I am a happy person most of the time. I do get moody and emotional sometimes, but generally I believe that we are responsible for our own happiness, meaning that if we are not happy, it’s up to us to fix it. Whether that means changing our lives or changing our outlook on life, there’s usually no one else that is going to do it for us.
With that note, I will mark a rather bittersweet anniversary for me today, October 14. It was four years ago today that I met Tara, Bee and Bug face-to-face, and began the process of joining a family that ultimately did not work out for me. Since Tara severed ties with me on the first of September, I have had no contact with any of them, other than following her on Twitter.
Some people might be surprised, or not understand why these three people who used to be so close to me less than two years ago would treat me like a total stranger now. I can’t explain the whys and wherefores about the complexity of our relationship in this post, and none of that really matters now anyway.
The short version of the explanation is that Tara is an artist in the purest sense of the word, and as such she is the most uncompromising person I’ve ever met, or am likely to meet. It was one of the things I loved about her at first. Later when we became real-life lovers, that aspect of her character caused some friction and discord, because I am generally a very easy-going kind of person and she is not.
One thing I know about myself is that the rare occasions when I fall in love, I fall pretty damn hard. Part of the process for me when I’m in NRE (new relationship energy) is that I put a lot of energy into learning all about the person I’m with, and I can be pretty amazing in my ability to recollect details. Tara always used to say that I earned my Ph.D. in Tara Studies because I was so focused on learning about her when we were together. Polina might feel the same way, considering I’m learning Russian so I can understand a little more when she’s talking with her family.
So from my perspective, knowing and loving Tara as I do, I understand why she needed to have a complete break from me. I don’t bear her any ill will. A part of me will always love her, and be grateful for what she brought to my life. One of the things I’ve come to learn is that sometimes love is not enough, and it doesn’t always conquer all like in the fairy tales. While it may be the single most important thing in life to me, it’s not the only thing. We each have our own lives to live, and love cannot impede our freedom to live it. I learned that lesson painfully with Tara, and I’m constantly applying that lesson with Polina during our relationship check-ins so as not to impede her growth as a person.
I don’t think I will continue to mark this anniversary in the future, as it doesn’t have much meaning in my present life, and one thing I try to do is live in the moment. But I might do other things in the future to honor the family I used to have, and all the ways they changed me. Even if they never speak to me again, they are as much a part of my past as my estranged birth family. Sometimes we need to remember what has come before so we can carry our lessons forward, and if nothing else, I have proven in my life to be a pretty good student in all kinds of things.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Building intentional families
I was rather disappointed with Darren Aronofsky's latest work, The Wrestler starring Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei, who both garnered Oscar nominations for acting. While the acting was certainly fine, the whole movies just seemed to plod along in scene after scene of a pathetic aging wrestler. I understand that's what the movie is about, but I expected a more original telling from the director who gave us Requiem for a Dream and The Fountain. Maybe his updated take on RoboCop will be better.
On the other hand, I was pleasantly surprised by the movie, The Secret Life of Bees starring Dakota Fanning and Queen Latifah. It was a very funny and touching story about a young white girl who finds love and a new life among a family of Black women in 1960s South Carolina. To me, it spoke volumes about the need we all have to be loved, and how we build intentional families based on love. While my first attempt to do this here in New Jersey has not been entirely successful, I am hopeful that the experience will be beneficial for the future.
When I think about why my family did not work out, I can't really say I'd do anything differently if I had to do it all over again. In hindsight, I recognize that we came together when I was in a period of great volatility in my life, figuring out elements of my core identity and personal values on the fly. Ultimately, as much as I would have wished otherwise, my self-actualization caused a deep incompatibility that we could not overcome. I'm sure we all have wished at one time or another that people didn't have to change in ways that drive us apart, but sometimes there's no way to avoid it. We all have the right to live how we feel is best for ourselves, and everyone else is free to decide if they want to come along or not. If I decide to build a new intentional family, I'm sure I won't be dealing with the same magnitude of change in myself as before, but perhaps I'll have to deal with it coming from other people instead.
But before I can even think about doing anything along that line, my first priority is finding a job and becoming self-sufficient again. Aside from the jobs in Princeton and Jersey City, I now have a lead on a job in Hackensack, which should result in an interview next week. I am definitely seeing more opportunities out there, so perhaps it will not be long before I find something and get back to a normal life, although I'm not looking forward to normalizing my whacked-out sleep schedule.
On the other hand, I was pleasantly surprised by the movie, The Secret Life of Bees starring Dakota Fanning and Queen Latifah. It was a very funny and touching story about a young white girl who finds love and a new life among a family of Black women in 1960s South Carolina. To me, it spoke volumes about the need we all have to be loved, and how we build intentional families based on love. While my first attempt to do this here in New Jersey has not been entirely successful, I am hopeful that the experience will be beneficial for the future.
When I think about why my family did not work out, I can't really say I'd do anything differently if I had to do it all over again. In hindsight, I recognize that we came together when I was in a period of great volatility in my life, figuring out elements of my core identity and personal values on the fly. Ultimately, as much as I would have wished otherwise, my self-actualization caused a deep incompatibility that we could not overcome. I'm sure we all have wished at one time or another that people didn't have to change in ways that drive us apart, but sometimes there's no way to avoid it. We all have the right to live how we feel is best for ourselves, and everyone else is free to decide if they want to come along or not. If I decide to build a new intentional family, I'm sure I won't be dealing with the same magnitude of change in myself as before, but perhaps I'll have to deal with it coming from other people instead.
But before I can even think about doing anything along that line, my first priority is finding a job and becoming self-sufficient again. Aside from the jobs in Princeton and Jersey City, I now have a lead on a job in Hackensack, which should result in an interview next week. I am definitely seeing more opportunities out there, so perhaps it will not be long before I find something and get back to a normal life, although I'm not looking forward to normalizing my whacked-out sleep schedule.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Birthday picnic
Saturday was a continuation of Bee's birthday celebration with a picnic trip to Harriman State Park in New York. We drove up to Seven Lakes Drive, which winds its way through the park, and found a road closed due to a bridge being out. We drove around the sign and parked at the foot of the bridge and set up our picnic spot on an outcropping on the side of the road overlooking a lake. The sun was quite strong so we set up some umbrellas for shade.
Bee, Bug and I had pasta primavera and fruit salads, while Tara had cheese sandwiches and potato chips. After eating, Bee opened some of her presents, which included a gift card for Nordstrom Spa from me. Tara walked around and took some pictures while the rest of us dozed either lying on the picnic blanket or in a camp chair.
We packed up and drove toward the city, stopping at a gas station to change our clothes before going into New York to see Waiting for Godot, the play by Samuel Beckett, starring Nathan Lane, Bill Irwin, John Goodman and John Glover. It wasn't quite what any of us were expecting, but it proved to be very thought-provoking and stimulated a lot of conversation on the way home. Once we got home and unpacked Yoshi, we had some ice cream cupcakes from Maggie Moo's and Bee opened some more of her presents before calling it a night.
Sunday I went into the city myself for a meeting with the PolyNYC Board to brainstorm on publicity efforts surrounding Katelynn's appearance at the May 20th meeting. There was some discussion on what we would do if she had to cancel on us, and if that were to happen, I volunteered to step in and do a presentation. Hopefully that will not be the way it plays out. The meeting turned into a two-and-a-half hour discussion about religion, GLBT issues and our personal experiences as GLBT people. It was quite interesting and experiences like this and like the dinner at Sylvia's are giving me a crash-course in gay and bi culture and understanding the issues around being a sexual minority in this country.
As I discovered from visiting the Google home page, today is Samuel Morse's birthday, the inventor of Morse Code. So appropriately enough, I invited Tara over to watch Let the Right One In with me, the Swedish vampire movie I love so much ("One of the best of 2008" - March 11, 2009). Afterwards Bee and Bug came over and we watched the season finale of Heroes, which left me feeling a little unsatisfied.
Bee, Bug and I had pasta primavera and fruit salads, while Tara had cheese sandwiches and potato chips. After eating, Bee opened some of her presents, which included a gift card for Nordstrom Spa from me. Tara walked around and took some pictures while the rest of us dozed either lying on the picnic blanket or in a camp chair.
We packed up and drove toward the city, stopping at a gas station to change our clothes before going into New York to see Waiting for Godot, the play by Samuel Beckett, starring Nathan Lane, Bill Irwin, John Goodman and John Glover. It wasn't quite what any of us were expecting, but it proved to be very thought-provoking and stimulated a lot of conversation on the way home. Once we got home and unpacked Yoshi, we had some ice cream cupcakes from Maggie Moo's and Bee opened some more of her presents before calling it a night.
Sunday I went into the city myself for a meeting with the PolyNYC Board to brainstorm on publicity efforts surrounding Katelynn's appearance at the May 20th meeting. There was some discussion on what we would do if she had to cancel on us, and if that were to happen, I volunteered to step in and do a presentation. Hopefully that will not be the way it plays out. The meeting turned into a two-and-a-half hour discussion about religion, GLBT issues and our personal experiences as GLBT people. It was quite interesting and experiences like this and like the dinner at Sylvia's are giving me a crash-course in gay and bi culture and understanding the issues around being a sexual minority in this country.
As I discovered from visiting the Google home page, today is Samuel Morse's birthday, the inventor of Morse Code. So appropriately enough, I invited Tara over to watch Let the Right One In with me, the Swedish vampire movie I love so much ("One of the best of 2008" - March 11, 2009). Afterwards Bee and Bug came over and we watched the season finale of Heroes, which left me feeling a little unsatisfied.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Happiness is contagious
Our company holiday party starts in a couple hours, and it’s something I’m actually looking forward to – I’m actually wearing a suit for this. The last few years I’ve been pretty reluctant to attend these functions, but I’m trying to get more comfortable with it, to break out of my shell a little. Even though I’ll always be an introvert at heart, I am a human being and therefore a social creature. It’s just that when you can’t talk about your private life, it makes socializing with outsiders a little uncomfortable.
My co-workers are actually a pretty good lot of people, and I had a great time bowling with them on Wednesday night. I surprised myself by how well I could still bowl. We split into two groups of six and I was the high scorer on my team both games, and the overall high score on the second game (my high score was 119, I think, which isn’t very high at all). I gave a lot of pointers to my teammates, which seemed to help most of them. Bowling is actually a very team-oriented game, because everyone feels good when someone throws a strike. The only issue is that it’s kind of loud to have any conversations.
There was an article in the New York Times about how happiness is contagious, even among strangers. Maybe that’s what the world need a lot more of right now to combat all the downer news is for some people to spread happiness around. I know that part of the feeling of compersion (or frubble, as some poly people call it) is just that - being able to feel happiness instead of jealousy and negativity from seeing your loved one made happy by someone else. From now on, I want to try and focus on being happy and making others around me happy as well. ‘Tis the season, after all.
"Strangers May Cheer You Up, Study Says" – Dec. 5, 2008
This idea ties in nicely with what I see as a subtle shift in my spending patterns in the last couple years. I think about the fact that my last major purchase was my new flat-screen TV, but before that it was last Thanksgiving, when I bought my video projector and screen. Altogether my home theater probably cost me about $6,000 over the last three years, not including what was lost in the fire of 2007 or what I spend on DVDs and cable TV fees every month. But I think, like the author of this article in the Wall Street Journal, that it was money well spent, because every Saturday night my family comes over and we watch movies or TV together, and that has been the bedrock of my social life for the past year.
"Deals Abound, But Which Offer Lasting Delight?" - Dec. 3, 2008
I think going forward, I am going to prioritize my spending on things that involve my friends and family, rather than things that exclude them, as one expert in the article suggests. I already do this to a certain extent with museum memberships, Broadway shows, basketball games, etc., but I'd like to do more, if my job situation gets a little more stable.
My co-workers are actually a pretty good lot of people, and I had a great time bowling with them on Wednesday night. I surprised myself by how well I could still bowl. We split into two groups of six and I was the high scorer on my team both games, and the overall high score on the second game (my high score was 119, I think, which isn’t very high at all). I gave a lot of pointers to my teammates, which seemed to help most of them. Bowling is actually a very team-oriented game, because everyone feels good when someone throws a strike. The only issue is that it’s kind of loud to have any conversations.
There was an article in the New York Times about how happiness is contagious, even among strangers. Maybe that’s what the world need a lot more of right now to combat all the downer news is for some people to spread happiness around. I know that part of the feeling of compersion (or frubble, as some poly people call it) is just that - being able to feel happiness instead of jealousy and negativity from seeing your loved one made happy by someone else. From now on, I want to try and focus on being happy and making others around me happy as well. ‘Tis the season, after all.
"Strangers May Cheer You Up, Study Says" – Dec. 5, 2008
This idea ties in nicely with what I see as a subtle shift in my spending patterns in the last couple years. I think about the fact that my last major purchase was my new flat-screen TV, but before that it was last Thanksgiving, when I bought my video projector and screen. Altogether my home theater probably cost me about $6,000 over the last three years, not including what was lost in the fire of 2007 or what I spend on DVDs and cable TV fees every month. But I think, like the author of this article in the Wall Street Journal, that it was money well spent, because every Saturday night my family comes over and we watch movies or TV together, and that has been the bedrock of my social life for the past year.
"Deals Abound, But Which Offer Lasting Delight?" - Dec. 3, 2008
I think going forward, I am going to prioritize my spending on things that involve my friends and family, rather than things that exclude them, as one expert in the article suggests. I already do this to a certain extent with museum memberships, Broadway shows, basketball games, etc., but I'd like to do more, if my job situation gets a little more stable.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Potpourri
I have quite a potpourri of stuff to talk about, and very little time to do it, so I'm just going to do a stream of consciousness kind of post, omitting some of the formal language I usually employ. Please forgive the brevity.
First of all, proud to say that my alma mater, the University of Houston, is the first school in Texas to offer a gay-lesbian minor concentration in their undergraduate degree program. I'm sure this is at least partly the result of HGTA members at UH, but I forget their names.
"Lessons in diversity" - Houston Chronicle, Oct. 20, 2008
Had an interesting day yesterday - went to dance class with Agnieszka, where we learned the finer points of stripping out of different types of street clothes. Then I rode the subway up to the old Yankee Stadium to meet up with my family and take one of the final tours before they demolish it. Here's a photo Tara took of us in the dugout - Bug is taking my picture behind Bee.
Then rode the subway back downtown to South Street Seaport to meet a new friend, Polina, for a presentation of short films at a LGBT film festival. Polina and I have both been going to Polyamorous NYC meetings for several months now, but only actually met each other at the Poly Pride rally earlier this month, where we were both volunteers. Since then we've been getting to know each other and have gotten quite close, despite spending only a total of a few hours together. What's interesting is that she's the first person I've met who falls under three of my umbrella characteristics: pansexual, polyamorous and transgender (she identifies as gender fluid, meaning she alternates between masculine and feminine presentation). There's definitely the beginnings of attraction on my part, but we'll have to see how things turn out.
Speaking of characteristics, I recently took a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator profile for work, and what's interesting isn't so much the type I scored (INFP, for those interested). The interesting thing is that my type has changed since the last time I took the test at my old job in Houston, four or five years ago. Your type is not supposed to change throughout life - it's supposed to be your innate preferences. In my case, I swapped a "T" (for thinking) for an "F" (stands for feeling), which makes a lot of sense to me, considering the changes I've gone through in the past few years. Despite my tendency to overthink things, I'm much less of a thinker than I used to be in my previous life, and much less reliant on logic and objective analysis. Now I primarily make decisions based on my values and subjective evaluation of person-centered concerns. My description of my complete type, which I think is pretty accurate, goes as follows:
· Sensitive, concerned, and caring
· Loyal to people or a cause
· Guided by an inner core of values in decision making
· Focused on contributing to their own and others' inner development and growth
· Committed to a strong personal belief system
· Likely to enjoy reading, discussing, and reflecting on possibilities for positive change
· Usually seen by others as sensitive, introspective, and complex
Kind of sounds like prerequisites for being poly, among other things, doesn't it? Hope everyone had a nice weekend, and I'll be back soon.
First of all, proud to say that my alma mater, the University of Houston, is the first school in Texas to offer a gay-lesbian minor concentration in their undergraduate degree program. I'm sure this is at least partly the result of HGTA members at UH, but I forget their names.
"Lessons in diversity" - Houston Chronicle, Oct. 20, 2008
Had an interesting day yesterday - went to dance class with Agnieszka, where we learned the finer points of stripping out of different types of street clothes. Then I rode the subway up to the old Yankee Stadium to meet up with my family and take one of the final tours before they demolish it. Here's a photo Tara took of us in the dugout - Bug is taking my picture behind Bee.
Then rode the subway back downtown to South Street Seaport to meet a new friend, Polina, for a presentation of short films at a LGBT film festival. Polina and I have both been going to Polyamorous NYC meetings for several months now, but only actually met each other at the Poly Pride rally earlier this month, where we were both volunteers. Since then we've been getting to know each other and have gotten quite close, despite spending only a total of a few hours together. What's interesting is that she's the first person I've met who falls under three of my umbrella characteristics: pansexual, polyamorous and transgender (she identifies as gender fluid, meaning she alternates between masculine and feminine presentation). There's definitely the beginnings of attraction on my part, but we'll have to see how things turn out.
Speaking of characteristics, I recently took a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator profile for work, and what's interesting isn't so much the type I scored (INFP, for those interested). The interesting thing is that my type has changed since the last time I took the test at my old job in Houston, four or five years ago. Your type is not supposed to change throughout life - it's supposed to be your innate preferences. In my case, I swapped a "T" (for thinking) for an "F" (stands for feeling), which makes a lot of sense to me, considering the changes I've gone through in the past few years. Despite my tendency to overthink things, I'm much less of a thinker than I used to be in my previous life, and much less reliant on logic and objective analysis. Now I primarily make decisions based on my values and subjective evaluation of person-centered concerns. My description of my complete type, which I think is pretty accurate, goes as follows:
· Sensitive, concerned, and caring
· Loyal to people or a cause
· Guided by an inner core of values in decision making
· Focused on contributing to their own and others' inner development and growth
· Committed to a strong personal belief system
· Likely to enjoy reading, discussing, and reflecting on possibilities for positive change
· Usually seen by others as sensitive, introspective, and complex
Kind of sounds like prerequisites for being poly, among other things, doesn't it? Hope everyone had a nice weekend, and I'll be back soon.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Dreams and learning burlesque
From a new friend on MySpace - no hidden messages here, I just think this picture is funny.
I've been having some pretty weird dreams lately, and funnily enough they usually come on Friday nights when Tara stays over. The last one I still remember vividly is the four of us taking a road trip in an RV and stopping to visit a casino (like Foxwoods in Connecticut, which is funny in and of itself) but this was no ordinary casino. We split up and I went to the bathroom, and found it to be dozens of unisex open shower stalls, with all kinds of men and women showering separately without embarrassment, reminiscent of Robert Heinlein's book Starship Troopers.
After using the bathroom, I walked through the casino until I came to an empty room, with a door on the far wall. I went through that door and found myself in an infinite outdoor space, a pocket universe of sorts, where there was a lake with an island in the middle, and a footbridge to access the island. It was beautiful and peaceful, with only a few people about, basking in the sunshine and fresh air that was so different from being in a casino. I sat at the lakeshore and gazed for a while at the water before reluctantly leaving to return to the casino to find my family.
When we all met up, I excitedly told them about the lake and island, and wanted to show them before we left. Unfortunately, an announcement came over the PA that the casino was closing and everybody had to leave. Bee suddenly remembered that she had left her sketchbook in the bathroom and we had to go back for it. I said if we were going back to the bathroom, then we should also make a quick trip to the lake since it was only a room away. But then we saw coming down the hall an army of robots, standing shoulder to shoulder like riot police, cleaning everything and pushing people to the exits. It was clear we were not going to get past them, that we would probably be trampled if we attempted it. That's right when I woke up.
We continued our Heroes marathon with viewings on Friday and Saturday nights, and Saturday I took Yoshi in for his bi-annual vehicle inspection, which he passed (I'm so proud!). Sunday afternoon I went into the city with my friend Agnieszka to take a class in basic burlesque dance at the Slipper Room on the Lower East Side. We learned some of the basic moves - the glove peel, the bump and grind, and the tassle twirl. The last bit required us to put on homemade pasties on our breasts under our bras, which we then proceeded to peel off and reveal the tassels and make them twirl in different ways. Thankfully I had just gotten a very cute polka-dotted bra from Frederick's of Hollywood in the mail the day before - I got lots of compliments on it. Aside from being a lot of fun, it was very affirming for me to be with other women in a supportive environment as we all got over our natural shyness together. It was kind of like locker-room bonding is for guys, I think.
On Labor Day Tara and I went out to run some errands, first to the bookstore where I got the second volume of Laurell Hamilton's graphic novel Anita Blake series ('cause I just need more vampires in my life right now until Twilight hits the theaters Nov. 21) and Tara got a Brian Froud book of pressed fairies that she's been eyeing for some time now. I went to Sephora to get some makeup, then we went to buy her some clothes from Target and the Gap. I also got my Clinique Bonus from Bloomingdale's at another mall. Then we went to get groceries for our weekly visits, including a second griddle so she can make two stacks of pancakes at the same time so we can eat breakfast together on Saturday mornings. In the evening, Tara helped Bee organize her bookshelves while I reorganized my closet, since the shelves were repaired last weekend. All in all, it was a very productive day, and a relaxing weekend.
I've been having some pretty weird dreams lately, and funnily enough they usually come on Friday nights when Tara stays over. The last one I still remember vividly is the four of us taking a road trip in an RV and stopping to visit a casino (like Foxwoods in Connecticut, which is funny in and of itself) but this was no ordinary casino. We split up and I went to the bathroom, and found it to be dozens of unisex open shower stalls, with all kinds of men and women showering separately without embarrassment, reminiscent of Robert Heinlein's book Starship Troopers.
After using the bathroom, I walked through the casino until I came to an empty room, with a door on the far wall. I went through that door and found myself in an infinite outdoor space, a pocket universe of sorts, where there was a lake with an island in the middle, and a footbridge to access the island. It was beautiful and peaceful, with only a few people about, basking in the sunshine and fresh air that was so different from being in a casino. I sat at the lakeshore and gazed for a while at the water before reluctantly leaving to return to the casino to find my family.
When we all met up, I excitedly told them about the lake and island, and wanted to show them before we left. Unfortunately, an announcement came over the PA that the casino was closing and everybody had to leave. Bee suddenly remembered that she had left her sketchbook in the bathroom and we had to go back for it. I said if we were going back to the bathroom, then we should also make a quick trip to the lake since it was only a room away. But then we saw coming down the hall an army of robots, standing shoulder to shoulder like riot police, cleaning everything and pushing people to the exits. It was clear we were not going to get past them, that we would probably be trampled if we attempted it. That's right when I woke up.
We continued our Heroes marathon with viewings on Friday and Saturday nights, and Saturday I took Yoshi in for his bi-annual vehicle inspection, which he passed (I'm so proud!). Sunday afternoon I went into the city with my friend Agnieszka to take a class in basic burlesque dance at the Slipper Room on the Lower East Side. We learned some of the basic moves - the glove peel, the bump and grind, and the tassle twirl. The last bit required us to put on homemade pasties on our breasts under our bras, which we then proceeded to peel off and reveal the tassels and make them twirl in different ways. Thankfully I had just gotten a very cute polka-dotted bra from Frederick's of Hollywood in the mail the day before - I got lots of compliments on it. Aside from being a lot of fun, it was very affirming for me to be with other women in a supportive environment as we all got over our natural shyness together. It was kind of like locker-room bonding is for guys, I think.
On Labor Day Tara and I went out to run some errands, first to the bookstore where I got the second volume of Laurell Hamilton's graphic novel Anita Blake series ('cause I just need more vampires in my life right now until Twilight hits the theaters Nov. 21) and Tara got a Brian Froud book of pressed fairies that she's been eyeing for some time now. I went to Sephora to get some makeup, then we went to buy her some clothes from Target and the Gap. I also got my Clinique Bonus from Bloomingdale's at another mall. Then we went to get groceries for our weekly visits, including a second griddle so she can make two stacks of pancakes at the same time so we can eat breakfast together on Saturday mornings. In the evening, Tara helped Bee organize her bookshelves while I reorganized my closet, since the shelves were repaired last weekend. All in all, it was a very productive day, and a relaxing weekend.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Empathy
I've only got a few minutes to get caught up on things, so this is gonna be quick. I just don't want to fall behind on things.
As I said before, there are things happening that I'm not ready to talk about. Tara and Bee came over last Thursday night and we had a wide-ranging talk about some of the "big issues" we're dealing with. It was just the first step in what is probably going to be a series of discussions over the next several months, so there's not much I can say about it just yet.
Friday I had to work until almost 8 p.m. and so didn't have time to do much of anything before bringing Tara back to my place for our regular sleepover. We stopped at the grocery store to get some things to make breakfast in the morning, but other than that we just had a quiet evening of reading and snuggling. I finished "The Stolen Child" (loved it) and have now started on the Harry Potter series with the first volume.
Saturday my superintendent came over to fix my broken closet shelf, and in the evening we had dinner and started our Heroes TV marathon. We had to deal with some unpleasantness about my Blackberry, but managed to salvage the evening before it got too late. Later, Tara and I talked on the phone about the incident and the issues and feelings it raised. Eventually we settled things down, but the result was that I didn't get to bed until about a quarter to 5 in the morning.
Perhaps because of my weird sleep window, I was groggy all day Sunday, although Tara did take me out to the bookstore because Bee was in class learning about floral essences used in healing. We spent a few hours looking at books (I bought a new copy of The Usual Suspects, which is currently out of print) and made a couple other stops before she dropped me home and I just crashed on the bed and took a nap. Since I didn't feel like coming over to their house, they came over for a redux of Saturday night and we watched a couple more episodes of Heroes, which everybody is loving immensely.
Last night was date night, but we had a little wrinkle when Bee decided she was too tired to go to yoga. Tara still came over, but our energy was a little off. In a way, I feel a little guilty being with her when I know Bee is not otherwise occupied and would prefer that she stayed with her. I know that Tara and I have a right to creating our own space and keeping it inviolate when the others change their plans at the last minute, but emotionally, I can't help but feel a little uncomfortable when our delicate and complex web of scheduling goes awry. I've always been rather empathic, but never more so than in recent history, and I tend to let how other people's feelings (or things I perceive might affect their feelings) affect my emotions. Regardless, Tara and I had a nice evening with dinner at Burger King and watching an old official bootlegged U2 concert from the Joshua Tree era.
Today I had lunch with Lyndell, one of my polyamorous friends who is coordinating the PolyPride Weekend Event in October here in the city. She wanted to lend some of my PR expertise to her efforts, and I gave her a brainful of advice over salads. Hopefully some of my ideas will help her to promote the event, and I'm planning to attend this year for the first time. It's Oct. 4 in Central Park.
All for now - if I don't see you here again this week, happy Labor Day weekend everyone!
As I said before, there are things happening that I'm not ready to talk about. Tara and Bee came over last Thursday night and we had a wide-ranging talk about some of the "big issues" we're dealing with. It was just the first step in what is probably going to be a series of discussions over the next several months, so there's not much I can say about it just yet.
Friday I had to work until almost 8 p.m. and so didn't have time to do much of anything before bringing Tara back to my place for our regular sleepover. We stopped at the grocery store to get some things to make breakfast in the morning, but other than that we just had a quiet evening of reading and snuggling. I finished "The Stolen Child" (loved it) and have now started on the Harry Potter series with the first volume.
Saturday my superintendent came over to fix my broken closet shelf, and in the evening we had dinner and started our Heroes TV marathon. We had to deal with some unpleasantness about my Blackberry, but managed to salvage the evening before it got too late. Later, Tara and I talked on the phone about the incident and the issues and feelings it raised. Eventually we settled things down, but the result was that I didn't get to bed until about a quarter to 5 in the morning.
Perhaps because of my weird sleep window, I was groggy all day Sunday, although Tara did take me out to the bookstore because Bee was in class learning about floral essences used in healing. We spent a few hours looking at books (I bought a new copy of The Usual Suspects, which is currently out of print) and made a couple other stops before she dropped me home and I just crashed on the bed and took a nap. Since I didn't feel like coming over to their house, they came over for a redux of Saturday night and we watched a couple more episodes of Heroes, which everybody is loving immensely.
Last night was date night, but we had a little wrinkle when Bee decided she was too tired to go to yoga. Tara still came over, but our energy was a little off. In a way, I feel a little guilty being with her when I know Bee is not otherwise occupied and would prefer that she stayed with her. I know that Tara and I have a right to creating our own space and keeping it inviolate when the others change their plans at the last minute, but emotionally, I can't help but feel a little uncomfortable when our delicate and complex web of scheduling goes awry. I've always been rather empathic, but never more so than in recent history, and I tend to let how other people's feelings (or things I perceive might affect their feelings) affect my emotions. Regardless, Tara and I had a nice evening with dinner at Burger King and watching an old official bootlegged U2 concert from the Joshua Tree era.
Today I had lunch with Lyndell, one of my polyamorous friends who is coordinating the PolyPride Weekend Event in October here in the city. She wanted to lend some of my PR expertise to her efforts, and I gave her a brainful of advice over salads. Hopefully some of my ideas will help her to promote the event, and I'm planning to attend this year for the first time. It's Oct. 4 in Central Park.
All for now - if I don't see you here again this week, happy Labor Day weekend everyone!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Poly vs. Mono - Round 1
It was a bit of an up and down weekend for me, and things with Tara continue to be challenging, although our love remains undiminished. It only seems to be the form that love takes which causes disagreement between us. Such is the conflict that seems inevitable when polyamorous and monogamistic mindsets collide.
Friday, I picked up Tara after work because she would be spending the night with me for the first time since the July 4 weekend, a drought mainly stemming from Bee's physical health problems this summer. We went to the mall to do some shopping, watched some baseball in the evening and had some nice snuggle time before bed. In the morning she made me pancakes and I made her bacon for breakfast, followed by more snugglebunnies. I dropped her off at home in the early afternoon and proceeded to run my weekend errands.
I had a mind to visit the Cloisters in the city since it was such a nice day on Saturday, and luckily Bee was able to get off work early so that we could all go together for a couple of hours and see the gardens in their late summer glory. I took some pictures, but I'll have to post them later. Saturday night I made a different version of my curry chicken and onions for myself (I omitted the limes and jalapenos this time, since I didn't have any on hand) and the usual fried tofu with hot bean sauce for Bug, and vegetable dumplings for Bee, plus some spinach sauteed in black bean and garlic sauce. We watched The Truman Show for our movie and called it an early night. That was probably the best 24 hours as a family we've had in a long time.
Sunday morning started with a surprise visit from Tara, who came over because she had some bad dreams and wanted to talk to me. She crept into my apartment and snuggled next to me while we talked. We resolved the dream issue, but we ended up extending the conversation to larger issues and it got a little agitated. We settled down enough to enjoy some quick canoodling before I took her to the diner for breakfast. Unfortunately our difficult conversation continued during our meal and on the ride home.
After we parted, I was emotionally exhausted and pretty much checked out mentally the rest of the afternoon and evening, watching baseball and the Olympics on TV and napping to stave off the crying spells between doing about four loads of laundry. Tara and I talked a couple times on the phone in the evening and eventually settled down, but our issues continue to be a ticking time bomb that we will have to deal with someday.
In all, I think we both agree that the positives outweigh the negatives over the last few days, and in our relationship in general. This weekend we let each other know where we stand on certain issues, and acknowledged our shortcomings to each other. Truthfully, if we just stopped thinking about what might happen in the future and just focused on the time we spend together in the present, I think we'd be fine. Despite our many incompatibilities, being with her is just about the only time when I'm truly happy and content.
Friday, I picked up Tara after work because she would be spending the night with me for the first time since the July 4 weekend, a drought mainly stemming from Bee's physical health problems this summer. We went to the mall to do some shopping, watched some baseball in the evening and had some nice snuggle time before bed. In the morning she made me pancakes and I made her bacon for breakfast, followed by more snugglebunnies. I dropped her off at home in the early afternoon and proceeded to run my weekend errands.
I had a mind to visit the Cloisters in the city since it was such a nice day on Saturday, and luckily Bee was able to get off work early so that we could all go together for a couple of hours and see the gardens in their late summer glory. I took some pictures, but I'll have to post them later. Saturday night I made a different version of my curry chicken and onions for myself (I omitted the limes and jalapenos this time, since I didn't have any on hand) and the usual fried tofu with hot bean sauce for Bug, and vegetable dumplings for Bee, plus some spinach sauteed in black bean and garlic sauce. We watched The Truman Show for our movie and called it an early night. That was probably the best 24 hours as a family we've had in a long time.
Sunday morning started with a surprise visit from Tara, who came over because she had some bad dreams and wanted to talk to me. She crept into my apartment and snuggled next to me while we talked. We resolved the dream issue, but we ended up extending the conversation to larger issues and it got a little agitated. We settled down enough to enjoy some quick canoodling before I took her to the diner for breakfast. Unfortunately our difficult conversation continued during our meal and on the ride home.
After we parted, I was emotionally exhausted and pretty much checked out mentally the rest of the afternoon and evening, watching baseball and the Olympics on TV and napping to stave off the crying spells between doing about four loads of laundry. Tara and I talked a couple times on the phone in the evening and eventually settled down, but our issues continue to be a ticking time bomb that we will have to deal with someday.
In all, I think we both agree that the positives outweigh the negatives over the last few days, and in our relationship in general. This weekend we let each other know where we stand on certain issues, and acknowledged our shortcomings to each other. Truthfully, if we just stopped thinking about what might happen in the future and just focused on the time we spend together in the present, I think we'd be fine. Despite our many incompatibilities, being with her is just about the only time when I'm truly happy and content.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Ups and downs
Last week was not too terribly interesting, which is why there were no blog entries. It was a busy week at work, and I was dragging all the way until Friday. Tuesday night we went to see Kung Fu Panda at the local theater, which gives out free tickets to Optimum Triple Play cable/phone/internet subscribers on Tuesdays. The movie was very funny and quite thoughtful - but the seats and atmosphere at this older theater were pretty awful. I suggested next time we bring in wheelchairs and pretend that we're disabled - which we would have been if we had continued to sit in those chairs much longer.
Wednesday I met my friend Lori in the city and we had dinner at a vegan pizzeria, which was a first for me. It's so interesting how, in the nine months we've known each other, some aspects of our respective intimate relationships used to be so similar, and now are so different. When we first met, she was in a relationship with a man who was in a loveless marriage with another woman, who adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude about the relationship. At that time, my relationship with Tara was strained in terms of intimacy, so I was dating other people at the time. Of course no one stuck, but happily Lori and I have remained close friends.
In the nine months since we met, Lori's paramour left his wife and moved into his own apartment, and during the same time, Lori moved out of the condo she shared with her parents and into her own place. Now they are talking about putting their stuff in storage and living together for real, full-time, instead of just "playing house" like they have been doing. They've also decided to be monogamous instead of polyamorous, as Lori has been in the past. She has also been flourishing professionally, since she was unemployed nine months ago, and now she has a job she enjoys that could turn into a full-time, permanent position soon. I'm just so happy for her, that her life is taking a course that is leading to love and fulfillment. And of course, in the past nine months, I've gotten back on the same path with Tara and our family after the derailment last summer, and we're now moving at our own comfortable pace, which is considerably slower than Lori's.
So, not as a point of contrast, but to continue the linear narrative: Thursday was a pretty difficult day for me and Tara. It was Bee's first day back to work after the dog attack, and Tara was rightly concerned about her being back after such a long layoff. That led to a long email exchange about its effect on our usual Thursday night date, which I was inclined to just abbreviate so Tara could be home early, but she disagreed. This led to a difficult discussion about our differing communication styles and the fact that I was acting very childish and feeling threatened, but eventually we worked it out that evening.
Any further ramifications from that episode were quickly drowned out by Bee contracting a stomach virus and having to go to the hospital Friday morning. She spent the rest of the weekend semi-comatose on the couch and vomiting at all hours of the day and night - poor thing! She can't seem to catch a break with the dog attack and now this.
So instead of the weekend we had planned with movies and museum trips, we all stayed close to home and took care of her. On Sunday, Tara and I went to Palisades Center to take a break and do a little shopping and time-spending together. I also tore through "Eclipse" for the second time, finishing it again last night before bed. I sure can't wait for "Breaking Dawn" to come out Aug. 2, and the the Twilight movie in December.
Wednesday I met my friend Lori in the city and we had dinner at a vegan pizzeria, which was a first for me. It's so interesting how, in the nine months we've known each other, some aspects of our respective intimate relationships used to be so similar, and now are so different. When we first met, she was in a relationship with a man who was in a loveless marriage with another woman, who adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude about the relationship. At that time, my relationship with Tara was strained in terms of intimacy, so I was dating other people at the time. Of course no one stuck, but happily Lori and I have remained close friends.
In the nine months since we met, Lori's paramour left his wife and moved into his own apartment, and during the same time, Lori moved out of the condo she shared with her parents and into her own place. Now they are talking about putting their stuff in storage and living together for real, full-time, instead of just "playing house" like they have been doing. They've also decided to be monogamous instead of polyamorous, as Lori has been in the past. She has also been flourishing professionally, since she was unemployed nine months ago, and now she has a job she enjoys that could turn into a full-time, permanent position soon. I'm just so happy for her, that her life is taking a course that is leading to love and fulfillment. And of course, in the past nine months, I've gotten back on the same path with Tara and our family after the derailment last summer, and we're now moving at our own comfortable pace, which is considerably slower than Lori's.
So, not as a point of contrast, but to continue the linear narrative: Thursday was a pretty difficult day for me and Tara. It was Bee's first day back to work after the dog attack, and Tara was rightly concerned about her being back after such a long layoff. That led to a long email exchange about its effect on our usual Thursday night date, which I was inclined to just abbreviate so Tara could be home early, but she disagreed. This led to a difficult discussion about our differing communication styles and the fact that I was acting very childish and feeling threatened, but eventually we worked it out that evening.
Any further ramifications from that episode were quickly drowned out by Bee contracting a stomach virus and having to go to the hospital Friday morning. She spent the rest of the weekend semi-comatose on the couch and vomiting at all hours of the day and night - poor thing! She can't seem to catch a break with the dog attack and now this.
So instead of the weekend we had planned with movies and museum trips, we all stayed close to home and took care of her. On Sunday, Tara and I went to Palisades Center to take a break and do a little shopping and time-spending together. I also tore through "Eclipse" for the second time, finishing it again last night before bed. I sure can't wait for "Breaking Dawn" to come out Aug. 2, and the the Twilight movie in December.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Describing relationships
When I'm not blogging in here regularly, it usually means I'm distracted by all that life has to offer, both good and bad. On Friday, one of those bad things happened, as Bee was attacked and bitten several times by a large dog she was training. She suffered multiple bite wounds on her right arm and had to be taken to the hospital for a tetanus shot. She's going to be out of work for a week, recovering on workman's comp, which also means she can't drive her company car, which is her only means of transportation right now.
So to help out and get her to her doctor's appointment tomorrow, I'm taking Wednesday through Friday off work, which also gives me an opportunity to read my copy of Eclipse, the third book in the Twilight Saga which arrives today. Between reading that, my incoming Lucifer books and watching the rest of Season One of Heroes on library DVD, I should have plenty to occupy my free time over the next several days.
When I told my office I was taking time off to help a family member, I did get some queries about my relationship with Bee, i.e. was she my cousin? This is one of the few times I have had to deal with my new poly lifestyle in public, because usually I keep work and private life scrupulously separate, other than using my Blackberry. One thing I haven't found in poly is an adequate description of family roles that mirror those found in biological families. I normally think of Tara as my mate (an easy-to-use, non-gender specific term) and if she thought about it in those terms, she would probably describe me as her girlfriend, lover or (ideally) co-mate. But I don't really have an adequate term to describe my relationship to Bee.
We are not sisters or cousins, and it would be wrong to say we are. We are at once more and less than girlfriends - more because we consider each other family, less because we don't have that kind of BFF-type of relationship where we are completely comfortable with each other and can talk about anything. There really doesn't seem to be a word that can adequately describe my relationship to Bee (and Bug) that - without completely outing myself - would be understandable to the poly-layperson who doesn't even know what "primary" and "secondary" mean. So the best I can come up with is that they are all members of my intentional family, which seems to resonate with most people. If we're lucky, we all have two families: the one you are born with, and the one you choose; the unintentional and the intentional. This also works well since I'm not public with my sexual orientation at work, either.
So I had a very relaxing weekend with my family, with our usual movies (The Da Vinci Code on Saturday night, The Incredible Hulk on Sunday afternoon), swimming, Yankee baseball (playing the Houston Astros) and Saturday night dinner. I did get a little melancholy on Sunday morning when I was alone, which spilled into Sunday night just a bit, but nothing serious. I am trying my best to stay in the present and not let fear of being in pain ruin the brief moments Tara and I have together. I know that sounds really emo, but like I said, it's not serious.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Relationship issues
I found this article in my poly reading this morning that I'd like to share, from the Telegraph newspaper in the UK:
"Four better or four worse for marriage of four" - June 6, 2008
At the end of the article there are some very insightful comments from prominent polyamorist Deborah Taj Anapol, author of "The New Love Without Limits," and the co-founder of "Loving More Magazine." She says if you're interested in pursuing polyamory, the first step is to have an open and honest discussion with your current partner about the possibility. If you can't get that far, she advised, stay monogamous.
So to update the jury service situation - the sexual assault case was resolved without the need for a trial, so they sent all the jurors home early on Thursday, and that concludes my three days of jury service. I'm home free for at least the next three years, but I'll be happy if I'm never picked again in my life. I wish I knew how you got into the jury pool so I could avoid entering in the first place. But I think it's some combination of paying taxes, having a driver's license, owning a car or a home, and registering to vote that does it, and the only thing I plan on never doing is voting, so I'm probably screwed.
Since I got to go home early, I went to pick up Tara for lunch at a diner before coming back to my place and tearing each other's clothes off as soon as we got in the door. We rarely go more than two days without seeing each other, and we hadn't seen each other since Monday night. We spent about the next four hours in bed making love and dozing off in each other's arms, the bedroom flooded with the afternoon sunlight - it was wonderful. Eventually it was time to move the molecules as I wanted to buy some books to replace those I read while serving my jury duty. So we went to Borders and to Barnes & Noble in Paramus, and I bought three more graphic novels. We also had our nice talk about our relationship and came to some new understandings that I felt were minor breakthroughs for us. Perhaps it will lead to the more open and relaxed conversations about the serious issues that are necessary to keep the drama and negative feelings at bay.
"Four better or four worse for marriage of four" - June 6, 2008
At the end of the article there are some very insightful comments from prominent polyamorist Deborah Taj Anapol, author of "The New Love Without Limits," and the co-founder of "Loving More Magazine." She says if you're interested in pursuing polyamory, the first step is to have an open and honest discussion with your current partner about the possibility. If you can't get that far, she advised, stay monogamous.
"Polyamory to me is really a spiritual path," she said. "It's a tremendous growth opportunity. It will show you very very quickly any area where you're insecure. Any old wounds that you have will come to the surface, any weak spots in your relationship will come forward. Basically polyamory will show more quickly than just about anything else all the unfinished business you have in your life."I think about this because yesterday Tara and I had one of our most open and relaxed talks about the future and other "serious" issues in a long time. We talked about the housing issue and the possibility of living together someday. We confirmed what I had pretty much concluded on my own, that it was unlikely we would ever share a home unless one of two things happened. Either there has to be significant changes in attitude among each and all of them (after all, this is mostly my idea) or they would have to be forced to leave their current house (hopefully in a less destructive way than they left their last house). So barring either of these unexpected turns of events, I'm planning on living alone for the foreseeable future, which is not my preference. But living alone is certainly preferable to living with the wrong person or living with people for the wrong reasons, so I accept that.
So to update the jury service situation - the sexual assault case was resolved without the need for a trial, so they sent all the jurors home early on Thursday, and that concludes my three days of jury service. I'm home free for at least the next three years, but I'll be happy if I'm never picked again in my life. I wish I knew how you got into the jury pool so I could avoid entering in the first place. But I think it's some combination of paying taxes, having a driver's license, owning a car or a home, and registering to vote that does it, and the only thing I plan on never doing is voting, so I'm probably screwed.
Since I got to go home early, I went to pick up Tara for lunch at a diner before coming back to my place and tearing each other's clothes off as soon as we got in the door. We rarely go more than two days without seeing each other, and we hadn't seen each other since Monday night. We spent about the next four hours in bed making love and dozing off in each other's arms, the bedroom flooded with the afternoon sunlight - it was wonderful. Eventually it was time to move the molecules as I wanted to buy some books to replace those I read while serving my jury duty. So we went to Borders and to Barnes & Noble in Paramus, and I bought three more graphic novels. We also had our nice talk about our relationship and came to some new understandings that I felt were minor breakthroughs for us. Perhaps it will lead to the more open and relaxed conversations about the serious issues that are necessary to keep the drama and negative feelings at bay.
Monday, June 02, 2008
A quiet weekend
Sometimes the smallest things can be very special when it comes to being with the ones we love. Saturday morning I slept in late, and Tara came over while I was still in bed. She buzzed my phone so I could let her in the front door, entered my apartment with her key, and crawled into bed with me. Given the fact that we have spent the night together in the same bed only once before (and that was either a year or two ago, I can't remember precisely) this was a nice treat to wake up on a weekend morning with my mate in bed with me, even if she did had to drive over to be there.
Friday afternoon I got a haircut for the first time since November. My hair grows really slowly, so length wasn't a problem, but it was starting to lose its shape and texture because of the weight. I go to a guy named Edison in Chinatown who was recommended by a co-worker, and he does a really fine job. Plus, he's a super-nice guy, and rather good-looking, although way too young for me (he's 23, I think). But he spends a lot of time on my hair, and does a very nice job making my hair look the best it can. Because of the way my hair grows, I don't have a lot of style options, but it feels nice to have some layers and texture back in my hair. Sometimes you just have to trust an Asian person to cut Asian hair.
Saturday afternoon after Tara and I got out of bed we went to Costco, looking for a new television to replace the one that I smashed several months ago. We looked at a couple of contenders, a Philips, a Vizio and a Panasonic plasma TV, and decided on the Philips LCD. Unfortunately, the last one in the box had just been taken by another shopper (I saw them taking it, but figured there must be more in the store). When the clerk said that was the last one and they were sold out, I half-decided that I should just give up and stick with my broken Vizio (it's still watchable, but about 15 percent of the screen at the bottom right is blanked out). But Tara said we should check with the other Costcos nearby, so we went over to customer service to inquire stock at the other store about 15 miles away.
When we got to the customer service area, I spotted one of the Philips TVs on a cart, new in the box. I quickly inquired if it was being held for someone, or if it was a return waiting to go back to stock. The clerk asked another employee, who looked at me and said, "take it!" so we did. Apparently someone bought the TV and got buyer's remorse or something and returned it without opening it, so we managed to snag the last TV in the store. It's a Philips 42-inch LCD with 1080p resolution and four HDMI inputs, for you tech heads out there. We brought it home and installed it behind my drop-down movie screen and moved the damaged Vizio to the bedroom, which replaced a 20-inch CRT unit that came with my apartment's furniture.
Speaking of furniture, on Thursday I finally found a nice footrest for the living room, a long, low padded footrest suitable for me, Bee and Tara to rest our feet on during movies (Bug sits on the loveseat). What I like about it is that it's not a straight rectangle, but a curvy rectangle, which gives it an organic, feminine feel. Plus the upholstery is a neutral beige with a subtle floral embroidery and dark wooden legs that matches well with my existing furniture. With this, my new full-length mirror and the new TV, I feel like I'm done nesting with this apartment and probably won't make any other major furniture/electronics purchases until I move into a house, perhaps next year.
Saturday night all the girls came over to coo over the new TV, and admire the hyper-realistic 1080p HD picture of the Yankees baseball game. We had a nice dinner together and watched The Mummy on the front-projection big screen, followed by a re-run of Saturday Night Live. Sunday I went out to run some errands, and met Bee and Tara back at my place so we could go swimming for the first time this year. The water was really cold, despite the warm sun, and we spent some time back and forth in the hot tub.
Afterwards, we had watermelon before Bee left to attend a yoga meeting, so Tara helped me take out all my trash, including the big TV box that I'd filled with garbage, then we went back to her place to eat an early dinner and watch the baseball game she had DVRed earlier in the afternoon. I dozed off on the couch while Bug wandered in and out of the living room from her newly renovated studio. After the game and when Bee got home, they did a little gardening and Bee, Tara and I went out to the Dairy Queen for ice cream. I haven't had a dipped cone in many years, and it was as good as I remember from my childhood.
All in all, this was a very nice weekend for everyone, probably the best in a few months. We didn't really do anything special, but what we did do, we did well and with peaceful intention. We didn't need to talk about the big things, or the heavy issues. We just tried to cultivate a healthy, quiet space where everyone could enjoy each other's company and still do what we wanted to do individually. That, in a nutshell, is what our family is all about.
Friday afternoon I got a haircut for the first time since November. My hair grows really slowly, so length wasn't a problem, but it was starting to lose its shape and texture because of the weight. I go to a guy named Edison in Chinatown who was recommended by a co-worker, and he does a really fine job. Plus, he's a super-nice guy, and rather good-looking, although way too young for me (he's 23, I think). But he spends a lot of time on my hair, and does a very nice job making my hair look the best it can. Because of the way my hair grows, I don't have a lot of style options, but it feels nice to have some layers and texture back in my hair. Sometimes you just have to trust an Asian person to cut Asian hair.
Saturday afternoon after Tara and I got out of bed we went to Costco, looking for a new television to replace the one that I smashed several months ago. We looked at a couple of contenders, a Philips, a Vizio and a Panasonic plasma TV, and decided on the Philips LCD. Unfortunately, the last one in the box had just been taken by another shopper (I saw them taking it, but figured there must be more in the store). When the clerk said that was the last one and they were sold out, I half-decided that I should just give up and stick with my broken Vizio (it's still watchable, but about 15 percent of the screen at the bottom right is blanked out). But Tara said we should check with the other Costcos nearby, so we went over to customer service to inquire stock at the other store about 15 miles away.
When we got to the customer service area, I spotted one of the Philips TVs on a cart, new in the box. I quickly inquired if it was being held for someone, or if it was a return waiting to go back to stock. The clerk asked another employee, who looked at me and said, "take it!" so we did. Apparently someone bought the TV and got buyer's remorse or something and returned it without opening it, so we managed to snag the last TV in the store. It's a Philips 42-inch LCD with 1080p resolution and four HDMI inputs, for you tech heads out there. We brought it home and installed it behind my drop-down movie screen and moved the damaged Vizio to the bedroom, which replaced a 20-inch CRT unit that came with my apartment's furniture.
Speaking of furniture, on Thursday I finally found a nice footrest for the living room, a long, low padded footrest suitable for me, Bee and Tara to rest our feet on during movies (Bug sits on the loveseat). What I like about it is that it's not a straight rectangle, but a curvy rectangle, which gives it an organic, feminine feel. Plus the upholstery is a neutral beige with a subtle floral embroidery and dark wooden legs that matches well with my existing furniture. With this, my new full-length mirror and the new TV, I feel like I'm done nesting with this apartment and probably won't make any other major furniture/electronics purchases until I move into a house, perhaps next year.
Saturday night all the girls came over to coo over the new TV, and admire the hyper-realistic 1080p HD picture of the Yankees baseball game. We had a nice dinner together and watched The Mummy on the front-projection big screen, followed by a re-run of Saturday Night Live. Sunday I went out to run some errands, and met Bee and Tara back at my place so we could go swimming for the first time this year. The water was really cold, despite the warm sun, and we spent some time back and forth in the hot tub.
Afterwards, we had watermelon before Bee left to attend a yoga meeting, so Tara helped me take out all my trash, including the big TV box that I'd filled with garbage, then we went back to her place to eat an early dinner and watch the baseball game she had DVRed earlier in the afternoon. I dozed off on the couch while Bug wandered in and out of the living room from her newly renovated studio. After the game and when Bee got home, they did a little gardening and Bee, Tara and I went out to the Dairy Queen for ice cream. I haven't had a dipped cone in many years, and it was as good as I remember from my childhood.
All in all, this was a very nice weekend for everyone, probably the best in a few months. We didn't really do anything special, but what we did do, we did well and with peaceful intention. We didn't need to talk about the big things, or the heavy issues. We just tried to cultivate a healthy, quiet space where everyone could enjoy each other's company and still do what we wanted to do individually. That, in a nutshell, is what our family is all about.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Deciding to decide
I've been thinking a lot about my last post about my poly anniversary. After I wrote it Sunday morning, Tara came over and we had a long, sometimes difficult talk about the events of June and July 2007, specifically regarding the breakup of our triad. Our talk ended well, and we ended up having a decent evening. I took her and Bee to the diner and we had a nice meal (a wonderful seafood paella for me) and then we went to see Speed Racer at the movie theater, which was a lot better than the box office grosses would suggest.
What I've been thinking about since Sunday is how to get past that breakup, which still has repercussions for Tara and to a lesser degree for Bee and Bug, although I never actually had a chance to address what happened with either of them directly. And what I've come to realize is that the events of last year really could not have happened any other way. We were not ready to be a poly family back then, and frankly, we have a lot of work to do yet, if we even decide we want that anymore.
But back in 2007, I had just suffered my second fire in less than two years, plus I was only six months recovered from major surgery. When the fire happened in March, I stayed with my family for a week until I could get a new apartment and start rebuilding my home. Despite this, I was growing increasingly distant from Tara because of the secrecy surrounding our relationship, and her own issues at home. Then in May, everything changed when she told Bee and Bug what was going on between us, that we were in love and having an intimate physical relationship. That month was also the first time Tara and I made love, and a first time ever for me in some ways.
It was two weeks later in the midst of all this upheaval when the poly relationship started, before any of us even really knew what polyamory was, or whether we truly wanted it or not. Looking back, I can say with all certainty that a poly relationship started under these circumstances, and among people who have never heard the word "polyamory" before, has no right to be a successful one.
What I've also come to realize is that, as goal-oriented as I am usually perceived as being, I have never actually stated my intentions with Tara. Part of the reason is her dislike of such declarations, but what I now understand is that in our situation, when the typical fairy tale ending simply isn't an option and therefore cannot be the expected default outcome, without such a declaration of love and commitment, there is too much uncertainty in the relationship to avoid constant vertigo and drama outbreaks.
So last night I told her there are two facts about us that we both agree on. First is that we are both very much in love with each other. Second is that, despite our efforts in the past, we are incapable of being just platonic friends. If we accept these two facts as truth, then the only thing that remains is to decide what to do about it, given our current situation. And last night I told her I had made the decision to figure out what to do about these two facts being true, and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to decide how I want our relationship to look like, and propose (it) to her.
I'm not expecting this to be a simple "yes-no" like a marriage proposal, because it's not just about the two of us, and there will probably be some details I'd bring up that will need to be talked about and agreed upon. But the point is, if our love is as strong as we say it is, and if we truly want to be together in the long term, affirming our commitment publicly and taking the option of abandonment off the table will go a long way toward building a more solid foundation for whatever comes later. Speaking only for myself, as much as I love Tara, it's time for me to get serious and stop pretending like I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her.
What I've been thinking about since Sunday is how to get past that breakup, which still has repercussions for Tara and to a lesser degree for Bee and Bug, although I never actually had a chance to address what happened with either of them directly. And what I've come to realize is that the events of last year really could not have happened any other way. We were not ready to be a poly family back then, and frankly, we have a lot of work to do yet, if we even decide we want that anymore.
But back in 2007, I had just suffered my second fire in less than two years, plus I was only six months recovered from major surgery. When the fire happened in March, I stayed with my family for a week until I could get a new apartment and start rebuilding my home. Despite this, I was growing increasingly distant from Tara because of the secrecy surrounding our relationship, and her own issues at home. Then in May, everything changed when she told Bee and Bug what was going on between us, that we were in love and having an intimate physical relationship. That month was also the first time Tara and I made love, and a first time ever for me in some ways.
It was two weeks later in the midst of all this upheaval when the poly relationship started, before any of us even really knew what polyamory was, or whether we truly wanted it or not. Looking back, I can say with all certainty that a poly relationship started under these circumstances, and among people who have never heard the word "polyamory" before, has no right to be a successful one.
What I've also come to realize is that, as goal-oriented as I am usually perceived as being, I have never actually stated my intentions with Tara. Part of the reason is her dislike of such declarations, but what I now understand is that in our situation, when the typical fairy tale ending simply isn't an option and therefore cannot be the expected default outcome, without such a declaration of love and commitment, there is too much uncertainty in the relationship to avoid constant vertigo and drama outbreaks.
So last night I told her there are two facts about us that we both agree on. First is that we are both very much in love with each other. Second is that, despite our efforts in the past, we are incapable of being just platonic friends. If we accept these two facts as truth, then the only thing that remains is to decide what to do about it, given our current situation. And last night I told her I had made the decision to figure out what to do about these two facts being true, and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to decide how I want our relationship to look like, and propose (it) to her.
I'm not expecting this to be a simple "yes-no" like a marriage proposal, because it's not just about the two of us, and there will probably be some details I'd bring up that will need to be talked about and agreed upon. But the point is, if our love is as strong as we say it is, and if we truly want to be together in the long term, affirming our commitment publicly and taking the option of abandonment off the table will go a long way toward building a more solid foundation for whatever comes later. Speaking only for myself, as much as I love Tara, it's time for me to get serious and stop pretending like I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Family update
I've been thinking a lot about my family dynamic and how it's different from what I'm used to. I talked about it briefly with Tara on the way home from our celebratory dinner at Harold's Famous Deli last night - celebrating my second anniversary of arriving in New Jersey. Harold's is where we went to celebrate the night I arrived - it's where we go any time there's something to celebrate. This is the first time I've ever been there without everyone in attendance, but Bee and Bug had their own anniversary to celebrate last night, which is fine. It was nice to have some date time with Tara anyway, even though we were both not feeling our best.
Perhaps it was this first visit to Harold's without everyone in attendance that got me thinking about this topic. It's a little difficult to explain here what the subject of my thoughts are about my family dynamic, so I'm not going to go into too much detail.
Basically, I have an idea of being in a poly family where everyone is interconnected with each other, and therefore, can all talk as a group about relationships as well as practical household matters. And really, up until a few weeks ago, I thought it possible that my family could be like that someday, but lately, I've been having doubts that it will ever get to that point. That's not to say there's something "wrong" with my family's style of communication - it has worked for the three of them for 10 years before I got here. I'm just not sure it will work with me, a relative outsider, being thrown into the mix - especially in a poly context that never existed before but does now.
As I said in a previous post, I am trying to focus on the present and enjoy what I have right now. I've come to recognize the futility of trying to direct and plan change when it comes to relationships. Last year, I saw the destructive effects of putting too much effort into making a relationship work that didn't evolve organically. So this year, I'm purposely being aware of not forcing myself or anyone else to put effort into creating relationships that aren't really that important to them, which is probably the most sensible thing to do.
However, what I find is that like the second law of thermodynamics when you don't put energy into a system (i.e. a relationship) eventually you get entropy. So even though my relationship with Tara is fine because we both put in the effort to sustain it, my relationships with Bug and especially Buffy are cordial, but mostly superficial. A big part of the reason for this from my viewpoint is that we are not able to talk about real things, like I do with my friends Lori and Agnieszka when I have time to see them. Bug is better with this than Buffy right now, but we just don't spend very much time with just the two of us (like, one night a month at most). And on the rare occasions that Buffy and I spend alone time together (as we did last week at the spa), we really don't talk about personal things. I think it's because we're just not comfortable enough with each other to do so, although I really don't know why that is with all we've been through together.
I find it somewhat discouraging to know two such wonderful people as Bee and Bug are, and to have had such lovely times together in the past and yet find that we are slowly drifting apart such that I feel more comfortable spending time with either of my aforementioned close girl friends than with either of them one on one. That's not to say we don't have wonderful times together as a group with Tara, because we do.
On the other hand, if that is the way it's supposed to be, then I will just accept that we will never be the poly family that I originally hoped to be back in January. Maybe we'll be something else, but whatever happens, I'll accept that it will be the right outcome for everyone concerned. I'm not saying my original idea can't happen - Tara pointed out last night that time is not an issue, and if it happens, it could happen quickly. I'm just saying it's not happening now and maybe we're all meant for something else.
Only time will tell.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Molested on the train
I got my hair colored last night. It's kind of a goth-y red that streaks through my natural black and actually quite subtle compared to the first time I did it, probably because my highlights are grown out. It's flashy enough for me though. Maybe I'll get around to taking some pictures of myself - it's been a while since I've posted any.
I also did some grocery shopping last night with my friend Lori at the organic food store. I got a bar of French-milled lavender soap for the bathroom, a bag of malt vinegar and salt potato chips, and a jar of sea salt to use with my neti pot.
I had a weird experience on the train this morning, maybe because I'm wearing men's cologne today (Cerruti 1881), and wouldn't you know, I think I got molested. It was crowded, so there was a big guy sitting in the middle seat next to me. I had my sunglasses on so I could doze, but I noticed that this guy seemed to be expanding and taking up more and more room as the trip went on. So since I didn't feel like I had to cede the space, we were pretty much pressed up against each other, which wasn't very pleasant because he was wearing a leather jacket which was cold from being outside.
Then as we were arriving at Penn Station in New York, his hand was on his thigh, and he let a couple fingers slide over to touch my leg - ewwww! I tried to shift around as much as I could, but there's not much room to go anywhere since I always sit by the window. I'm wearing a short skirt with patterned black tights, so maybe he just found them irresistible. Or it must be something about women wearing men's cologne that drives some people wild :P
Monday night I made my chili, and Tara came over for our regular Monday night date when Bee goes to yoga class. She wasn't in the mood for any of the "spiritually uplifting" movies I wanted to see, so we settled on our old favorite, Major League, to celebrate the start of baseball spring training. After some really great sex, we talked for a long time, and I shared some of my hopes and dreams for our family's future. I'd had some weird energy all day, and it did spill over when we were saying goodbye, but at the end we were able to work through it. Thank you, love.
I also did some grocery shopping last night with my friend Lori at the organic food store. I got a bar of French-milled lavender soap for the bathroom, a bag of malt vinegar and salt potato chips, and a jar of sea salt to use with my neti pot.
I had a weird experience on the train this morning, maybe because I'm wearing men's cologne today (Cerruti 1881), and wouldn't you know, I think I got molested. It was crowded, so there was a big guy sitting in the middle seat next to me. I had my sunglasses on so I could doze, but I noticed that this guy seemed to be expanding and taking up more and more room as the trip went on. So since I didn't feel like I had to cede the space, we were pretty much pressed up against each other, which wasn't very pleasant because he was wearing a leather jacket which was cold from being outside.
Then as we were arriving at Penn Station in New York, his hand was on his thigh, and he let a couple fingers slide over to touch my leg - ewwww! I tried to shift around as much as I could, but there's not much room to go anywhere since I always sit by the window. I'm wearing a short skirt with patterned black tights, so maybe he just found them irresistible. Or it must be something about women wearing men's cologne that drives some people wild :P
Monday night I made my chili, and Tara came over for our regular Monday night date when Bee goes to yoga class. She wasn't in the mood for any of the "spiritually uplifting" movies I wanted to see, so we settled on our old favorite, Major League, to celebrate the start of baseball spring training. After some really great sex, we talked for a long time, and I shared some of my hopes and dreams for our family's future. I'd had some weird energy all day, and it did spill over when we were saying goodbye, but at the end we were able to work through it. Thank you, love.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Nice weekend
This weekend was probably one of the best I've had in a while, maybe so far in 2008. And I didn't even get to have sex with anyone.
Friday night after work I took a train to Macy's in Herald Square on 34th Street and Broadway to buy a Philips DVD Micro Theater Audio System from J&R Express in the basement. It's on sale for $99 ($150 off the regular price) so I wanted to replace the piecemeal setup I had in my bedroom. The only inconvenience was carrying the heavy box from the store two blocks to Penn Station and getting it on the train home. But I set it up and it sounds/looks great.
Saturday I ran my usual errands and went to my local Macy's in New Jersey to return a black charmeuse blouse I'd bought the week before because it's too small. I actually found the right size in red, but even though I thought it was very pretty, red is not a color I can wear too often. It looks good on me, but it's so bright that it looked like I was going to a holiday party. As much as I deride black sometimes, it is a very versatile color for both work and play. Perhaps it is that absence of color that keeps us from ascribing inappropriate or inaccurate meanings to the clothes we wear. I would have liked to find the same blouse in silver grey. And I did actually find some Alfani tops on the 80% off rack that were lovely - one was a turquoise silk top and the other was a metallic turtleneck top, both under $15, and then another top in deep purple that's a 3/4 length sleeve knit top with criss-cross fabric at the bust. And, to top it off, I found my clutch in a navy satin that goes with the skirt I'm wearing for the wedding on Saturday, so it was a very productive shopping trip.
Saturday night we had our usual family dinner and a movie night when we started a Star Wars trilogy with Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. I accidentally left the stove on and burned up a pot of my fried rice, which meant we had to air things out for a bit before starting the movie. Luckily, the smell didn't linger and no real damage was done. Bee started nodding off halfway through the movie, so she fell asleep on my bed while Tara, Bug and I finished the movie and watched actress Ellen Page host SNL.
Sunday we all went out for a museum trip, but first I wanted to do a dry run to Newark airport, since I'd never driven there before and I don't want to get lost next weekend and miss my flight. I was horrified to find out how much it costs to park a car at the airport, even for long-term parking! Now I'm trying to figure out what my transportation alternatives are for next Saturday.
We got to the Met museum around 1 pm and spent the rest of the afternoon looking at the special exhibits by Poussin, Corbet, and Jasper Johns, plus revisiting our old friends in the European and Modern wings. Plus we also saw a wonderful fashion exhibit called blog.mode: addressing fashion that featured work from well-known designers like Christian Dior, Coco Chanel and Donna Karan.
I dropped the girls off at their house afterwards so they would take care of some errands while I did my workout, showered and started cooking dinner. Then a couple hours later we were back at my place eating dinner (without the stove fire, thankfully) and watching Episode II: Attack of the Clones. We had such a good time dissecting George Lucas' screenwriting shortcomings when it comes to writing love scenes, and there was many a groan and chuckle during the movie when Anakin or Padme would say some saccharine cliche that sounded like it was lifted from a trashy romance novel. There's probably a drinking game based around that aspect of the movie.
I also got a call from my apartment manager, and apparently she's interested in buying back the living room set that I'm trying to sell so I can get a new one. She's probably looked at it already today, but I haven't heard back. Hopefully I can sell it quickly and find something more suitable for me.
So why was it such a nice weekend? Because I got to spend so much quality time with my family, and it reminded me of the magical time last summer when we became a real poly family (i.e. without secrets or hiding). Perhaps this weekend is something we can build upon - only time will tell.
Friday night after work I took a train to Macy's in Herald Square on 34th Street and Broadway to buy a Philips DVD Micro Theater Audio System from J&R Express in the basement. It's on sale for $99 ($150 off the regular price) so I wanted to replace the piecemeal setup I had in my bedroom. The only inconvenience was carrying the heavy box from the store two blocks to Penn Station and getting it on the train home. But I set it up and it sounds/looks great.
Saturday I ran my usual errands and went to my local Macy's in New Jersey to return a black charmeuse blouse I'd bought the week before because it's too small. I actually found the right size in red, but even though I thought it was very pretty, red is not a color I can wear too often. It looks good on me, but it's so bright that it looked like I was going to a holiday party. As much as I deride black sometimes, it is a very versatile color for both work and play. Perhaps it is that absence of color that keeps us from ascribing inappropriate or inaccurate meanings to the clothes we wear. I would have liked to find the same blouse in silver grey. And I did actually find some Alfani tops on the 80% off rack that were lovely - one was a turquoise silk top and the other was a metallic turtleneck top, both under $15, and then another top in deep purple that's a 3/4 length sleeve knit top with criss-cross fabric at the bust. And, to top it off, I found my clutch in a navy satin that goes with the skirt I'm wearing for the wedding on Saturday, so it was a very productive shopping trip.
Saturday night we had our usual family dinner and a movie night when we started a Star Wars trilogy with Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. I accidentally left the stove on and burned up a pot of my fried rice, which meant we had to air things out for a bit before starting the movie. Luckily, the smell didn't linger and no real damage was done. Bee started nodding off halfway through the movie, so she fell asleep on my bed while Tara, Bug and I finished the movie and watched actress Ellen Page host SNL.
Sunday we all went out for a museum trip, but first I wanted to do a dry run to Newark airport, since I'd never driven there before and I don't want to get lost next weekend and miss my flight. I was horrified to find out how much it costs to park a car at the airport, even for long-term parking! Now I'm trying to figure out what my transportation alternatives are for next Saturday.
We got to the Met museum around 1 pm and spent the rest of the afternoon looking at the special exhibits by Poussin, Corbet, and Jasper Johns, plus revisiting our old friends in the European and Modern wings. Plus we also saw a wonderful fashion exhibit called blog.mode: addressing fashion that featured work from well-known designers like Christian Dior, Coco Chanel and Donna Karan.
I dropped the girls off at their house afterwards so they would take care of some errands while I did my workout, showered and started cooking dinner. Then a couple hours later we were back at my place eating dinner (without the stove fire, thankfully) and watching Episode II: Attack of the Clones. We had such a good time dissecting George Lucas' screenwriting shortcomings when it comes to writing love scenes, and there was many a groan and chuckle during the movie when Anakin or Padme would say some saccharine cliche that sounded like it was lifted from a trashy romance novel. There's probably a drinking game based around that aspect of the movie.
I also got a call from my apartment manager, and apparently she's interested in buying back the living room set that I'm trying to sell so I can get a new one. She's probably looked at it already today, but I haven't heard back. Hopefully I can sell it quickly and find something more suitable for me.
So why was it such a nice weekend? Because I got to spend so much quality time with my family, and it reminded me of the magical time last summer when we became a real poly family (i.e. without secrets or hiding). Perhaps this weekend is something we can build upon - only time will tell.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Give a massage today!
I'm feeling pretty lethargic from our monthly staff lunch today, in lieu of our weekly bagel Fridays. We had crispy tacos catered in, and I think I exceeded my limit slightly (I ate three). New York actually makes great guacamole, but you'll have a hard time finding a jalapeno pepper around here, outside of Bobby Flay's restaurants. Still, it was a nice reminder of the good Tex-Mex I miss from Houston.
I am massively disappointed that my neighbor has slapped a security code on their wi-fi, which means I can't mooch off them anymore and now I have to pay for the service to be installed. This happened to Agnieszka too recently. I suppose it's a sign of all the distrust and suspicion in the world today that you can't leave your Internet access free to the public anymore.
A couple months ago I was giving Bee a back massage using her favorite lavender oil I got for her at The Body Shop, and I noticed some moles on her back that I hadn't seen before. I told her she should see a dermotologist, so she made an appointment. The ones on her back were fine, but they checked out the rest of her and found one on her hip that just came back as potential trouble.
So here's what I want everyone to do - go to your loved ones and offer them a back massage. It doesn't have to be an erotic or sensual massage, just the experience of touch and a quick check for any suspicious looking moles. While you're checking their back, ask them to check themselves the next time they bathe. It's a nice way to express your love for someone - the instant gratification of a massage, plus the long-term health benefit of checking for skin cancer. And if your situation allows, go ahead and check them for breast cancer too :P
I've been thinking a lot about love, and the future, and my family situation. Tara and I had a long talk about it last night before watching The Thomas Crown Affair (which we discovered that they filmed most of the museum scenes in the New York Public Library where we saw the Jack Kerouac exhibit). While it is true that I try to live in the present as much as possible, I also want many things in this life that require some planning - to buy a house, to travel overseas, to build a polyamorous family - or they will never happen on their own.
Of course love cannot be planned, so part of this means figuring out what my family and I want to do with the love we have - how we are going to express it, what it means to each of us, what we're willing to do to nurture it, and what we want it to grow into. These are questions that are pretty simple for a conventional couple - fall in love, get married, live together, start a family, live happily ever after. For my family, there are a lot more options on what to do that we all have to figure out without the aid of fairy tales and archetypes to guide us. And while the path we take may not be the shortest or most well-trodden one, I'm hoping that we'll all still end up in the land of happily ever after.
I am massively disappointed that my neighbor has slapped a security code on their wi-fi, which means I can't mooch off them anymore and now I have to pay for the service to be installed. This happened to Agnieszka too recently. I suppose it's a sign of all the distrust and suspicion in the world today that you can't leave your Internet access free to the public anymore.
A couple months ago I was giving Bee a back massage using her favorite lavender oil I got for her at The Body Shop, and I noticed some moles on her back that I hadn't seen before. I told her she should see a dermotologist, so she made an appointment. The ones on her back were fine, but they checked out the rest of her and found one on her hip that just came back as potential trouble.
So here's what I want everyone to do - go to your loved ones and offer them a back massage. It doesn't have to be an erotic or sensual massage, just the experience of touch and a quick check for any suspicious looking moles. While you're checking their back, ask them to check themselves the next time they bathe. It's a nice way to express your love for someone - the instant gratification of a massage, plus the long-term health benefit of checking for skin cancer. And if your situation allows, go ahead and check them for breast cancer too :P
I've been thinking a lot about love, and the future, and my family situation. Tara and I had a long talk about it last night before watching The Thomas Crown Affair (which we discovered that they filmed most of the museum scenes in the New York Public Library where we saw the Jack Kerouac exhibit). While it is true that I try to live in the present as much as possible, I also want many things in this life that require some planning - to buy a house, to travel overseas, to build a polyamorous family - or they will never happen on their own.
Of course love cannot be planned, so part of this means figuring out what my family and I want to do with the love we have - how we are going to express it, what it means to each of us, what we're willing to do to nurture it, and what we want it to grow into. These are questions that are pretty simple for a conventional couple - fall in love, get married, live together, start a family, live happily ever after. For my family, there are a lot more options on what to do that we all have to figure out without the aid of fairy tales and archetypes to guide us. And while the path we take may not be the shortest or most well-trodden one, I'm hoping that we'll all still end up in the land of happily ever after.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
ENDA vote postponed
Here's the latest on ENDA (H.R. 3685), which is being delayed for a week:
House leaders delay ENDA vote
Bush advisers recommend veto of bill
http://washingtonblade.com/thelatest/thelatest.cfm?blog_id=14896
Last night was an up-and-down drama-fest with Tara, which I'm not thrilled about. It started out pretty good - we went our local bookstore so I could return my damaged copy of Neil Gaiman's Absolute Sandman Vol. 2 (I found a pristine copy at the bookstore near my office in the city) and we browsed around for a while and I was enjoying myself. Then a simple question about our plans for the upcoming holidays led to some major unpleasantness. Love can be difficult sometimes - it's not always sunshine and flowers, but it's always worth it.
Karina called me this morning - she's been having a difficult time with her teeth. Her dentist performed a root canal, which got infected, causing her a great deal of pain this weekend. Her dentist was unsympathetic, insisting there should not be any reason for her pain. She eventually got to see another dentist who discovered the infection and is treating it now. As much as I bitch and moan about my dental trials (I had five root canals in two months last year), at least my dentist wasn't so incompetent as hers. Infections scare me - I've been reading about the antibiotic-resistant staph infections that are going around in New York schools, and it's making me think about The Hot Zone.
Blessedly, it's extra quiet in the office today, since my big boss is still traveling, and my next-in-line boss is working from home, so I'm the highest ranking person in my group that's actually here today. The rain is starting to fall outside, and the temperatures are dropping, and my allergies are improving. I hope this cold weather sticks.
I'm looking forward to this weekend already - I have a MOMA visit planned for Friday night, then a spa date with Bee on Saturday night. Plus on Saturday I might go for a test drive at the Mini dealer. Sunday if the weather holds, maybe we'll try our city adventure we had planned last week again.
House leaders delay ENDA vote
Bush advisers recommend veto of bill
http://washingtonblade.com/thelatest/thelatest.cfm?blog_id=14896
Last night was an up-and-down drama-fest with Tara, which I'm not thrilled about. It started out pretty good - we went our local bookstore so I could return my damaged copy of Neil Gaiman's Absolute Sandman Vol. 2 (I found a pristine copy at the bookstore near my office in the city) and we browsed around for a while and I was enjoying myself. Then a simple question about our plans for the upcoming holidays led to some major unpleasantness. Love can be difficult sometimes - it's not always sunshine and flowers, but it's always worth it.
Karina called me this morning - she's been having a difficult time with her teeth. Her dentist performed a root canal, which got infected, causing her a great deal of pain this weekend. Her dentist was unsympathetic, insisting there should not be any reason for her pain. She eventually got to see another dentist who discovered the infection and is treating it now. As much as I bitch and moan about my dental trials (I had five root canals in two months last year), at least my dentist wasn't so incompetent as hers. Infections scare me - I've been reading about the antibiotic-resistant staph infections that are going around in New York schools, and it's making me think about The Hot Zone.
Blessedly, it's extra quiet in the office today, since my big boss is still traveling, and my next-in-line boss is working from home, so I'm the highest ranking person in my group that's actually here today. The rain is starting to fall outside, and the temperatures are dropping, and my allergies are improving. I hope this cold weather sticks.
I'm looking forward to this weekend already - I have a MOMA visit planned for Friday night, then a spa date with Bee on Saturday night. Plus on Saturday I might go for a test drive at the Mini dealer. Sunday if the weather holds, maybe we'll try our city adventure we had planned last week again.
Monday, October 15, 2007
P-Tree and the Hall of Fame
This weekend was a celebration of one of the happiest events of my life so far - meeting the three people I call my family here in New Jersey on October 14, 2005. On that date two years ago, I got on a plane from Houston (a midday flight because I overslept and missed my morning flight) and after many delays due to weather and air traffic congestion, I arrived at New York La Guardia airport and took a shuttle bus to Grand Central Station, then hopped in a cab to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
It was about 30 minutes before closing time when I pulled up on Fifth Avenue in front of the museum, where I met Bee and gave her a quick hug before going in and meeting Tara in our special place (that is currently closed for remodeling - ugh). We got kicked out of the museum shortly after and drove home to pick up Bug and have dinner at our local diner. So every Oct. 14 we celebrate the anniversary of our first meeting in person at the Met.
Saturday Tara and I went back to that great museum in the afternooon and spent some time checking out a new African exhibit and a photography exhibit before walking across Central Park to grab a bite to eat.
We sampled hot dogs at Gray's Papaya and it turned out to indeed be a nearly-exact clone of our beloved Papaya King. I got a Subway sandwich and Tara had her daily allowance of saturated fat at McDonald's before walking over to the Beacon Theater to see the Porcupine Tree concert. We each bought copies of their new EP album Nil Recurring, which is only available at concerts and from their Web site. Unlike the last concert at the Nokia Theater in May we attended with Bee, we actually got to sit down in seats, although we had a couple of tall people sitting in front of us and again, we had to put up with clouds of smoke from potheads. The show was terrific, and the lightshow was even better than the last concert. 
After the concert we went to a nearby Haagen-Daas for ice cream (yes, I took a night off the diet) and hopped a cab back to the Met. It was nearly midnight, and the deserted area was lit with preturnaturally soft lighting that captured the moment perfectly. We took some pictures and found a new spot to celebrate our anniversary, one that couldn't be closed for remodeling!
Sunday, the 14th, I honored the anniversary by repeating the mistake of oversleeping, but to much less deleterious effect. We were taking a day trip out to Cooperstown, New York, to visit major league baseball's Hall of Fame, so leaving about a half-hour later than expected wasn't too much of an inconvenience. We drove north and saw some impressive views of the fall foliage covering the Catskills region, plus some herds of very cute Holstein cows.
Upon arriving we sat in the bleachers of Doubleday field and watched two local baseball teams warm up before having lunch at T.J.'s Cafe. After eating, we sat and watched an inning of the game, seeing a no-hitter broken up in the third inning and a couple of errors in the field. It reminded me of the movie Field of Dreams, which coincidentally I was watching late Saturday night after the P-Tree concert.
We left the game and walked up the historic main street a few blocks to the hall of fame, where baseball's greatest players are enshrined and the history of the game is preserved for future generations. My family comes here a few times a year on average, but it was my first ever visit. Perhaps we will come back for Craig Biggio's induction ceremony in a few years.
After a quick tour of the hall, we walked out to Otsego Lake and took pictures of the magnificent mountain vistas surrounding the area. Words probably aren't necessary when we have such pictures to look at, so I'll just close by saying - Happy Anniversary Bee, Bug and Tara. <3
Friday, September 28, 2007
Happy Birthday to da Bug!
It's been a quiet week at work, which has been pleasant. I was out on Tuesday celebrating Bug's birthday (more on that later) and Wednesday my boss left for Saudi Arabia for 10 days. Plus, we lost the ethanol pitch, so quite frankly I've got a lot of free time on my hands right now until other stuff fills the void. Which is all good because I've been dealing with some personal issues this week.
So Tuesday we started the day at home with our traditional overwhelming pile of presents. Bee and Tara wrapped theirs in blue and silver, to coordinate with Bug's blue-streaked hair. I opted for traditional French provincial wrapping paper I got from the Met when we visited the Rembrandt exhibit last week, so the pile looked a little uncoordinated, but my creative piling method helped to restore some order to the chaos.
After opening all the presents, we drove to Palisades Center and followed Bug as she led us around to every store in the mall. We stopped at Jo-Ann's for a good while since Bug is a visual artist who works in textiles on occasion. She also got a cool Alienware PS2 controller in electric blue at a game shop, while I picked up some cheap used copies of Batman Returns, The Curse of the Golden Flower and The Brothers Grimm (a recent Terry Gilliam film). Of course we had to fight through the hordes of Halo 3 fans to check out, since it was launch day for that game.
We had a bite to eat at the food court (which was possibly the worst bowl of chili I've ever had in my life) and then went to Dave & Busters to play video games. We had dinner at a place called Cheeburger Cheeburger, which has some of the best burgers anywhere, I have to say, although I'm not really a burger aficionado. We ate way too much, then went home to digest and watch the end of the Yankees game.
After the game we had our Carvel ice cream in the shape of a whale (we call him Fudgie the Whale). Bee had the very cool idea of decorating the wall with blue and while ballons (again, to coordinate with Bug's hair, not because we're Jewish or Greek) and spell out Bug's age in binary code. Funnily enough, with the flowery wallpaper in the background, it looks a lot like the huge pile of presents she had opened that morning. Props to those who can decipher her age from this picture - you get the geek gold star award!
So Tuesday we started the day at home with our traditional overwhelming pile of presents. Bee and Tara wrapped theirs in blue and silver, to coordinate with Bug's blue-streaked hair. I opted for traditional French provincial wrapping paper I got from the Met when we visited the Rembrandt exhibit last week, so the pile looked a little uncoordinated, but my creative piling method helped to restore some order to the chaos.
After opening all the presents, we drove to Palisades Center and followed Bug as she led us around to every store in the mall. We stopped at Jo-Ann's for a good while since Bug is a visual artist who works in textiles on occasion. She also got a cool Alienware PS2 controller in electric blue at a game shop, while I picked up some cheap used copies of Batman Returns, The Curse of the Golden Flower and The Brothers Grimm (a recent Terry Gilliam film). Of course we had to fight through the hordes of Halo 3 fans to check out, since it was launch day for that game.
We had a bite to eat at the food court (which was possibly the worst bowl of chili I've ever had in my life) and then went to Dave & Busters to play video games. We had dinner at a place called Cheeburger Cheeburger, which has some of the best burgers anywhere, I have to say, although I'm not really a burger aficionado. We ate way too much, then went home to digest and watch the end of the Yankees game.
After the game we had our Carvel ice cream in the shape of a whale (we call him Fudgie the Whale). Bee had the very cool idea of decorating the wall with blue and while ballons (again, to coordinate with Bug's hair, not because we're Jewish or Greek) and spell out Bug's age in binary code. Funnily enough, with the flowery wallpaper in the background, it looks a lot like the huge pile of presents she had opened that morning. Props to those who can decipher her age from this picture - you get the geek gold star award!
