Family update

I've been thinking a lot about my family dynamic and how it's different from what I'm used to. I talked about it briefly with Tara on the way home from our celebratory dinner at Harold's Famous Deli last night - celebrating my second anniversary of arriving in New Jersey. Harold's is where we went to celebrate the night I arrived - it's where we go any time there's something to celebrate. This is the first time I've ever been there without everyone in attendance, but Bee and Bug had their own anniversary to celebrate last night, which is fine. It was nice to have some date time with Tara anyway, even though we were both not feeling our best.

Perhaps it was this first visit to Harold's without everyone in attendance that got me thinking about this topic. It's a little difficult to explain here what the subject of my thoughts are about my family dynamic, so I'm not going to go into too much detail.

Basically, I have an idea of being in a poly family where everyone is interconnected with each other, and therefore, can all talk as a group about relationships as well as practical household matters. And really, up until a few weeks ago, I thought it possible that my family could be like that someday, but lately, I've been having doubts that it will ever get to that point. That's not to say there's something "wrong" with my family's style of communication - it has worked for the three of them for 10 years before I got here. I'm just not sure it will work with me, a relative outsider, being thrown into the mix - especially in a poly context that never existed before but does now.

As I said in a previous post, I am trying to focus on the present and enjoy what I have right now. I've come to recognize the futility of trying to direct and plan change when it comes to relationships. Last year, I saw the destructive effects of putting too much effort into making a relationship work that didn't evolve organically. So this year, I'm purposely being aware of not forcing myself or anyone else to put effort into creating relationships that aren't really that important to them, which is probably the most sensible thing to do.

However, what I find is that like the second law of thermodynamics when you don't put energy into a system (i.e. a relationship) eventually you get entropy. So even though my relationship with Tara is fine because we both put in the effort to sustain it, my relationships with Bug and especially Buffy are cordial, but mostly superficial. A big part of the reason for this from my viewpoint is that we are not able to talk about real things, like I do with my friends Lori and Agnieszka when I have time to see them. Bug is better with this than Buffy right now, but we just don't spend very much time with just the two of us (like, one night a month at most). And on the rare occasions that Buffy and I spend alone time together (as we did last week at the spa), we really don't talk about personal things. I think it's because we're just not comfortable enough with each other to do so, although I really don't know why that is with all we've been through together.

I find it somewhat discouraging to know two such wonderful people as Bee and Bug are, and to have had such lovely times together in the past and yet find that we are slowly drifting apart such that I feel more comfortable spending time with either of my aforementioned close girl friends than with either of them one on one. That's not to say we don't have wonderful times together as a group with Tara, because we do.

On the other hand, if that is the way it's supposed to be, then I will just accept that we will never be the poly family that I originally hoped to be back in January. Maybe we'll be something else, but whatever happens, I'll accept that it will be the right outcome for everyone concerned. I'm not saying my original idea can't happen - Tara pointed out last night that time is not an issue, and if it happens, it could happen quickly. I'm just saying it's not happening now and maybe we're all meant for something else.

Only time will tell.

Beltane

Today is May 1, Beltane to pagans and witches, and the second anniversary of my arrival in New Jersey.

Looking back on that exodus from Houston in 2006, it's probably one of the bravest things I've ever done - to pack up everything in my minivan (and separately in a moving van) and drive halfway across the country by myself to live in a new town where I only knew three people and didn't have an apartment or a job. Of course everything worked out for the best, but it was definitely the biggest risk I'd ever taken in my life in terms of jumping without a parachute. And wouldn't you know, it has also probably been one of the most rewarding things I've ever done as well.

I was going to write more, but work intercedes. Happy Beltane everybody!

The English Patient

Yesterday on the train I finally finished reading The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje. As anyone who's read my profile, this is one of my favorite movies, and I picked up a used copy of the book late last year and I've been reading it off and on since then. It's a very dense, poetic book, much like Mark Helprin's A Winter's Tale (which I still haven't finished, so I guess that will have to wait another year). There are wonderful turns of phrase and stories contained in the book, such as Katharine's final wishes in the Cave of Swimmers, which stick out in my mind. But it's also a little difficult to follow because it jumps around in time and place a lot. If you know the movie as well as I do, it helps to keep you grounded on what's happening.

What is amazing about reading this book is how anyone could take it and turn it into any kind of coherent movie, let alone one that collected nine Oscars. That was quite a feat of screenwriting, yet surprisingly it didn't win for that category, although screenwriter/director Anthony Minghella won for Best Director. Frankly, I don't think I would have enjoyed the book as much if I didn't already love the movie.

In other news, I got my first jury summons last weekend, so I might be serving jury duty in early June. Not something I'm particularly looking forward to, but I guess it beats going to work. I was also in a courtroom yesterday in downtown New York for a client on a very large civil case involving one of my well-known clients. And I have to say, the New York courtrooms are so much nicer than the ones I've been in in Texas. But I guess my Texas court experience has been limited to family and traffic courts, and not the courtrooms where the CEOs fight for billions of dollars.

I forgot to mention on Monday that I had another encounter with Leatherman on the train coming in to work. The exact same thing happened as last time - he requested the middle seat, and the other guy who was sitting on the outside got up and left the seat vacant, and Leatherman just kept sitting in the middle seat rather than sliding over. He's determined to sit next to me, it seems. From now on I'm sitting at the front of the car instead of the middle to throw him off. What I really don't like about him is that he sits with his arms locked and hands on his kneecaps, so his arms intrude on my space. In fact, if I weren't on my guard, his right elbow would be touching my left boob. I wish he'd put his arms on his lap or hold his briefcase like a normal person. And that he'd wear less strong cologne!

I went to a free seminar about investing in real estate that was to be given at the LGBT Center on Monday, but the presenter never showed up. I waited for 30 minutes and then gave up. As I've probably mentioned, I'm thinking about buying a house here in New Jersey next year when my lease runs out, so I need to get smart about the process. Last time I bought a house in Houston, I had a lot of people helping me, including an aunt who is a realtor. This time I'm going to be on my own, although I'd like my family in New Jersey to be involved.

Speaking of the family, Tara is feeling much better now, although still worn out from the ordeal she's had to endure this past week. We had dinner last night and watched The Shawshank Redemption, another of our favorite movies. She wasn't really feeling up for fooling around, but I kind of forced her into it because after a week without snuggles, I was feeling super-horny. So after the movie we had a quick roll in the hay before I had to send her home.

Last week I got word that one of my old co-workers from my Houston PR firm was now working for one of my clients down in Houston. He was actually in the office next to mine during the last few months I was working in Houston, and we were pretty good friends. We met for lunch after I left the company and he gave me some job-hunting advice over hot dogs. So I called him up to congratulate him on his new position and catch up with the news from the old firm. We promised that we'd visit next time we were in Houston or New York together. Unlike the last guy from Houston who knew me in my former life, he's not creepy in that stalker-ish way - he's just a nice, normal guy, and I can trust him to be discreet with whatever I choose to share with him about my new life.

The weather is slowly warming up and spring is just around the corner. I'm rather itching to go outside and play some tennis, so if anyone wants to play, drop me a line. Once Tara feels better, I'm sure we'll start playing basketball again before it gets too hot. Plus, I am looking forward to all the great movies coming out this summer, starting with Iron Man this weekend!

An unexpected weekend

This weekend was Bee's birthday, so we had made plans to go camping at Assateague Island in Maryland over Saturday night. Pursuant to these weekend plans, we moved our regular Saturday night fun to Tuesday night, and Tara got Chinese food instead of cooking her usual hot dogs. That was a big mistake, because of all the bad luck, she contracted salmonellosis, probably from eating infected steamed chicken. So she was dreadfully ill starting Wednesday, but we held out hope for a miraculous recovery that would allow the camping trip to happen.

Friday I took off work so we could get our birthday celebrating in before the trip. In the morning I took Bee to a new spa and got her a facial, while I got a relaxing massage. We came back to have breakfast with the other girls and in the afternoon we went to see Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. Then we came home and watched baseball and cooked a special pasta dinner of spring ravioli, then opened a bunch of presents and had our ice cream cake. While we were having cake, we pretty much figured out that Tara's illness was not going to allow her to make the trip, so we decided to postpone it. It was pretty disappointing for everyone, and although on the one hand, it was nice to look forward to a quiet weekend, it also made me feel snakebit after what happened with Joanna's wedding last month.

I've been feeling a bit pensive this weekend relating to Tara's illness. As a secondary in a poly relationship, I am constantly trying to understand what my role is in the larger dynamic of our family. While Bee and I were out shopping for Tara's medicines, I thought about how my relationship has certain benefits and limitations that color the way I feel about it sometimes.

On the one hand, Bee is Tara's primary, so she naturally takes responsibility (with Bug's help) for taking care of her needs, like medicines, food and basic supplies. Since I'm a secondary (in role if not rank) I have no say in those matters since we don't share household budgets.

On the other hand, Tara and I are like two people who are in a long-term dating relationship (dating each other, that is) in that we have no real responsibility toward each other besides making each other happy. And generally speaking, we do a pretty good job at that.

So the question is - is it enough for me to be in a relationship with someone where we just have fun and share each other's lives at arm's length? Where we don't have to deal with one being sick and keeping the other awake at night? Where we aren't concerned about how much money to spend on books versus clothes?

I'm not sure.

Part of me likes being independent and making my own decisions about my household budget and what to do on a Saturday afternoon. Another part of me longs for a relationship where I can care for and nurture someone for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, for better or worse until death parts us. As long as I am a secondary, the latter scenario really isn't an option for me without some serious open-hearted talking, which nobody in my family seems to be ready for yet. And frankly, as a secondary, I don't deserve the kind of relationship I'm talking about because I'm not willing to give of myself as completely as Bee gives to Tara. In that respect, I feel rather inadequate compared to Bee's love for Tara, but I try not to let it bother me since I recognize that I'm a secondary and it's not my place to be a primary in this relationship.

But germane to the point, I am simultaneously wanting and apprehensive of being a primary. If it's going to happen, whether with Tara or with someone else, it's not going to be anytime soon. Maybe someday I'll figure out what kind of relationship will work for me long-term, and how to achieve it. In the meantime, being happy with Tara is enough for me.

Shopping while naked

Sunday was quite productive for me in a lot of ways. I went over to my family's house in the morning for a quick visit, which turned into a bit of a heavy talk with Tara, but fortunately didn't last too long.

Then I went to my local Loehmann's which is closing the store and liquidating everything, so everything was at least 20% off, and 30% for clearance and reduced items. The big find was a white spring trenchcoat by DKNY, which I've been searching for since the weather is getting too warm for my wool coats. I also bought some scarves, a pair of Cosabella pj pants, a stretch lace tank and thong by Hanky Panky and some earrings. Unfortunately, I found it very difficult to shop for actual clothes because they had removed all the size tags from all the hangers, so that made it difficult to tell at a glance where my size was located in any particular rack. Plus, I couldn't find a shopping basket, so it got tiring having to carry stuff around in my arms. Also, while it wasn't terribly crowded, I wasn't really in the mood to try on clothes that day.

I had an encounter at Loehmann's too. An older woman and I were shopping in the scarf area, and she blurted out, "You know, you just don't see too many Asian women your height." Normally, this kind of comment really chaps my hide, because it's usually thrown at me from some male passerby who thinks this is some form of flattery ("Wow, you're tall!" is what I usually get). For the record, I'm 5'11" in bare feet. So I said to her, "Yeah, I'm one of a kind." She then proceeded to tell me about her son and his girlfriend and their heights, to which I nodded and kept on shopping. As she turned to go, she said, "Oh, and you're gorgeous, by the way!" I thanked her and she moved on. Memo to all the would-be suitors: I'd much rather be called gorgeous than tall.

Loehmann's is an interesting place because they are one of the few stores that have open dressing rooms. I've heard that sample sales in New York are the same way - basically there are no private dressing rooms and you just have to grin and bare it in public if you want to try something on. At Loehmann's they typically have a large mirrored room for the ladies to try on stuff, with private stalls for those who want to wait for them. When I went to the store on Broadway last week with my friend Lori, there were several women in the communal dressing area trying on clothes while stripped down to their bras and thongs. Fortunately I remembered to wear decent underwear so I could do the same (although I wasn't wearing a thong that day).

Seeing strangers naked or unclothed makes me feel kind of ookie. Which is strange, since I really don't have a problem with my own nudity (although I'm certainly not as comfortable about it as my friend Agnieszka), despite the fact that it wasn't a common sight in my house growing up. I can remember exactly one time seeing my mom naked, and once or twice seeing my father's genitals (and one of those was in the hospital when he had hernia surgery). My older brother and I weren't that shy around each other, though. Of course I've had my issues in the past with my body image, but nowadays I fully embrace the idea that nudity is natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

Anyway, back to Sunday. After Loehmann's I went to Costco and bought some groceries and a sleeping back for our camping trip this upcoming weekend. I went home to unload everything, and did some laundry and handwashing of my new purchases and some of my bras. Watched the Rockets get beat by the Utah Jazz in the first game of the NBA playoffs and ripped some of the programs off my DVR to DVD-R. I also cooked up a huge pot of fried rice and made some General Tso's chicken from Costco to go with it for dinner.

Afterwards, I was feeling some acute loneliness, so despite an uncomfortable phone call with Tara just prior to leaving, I went over to my family's house, planning to sit and read my book in their living room and just be quiet with them. Tara dragged me upstairs to her studio and we talked through some of the lingering issues that have fallen out of this past week's drama until about 1:30 a.m. It was a lot longer than I had planned on staying, but I'm glad that we finally got some unspoken things out that had threatened to fester.

I will also put in plug for a new book on polyamory that appeared on my email list service today. You can read more about it here: http://www.polyamoryhandbook.com/

A date at the museum

I had a lovely date with Tara today, but first, an update on the softball game from last night.

First off, we played on the Great Lawn in Central Park, which is always a treat. They are some of the best fields in Manhattan, plus the views of the city around us are breathtaking, especially as the sun sets and the buildings light up. We scored six runs in the first inning, and one more the whole rest of the game, and held off the other team to win by two. At the plate, I'm still looking for my first hit of the year, but I had a sacrifice fly my first time up, and the second time, with a man on third, I hit a come-backer to the pitcher and ran to first, thinking for sure I was going to be thrown out. But instead, the pitcher saw the runner break from third and tried to throw him out and they fumbled the ball, allowing him to score and leaving me safe on first. So depending on if you score that a fielder's choice or an error, I think I got another run batted in (RBI), giving me two on the night, and the margin of victory. So at least I'm contributing.

Today I woke up early after a fitful night's sleep and picked up Tara to go to breakfast at our favorite diner. As you probably know, the Pope is in town and was at St. Patrick's Cathedral giving mass on TV while we ate. We were a little concerned that this might interfere with our plans to visit the Met, but since the church is so far from the museum (both on Fifth Avenue), we figured we'd avoid the Pope show altogether.

However, when we got close to the Met, we saw a sign that said Fifth Avenue was closed from 86th all the way to 42nd, which is before the Met. We went down Park and tried to get in at 81st Street, and there was a NYPD traffic van two cars ahead of us. As we crossed Madison, the van pulled over, and were likely closing 81st behind us to prepare for closing 5th Avenue for when the Pope left St. Patrick's, so we barely made it to the museum garage in time before we would have been shut out.

At the Met we walked all the major galleries and some of the special exhibits that are getting ready to leave next month. Here's a picture of me in my colorful spring outfit at the Temple of Dendur in the Egyptian wing:





From the Met we went to Hiram's Hot Dog stand in Fort Lee, NJ for lunch, and then stopped at the Papa Beard's bakery to pick up some chocolate cream puffs. Then we stopped by National Wholesale Liquidators, where I bought a gigantic can of stuffed grape leaves, and some flatbread for myself and Bug. Since it was getting late, and we were both suffering from gallery fatigue and food lethargy, I took Tara home and went to the Chinese grocery store for some tofu and baby bok choy to make for dinner. I got home and promptly crashed for a couple hours until everyone came over for Saturday night dinner.

All in all, today I think Tara and I finally got back to being ourselves again. Time, love and beauty can cure most ills in this world. And while I recognize the value of putting troubled times behind us, I also believe in the value of having some record of how we got where we are, and learning what lessons we can from that history. As the saying goes, those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and I don't want a repeat of the negative parts of this past week.

100th post - week in review

Just a short post today, since it's Friday and I haven't posted all week, practically. And yes, as you can see, this is the 100th post on this blog, which is a nice milestone.

Tara and I have had a rough week together following Monday's date, but we are working our way through it. I wouldn't want to say that these incidents get easier over time, but each time they happen, at least we're learning more about how we deal with conflict and recover from it. No relationship is ever perfect, so even when things turn south, it's still an opportunity to learn something about the other person that will strengthen the relationship in the long run.

Wednesday I went to my regular PolyNYC meeting, where we had a speaker talk about building satisfying sexual relationships. Unfortunately, there were so many people there, and many of them were first-timers or just poly-curious, so it ended up being a Poly 101 question-and-answer session, which I didn't really have the patience for, so I left to catch an earlier train home. On the one hand, I'm glad that more people are expressing an interest in poly, but on the other hand, I wish the presenter (an alternative lifestyle attorney who is very pretty and a good speaker) had stuck to a script and not let the presentation become dominated with opinion after opinion.

Thursday Tara and I spent a quiet evening together while Bee was visiting her parents for her birthday, which is coming up next week. We went to Burger King and came back to my place to watch the Yankees-Red Sox game. Hopefully it was enough to be peaceful and grounded so that we can get back to being our usual affectionate selves.

And today I have a softball game in Central Park that I need to get dressed for because we're leaving the office in 15 minutes. Wish me luck - maybe I'll get a hit today.

A Beautiful Mind

Monday night is date night for me and Tara, as it's usually the night that Bee has her yoga class, and Bug has the house to herself to do computer maintenance. Yes, there are actually people in the world who enjoy keeping our computers running - nature loves diversity, remember? You go, Bug!

So last night I took Tara to Amazing Hot Dog near home and we had dinner while watching a bit of the Yankees game against Tampa. I got the Oriental dog (of course) and the Phoenix dog, while Tara got two Jersey Breakfast dogs. The interesting thing about these hot dogs is that they wrap them with bacon and then deep-fry them. Plus, all the toppings reminds me of Pink's in Hollywood, which I had the opportunity to visit about four years ago. They don't call me the queen of condiments for nothing!

After dinner, we went back to my apartment to watch A Beautiful Mind, one of my all-time favorite movies that Tara hasn't seen before. It won four Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Director (Ron Howard) and Best Supporting Actress (Jennifer Connelly). The last award I felt was richly deserved (albeit it should have been the Best Actress award, not Best Supporting), not only for Ms. Connelly's performance, but because this is one of the few modern movies that celebrates the female spirit.

Not to give too much away for those of you who have not seen the movie, but while the story is ostensibly about Professor John Nash and his achievements, the real driving force behind all his accomplishments was the heart lesson he learns from Alicia, his wife. She teaches Nash that it is the heart, not the head, that holds the secret to the truths we are all seeking. Without Alicia, John Nash might have still been a brilliant scholar and mathematician, but he would not have lived a life worthy of such admiration. When I speak about the female spirit, I mean that the true achievement in the movie is not really the mathematical or mental struggles that are overcome, but the triumph of the heart over the head, of love over logic, that moves the viewer.

Fried tofu

It's a slow day at work, so there's time to blog. I had just the restful weekend that I needed, and feel much more refreshed this week. Hopefully that will sustain me until Friday.

Saturday I went shopping at Burlington Coat Factory for a raincoat, but didn't have any luck finding one I liked. I did buy a couple cute casual tops - they always have bargains there for cheap stuff. I also ran my usual errands, which included a trip to the Chinese grocery store because Bug requested something different than my usual vegetable dumplings for Saturday night dinner, so I bought some tofu and hot chili bean paste to do some experimental cooking. I picked up Tara in the late afternoon and brought her to my place for some afternoon cuddling, then brought her home so she could take care of her errands and I could finish cleaning up my apartment for family night.

Now, for the past few months we've been having family night on Saturdays at my place, and I've gotten things down pretty much like clockwork when it comes to cooking dinner (I make fried vegetable dumplings, white and fried rice for Bee and Bug, Tara makes hot dogs, and I usually make something quick and easy for myself, like ramen, Mediterranean dips or some kind of frozen food). But Bug's request for something different kind of threw a monkey wrench in the timing of the whole works, so everything kind of got done at different times. Luckily it wasn't off by too much though.

I had read an article in the New York Times food section this week about frying tofu and that inspired me to try to fry tofu for the first time. Of course since both Bee and Bug are vegetarians, I couldn't follow the recipe in the paper, but I remembered a fried tofu dish in my youth that consisted of hot bean paste and sauteed green onions. I fried up the tofu with canola oil and the bean paste mixed together, and added the onions at the end, cut into long pieces. I think it turned out rather well for a first attempt - Bug finished it, but it was a little too spicy for her palette. But it was fun trying something new in the kitchen and not having it turn into a disaster.

Sunday I woke up with a headache and feeling very lethargic, so I stayed home all day watching episodes of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles off my DVR and copying them to DVD. Lethargy slowly turned to melancholy, but I managed to pull myself together enough to go with my family to see the new IMAX film, Shine a Light starring the Rolling Stones and directed by Martin Scorsese. Going to the movies is always fun for me, even if it's a subject that I'm not that interested in. I've never been a fan of the Rolling Stones, and probably never will be. What was interesting was that the concert was filmed at the Beacon Theater in New York, where Tara and I saw Porcupine Tree a few months ago on our anniversary. Maybe they will do an IMAX concert of them someday when they get more famous.

Anyway, all in all, it was a restful and enjoyable weekend, and just what I needed to rebound from last week. I hope everyone had a nice weekend too.

So sleepy...

I am tired. It's been a long week, especially since I didn't have a proper restful weekend, with my trip to Philly. Plus, this week has been so busy with the softball game on Monday, the poly meeting on Tuesday, and doctor's appointment after work on Wednesday for my allergy shots, then I hit the gym after that.

Tara came over last night feeling frisky (we hadn't seen each other since Monday) and she managed to get me excited enough to play with her, but I promptly fell asleep afterwards, and she had to let herself out to go home. I'm sure we both feel a little awkward about that, but seriously, I was having trouble keeping my eyes open even when she was kissing me. But I certainly didn't want to turn her away, and frankly, the best part of the night for me was falling asleep in her arms, my head on her shoulder, hearing her whispered endearments in my ear as I dozed.

Having an intimate relationship isn't just about rubbing slippery body parts together - it's the love and mutual understanding behind the expression that makes the activity worthwhile. Best not to be so focused on the goal that the reason for getting there is lost, right? I'm trying to learn how to let go of "making progress" in my relationships and just let things come when the time is right.

Not much else to say right now, other than I'm planning to spend a lot of time in bed this weekend, hopefully not all of it alone. :)

Molested - again!

This day is not starting off very well. Last night after my women's poly group (which was great, very nice people) Tara and I had one of those difficult talks about the future, which is always a tricky topic for us. We weren't fighting or arguing - we were just talking. She always tells me that by living one day at a time, the future will be here before you know it. John Lennon once sang, "life is what happens when you're making other plans." I do really try to live in the moment, but when the moment is unsatisfying, it's hard not to dream of better things.

Maybe I need to watch Rent again. I might do that tonight.

So I ran into the molester on the train again this morning, who I'll call "Leatherman" from now on, since he wears a leather jacket, which I don't like touching me (see previous post "Molested on the train" - March 5, 2008). The cars on my train all have rows of two-seat benches and three-seat benches. I always sit in the three-seat benches on the inside, because I'm one of the first people to board so I have my pick of seats. As the train fills up, someone will eventually sit on the far inside seat of my bench, leaving the middle seat open. On especially busy days, someone will request the middle seat, and the outside person will either stand up to let them in or slide over next to me and give them the outside seat. Generally, no one likes sitting in the middle seat, so those go last when the train is extremely crowded.

So I'm dozing with my sunglasses on as usual, and there's another man already sitting on my bench on the outside seat when Leatherman comes up and requests the middle seat. So the first guy stands up and lets Leatherman sit down next to me, but then instead of sitting back down, the first guy wanders off to find another seat, possibly because Leatherman is rather large and it's a tight squeeze for them to sit next to each other. So the outside seat is now open, but instead of sliding away from me and leaving the middle seat unoccupied (which most people would have done), Leatherman stays in the seat next to me and proceeds to take off his jacket and settle in, like we're a couple or something.

At the next stop, a woman does sit down and occupy the outside seat, so now the bench is full. But Leatherman is doing his expanding thing again and we are again bumping and lightly rubbing against each other from the movement of the train. I decided I'd had enough and sit up straight to minimize contact with him. His cologne is really strong too, which is irritating, but I'm wearing scent too, so I can't really complain (today it's Bvlgari Omnia Crystalline). The rest of the trip I just fidget to keep him at a distance as best I can - crossing my arms, playing with my iPod, and turning to look out the window.

So over the weekend I had a pleasant trip down to Philadelphia for my training program. Traveling by train is so much easier than by plane - no security checks, no boarding calls, no cramped seats, no safety briefings, no annoying air pressure changes or loud and bumpy takeoffs and landings, etc. etc. Prior to moving here in 2006, I'd never traveled by train before, so it's a relatively new experience for me.

The classes themselves were very stimulating, and it was very energetic being in a room of 60 accomplished professional women, most of whom have MBAs or other advanced degrees and have been high-level executives in the past. It made me think about the issue of sex-segregated education and how girls might benefit from being educated from an early age separate from boys. When I see what happens in women-only spaces when it comes to education, I feel that many times in co-ed situations women's voices get lost or drowned out by men, whether due to bias on behalf of the instructor or the general female tendency to defer to males, or other reasons. So it was quite illuminating just from the perspective that it's the first time I've ever attended a formal women-only event related to work.

Monday night I played my first softball game in a couple of years (I sat out last season because of my surgery) and didn't do that well - went 0-for-3 with an error at second base. However, I did catch one infield fly ball for a final out to stop a rally, which was about the only positive thing I did. We did win the game, 10-8. I also almost got hit by a thrown bat when I was playing catcher, and got hit in the leg with a hard-thrown low ball on a play at the plate that I failed to catch because my vision was impaired by the catcher's mask - luckily it was in my calf and didn't bruise, but it hurt a lot for the rest of the night.

Monday was also the first time I'd taken the tram to Roosevelt Island, which was a pretty neat experience, almost like flying over Manhattan and the East River. Usually that kind of experience has been confined to ski slopes.

Alright, back to work for me. Hope everyone is having a good day!

The importance of touch

Tara came over last night and we talked about what happened on Monday night. While I admit that my first instinct when there's trouble is to pull back, I'm trying to get her to have faith that I'm not going to make the same mistakes I did last year when I almost walked away from everything. I'm a lot stronger now - with my own identity, with what I want in life and with my love for her.

Plus, great sex cures a lot of relationship ills, something we didn't have last year; at least the sex wasn't that great for me because I was still recovering from my then-recent surgery. I could get all scientific about orgasms and the release of oxytocin, but suffice to say that physical intimacy is very important to me, probably more so than to most people.

I'm one of those people who communicates through touch. I love to cuddle, with platonic as well as romantic partners, and tend to give a lot of hugs. I love to give massages - again, both platonic and sensual - and touch in a variety of ways using my hands, feet, legs, arms, nose, lips, even my ears sometimes. I truly believe that people don't touch each other enough - again, because of all the societal boundaries and limits we've placed on ourselves. We're taught from the earliest ages to keep our hands to ourselves, not touch other people, or even ourselves in certain ways, and we've lost that ability to share through touch (unless you're visually impaired). These days, everyone interprets touching a sexual advance, but that's like saying every greeting is a come-on. We've limited touching to a handshake or a quick hug, and made all other touching associated with sex. It's one of my issues in being non-conformist that I'm trying to cultivate a healthy attitude toward communication through touch.

What's interesting is that my birth family was a stereotypically reserved Asian family that rarely touched each other with affection (although I learned the art of massage from a very early age because my mom has chronically sore shoulders). We would never hug or kiss each other, and in fact, I probably haven't seen my parents embrace each other more than 10 times in my entire life growing up. It just wasn't who we were. On the flip side, we didn't physically abuse each other either. Despite this rather cold upbringing, or perhaps as a reaction to it, warmth and affection expressed through touch is an essential part of all my personal relationships, intimate or not.

I have a very busy schedule in the next several days. I have been invited to attend a prestigious training program for women MBAs at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania sponsored by one of my clients, a large investment bank. Unfortunately, that means I'll be in Philadelphia all weekend, but I think it's worth it for my professional development - plus I've always wanted to eat an authentic Philly cheesesteak. It will be a nice refresher course for me, since it's been 10 years since I earned my MBA at the University of Houston.

Monday I have my first company softball game of the year after work. I bought a new glove Monday night and I've been molding the pocket with a softball and a rubber band. Obviously I lost my old glove in the fire of 2007. Tuesday night I have my first meeting of a new poly women's group in the city, which I'm excited about. As you might expect, at most poly groups, the men outnumber the women, so women's viewpoints tend to get overlooked. As I'm typically more comfortable around women in the first place, I'm hoping this will be a good group to discuss poly issues and ideas.

Why Poly?

I'm sure a lot of people read my blog and all the polyamorous articles and stuff and think I've advocating the lifestyle. Personally, I feel that everyone is poly by nature, and it's society that has conditioned us toward monogamy. There's a recent article in the New York Times Science Times section that quotes an author of a book titled, "The Myth of Monogamy" that says the only 100 percent monogamous animal on the planet is a parasitic flatworm that lives in the gills of freshwater fish.

In Most Species, Faithfulness Is a Fantasy - March 18, 2008

This makes sense to me because most of us grow up in families where we are encouraged to love both parents, any number of siblings, half-siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, multiple grandparents, etc. And it's obviously natural to have more than a single offspring and love them all equally. So the concept of loving many people equally and without favoring one over the other is ingrained in us from birth, and then suddenly when we get to be young adults, the rules change and we are required to choose a single person (just one!) that we will love as our partner/mate for the remainder of our lives. Naturally there are evolutionary imperatives that favor monogamy when it comes to having and raising children, but even those I believe are partially influenced by culture. Personally, I think the high divorce rate is a pretty compelling argument against the "naturalness" of monogamy.

All that being said, I'm not saying poly is the answer to relationship troubles. On the contrary, being poly is HARD. There are probably just as many, if not more poly breakups as there are among mono folks, from a percentage standpoint (obviously the total pool is a lot smaller). Poly requires a lot more communication and twice or three times the level of commitment than being a serial monogamist, where you're only dealing with one relationship at a time. And although I feel poly is the more "natural" state of being than monogamy, it's also completely contrary to 99.9% of the population's most deeply held beliefs about the nature of romantic love and the nuclear family.

Last night was the latest of a long line of train wrecks in my poly world, and I'm working on recovering from it. It's too personal to share details, but suffice to say I learned a valuable lesson: you have to be sure about what you really want, you have to communicate it clearly, always balance your needs and the needs of others, and if you're not sure about anything, then keep it to yourself before you stir up the pot until you are sure.

Being poly is like taking an advanced course in relationship skills. It's not for everyone. I'm not 100 percent sure it's right for me. But like a lot of people who enter the poly world, we do it because it fits our situation. We find ourselves in love with more than one person, or in love with someone who's in love with someone else, and we're not willing to throw that love away. So we either embrace our "poly-ness" or we reject it and move on. One thing I don't think works is to try and have it both ways, to believe in monogamy but act polyamourously. That course of action is only going to postpone the inevitable dissolution of the relationship with a lot more hurt and trauma than ending it quick and decisively.

Polyfolk are the people who are okay with breaking society's rules, especially if we're not hurting anyone to do so. We just want to live the way we must in order to be happy, even if everyone else thinks what we're doing is "wrong" or that we're crazy. I've broken societal taboos in the recent past - a lot of us have. We just have to have the courage to be ourselves, no matter what. It's a lesson I've already learned from hard experience.

Tara's birthday

This weekend was Tara's birthday, and we had a blast. I got a membership at the Museum of Modern Art, which paid off handsomely when we saw the line for tickets when we arrived - they had set up a queue outside on the sidewalk because people could not fit in the lobby ticket line. But since we were now members, we went straight to a completely uncrowded membership desk to get our guest passes, and also bypassed the long public coat check line to drop our coats at the members' coat check. Considering regular admission for the four of us would have been $80, and the one-year membership and guest tickets only cost a total of $90, it was totally worth it not to have to stand in those horrendous lines.

After MOMA we stopped by the public library and Tara got a poster of the Winnie the Pooh exhibit that we had hoped to see, but had been unexpectedly moved earlier to the main branch at 42nd and 5th. So we walked back to the car and headed out to Palisades Center to have an early dinner at our favorite hamburger restaurant, a place called Cheeburger Cheeburger. I know, funny name, but they do have some tasty burgers.

After dinner Bug started feeling a little ill, but we managed to get through that and take Tara to Robot Galaxy, sort of a Build-A-Bear store for robots. She built and programmed two robots, each standing about a foot high. After dropping those off in the car, we went to see the U2 3D IMAX movie once more before it left the theater, and it was awesome again. We came home and opened a ton of presents, and had birthday cupcakes. She was very happy, and said it was the best birthday in many years, and I was happy to be a part of it after missing last year's birthday because of work and recovering from surgery.

But do you know what part of the day really made me happy, and that sticks out in my mind about the day? It's the memory of all of us sharing affection and love in public, from the four of us having group hugs at MOMA to walking through the mall holding hands or locking arms in twos and threes (it's hard to walk with four people holding hands because it takes up too much space). I didn't really think about it at the time because I was enjoying the moment, but how many times do you see a group of adults being cuddly in public? Couples, yes, and families with children, but rarely do you see three adults holding hands while walking down the street. And it just underscores how special our relationship is, and how lucky I feel that we are growing into the family I've always wanted to be a part of.

Poly article

I'm very busy at work today, so I don't have time to write much. However, I wanted to share this article in the Staten Island Advance on polyamory. The reporter, Elise McIntosh, contacted one of my poly groups asking for volunteers to contribute to her story, and apparently found a good one, with an interesting story to tell.

Since I'm relatively new to poly, I don't have much of a story to tell yet, but even if I did, my family is way too private to share our story in a newspaper. In fact, Tara and I talked about this last night, how she enjoys the hermit life, and I cultivate a more public life. Obviously, it's a lot easier for me to accept her lifestyle than it is for her to accept mine, because she doesn't want noise to be introduced to our lives through me. It's one of the issues we're working our way through.

So here's the article - enjoy!

"Married, with several relationships on the side" - March 25, 2008

Poly family update

Wow, it's been more than a week since my last update! That's probably a record for my modern blogging history. I can't remember the last time I let it go for more than a week.

The upside is that life is good right now, and as periodically happens, I've been too involved in actually living life to have much time to document it. Since March 10 when Bee and I had our talk while putting bookshelves together, my family has continued growing closer again, as we were last year when Tara and I first told everyone we were in love. Both Bee and Bug have always been wonderfully supportive of our relationship through all its ups and downs, and I have always tried to be supportive of their respective relationships with Tara as well.

As far as my relationship with Tara is concerned, things could not be better, and probably have never been better. The only thing that spoils our present happiness is having to retreat to separate living spaces at the end of the night (which lately has been in the wee hours of the morning). We've been having some discussion about the possibility of us all buying a house together someday (which it seems these days you need four people to afford a house) and last night, Tara and I both said we are starting to think about having some kind of commitment ceremony at some point in time.

This is all, of course, very preliminary, but it's quite a change for someone who if you asked two years ago would have sworn she would never be "married" again (that person being me). And while we can't get any kind of legal recognition of either our union or our poly family status, I am allowing myself to start thinking about what would be an appropriate way to recognize the commitment we wish to make to each other that would be meaningful to us. As I often say, there's no roadmap for being poly so we're making it up as we go.

I attended our regular PolyNYC meeting on Wednesday and we had an excellent speaker who keeps a library at the Kinsey Institute devoted to polyamory. His presentation centered around the 12 Pillars of Polyamory, which I'll briefly recap here from my notes:

1. Authenticity - knowing your own love needs, triggers, hot buttons, kinks and being able to share those with your partners up front
2. Choice - you are free to choose your path in life, and watch out for people who want to control these choices
3. Transparency - there are no secrets between poly people, especially when it comes to sex
4. Trust - you must believe your partners will honor agreements and do what they say (poly is sometimes called "responsible non-monogamy" emphasis on "responsible")
5. Gender equality - in other words, what's good for the goose is good for the gander
6. Honesty - we can handle anything but deceit
7. Communicative - you must have open discussion with all your partners all the time
8. Consensual - everybody must agree or else it's cheating
9. Non-possessive - all partners have complete autonomy to create and sustain relationships that work for them
10. Sex-positive - being open to experimentation, communicating your desires to partners, accepting their sexual kinks
11. Accepting of self-determination - you have little control of others' behaviors, but you must tell them your likes and dislikes
12. Compersion - the love we feel when others feel love, pleasure we feel when others feel pleasure, autonomy (not control) is the way of the lover

Plus I loved one of his quotes in talking about poly as being one of many diverse ways to love: "Natures loves diversity, society hates it." Which makes a whole lot of sense when you think about it.

Governor terminated

I'm sure some of you are following the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal case - he announced his resignation today in the New York Times:

"Spitzer Resigns, Citing Personal Failings" - March 12, 2008

I'm following this case closely, not because of prurient interest, but because one of my clients is a central figure in the sordid saga (I can't say who, but if you're familiar with the story, you would know the person immediately). What really strikes me about the story above is that Spitzer used the name of a close friend as an alias when he checked into the hotel for his tryst with a prostitute named Kristin (who charges $1,000 an hour, by the way). I mean, what kind of a moron does that?? Why wouldn't you use a completely made up name, or at least the name of an enemy, like political rival Joseph Bruno (NY Senate majority leader) for example? Not Spitzer - he has to drag one of his few allies into the muck with him. Nice guy, right?

Pictures!

As promised, here's a picture of the Passaic Falls in Paterson from Sunday's outing. Pretty impressive, huh?



And here is one of my recent favorites at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, a painting titled "The Lovers" by Marc Chagall.



The Rockets have won 19 straight games, one away from tying the second longest winning streak in NBA history. This is getting exciting!

Blizzards and waterfalls

What a crazy weekend it was - and so different than how I had planned to spend it. I suppose that speaks to the futility of planning.

Since this weekend I was going to be in Ohio, we decided to move our usual Saturday movie night up to Friday, so we had a nice dinner and finished our Star Wars trilogy with Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. I had booked a car service to the airport at 6:15 a.m., and I was up until almost 3 a.m. making last-minute preparations, so I only got a couple hours of sleep, figuring I would sleep on the plane.

I got to the airport in plenty of time to check in and get through security, and even get some breakfast. After eating, I'm walking toward the gate when I hear over the intercom that my flight to Columbus has been cancelled due to weather. I immediately turn around and head over to the customer service desk, and it turns out they are having a blizzard in Ohio, and no planes are landing in Columbus for the remainder of the day. The best they can do is get me on a flight tomorrow, which is pointless because the wedding was supposed to be Saturday. So I cancel the ticket and go sit in the Borders bookstore to make phone calls to cancel the rest of my itinerary and make sure my rewards account is being credited.

Since it's so early in the morning my family is still sleeping by the time I'm ready to leave, so I get a taxi home and crash for a few hours. In the afternoon I run my usual errands in town and then join my family on a trip to a store called National Liquidation Distributors, a closeout outlet store halfway between home and the city. I bought a cordless phone and some Mediterranean food in cans, like eggplant dip, hot lime relish and stuffed grape leaves. Tara and Bug found a facsimile of a long-discontinued cookie from their childhood.

I was planning to go home straight afterwards because I was still feeling the effects of my sleep cycle being so off, but Bee asked me to hang out that evening, alluding that she had things to share with me. She and I spent the evening assembling some bookshelves and talking about our relationship and the ups and downs we've been through in the past year while Tara shelved books in the next room and listened without participating in the talk.

Both Bee and I have had epiphanies of sorts recently. Mine occurred about six weeks ago that has drastically changed my relationship with Tara, and probably influenced her change of heart from last week. Saturday night we took the first tentative step toward developing a more honest friendship between us, and creating happier and healthier relationships with Tara.

After our talk, Bee went downstairs to do her yoga and get ready for bed, and Tara and I had a good talk as well about our relationship and where we see things going. We are still trying to figure out each other's comfort level in meeting each other's needs, and the limitations of our relationship due to circumstances continue to bother me. But I'm trying to make the best of things while recognizing that I have to be responsible for my own happiness and not rely on other people to change their lives to accommodate me.

After raining most of Friday and Saturday, Sunday dawned clear, bright and very windy, so we decided to have an outing to the Passaic River Falls in Paterson. Paterson is only about five minutes drive from my family's house, but it's a whole different world of urban decay and blight. Yet in the midst of the ghetto, there is a natural wonder - a waterfall that drops about eight stories in height among sheer rock cliffs, sending up a spray that creates rainbows on sunny days. There's a bridge across the length of the falls so you can get a really close look, especially if you don't mind getting wet. I'll post pictures tomorrow since I forgot to download them last night.

After this short trip, I went to Costco for some groceries, and to Target to return some shirts I'd bought Friday that don't fit right. The rest of the evening I stayed home and unpacked my suitcase and did several loads of laundry while watching episodes of Iron Chef America, Transamerican Love Story and Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles that I have on my DVR. I also found out that Joanna had to postpone her wedding until Sunday because the groom couldn't make it to the church in the snow. It sounds like she had to endure a much more chaotic weekend than mine, unfortunately.

Molested on the train

I got my hair colored last night. It's kind of a goth-y red that streaks through my natural black and actually quite subtle compared to the first time I did it, probably because my highlights are grown out. It's flashy enough for me though. Maybe I'll get around to taking some pictures of myself - it's been a while since I've posted any.

I also did some grocery shopping last night with my friend Lori at the organic food store. I got a bar of French-milled lavender soap for the bathroom, a bag of malt vinegar and salt potato chips, and a jar of sea salt to use with my neti pot.

I had a weird experience on the train this morning, maybe because I'm wearing men's cologne today (Cerruti 1881), and wouldn't you know, I think I got molested. It was crowded, so there was a big guy sitting in the middle seat next to me. I had my sunglasses on so I could doze, but I noticed that this guy seemed to be expanding and taking up more and more room as the trip went on. So since I didn't feel like I had to cede the space, we were pretty much pressed up against each other, which wasn't very pleasant because he was wearing a leather jacket which was cold from being outside.

Then as we were arriving at Penn Station in New York, his hand was on his thigh, and he let a couple fingers slide over to touch my leg - ewwww! I tried to shift around as much as I could, but there's not much room to go anywhere since I always sit by the window. I'm wearing a short skirt with patterned black tights, so maybe he just found them irresistible. Or it must be something about women wearing men's cologne that drives some people wild :P

Monday night I made my chili, and Tara came over for our regular Monday night date when Bee goes to yoga class. She wasn't in the mood for any of the "spiritually uplifting" movies I wanted to see, so we settled on our old favorite, Major League, to celebrate the start of baseball spring training. After some really great sex, we talked for a long time, and I shared some of my hopes and dreams for our family's future. I'd had some weird energy all day, and it did spill over when we were saying goodbye, but at the end we were able to work through it. Thank you, love.

Nice weekend

This weekend was probably one of the best I've had in a while, maybe so far in 2008. And I didn't even get to have sex with anyone.

Friday night after work I took a train to Macy's in Herald Square on 34th Street and Broadway to buy a Philips DVD Micro Theater Audio System from J&R Express in the basement. It's on sale for $99 ($150 off the regular price) so I wanted to replace the piecemeal setup I had in my bedroom. The only inconvenience was carrying the heavy box from the store two blocks to Penn Station and getting it on the train home. But I set it up and it sounds/looks great.

Saturday I ran my usual errands and went to my local Macy's in New Jersey to return a black charmeuse blouse I'd bought the week before because it's too small. I actually found the right size in red, but even though I thought it was very pretty, red is not a color I can wear too often. It looks good on me, but it's so bright that it looked like I was going to a holiday party. As much as I deride black sometimes, it is a very versatile color for both work and play. Perhaps it is that absence of color that keeps us from ascribing inappropriate or inaccurate meanings to the clothes we wear. I would have liked to find the same blouse in silver grey. And I did actually find some Alfani tops on the 80% off rack that were lovely - one was a turquoise silk top and the other was a metallic turtleneck top, both under $15, and then another top in deep purple that's a 3/4 length sleeve knit top with criss-cross fabric at the bust. And, to top it off, I found my clutch in a navy satin that goes with the skirt I'm wearing for the wedding on Saturday, so it was a very productive shopping trip.

Saturday night we had our usual family dinner and a movie night when we started a Star Wars trilogy with Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. I accidentally left the stove on and burned up a pot of my fried rice, which meant we had to air things out for a bit before starting the movie. Luckily, the smell didn't linger and no real damage was done. Bee started nodding off halfway through the movie, so she fell asleep on my bed while Tara, Bug and I finished the movie and watched actress Ellen Page host SNL.

Sunday we all went out for a museum trip, but first I wanted to do a dry run to Newark airport, since I'd never driven there before and I don't want to get lost next weekend and miss my flight. I was horrified to find out how much it costs to park a car at the airport, even for long-term parking! Now I'm trying to figure out what my transportation alternatives are for next Saturday.

We got to the Met museum around 1 pm and spent the rest of the afternoon looking at the special exhibits by Poussin, Corbet, and Jasper Johns, plus revisiting our old friends in the European and Modern wings. Plus we also saw a wonderful fashion exhibit called blog.mode: addressing fashion that featured work from well-known designers like Christian Dior, Coco Chanel and Donna Karan.

I dropped the girls off at their house afterwards so they would take care of some errands while I did my workout, showered and started cooking dinner. Then a couple hours later we were back at my place eating dinner (without the stove fire, thankfully) and watching Episode II: Attack of the Clones. We had such a good time dissecting George Lucas' screenwriting shortcomings when it comes to writing love scenes, and there was many a groan and chuckle during the movie when Anakin or Padme would say some saccharine cliche that sounded like it was lifted from a trashy romance novel. There's probably a drinking game based around that aspect of the movie.

I also got a call from my apartment manager, and apparently she's interested in buying back the living room set that I'm trying to sell so I can get a new one. She's probably looked at it already today, but I haven't heard back. Hopefully I can sell it quickly and find something more suitable for me.

So why was it such a nice weekend? Because I got to spend so much quality time with my family, and it reminded me of the magical time last summer when we became a real poly family (i.e. without secrets or hiding). Perhaps this weekend is something we can build upon - only time will tell.

Give a massage today!

I'm feeling pretty lethargic from our monthly staff lunch today, in lieu of our weekly bagel Fridays. We had crispy tacos catered in, and I think I exceeded my limit slightly (I ate three). New York actually makes great guacamole, but you'll have a hard time finding a jalapeno pepper around here, outside of Bobby Flay's restaurants. Still, it was a nice reminder of the good Tex-Mex I miss from Houston.

I am massively disappointed that my neighbor has slapped a security code on their wi-fi, which means I can't mooch off them anymore and now I have to pay for the service to be installed. This happened to Agnieszka too recently. I suppose it's a sign of all the distrust and suspicion in the world today that you can't leave your Internet access free to the public anymore.

A couple months ago I was giving Bee a back massage using her favorite lavender oil I got for her at The Body Shop, and I noticed some moles on her back that I hadn't seen before. I told her she should see a dermotologist, so she made an appointment. The ones on her back were fine, but they checked out the rest of her and found one on her hip that just came back as potential trouble.

So here's what I want everyone to do - go to your loved ones and offer them a back massage. It doesn't have to be an erotic or sensual massage, just the experience of touch and a quick check for any suspicious looking moles. While you're checking their back, ask them to check themselves the next time they bathe. It's a nice way to express your love for someone - the instant gratification of a massage, plus the long-term health benefit of checking for skin cancer. And if your situation allows, go ahead and check them for breast cancer too :P

I've been thinking a lot about love, and the future, and my family situation. Tara and I had a long talk about it last night before watching The Thomas Crown Affair (which we discovered that they filmed most of the museum scenes in the New York Public Library where we saw the Jack Kerouac exhibit). While it is true that I try to live in the present as much as possible, I also want many things in this life that require some planning - to buy a house, to travel overseas, to build a polyamorous family - or they will never happen on their own.

Of course love cannot be planned, so part of this means figuring out what my family and I want to do with the love we have - how we are going to express it, what it means to each of us, what we're willing to do to nurture it, and what we want it to grow into. These are questions that are pretty simple for a conventional couple - fall in love, get married, live together, start a family, live happily ever after. For my family, there are a lot more options on what to do that we all have to figure out without the aid of fairy tales and archetypes to guide us. And while the path we take may not be the shortest or most well-trodden one, I'm hoping that we'll all still end up in the land of happily ever after.

Hard Candy

Last Friday's snow turned out to be a non-issue going home - in fact, I caught a later rush-hour train that seemed less crowded than usual - probably because a lot of people couldn't shovel their cars out and chose to stay home that day. This is both the blessing and the curse of having a parking garage - as long as the roads are plowed, there's really no excuse not to go to work in the snow. The whole rest of my family - Bee, Tara and Bug - all either took or got the day off and stayed home together, since their driveway didn't get plowed until late in the afternoon. I'm sure snow is so much more fun when you're a child than when you're a grownup.

This weekend was very nice and peaceful. Saturday I met my family at the UPS Store because Bug needed to sign up for a mailbox for a publication she and Bee are starting. Then I went to the library and found the movie Hard Candy, which stars a then-18-year-old Ellen Page (Oscar-nominated star of Juno and also played Kitty Pryde in X-Men 3: The Last Stand) playing a 14-year-old girl who gets involved with a suspected pedophile/murderer. I watched the movie Sunday night, and I have to say it's probably one of the most disturbing movies I've ever seen, although David Lynch's Mulholland Drive still retains the top spot in that category. That said, I can see why Ms. Page was nominated for Juno (which I haven't seen yet). She is absolutely riveting in this performance, which was overlooked by many people due to the subject content. If you're up for a challenging movie, give Hard Candy a try - it's about as far from the mainstream as you can get in a local library or video store.

Saturday night we saw Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (which we all enjoyed) followed by Tina Fey's performance as host on Saturday Night Live, the first episode back from the writer's strike. With the exception of Carrie Underwood, it was loads of fun. Maybe we'll start watching that every week after our regular Saturday night dinner and movie.

Sunday Bee, Tara and I went out to the mall to do some shopping. I'm looking for a new couch to replace the ones I got after my last apartment fire, which came with the apartment. If I can find someone to buy my living room set, then I can get something that's more suitable for me, so I'm starting to look around for that. I also found some nice tops at Macy's where they were having a one-day sale, but couldn't find a clutch purse for the wedding in a couple of weeks. I don't shop at department stores much, but it seems they are worth checking out during sales. Bee had a gift card that she swapped me for cash, so that worked out nicely. Then Sunday night I watched the Rockets extend their winning streak to 12 games against the Chicago Bulls.

This week I'm planning to get my hair recolored red on Tuesday, maybe a little brighter than last time. Tonight I'm planning to watch the latest Resident Evil movie with Tara before I have to return it to the NYC library tomorrow. Also, on Tuesday the new 4-disc Criterion version of The Last Emperor comes out, so maybe we'll watch that on family night this weekend. Should be a pretty quiet week otherwise, as the month is winding down.

Week in review

I really should be working, but there's time for a quick update. Besides, how can anyone work during a snowstorm? We're supposed to have 5-6 inches of snow here today, maybe more. This morning I woke to the sounds of snowplows on my apartment driveway, and the drive to the train station was slow but not too scary. The trip home might be a different story, as it's really coming down heavily and is expected to continue all day and all night until about 1 a.m. tomorrow.

This past week has been a whirlwind of activity. Last Friday I did indeed take the day off to extend the Presidents Day holiday weekend. I went for my allergy shot, then did a little shopping before meeting up with my friend Agnieszka after she got home from work. We both didn't feel like going out, so we sat on her couch and talked for about six hours. Tara called at around midnight when we were wrapping up and offered to make me pancakes in the morning, so I stopped by the 24-hour grocery on the way home to buy some blueberries and whipped cream.

Saturday Tara and I had our pancake breakfast, and then went out shopping for a few home items. I'm looking for a cheval mirror for my bedroom so I can see an entire outfit at once - right now, I only have a dresser mirror that shows the upper half. I also needed to buy some new candles, having burned my last set down to a big messy puddle of wax. We found some of the candles at Pier 1, and I also got New Avengers: Illuminati at the Barnes & Noble. No luck on the mirror though, although we even visited a couple of furniture stores, which was interesting to say the least.

In the early evening, I decided to start my exercise program, so I got on the treadmill for 45 minutes, and did some weights for my back and abs. I also went out to Loehmann's to check out their holiday sale, as I'm still trying to decide what to wear to Joanna's wedding on March 8 in Ohio. I didn't find much in the way of clothes, but I did find the patchouli-scented candles I was looking for. I got back just in time to start dinner for our regular Saturday family night, when we finally completed Season One of Young Indiana Jones.

Sunday night we all watched the Fantastic Four movie and ate peaches, blueberries and M&Ms. We all agree that movie is much better than we were led to believe, and we're looking forward to seeing the sequel this weekend. Monday Tara and I went back to my old Residence Inn hotel and shot some baskets on their basketball court. It was the first time I'd played since I left the hotel almost two years ago. Then we came back to my place to shower and continue the cardiovascular workout before she had to go home for a few hours while I did some laundry and tidying up. In the evening we watched an old movie called Time After Time, which is about one of my favorite fictional characters, Jack the Ripper.

Tuesday night I met my friend Lori in the city and we went to a new library branch, a new Borders book store and an Indian supermarket. I bought some stuffed grape leaves, lime pickles and garlic relish, and I gave her the pickled garlic and jalapeno mix that I'd made for her.

Wednesday I went to my first PolyNYC group meeting at the LGBT Center downtown. It was a very large group, about 50-60 people of all kinds. I ran into a couple people I knew from the last cuddle party I went to, so it was nice reconnecting with them. The speaker was talking about deeper communication between poly partners, but I'll admit I didn't agree with most of what she was talking about. She also offended a few of the people in the room by saying that all women naturally send and receive communication simultaneously ("transceiving"), which a lot of people didn't get besides me. The best part was engaging in a silent meditation one-on-one with a partner, and seeing a mouse run across the floor in the background and trying not to break out laughing.

Last night I continued my workout program and cuddled with Tara a bit while watching the Rockets beat up on the Miami Heat. Still can't believe they traded Bonzi Wells to New Orleans for Bobby Jackson.

That's all for now - hopefully I won't have to sleep in my office tonight because of the snow.

A Valentine - with garlic

Happy Valentine's Day everybody! Just wanted to send some of the love in my heart out to the world.

For those interested, here is an excellent article in the Washington Post on polyamory, reporting from the recent Poly Living convention in Pennsylvania, sponsored by Loving More Magazine:

"Pairs with Spares" - Feb. 13, 2008"

I spent most of last evening peeling about six bulbs of garlic and packing the whole cloves into two jars, along with fresh sliced jalapeno peppers, oregano, black peppercorns and red pepper flakes. Then I filled each jar with white vinegar and distilled water, and added coarse sea salt. I sealed the tops with cellophane wrap and lids and put them in my refrigerator, and in about a week or so, I'll have some pickled garlic and peppers for a garnish. The large jar is for me, the smaller one for my friend Lori, who wanted to try it.

Tara came over as I was about halfway through my pickling, and we chatted while I finished up, although the smell got to her after a while. She's the only person I've ever known with such an aversion to garlic (who isn't a vampire, at least).

Afterwards we watched a little of the Rockets-Sacramento Kings basketball game, and listened to Porcupine Tree's Nil Recurring in surround sound during halftime and fooled around on the couch in the second half. Unfortunately, she had to leave, or else she could have seen the exciting finish to the game, where rookie Steve Novak hit a game-winning three-pointer with 2 seconds to spare, and the Rockets won by two.

I'm looking forward to seeing my friend Agnieszka tomorrow night - in fact, I'm thinking about taking tomorrow off just so I'm not too tired after work, as it's been a bit of a struggle this week to get out of bed. We'll see how I feel after lunch about it.

Throw vomit from the train

I must be some kind of a puke magnet, because for the second time I've had the misfortune of sitting next to someone on the train that had to vomit uncontrollably. This time was a little too close for comfort.

It was last Monday, and I had just caught my 5:45 p.m. rush hour train going from Penn Station out to New Jersey. Since I wasn't early enough to get a good seat, I had to squeeze on the long bench across from the lavatory. As the train started to move, I noticed a well-dressed man standing opposite from me, leaning up against the lavatory's sliding door. When the woman next to me got up to move to another seat, he took her seat next to me. He seemed really out of it, and also seemed to have a persistent case of the hiccups, which I could feel because we were squeezed up against each other. I put my earphones on and turned out for what was shaping up to be a long ride home.

I was dozing off when someone shook me awake - it was another man that had been standing next to the first guy. I took my earpiece out and he said, "you'd better stand up, this guy next to you is throwing up." I looked over and sure enough, the guy was passed out and vomiting up on himself. I immediately jumped up and checked myself - no vomit, thank goodness! I gathered my coat and purse from the overhead rack and moved as far away as I could, which was about two steps on a crowded train.

The second man tried to get the sick guy to get into the bathroom, but he was completely unresponsive (yet somehow still able to stay seated upright). Eventually, the vomit dribbled down his suit and tie and started pooling on the floor. We called for the conductor using the intercom, and he was also unable to get a response from the man. I think no one wanted to touch him, probably for legal reasons, or just to stay away from the puke.

Finally we reached the next stop and a policeman was called. By this time I got out of the train and walked a couple cars down and re-entered another car. I knew from my first experience with this situation that it would soon become unbearably stinky and it was better to move now than be stuck there. The policeman couldn't revive him, so they called EMS, who came and finally took him off the train. I don't know what they did to him, but I saw the guy walking down the platform being held up by EMS people on both sides as we were leaving the station.

Another thing about New York is that there needs to be a rule limiting the size of umbrella you can carry. It's raining here today, and I see skinny people holding these huge golf umbrellas that come close to poking your eye out when you're squeezed on a busy sidewalk or walking down a subway staircase. I think umbrellas should be limited to three times the diameter of your waistline. How's that for an incentive to gain weight?

I also learned last night that my nearby branch of the New York Public Library is closing at the end of May, which is a pity because that was the most convenient branch for me. But the selection of DVDs is much better at my local NJ library anyway. However, there's a Pooh-Bear exhibit that we want to see before they close it up.

I'm also excited about going to Springfield, Ohio in early March for my friend Joanna's wedding. I can't remember the last wedding I went to - I'm sure it was years ago. I still don't believe in the traditional concept of marriage, but it's nice to see other people celebrate their love. I'm hoping to see some of my friends there, but I don't know who was invited. Should be interesting meeting all these new people too that I've heard such interesting stories about from Jo.

On the subway escalator yesterday I was standing behind a girl. She was wearing a white coat and a white knit hat, and her hair was peeking out the sides, and it was the color of pink cotton candy. It was thick and straight, like handfuls of fresh-cut wheat. I wish I could have seen her face, but when we got to the train platform, she took off for the opposite end of the station than I was going. If that's the way her hair always looks, maybe I'll spot her again someday.

Tara and I celebrated Valentine's Day early on Monday with candlelight and incense, and a long red satin gown I've been saving for such an occasion. Go ahead, use your imagination...

The effect of cooking

Here is a surprisingly candid article about polyamory in this weekend's edition of the New York Times:

"An Open and Shut Marriage" - Feb. 3, 2008

It was a lovely weekend, and I celebrated Imbolc by giving my apartment a thorough cleaning. I've also committed to sign on for another year's lease, so I'll be here at least until March 2008. I'm hoping to buy a house somewhere by next year, depending on how things go. I've been interviewing for a new job at a consulting company, so who knows what will happen.

Saturday night we saw the U2 concert in 3-D at the IMAX theater, and it was amazing! They are one of my family's favorite bands, we are all agreed. While I still think the U2 Go Home concert in Ireland was better overall, the 3-D effects were very cool. You can read the review in the New York Times here - they say it a lot better than I could.

U2 3D movie review - Jan. 23, 2008

Sunday I cooked my first homemade curry - ever - and tested out my new rice cooker. While it wasn't made totally from scratch, I got pretty close to the curry that I grew up with that my mom used to make, which is pretty good since I never actually learned the recipie first-hand. It's basically onions, garlic, potatoes, chicken, curry sauce and spices, chicken stock and coconut milk.

My family came over to watch a movie and I made them their favorite vegetable dumplings, and we all had rice together. It was probably the most home-like feeling I've had since moving here. Cooking for my family makes me feel like a mom, but in a good way. It connects me to the countless moments that moms, grandmothers, aunts, and female cousins spent in their kitchens cooking, socializing and bonding that I mostly missed out on growing up.

Sexual harrassment dream

I dreamed last night that I was a victim of sexual harrassment at work. It didn't involve any real-life people or situations, so maybe it's a glimpse into the future. I was in unfamiliar surroundings, with unfamiliar people. I was getting things set up for a client meeting, bringing food in and that kind of thing.

One of the clients, a huge, 400-pound, sweaty man dressed in loose-fitting jeans and an oversize t-shirt (because that's all he could find that fit him), started coming on to me in the hallway when he caught me alone. He looked like the Kingpin, but without the white suit. He pinned me up against the wall and rubbed against me, and I could feel him through his jeans. I managed to brush him off gracefully and get away from him, but if that actually happened to me, I think I'd be too freaked out to handle it diplomatically.

Anyway....

Last night I watched one of my all-time favorite movies, El Cid, which I got this week in a gorgeous collector's box set. It's the first time in over a decade that the movie has been available in a digital format - the last time was a very expensive Criterion laserdisc version that I've seen but never owned. I used to check it out of the library on VHS, but this is the kind of movie that requires the best viewing experience possible.

Shot in 70mm panoramic, and featuring an inspired score by the legendary Miklos Rosa (who also did Ben-Hur and King of Kings), the high-resolution transfer looked absolutely gorgeous after years of seeing just the crappy VHS transfer. The restoration team did an incredible job on the picture, although the sound is still way subpar by modern standards. Still, it's the story that stands the test of time - romantic, powerful, sweeping yet intimate, there are so many memorable scenes leading up to the powerful, timeless ending. Plus, Sophia Loren looks smashing in black.

I've also just finished reading Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues which I checked out from the library. Very touching, sometimes funny and inspiring, often heartbreaking stuff. And what is with the apparent tradition of mothers slapping their daughters in the face when they get their periods??? Can someone explain that to me?

That bit about having periods reminded me of when my friend Pearl first got hers. She was so excited that she called me to let me know, and I came over and brought her flowers. I was happy for her, but a bit sad too because her growing up meant we were slowly growing apart. It happened the way it was supposed to, but the time that we were close is one of the few parts of my old life that I truly miss.

This weekend we're going to see the U2 IMAX movie on Saturday night, which I'm excited about. It's been a while since I've seen an IMAX, and the last one was at the American Museum of Natural History about dinosaurs. This one promises to be a lot more exciting. After all, what's more exciting than a rock concert by one of the most successful bands of all time?

Have a great weekend everyone!

Power concedes nothing without a struggle

This is a good quote, attached to the signature line of an editor at the New York Law Journal that I was emailing with today.

If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. This struggle may be a moral one; or it may be a physical one; or it may be both moral and physical; but it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will.

— Frederick Douglass, 1857

New glasses redux

Ah, the weekend. It seems even more welcome after a short week. This week has been pretty crazy for me, actually. On Wednesday I got thrown a job to put together a response for a request for qualifications for a climate change coalition. Luckily I was able to borrow from our unsuccessful bid for the ethanol coalition last year, but I still ended up staying until about 8 pm Wednesday, then just got it wrapped up at 5 pm right before the deadline on Thursday. Lucky too because I had planned to take Karina to get her hair cut at my salon in Chinatown, and I kept her waiting for about 10 minutes because I was late getting out of the office.

The upside to this week is that we got free pizza in the office on Wednesday, and Friday we had our monthly luncheon, free lasagna and salad in lieu of our usual morning muffins and bagels. Apparently it's Italians who run things around here, or that's the safest thing to order for everyone. Personally, I'd love to see some Mediterranean food or Vietnamese food ordered once in a while. Ethiopian is probably not good for big groups since you eat with your hands - you might catch something.

Anyway, I'm sure you all want to see my new glasses, so here's a shot I took this morning from my Web cam - these frames are by designer Michael Kors:



And I also got my old Anna Sui glasses back with my new prescription lenses:



Headed out to do my errands now - the vegetable dumplings were such a hit last time with my family that we're doing it again tonight. I think I'll make some for myself this time also, and maybe I'll make a red vinegar ginger sauce to go with it. Some fresh garlic would be nice too. Hope everyone is having a nice weekend!

P-Tree Grammy nomination

This is cool - Porcupine Tree has been nominated for a Grammy Award in Category 95 - Best Surround Sound Album for Fear of a Blank Planet (which I got for Christmas). Time to give that one a listen.

See full list of nominees here

I'm sure someday they will actually be performing at the Grammys, not that they need any of that kind of validation. But it's exciting as a fan to see people slowly come to recognize their talent.

Dating and broken screens

Ugh, back at work after a welcome three-day weekend. At least it's a short week.

I went on my first real date on Friday, the first since meeting Tara I suppose. Her name is Pam, and she's a 33-year-old lesbian living in Midtown. She works as a stage manager for theater productions, and she's getting her MFA in Brooklyn and working as an acting teacher for undergraduates. She's originally from Pittsburgh and has been here for about 10 years.

We went out to dinner at my favorite Ethiopian restaurant (well, the only one I've been to, thanks to Lori) and later got ice cream at the Cold Stone Creamery nearby, despite the near-freezing temperatures outside. She seems like a nice person, although a bit reserved like me. I'm not sure there's much chemistry there, but I think we could be friends. It would be nice to have a friend in the theater business, if you know what I mean.

The rest of the weekend was nice and quiet, except for one major hiccup. My family was over Saturday night for our movie night, and I was retracting my theater screen when it came off its mounts and fell down, smashing the front of my 37-inch LCD TV. It still works, but the crack in the screen disabled about 15 percent of the total screen area in the bottom right corner. It's still watchable after you get used to ignoring the damaged area, but obviously I'd like to replace the TV someday. At least I still have the projector for movies, which is most important to me.

Also on Saturday, my new computer speakers came in the mail, and I hooked those up to my portable DVD player in the bedroom to have music at night. This weekend I spent a lot of time at Borders buying all kinds of music by Bryan Ferry, Roxy Music, Men at Work, Porcupine Tree, Death Cab for Cutie, Garbage, and Tara gave me some music from No-Man, which is P-Tree frontman Steven Wilson's side project. Plus, I also got the 25th anniversary edition of Purple Rain on DVD - I've been getting into a Prince vibe lately for some reason.

Sunday night everyone came over to my apartment so I could cook them some fried vegetarian dumplings I found at my local Chinese grocery store. I made myself some kim chee ramen with eggs. Afterwards we watched I Am Legend on my big screen, a SAG awards review DVD that a co-worker gave me. It was a little less scary than I thought it might be, but as I'm not good with horror elements to begin with, that was plenty. It was a very intense movie, and afterwards I felt like I'd just finished lifting weights or something. I had to watch some of Miyazaki's Spirited Away to settle myself. Bee did the same by watching another movie at home.

Last night Tara came over so I could give her a manicure while we listened to Roxy Music's Avalon in SACD surround sound. This has got to be one of the Top 10 best makeout albums ever, and it's a shame we wasted it doing nails....

Lesbian plays and shopping sprees

It's been a relatively quiet week, hence not much to blog about. I've been really busy at work too, dealing with a big internal project that resulted in a story that appeared on the BusinessWeek Web site.

I also went out with my friend Lori last Friday to see a Bare Bones production of a play called "She Like Girls" at the Lark Theatre. A Bare Bones production is like a final dress rehearsal in a large studio with minimal costumes, makeup and staging, performed in front of an audience of about 50 people. As you might guess, there were a large number of lesbian couples in the audience, and I'm sure many people probably thought we were one also, especially since Lori was kind enough to lend me her scarf when I had to remove my sweater.

I have in fact been slightly more active in the dating arena, but with not much to report. I had met a woman online last week and we were planning to meet on Saturday, but it didn't work out. I've decided that I'm just going to start meeting new people and developing friendships first, without the expectation that a relationship will follow. I think in a dating situation, it's harder to show someone the real me.

Sunday I took my family to the Brooklyn Art Museum, but we accidentally got on the tunnel instead of the bridge and got lost in Brooklyn. We explored the seedy waterfront area for a few dozen blocks before turning around and weaving our way back to Flatbush Avenue. Once there, we saw a nice exhibit of American watercolor landscape paintings, and the new feminist wing that recently opened. However, to our disappointment, most of the museum was closed for renovation, but at least we got to see the watercolors before they left. I also picked up a Degas calendar for my bedroom at the gift shop.

Tuesday night we all went to our local Borders, which is having a going-out-of-business sale to make room for a bigger parking lot. Everything in the store was 40% off, plus I had a 10% off member coupon. Some things, like the chai in the cafe, was 75% off, so we stocked up on that. I mostly got DVDs of old movies: collector's editions of Silence of the Lambs and Con Air, Outbreak, and the remakes of The Thomas Crown Affair and The Count of Monte Cristo. I also got a Sherlock Holmes collection and Marvel Comic's Ultimate Galactus Trilogy in hardcover, since I do love stories of that ilk (although I haven't seen Fantastic Four 2 yet). I leave you with this art from my friend Joanna's site - the end is near!

Kissing with raw egg yolks

Movie fan that I am, I came across this article in the weekend edition of the Wall Street Journal ("Kissing and Telling" - January 5-6, 2008) reviewing a book about memorable kisses committed to celluloid in the history of Hollywood. Think Scarlett and Rhett, Rick and Ilsa, Rocky and Adrian - you get the picture. However, there's no mention in the story about any gay portrayals or any from animated films, although clearly the focus is on older, iconic movies rather than a balance of classic and modern films.

For me, I'm always glad to see one of my favorite cult movies so prominently featured in the mainstream press:

The most conspicuous omission for me -- though inconspicuous, too, since the film remains relatively unknown to American audiences -- is an intensely erotic and brilliantly comic egg-in-your-face kiss in "Tampopo," the 1986 Japanese-language comedy by Juzo Itami. "Tampopo" is the funniest film ever made about food and sex (and film genres), and the payoff of a scene in a fancy hotel room is a 45-second kiss during which a Yakuza smoothie and his girlfriend pass a raw egg yolk from mouth to mouth -- seven times before the yolk breaks. It's a foodie's dream of heavenly bliss.

If you're a fan of food, sex or Japanese comedy, you owe it to yourself to check out this film (if you can find it). If you're not a fan of any of the above, then go back to whatever planet you came from and stop reading my blog!

First peek at new glasses

For those of you who haven't seen them yet, here's a shot of my new Valentino glasses, which will be the first and last time you'll likely see a photo of them:



This was taken during my sick day, so this is what I look like when I roll out of bed in the morning, more or less. I set up my web cam for the first time since moving to New Jersey, practically, to take this shot.

The reason why you're not going to see these glasses anymore is that they don't fit me right, and Costco can't seem to get them adjusted properly. Apparently, the lenses are too large for the frame to handle. So on Saturday I went to Costco and exchanged these for another pair of reddish colored glasses, plus got my old Anna Sui frames refitted with my new prescription as a backup. I should have both pairs of glasses in a couple weeks.

Today my family and I went out to dinner at Harold's deli in Woodbridge, where I had my first beef tongue sandwich, along with their legendary pickle bar. It was very tasty, actually, like pastrami that melts in your mouth *licks lips*.

Sick day

I can't remember the last time I took a sick day, but I'm taking one today. I started feeling like I was coming down with a cold yesterday at work, so I left early. The receptionist said a large number of people at work were doing the same thing, so there's a bug going around the office.

So I feel pretty miserable, but at least I'm getting a lot of rest. Plus today I made a pretty decent fried rice out of my leftover General Tso's chicken from New Year's Day. I sauteed some garlic and onions, then added scrambled eggs, soy sauce and some Indian garlic relish for a little curry spice flavor.

Okay, back to the couch for me, continuing to break in my new center channel speaker, a Definitive Technologies StudioMonitor 450 I received in the mail yesterday.