolic meaning of blades in Asian culture, as well as pagan practice. Watching Heroes probably puts it even more sharply into focus.

After presents we went to Palisades Center Mall, the tenth-largest shopping mall in the U.S. Bug led us on a tour of all her favorite stores - the Japanese book store, the Asian tea house supply, the Lego store and the Disney store, plus Barnes & Noble, of course. I took a break when everybody gravitated toward the chocolate and candied apple store since I was still on my diet and didn't need the extra temptation. We had a nice lunch at The Cheesecake Factory - it was the first visit for everyone but me, and yet no one had any cheesecake. After all, we had birthday cake waiting at home.

After lunch we played around in the Dave & Buster's game room for a couple hours, playing skeeball, video games and trivia contests. Then it was home for cake (I had a tiny sliver) and watching one of the movies Bug received, Mysterious Island. The movie was fun in a corny, pulpy way, which everyone seemed to be in the mood for. Since it was late, and we were so tired from the day, Tara and I decided to take a raincheck on our planned sleepover, since we were going to get up early the next morning.

Friday I picked up Tara at 10:30 in the morning, and we took the train into the city, whereupon we split up - she took a cab to the Met for an extended solitary visit, and I took the subway to Chinatown for a hair coloring appointment. After about two-and-a-half hours in the salon, my hair is now once again very close to my natural dark brown color, but with just a hint of highlighting in shades of deep russet and ochre in direct light. I made my way uptown to the Met to meet Tara and we had a bite to eat at the museum cafe and a quick look at some of her discoveries before getting back on a rush hour train home. Then in the evening everyone came over to start watching Season Two of Heroes.

Saturday I ran my usual errands, buying lots of carb-friendly food for my diet, and then we had our usual dinner in the evening, followed by a showing of Howl's Moving Castle, which is becoming my favorite Miyazaki movie, displacing Spirited Away, then Saturday Night Live (which unfortunately seems to be losing its spark again after a promising start this year). Sunday was very restful and lethargic, as I didn't leave the apartment at all, even so much as to take out the trash. Even though I was in my pajamas all day long, it didn't bother me the way it used to in the past. I'm learning to enjoy and appreciate my alone time instead of getting melancholy, which is much healthier for me. I cooked food for this week's lunches, watched a lot of TV on my DVR, and one of my Chinese movies I'd checked out of the library, 2046.

On this movie, and a related one that is one of my favorites, Un Coeur En Hiver (A Heart in Winter), it occurs to me watching the protagonists (both male) that there is a fine line separating someone living a polyamorous lifestyle, and someone who has simply closed off from any possibility of a committed relationship. It occurs to me that pursuant to my post about unconditional love that some people might read it and conclude that I don't believe in commitment, since I didn't specifically address it. The answer to that is quite simple really - I believe in a relationship model where you can be equally committed to more than one person at a time. Why is it so hard to understand this, yet people easily grasp the fact you can love more than one child at the same time, or more than one sibling. So what's the difference?

One word - sex.

The root of a monogamous culture is based on taboos and ideals about sex, and by extension, procreation of the human race, which is certainly an important thing. However, they have little meaning for someone who can't have children or chooses not to have children, or someone who can simply view sex as just an extension of all the pleasurable acts we engage in when we love someone. Once we choose not to put such an unjustifiable significance on the sexual aspect of a relationship, it becomes easier to see that multiple romantic relationships (whether they involve sexual relations or not) have just as much validity as multiple familial relationships.

People also talk about how there are only so many hours in a day to devote to yourself and your significant others, and how does one manage to juggle multiple partners when one seems to be more than a handful? Again, I invoke the offspring example. People might talk about how they can't afford another child, but you will rarely hear someone say they don't have enough time or love to bring another child into their family. Of course having everyone under the same roof produces efficiencies that are not always possible with multiple romantic partners, but the concept is largely the same. Every child is considered a blessing - so should it be with new love, if approached with the same level of sensitivity and care as one would employ when bringing home a new baby. And like with those who love children, loving someone should not be considered a burden, but rather something that brings joy and positive energy to your life.

So how to juggle the demands of multiple partners? I really can't answer that authoritatively since I've never actually done it myself. Maybe I never will. But going into any new relationship with a poly mindset will at least give me a good starting framework.

Not that it has anything to do with all this, but Tara and I both had dreams Saturday night where we were either married or getting married. We haven't talked about such heavy, future-related issues for a while, so I'm not sure what those dreams are trying to tell us. They weren't "happily ever after" kind of dreams either - mine was pretty drama-laden involving my estranged birth family, and hers was just surreal. I guess anything's possible in the unknowable future, but I'm not going to spoil the present thinking too much about it.

Happy Birthday Bug!

Today we are celebrating Bug's birthday (not going to say how old she is) and the day is getting ready to start. We'll start with presents and then we're going to the big Palisades Mall in Nyack to do some shopping, hang out at Dave & Busters and eat at the Cheesecake Factory. I'm sure there will be some fish on the menu that I can eat.

Bug is such an interesting person that I can't really do her justice in such a small blog entry. She's an artist, an author, a graphic designer, a chef, and so many other things. She and I actually share a lot in common, and we have similar temperaments and interests. I remember the time I was talking about a beautiful and rare book about unicorns that I'd lost in the fire of 2005, and she went to her room and produced the same book from her bookshelves. We often joke that we were twins separated at birth, since my biological birthday is actually the same as hers, today, although I celebrate mine in July.

Bug has been part of Tara and Bee's family for more than a decade, and in the three years I've known her, she has always been a pleasure to be around. She is the most loyal, trustworthy and drama-free person I know, which is surely something to admire.

Happy Birthday, dear Jennifer - love to da Bug!

The Appalachian Trail

On a much lighter note than my last post, I had a lovely time on Sunday hiking at the Delaware Water Gap, which is about an hour's drive west from where we live, on the border of New Jersey and Pennsylvania. My legs and ankles are just hitting the peak of soreness from the climb, which was child's play compared to some of the ones out there that go up to the top of the mountain.

We followed a stream into the forest for a while, then started the climb up, higher and higher, until we could no longer hear the babble of the water. This part of the trail is part of the much longer Appalachian Trail that runs from Georgia to Maine. At the higher altitudes we saw lush gardens of forest ferns dappled with sunlight, and unfortunately for me, a lot of pesky bugs. Winding on the loop back, we passed through the other side of the stream and made a couple of water crossings, luxuriating in the shady coolness as the afternoon wound down.

We also finished Season One of Heroes on Sunday night, but I'm not allowed to talk about it :) Season Two starts this weekend, and Season Three is recording on my DVR for later.

The diet is going well. I've lost about 5 pounds the first week, so I'm right on target to lose my 8-15 pounds at the end of the second week. At that point I'll have the option of going to Phase Two, where I can start adding some of the good carbs (fruit, whole grains) back into my diet. I can definitely tell the difference in the mirror with my waistline, it's very encouraging.

Theory of unconditional love

Several events in my life recently have intersected to make me think about writing this post. Basically, it’s kind of my non-conventional theory of love, like one of the stories in Plato’s “Symposium.” Some of these events are well-known, like my blog post about the Broadway musical “Rent” closing, some are not, like my comments on other blogs and letters written to friends. But they have all been related to the topic, so like pieces in a puzzle, I’m trying to fit them together to create a unified theory, like the elusive Theory of Everything but just related to love.

So as everybody knows by now, I’m following a polyamorous lifestyle and involved in a poly relationship at the present time with my girlfriend Tara, who also has a committed relationship to Bee. Before I go further, let me share the newly included definition of polyamory that was just entered into Webster’s Dictionary:

Polyamory: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.

The key word of course is “open.” Poly people don’t sneak around. We are open about our wants and needs, and the people who are fulfilling them. We live authentic lives; we don’t pretend things are or are not going on. If we find someone attractive, we are free to express it. We can be open about the desire for sexual variety without feeling guilty. If our needs are not being met, we ourselves take responsibility for meeting them without expecting it from others.

Okay, enough poly propaganda.

As I’ve written before in my “Rent” post, I live my life by three core tenets - be true to yourself, live for today, and love unconditionally. Now, what do I mean by “love unconditionally”? It means I don’t place expectations from those I love, and if they don’t love me or are unable to give me as much as I want from them, it doesn’t invalidate the love I feel for them. It just means I have to take responsibility for looking elsewhere for the love and affection I need for myself instead of expecting it from them. Without expectations, there can’t be any disappointment, as happens with a typical unrequited love scenario.

Love is not always an even exchange - in fact, it rarely is. Loving unconditionally means being able to love someone without expecting an equal amount of love back, like the way you can love an infant child. Part of loving without limits is to not limit yourself to loving only those who you deem can love you back the way you want them to. Love cannot be forced - it has to appear organically when the right people come together in the right conditions, without our desires as to what we want to happen getting in the way.

This is a point that is sometimes difficult to grasp. We can all say we are “looking for love” but I don’t believe you can "find" love - it has to find you. That is, it has to appear unbeckoned when the time and situation is right, like any other natural phenomenon, like a lunar eclipse or the aurora borealis. The best we can do is be open to loving someone if the right person and situation comes along, because if we are not open to it, we will miss it if love appears. That’s one of the big problems I have with monogamy - by definition, it closes us off from being open to love. I can’t subscribe to a belief system that curtails the ability to communicate honestly and openly about your true feelings and forces you into a role where you define yourself by your relationship to another.

Obviously monogamy has its supporters, and they are legion. I’m not saying that monogamy is wrong. It certainly has its benefits, and for most people I’d say, it’s the better option. But just because everybody else is doing it doesn’t make it the only game in town. Polyamory is simply another option for people who struggle with monogamy.

The part of loving unconditionally that’s been hard for me until recently, as I’m sure it is hard for most people, is the recognition that we have no control over being in love. Once we recognize that, we can stop beating ourselves up that we’re not experiencing it. It would be like being disappointed that the sunset is not as beautiful as we’d like it to be. Each relationship is different and unique, and tends to develop as a product of the individuals involved; much like a baby becomes whatever kind of person through a combination of their parents' combined DNA and upbringing. Sure, we have an influence in the relationships we create, but we are not solely responsible for how they turn out. Whether a person becomes an acquaintance, a friend, a f**k-buddy, a secondary lover or a primary partner is not going to depend on what we WANT out of them. They will become who they are supposed to become - the only thing we can do is show up and see what direction things go.

I recently quoted Thomas Merton in my blog during one of my down periods with Tara. He said, “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” I think only by allowing others to be truly authentic and not projecting our own expectations on them can we build loving relationships that endure. Of course, one of the hardest things to do is to show your true authentic self, warts and all, to the object of your affection and hope that you don’t scare them away. But the alternative is that you always have to be on guard around them, keeping things hidden. For me, that’s not the way to love someone, but we all decide for ourselves how much we’re willing to bend to be with the people we’re attracted to.

The key to all this is acceptance. We have to believe that things happen for a reason, and accept that the world does not always give us what we want from it. If I find someone attractive, I’ll pursue them, get to know them, and some kind of relationship will form - or not. Whatever the relationship is, it will be something that’s comfortable and works for both of us. It might even change over time, but we will deal with it each and every day. I’ve become much more adept at dealing with my changing relationship with Tara than I used to be, back when I thought about the future a lot more than I should have. We simply try to be good for each other each day, and whatever happens, happens. The important thing is that we can be authentic with each other, and not put expectations on our relationship that neither of us is prepared to fulfill.

One final note - one blogger I follow was recently confronted with a situation where she was in love with someone who was in love with her partner. She felt that it was unwise to pursue the new person because she didn’t want to interfere with her partner’s advances. Personally, as a polyamorist, I don’t believe in the whole “one true love” theory. Obviously we can have loves that are greater and lesser than others, but I don’t believe that we have to stop loving once we’ve found someone we love very, very much. We as humans have an unlimited capacity to love, and all love brings something very special into our lives. Ultimately, love is the only thing that’s worth living for.

Just my opinion of course, for what it’s worth.

Update on busyness

I've had a post brewing in my head about my philosophy of unconditional love, ever since I wrote that post about Rent closing on Broadway. However, I haven't been able to get enough time to put it to paper because of the catastrophic events on Wall Street in the past week that has directly affected my largest client. So I've been having to stay later and even work a little at night and on weekends to keep up.

Plus, it's also been a busy week outside the office as well. Tara and I had a quiet date night on Monday watching Big Fish on my Big Screen. Tuesday night I had dinner with Lori at a diner in New York (which was rudely interrupted by a New York cockroach crawling on her side of the booth). Then we went to Barnes & Noble and I bought a couple of adult vampire books (Guilty Pleasures by Laurell K. Hamilton - I just finished the two-part graphic novel and loved it - and Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris, which inspired the current HBO show Tru Blood). Then last night was my PolyNYC meeting where we had an excellent speaker who is a poly psychologist and talked about poly compatibility.

Hopefully I will have some time soon to get back to blogging more regularly, but for right now, I'll probably have to curtail this a bit. Also, big hugs and sympathy to my Houston friends and readers who are dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Ike. I hope everything gets back to normal soon.

South Beach Diet - Day 1

Today I started my long-awaited South Beach Diet with which I hope to lose about 50 pounds over the next several months. The last time I tried this diet, I lost 60 pounds in only six months, so I know it works for me, and I know 50 pounds is an achievable target.

When I did it before, it was during the most emotionally tumultuous period of my life in 2004-2005. My life today is much more stable by comparison, so I'm hoping it will actually be easier for me to stick with it. Part of the reason I think I gained back a lot of the weight I had lost before was that I was decompressing from riding out that time period in my life when things were so turbulent and uncertain. Basically, I celebrated a little too long that I'd made it through. I also had a year-long recovery from major surgery that made my diet a secondary concern.

Now that I've pretty much arrived at a place in my life where I'm reasonably stable, happy and not anticipating any other major emotional or physical turmoil, I'm looking at this diet to help me achieve my target weight and stay there for the rest of my life.

Speaking of beaches, Tara, Bee and I sent to the beach yesterday in an improptu search for adventure. The water was pretty cold, but we eventually succumbed to the waves and were floating past the break zone on our boogie boards. I had one good ride onto the beach, which had been swept clear of all the shells we encountered on our last visit earlier this summer from the recent storm activity from Hurricane Gustav. After our swim, Bee and I flew her dragon kite while Tara took some pictures. In a last hurrah before starting my diet, I had White Castle for dinner - 10 little sliders with A-1 sauce, onion rings, and an Oreo sundae shake from Burger King. That kind of excess is why I need to get on this diet, to enforce some discipline in my eating habits.

Pearl the pop star

Longtime blog readers probably remember my friend Pearl, who was tremendously influential to my life in the early 1990s. Her parents are one of my family's oldest friends, and for a period of time after college, she and I grew very close as friends, although I am 15 years her senior. She has two older sisters, and the middle one became a huge pop singer and actress in Taiwan (and still is) and Pearl followed her to Taiwan a few years ago to chart the same path.

Apparently she's succeeded - she and her older sister are now like the Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears of Taiwan. As you can see from the cover above, Pearl just released her debut album last year (under her stage name Ivy), and there are videos of her on YouTube singing with some boy band, reminiscent of Mariah Carey singing with Boys 2 Men in "One Fine Day."

I have to say, it's weird seeing my little friend all grown up now. I've known Pearl since she was five years old, and the last time we saw each other was in 2005 at the Galleria with our mutual friend Amy. I still have a photo of her blowing soap bubbles when she was about 7 or 8 years old on the bookshelf in my apartment, along with a figurine she gave me long ago. I hardly recognize the girl I've known for most of her life in this made-up, artificial pop star that's been created in her place. I just hope that she's found the happiness and fulfillment she's been seeking in the glitz and glamour of the Taiwanese pop scene.

edit:

I found Pearl's sister's Friendster page and found some other photos that are more reminiscent of the Pearl I know. She's grown into such a lovely young woman.

Books and movies

I finished "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" last night - one down, six to go! It was a fun read, although it doesn't quite fill the void left after finishing the Twilight Saga. I admit it, I'm a Twi-hard fan of Stephenie Meyer's fictional world of vampires and werewolves. Maybe future Potter books will change my loyalties, but I doubt I'll ever get to the level of the fans in this recent story in the Wall Street Journal:

"Voldemort Hath No Fury Like Angry Harry Potter Fans" - Wall Street Journal, Sept. 8, 2008

Speaking of Ms. Meyer, I was disappointed to read of her reaction to copies of her unfinished draft of her next Twilight book, Midnight Sun, being circulated on the Internet without her permission. "Vampire Novel Is Put on Hold" - Wall Street Journal, Sept. 3, 2008 While I certainly respect her decision to stop working on the book and will support her whichever way she goes in making the point for artists' rights, I guess I think it's a little naive to expect in today's world that leaks aren't going to happen when you create an electronic version of your work and give it to someone. As one fan said, musicians have tracks leaked all the time, but that doesn't stop them from finishing an album. I hope that she pays heed all the fans who are begging for more Twilight stories and changes her mind about not finishing the book someday. The upside is that she posted the partial draft on her Web site so fans could read it without having to find it on a file sharing site.

Tara and I had a quiet date night last night, which was good. We are making some strides in communicating our differing philosophies and lifestyles, and hopefully paving the way for better acceptance and harmony in the future. We watched Madagascar, which made us laugh a little, and want to go see the Central Park Zoo. I got a chuckle out of the fact that the zoo gang visited the subway station at Lexington and 59th Street, a station I had just been in earlier in the day when I came back to the office from the Federal court building downtown. I also pointed out the exact location in Grand Central Station where Tara and I had stood once before, the last time we visited there. Living in New York makes a lot of movies more interesting, I find.

Today I bought the complete box set of the old TV show Get Smart, starring Don Adams and Barbara Feldon, available from Time-Life for a discounted price of $149 until the end of this month. I don't know why, but I'm feeling very nostalgic for some of these shows from my childhood, and I've always had a secret agent vibe anyway (as some of you know, I've seen every single James Bond movie, and own most of them). Besides, the whole 25-disc set comes in a phone booth collector's box - who can resist that?

Rent closes Broadway run

After 12 years and 5,124 performances, Rent is finally closing its doors on Broadway:

'Rent' brings down the curtain on Broadway run - Associated Press

I saw the live performance of Rent twice in my lifetime. The first time, I fell in love with the opening song, "Seasons of Love," but otherwise I didn't really get what all the fuss was about. That was more than 10 years ago. However, with the second and third times Rent found its way into my life, via the movie version that I watched with my family a couple years ago here in New Jersey, and when we saw it last year on stage, it's hard to understate the enormous impact this show and its message has had on my life.

There's only now, there's only here,
Give in to love, or live in fear.
No other path, no other way,
No day but today!

While people can interpret the message of Rent in many different ways, I tend to distill it down to three things - love unconditionally, live in the moment, and be true to who you are. I think about how different my life was five years ago - even though the message of Rent didn't make it to me until last year when a lot of my big life changes were already in progress, they renew my reasons for making these changes every time I hear that iconic music.

Still working...

Things are really complicated with my family life right now. It's too difficult to explain, so I'm not even going to try. I wish we could just find a way for everybody to be happy.

Speaking of the avenues to happiness that I seek in a polyamorous relationship, this blog post from a fellow secondary outlines some of the possibilities and challenges we're going through:

"A Poly Page for Secondaries - Joy and Satisfaction" - Aug. 28, 2008

Dreams and learning burlesque

From a new friend on MySpace - no hidden messages here, I just think this picture is funny.



I've been having some pretty weird dreams lately, and funnily enough they usually come on Friday nights when Tara stays over. The last one I still remember vividly is the four of us taking a road trip in an RV and stopping to visit a casino (like Foxwoods in Connecticut, which is funny in and of itself) but this was no ordinary casino. We split up and I went to the bathroom, and found it to be dozens of unisex open shower stalls, with all kinds of men and women showering separately without embarrassment, reminiscent of Robert Heinlein's book Starship Troopers.

After using the bathroom, I walked through the casino until I came to an empty room, with a door on the far wall. I went through that door and found myself in an infinite outdoor space, a pocket universe of sorts, where there was a lake with an island in the middle, and a footbridge to access the island. It was beautiful and peaceful, with only a few people about, basking in the sunshine and fresh air that was so different from being in a casino. I sat at the lakeshore and gazed for a while at the water before reluctantly leaving to return to the casino to find my family.
When we all met up, I excitedly told them about the lake and island, and wanted to show them before we left. Unfortunately, an announcement came over the PA that the casino was closing and everybody had to leave. Bee suddenly remembered that she had left her sketchbook in the bathroom and we had to go back for it. I said if we were going back to the bathroom, then we should also make a quick trip to the lake since it was only a room away. But then we saw coming down the hall an army of robots, standing shoulder to shoulder like riot police, cleaning everything and pushing people to the exits. It was clear we were not going to get past them, that we would probably be trampled if we attempted it. That's right when I woke up.

We continued our Heroes marathon with viewings on Friday and Saturday nights, and Saturday I took Yoshi in for his bi-annual vehicle inspection, which he passed (I'm so proud!). Sunday afternoon I went into the city with my friend Agnieszka to take a class in basic burlesque dance at the Slipper Room on the Lower East Side. We learned some of the basic moves - the glove peel, the bump and grind, and the tassle twirl. The last bit required us to put on homemade pasties on our breasts under our bras, which we then proceeded to peel off and reveal the tassels and make them twirl in different ways. Thankfully I had just gotten a very cute polka-dotted bra from Frederick's of Hollywood in the mail the day before - I got lots of compliments on it. Aside from being a lot of fun, it was very affirming for me to be with other women in a supportive environment as we all got over our natural shyness together. It was kind of like locker-room bonding is for guys, I think.

On Labor Day Tara and I went out to run some errands, first to the bookstore where I got the second volume of Laurell Hamilton's graphic novel Anita Blake series ('cause I just need more vampires in my life right now until Twilight hits the theaters Nov. 21) and Tara got a Brian Froud book of pressed fairies that she's been eyeing for some time now. I went to Sephora to get some makeup, then we went to buy her some clothes from Target and the Gap. I also got my Clinique Bonus from Bloomingdale's at another mall. Then we went to get groceries for our weekly visits, including a second griddle so she can make two stacks of pancakes at the same time so we can eat breakfast together on Saturday mornings. In the evening, Tara helped Bee organize her bookshelves while I reorganized my closet, since the shelves were repaired last weekend. All in all, it was a very productive day, and a relaxing weekend.

Holding doors

While I wait for unresolved issues to resolve themselves, here's a topic that I've been meaning to write about...

One of the things that gives me conflicted feelings is chivalrous behavior. Case in point: whenever I'm in the elevator with men of a certain age, I'm usually faced with the somewhat awkward gesture of them letting me get in or out first. Of course this doesn't apply in crowded subways during rush hour where it's every man, woman and child for themselves! I say awkward because sometimes the gesture is so exaggerated that they literally have to step out of the way to let me pass, when it would be just as easy if they went ahead of me and got out of the way.

Of course I understand that these men are simply being polite, and showing courtesy the way they were raised to, and most do not mean to imply the paternalistic overtones stemming from the origin of such social graces. Still, bad habits or not, I would think that at some point, these men would examine these chivalric behaviors and conclude that in today's world, where we aspire to equality between the sexes, that these gestures are a little outdated. While it's still polite and appreciated to hold doors for people to keep it from slamming in their faces, this awkward shuffle when men make a deliberate show of allowing women to pass first is just a little embarrassing. While I'm certainly not the kind of person to make a big scene about it, there is one thing I can do to make my point, if only to myself - I'm going to stop thanking them for this small female privilege extended to me.

Of course, I'm talking about strangers here. I actually think it's nice holding doors for loved ones. Tara and I have a system - she's usually the first one to a door so she holds it open for me, and if there's a second door inside, I'll hold it for her. These little niceties are fine as a way of showing affection for loved ones, but when strangers do it, it's a tiny bit uncomfortable for me.

Empathy

I've only got a few minutes to get caught up on things, so this is gonna be quick. I just don't want to fall behind on things.

As I said before, there are things happening that I'm not ready to talk about. Tara and Bee came over last Thursday night and we had a wide-ranging talk about some of the "big issues" we're dealing with. It was just the first step in what is probably going to be a series of discussions over the next several months, so there's not much I can say about it just yet.

Friday I had to work until almost 8 p.m. and so didn't have time to do much of anything before bringing Tara back to my place for our regular sleepover. We stopped at the grocery store to get some things to make breakfast in the morning, but other than that we just had a quiet evening of reading and snuggling. I finished "The Stolen Child" (loved it) and have now started on the Harry Potter series with the first volume.

Saturday my superintendent came over to fix my broken closet shelf, and in the evening we had dinner and started our Heroes TV marathon. We had to deal with some unpleasantness about my Blackberry, but managed to salvage the evening before it got too late. Later, Tara and I talked on the phone about the incident and the issues and feelings it raised. Eventually we settled things down, but the result was that I didn't get to bed until about a quarter to 5 in the morning.

Perhaps because of my weird sleep window, I was groggy all day Sunday, although Tara did take me out to the bookstore because Bee was in class learning about floral essences used in healing. We spent a few hours looking at books (I bought a new copy of The Usual Suspects, which is currently out of print) and made a couple other stops before she dropped me home and I just crashed on the bed and took a nap. Since I didn't feel like coming over to their house, they came over for a redux of Saturday night and we watched a couple more episodes of Heroes, which everybody is loving immensely.

Last night was date night, but we had a little wrinkle when Bee decided she was too tired to go to yoga. Tara still came over, but our energy was a little off. In a way, I feel a little guilty being with her when I know Bee is not otherwise occupied and would prefer that she stayed with her. I know that Tara and I have a right to creating our own space and keeping it inviolate when the others change their plans at the last minute, but emotionally, I can't help but feel a little uncomfortable when our delicate and complex web of scheduling goes awry. I've always been rather empathic, but never more so than in recent history, and I tend to let how other people's feelings (or things I perceive might affect their feelings) affect my emotions. Regardless, Tara and I had a nice evening with dinner at Burger King and watching an old official bootlegged U2 concert from the Joshua Tree era.

Today I had lunch with Lyndell, one of my polyamorous friends who is coordinating the PolyPride Weekend Event in October here in the city. She wanted to lend some of my PR expertise to her efforts, and I gave her a brainful of advice over salads. Hopefully some of my ideas will help her to promote the event, and I'm planning to attend this year for the first time. It's Oct. 4 in Central Park.

All for now - if I don't see you here again this week, happy Labor Day weekend everyone!

Decision 2008

There is a lot happening in my life under the surface that I'm not ready to talk about in this space yet. Some of you have gotten snippits of it via private emails, and of course, my family each has their own individual level of involvement they are dealing with. Perhaps there are changes coming in the near future; perhaps not - I guess it depends on how courageous, open-hearted and flexible we're all willing to be (myself included).

I came across this article today about open marriages, a chapter excerpted from a book by noted polyamorist Jenny Block called "Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage." It's probably one of the best articles I've seen that describes the level of communication and issues management that I feel is required to make a multi-partner relationship work.

Unfortunately, in reading this article, and in listening to last night's PolyNYC speaker at my monthly group meeting, I realize how far I have yet to go in being successful at the poly ideal of having a responsible, consensual non-monogamous relationship. There's no reason to give up - but I feel I should be trying harder instead of letting things take their own course, which I've been doing for a while now. I have to be more vocal about who I am and what I want out of life. I didn't come all this way to settle into a life dictated to me by society, or even by people who are close to me. I have to choose my path, instead of letting it choose me.

Perhaps the first step on that path will be taken tonight.

King Crimson

Another dull week starting at the office - it seemed this weekend was way too short. However, we ended on a good note last night, having a blast at the King Crimson concert at the Nokia Theater in Times Square. Despite Robert Fripp (the guitar player) getting huffy about someone taking his picture near the end of the show, the band came out for three encores, including their big hit "Elephant Talk" (not to be confused with the Henry Mancini tune "Baby Elephant Walk"). There were some electrifying drum duets with Pat Mastelotto and Gavin Harrison (the drummer from Porcupine Tree), and Tony Levin did his usual magic with the Chapman stick and his patented "funk fingers" on bass. I actually spotted Tony in the lobby before the concert - he's a pretty distinctive looking guy. I recognized him from Peter Gabriel's Secret World concert, one of my all-time favorite concerts on DVD.

The rest of the weekend was pretty blah. I put together my rolling laptop desk that came in the mail this week - I'm going to use it as a book stand to hold heavy books so I can read them without having to hold them up (like my "Absolute Sandman" volumes by Neil Gaiman). I didn't leave the apartment on Sunday except for the concert because I was tossing and turning all Saturday night. Tara called me at 2:30 a.m. Sunday because she had a difficult evening with Bee after our Saturday night movie and I was still pretty awake. We talked for a little bit and I went back to sleep, but she didn't get to bed until close to 5 a.m.

Friday night we all went to the mall for dinner and then to the big bookstore in Paramus. I got a couple DVDs that were on sale (To Kill a Mockingbird and the director's cut of Dark City), and a couple comic trade paperbacks, and an out-of-print copy of Mike Carey's "The Devil You Know" in hardcover (they sell used books too). As readers know, I've been smitten with Mike Carey's "Lucifer" series for Vertigo Comics, so I thought I'd give his novel a try.

Speaking of smitten, as the rest of my family laments to postponement of the next Harry Potter movie, the net effect is that the movie version of Twilight will be pushed forward three weeks to Nov. 21, so that's good news for me because I'm dying to see that one. However, I probably won't insist on seeing the earliest shows because I don't want to deal with screaming teenage girls any more than I have to.

Tara and I spent a peaceful night together at my apartment on Friday (other than my closet shelf collapsing with a terrific noise as we were getting ready for bed). Saturday morning we woke up too early at about 8:30 and made snugglebunnies, and promptly fell back asleep until about 11:30, whereupon Bug came to take her to the comic store and other errands while I snoozed until about 2 p.m.

I finally got up and ran my usual Saturday errands and made Saturday night dinner, and we watched Pixar's A Bug's Life in the evening. It's probably the last movie we'll watch for a while because we've decided to do a run of the NBC TV show Heroes for the next several weeks, starting with the beginning of Episode One this weekend.

Book arrangement

Tara and I had our regular Monday date night and we did something a little different - we organized my bookshelves. Not the most romantic thing to do on a date, but she loves arranging books and I'm too lazy to take on a task that big without help.

Long-time readers will remember what my apartment looks like from my home theater post ("My new theater" - Nov. 25, 2007). I have a three-level built-in bookshelf above my 42-inch flatscreen TV, and I also have another three-shelf standalone bookshelf in the bedroom that has my slightly damaged 37-inch flatscreen on it.

We started with the top shelf in the living room, stacking books from right to left, tallest to shortest. Then we put all the comic trade paperbacks on the left side of the middle shelf, and all the other paperbacks (grouped by author) on the right side. The bottom shelf holds the Harry Potter box I got for my birthday and all the leftovers.

In the bedroom, we put all the books having to do with magick/paganism, and Sherlock Holmes, along with my Lord of the Rings hardcovers on the bottom shelf. The top and middle shelves hold some of my large DVD box sets (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Matrix, Star Trek, Angel, Alien Quadrilogy, etc.) and my *ahem* adult videos. Putting all these DVDs on the bookshelf in the bedroom frees up enough room to finally stop stacking DVD on top of my DVD cabinet in the living room.

Tara also alphabatized all my comics and put them in the small box I bought at the comic store last weekend. The only problem is, I haven't really figured out an unobtrusive place to put that box, so it's sitting next to my file cabinet next to my computer desk. I also cleared out my old catalogs and magazines, putting the ones I wanted to keep in the box I keep in the bathroom.

After it was all done, we sat on the couch and just admired our work for a while, and talked about books and comics. I wish I'd thought to take a before picture so all you bibliophiles could get a kick out of it. It was a lot messier than the picture I took way back in November. We finished the night with some quiet cuddling in bed, said goodnight and she went home.

It was actually a pretty cool date after all.

Photos from the Cloisters

Poly vs. Mono - Round 1

It was a bit of an up and down weekend for me, and things with Tara continue to be challenging, although our love remains undiminished. It only seems to be the form that love takes which causes disagreement between us. Such is the conflict that seems inevitable when polyamorous and monogamistic mindsets collide.

Friday, I picked up Tara after work because she would be spending the night with me for the first time since the July 4 weekend, a drought mainly stemming from Bee's physical health problems this summer. We went to the mall to do some shopping, watched some baseball in the evening and had some nice snuggle time before bed. In the morning she made me pancakes and I made her bacon for breakfast, followed by more snugglebunnies. I dropped her off at home in the early afternoon and proceeded to run my weekend errands.

I had a mind to visit the Cloisters in the city since it was such a nice day on Saturday, and luckily Bee was able to get off work early so that we could all go together for a couple of hours and see the gardens in their late summer glory. I took some pictures, but I'll have to post them later. Saturday night I made a different version of my curry chicken and onions for myself (I omitted the limes and jalapenos this time, since I didn't have any on hand) and the usual fried tofu with hot bean sauce for Bug, and vegetable dumplings for Bee, plus some spinach sauteed in black bean and garlic sauce. We watched The Truman Show for our movie and called it an early night. That was probably the best 24 hours as a family we've had in a long time.

Sunday morning started with a surprise visit from Tara, who came over because she had some bad dreams and wanted to talk to me. She crept into my apartment and snuggled next to me while we talked. We resolved the dream issue, but we ended up extending the conversation to larger issues and it got a little agitated. We settled down enough to enjoy some quick canoodling before I took her to the diner for breakfast. Unfortunately our difficult conversation continued during our meal and on the ride home.

After we parted, I was emotionally exhausted and pretty much checked out mentally the rest of the afternoon and evening, watching baseball and the Olympics on TV and napping to stave off the crying spells between doing about four loads of laundry. Tara and I talked a couple times on the phone in the evening and eventually settled down, but our issues continue to be a ticking time bomb that we will have to deal with someday.

In all, I think we both agree that the positives outweigh the negatives over the last few days, and in our relationship in general. This weekend we let each other know where we stand on certain issues, and acknowledged our shortcomings to each other. Truthfully, if we just stopped thinking about what might happen in the future and just focused on the time we spend together in the present, I think we'd be fine. Despite our many incompatibilities, being with her is just about the only time when I'm truly happy and content.

Twilight mania

Here's an article in today's Wall Street Journal about the cultural impact of the Twilight novels. I'm going to miss reading those ... proof that there is indeed a big part of me that is totally teenage girl.

"True Love Waits" - Wall Street Journal, Aug. 8, 2008

Congratulations

I don't have a lot to say right now. Things are getting better with Tara, but they still seem a little strained. I'm trying to do my part by not pushing and letting things flow but I'm not well known for my patience. I'm sure we'll get back there eventually.

Monday night Tara took me to the mall and we went to Borders so I could buy her a book and browse around together. She picked out a thick graphic novel and then we went to McDonald's for a quick bite. We took a walk through Macy's, but it was closing time so we didn't get to see much. After a quick stop at the grocery store, we came back to my place and just snuggled on the bed for a few minutes before she had to go because it was getting late and we were both tired. Luckily, she made it home okay, because Bug had a flat tire in their car the very next morning.

Tuesday night we all went out to the movies, intending to see the Mummy, but it sold out as soon as we stepped in the box office door. So we saw Wall-E again instead, and it was fun, although Bug had a severe headache and we all felt badly for her. Wednesday I had to work late, so we didn't get to see each other at all, and today I'm feeling really run down, so our date night is probably going to be rather sedentary.

None of this makes particularly interesting copy, but I did want to give my congratulations to Joanna and her husband Perky on the birth of their first child, Braum, who was born on Sunday via emergency C-section. Everybody is doing well, and I'm really happy for Jo.

Tomorrow evening is Battery Park City Parks' Sunset Jam on the Hudson, a drumming circle I'm thinking about checking out. There's also live music at the South Street Seaport at 7 p.m. the same night, so that might be fun too. So many things to do in the city - I really should try to explore more and do some new things. Maybe that will keep me from moping around so much.

Vacation's end

I'm back but I don't know for how long. Just had a rough conversation with Tara on the phone tonight, one where we both were close to breaking up the relationship. I guess a lot will depend on how things go tomorrow night when we see each other.

Things have been mostly quiet this week since last Tuesday, mostly because we tacitly agreed to a truce since everyone is on vacation. Tara, Bee and I went to Watkins Glen, New York and stayed overnight Wednesday (Bug chose to remain home to watch the cats). I booked a fantastic suite at the brand-new Harbor Hotel on the shores of Seneca Lake, the largest of the Finger Lakes. The hotel had been open less than two weeks, and we were only the second group of guests to stay in the room (which the front desk quipped was the best room in the hotel). The balcony had a magnificent panoramic view of the lake and Seneca Harbor.



You can also see a short video of the entire view by clicking here. Make sure to turn your volume down because the air conditioner is pretty loud out on the balcony.

We all slept together in the king size bed, which was sometimes cozy, sometimes uncomfortable. Surprisingly, Bee and I did most of the cuddling because Tara was exhausted from the trip up. Reminds me of the first night we slept in the same room together in Houston when she crashed while I was in the shower.



Here is a reverse view of the hotel from the stone dike that shelters the harbor. Our room was on the top floor, just to the right of the center.



Here is one of the hidden waterfalls that flows into the lake. We found it driving along one of the highways that borders the lake, but it would have been easy to miss it.



And here is a representative photo of the glen itself, which is a gorge formed by flowing water as glaciers retreated in the distant past.



We came back Thursday evening and I kept to myself until Friday night, which was the launch party for Stephenie Meyer's Breaking Dawn, the final chapter in the Twilight Saga. We all met up at the bookstore around 10:30 pm and they handed out books at midnight. I just finished the 750-page novel earlier this afternoon. Here's a picture at the book party:



Anyway, it's been an up and down vacation for me. Tara and I are going through some difficult times, but I actually had a lovely time on my trip. Bee and I were very open in sharing our physical space, which was a welcome, if brief, respite. There were some very profound moments of happiness in the glen, seeing the beauty of the water, rocks, plants and animals there. We had a nice time Saturday night as usual, when we saw the 1980's sci-fi movie Tron together at my apartment. And I enjoyed my book immensely, as you'd probably guess from me reading it in a little more than 24 hours.

I'm just plagued by a great deal of doubt about whether my relationship with Tara - and by extension, to my family - is really working for everybody. We both seem to be very unhappy a lot, and yet we still love each other so much. What do two people do when they can't bear to be apart, yet can't seem to stop driving each other crazy? I don't have any answers. But it's hard being in a relationship where both people are waiting to see if the other one has it in them to leave first. And we're both pretty stubborn, so this could take a while to figure out.