Tara and I had our regular Monday date night and we did something a little different - we organized my bookshelves. Not the most romantic thing to do on a date, but she loves arranging books and I'm too lazy to take on a task that big without help.
Long-time readers will remember what my apartment looks like from my home theater post ("My new theater" - Nov. 25, 2007). I have a three-level built-in bookshelf above my 42-inch flatscreen TV, and I also have another three-shelf standalone bookshelf in the bedroom that has my slightly damaged 37-inch flatscreen on it.
We started with the top shelf in the living room, stacking books from right to left, tallest to shortest. Then we put all the comic trade paperbacks on the left side of the middle shelf, and all the other paperbacks (grouped by author) on the right side. The bottom shelf holds the Harry Potter box I got for my birthday and all the leftovers.
In the bedroom, we put all the books having to do with magick/paganism, and Sherlock Holmes, along with my Lord of the Rings hardcovers on the bottom shelf. The top and middle shelves hold some of my large DVD box sets (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Matrix, Star Trek, Angel, Alien Quadrilogy, etc.) and my *ahem* adult videos. Putting all these DVDs on the bookshelf in the bedroom frees up enough room to finally stop stacking DVD on top of my DVD cabinet in the living room.
Tara also alphabatized all my comics and put them in the small box I bought at the comic store last weekend. The only problem is, I haven't really figured out an unobtrusive place to put that box, so it's sitting next to my file cabinet next to my computer desk. I also cleared out my old catalogs and magazines, putting the ones I wanted to keep in the box I keep in the bathroom.
After it was all done, we sat on the couch and just admired our work for a while, and talked about books and comics. I wish I'd thought to take a before picture so all you bibliophiles could get a kick out of it. It was a lot messier than the picture I took way back in November. We finished the night with some quiet cuddling in bed, said goodnight and she went home.
It was actually a pretty cool date after all.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Poly vs. Mono - Round 1
It was a bit of an up and down weekend for me, and things with Tara continue to be challenging, although our love remains undiminished. It only seems to be the form that love takes which causes disagreement between us. Such is the conflict that seems inevitable when polyamorous and monogamistic mindsets collide.
Friday, I picked up Tara after work because she would be spending the night with me for the first time since the July 4 weekend, a drought mainly stemming from Bee's physical health problems this summer. We went to the mall to do some shopping, watched some baseball in the evening and had some nice snuggle time before bed. In the morning she made me pancakes and I made her bacon for breakfast, followed by more snugglebunnies. I dropped her off at home in the early afternoon and proceeded to run my weekend errands.
I had a mind to visit the Cloisters in the city since it was such a nice day on Saturday, and luckily Bee was able to get off work early so that we could all go together for a couple of hours and see the gardens in their late summer glory. I took some pictures, but I'll have to post them later. Saturday night I made a different version of my curry chicken and onions for myself (I omitted the limes and jalapenos this time, since I didn't have any on hand) and the usual fried tofu with hot bean sauce for Bug, and vegetable dumplings for Bee, plus some spinach sauteed in black bean and garlic sauce. We watched The Truman Show for our movie and called it an early night. That was probably the best 24 hours as a family we've had in a long time.
Sunday morning started with a surprise visit from Tara, who came over because she had some bad dreams and wanted to talk to me. She crept into my apartment and snuggled next to me while we talked. We resolved the dream issue, but we ended up extending the conversation to larger issues and it got a little agitated. We settled down enough to enjoy some quick canoodling before I took her to the diner for breakfast. Unfortunately our difficult conversation continued during our meal and on the ride home.
After we parted, I was emotionally exhausted and pretty much checked out mentally the rest of the afternoon and evening, watching baseball and the Olympics on TV and napping to stave off the crying spells between doing about four loads of laundry. Tara and I talked a couple times on the phone in the evening and eventually settled down, but our issues continue to be a ticking time bomb that we will have to deal with someday.
In all, I think we both agree that the positives outweigh the negatives over the last few days, and in our relationship in general. This weekend we let each other know where we stand on certain issues, and acknowledged our shortcomings to each other. Truthfully, if we just stopped thinking about what might happen in the future and just focused on the time we spend together in the present, I think we'd be fine. Despite our many incompatibilities, being with her is just about the only time when I'm truly happy and content.
Friday, I picked up Tara after work because she would be spending the night with me for the first time since the July 4 weekend, a drought mainly stemming from Bee's physical health problems this summer. We went to the mall to do some shopping, watched some baseball in the evening and had some nice snuggle time before bed. In the morning she made me pancakes and I made her bacon for breakfast, followed by more snugglebunnies. I dropped her off at home in the early afternoon and proceeded to run my weekend errands.
I had a mind to visit the Cloisters in the city since it was such a nice day on Saturday, and luckily Bee was able to get off work early so that we could all go together for a couple of hours and see the gardens in their late summer glory. I took some pictures, but I'll have to post them later. Saturday night I made a different version of my curry chicken and onions for myself (I omitted the limes and jalapenos this time, since I didn't have any on hand) and the usual fried tofu with hot bean sauce for Bug, and vegetable dumplings for Bee, plus some spinach sauteed in black bean and garlic sauce. We watched The Truman Show for our movie and called it an early night. That was probably the best 24 hours as a family we've had in a long time.
Sunday morning started with a surprise visit from Tara, who came over because she had some bad dreams and wanted to talk to me. She crept into my apartment and snuggled next to me while we talked. We resolved the dream issue, but we ended up extending the conversation to larger issues and it got a little agitated. We settled down enough to enjoy some quick canoodling before I took her to the diner for breakfast. Unfortunately our difficult conversation continued during our meal and on the ride home.
After we parted, I was emotionally exhausted and pretty much checked out mentally the rest of the afternoon and evening, watching baseball and the Olympics on TV and napping to stave off the crying spells between doing about four loads of laundry. Tara and I talked a couple times on the phone in the evening and eventually settled down, but our issues continue to be a ticking time bomb that we will have to deal with someday.
In all, I think we both agree that the positives outweigh the negatives over the last few days, and in our relationship in general. This weekend we let each other know where we stand on certain issues, and acknowledged our shortcomings to each other. Truthfully, if we just stopped thinking about what might happen in the future and just focused on the time we spend together in the present, I think we'd be fine. Despite our many incompatibilities, being with her is just about the only time when I'm truly happy and content.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Twilight mania
Here's an article in today's Wall Street Journal about the cultural impact of the Twilight novels. I'm going to miss reading those ... proof that there is indeed a big part of me that is totally teenage girl.
"True Love Waits" - Wall Street Journal, Aug. 8, 2008
"True Love Waits" - Wall Street Journal, Aug. 8, 2008
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Congratulations
I don't have a lot to say right now. Things are getting better with Tara, but they still seem a little strained. I'm trying to do my part by not pushing and letting things flow but I'm not well known for my patience. I'm sure we'll get back there eventually.
Monday night Tara took me to the mall and we went to Borders so I could buy her a book and browse around together. She picked out a thick graphic novel and then we went to McDonald's for a quick bite. We took a walk through Macy's, but it was closing time so we didn't get to see much. After a quick stop at the grocery store, we came back to my place and just snuggled on the bed for a few minutes before she had to go because it was getting late and we were both tired. Luckily, she made it home okay, because Bug had a flat tire in their car the very next morning.
Tuesday night we all went out to the movies, intending to see the Mummy, but it sold out as soon as we stepped in the box office door. So we saw Wall-E again instead, and it was fun, although Bug had a severe headache and we all felt badly for her. Wednesday I had to work late, so we didn't get to see each other at all, and today I'm feeling really run down, so our date night is probably going to be rather sedentary.
None of this makes particularly interesting copy, but I did want to give my congratulations to Joanna and her husband Perky on the birth of their first child, Braum, who was born on Sunday via emergency C-section. Everybody is doing well, and I'm really happy for Jo.
Tomorrow evening is Battery Park City Parks' Sunset Jam on the Hudson, a drumming circle I'm thinking about checking out. There's also live music at the South Street Seaport at 7 p.m. the same night, so that might be fun too. So many things to do in the city - I really should try to explore more and do some new things. Maybe that will keep me from moping around so much.
Monday night Tara took me to the mall and we went to Borders so I could buy her a book and browse around together. She picked out a thick graphic novel and then we went to McDonald's for a quick bite. We took a walk through Macy's, but it was closing time so we didn't get to see much. After a quick stop at the grocery store, we came back to my place and just snuggled on the bed for a few minutes before she had to go because it was getting late and we were both tired. Luckily, she made it home okay, because Bug had a flat tire in their car the very next morning.
Tuesday night we all went out to the movies, intending to see the Mummy, but it sold out as soon as we stepped in the box office door. So we saw Wall-E again instead, and it was fun, although Bug had a severe headache and we all felt badly for her. Wednesday I had to work late, so we didn't get to see each other at all, and today I'm feeling really run down, so our date night is probably going to be rather sedentary.
None of this makes particularly interesting copy, but I did want to give my congratulations to Joanna and her husband Perky on the birth of their first child, Braum, who was born on Sunday via emergency C-section. Everybody is doing well, and I'm really happy for Jo.
Tomorrow evening is Battery Park City Parks' Sunset Jam on the Hudson, a drumming circle I'm thinking about checking out. There's also live music at the South Street Seaport at 7 p.m. the same night, so that might be fun too. So many things to do in the city - I really should try to explore more and do some new things. Maybe that will keep me from moping around so much.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Vacation's end
I'm back but I don't know for how long. Just had a rough conversation with Tara on the phone tonight, one where we both were close to breaking up the relationship. I guess a lot will depend on how things go tomorrow night when we see each other.
Things have been mostly quiet this week since last Tuesday, mostly because we tacitly agreed to a truce since everyone is on vacation. Tara, Bee and I went to Watkins Glen, New York and stayed overnight Wednesday (Bug chose to remain home to watch the cats). I booked a fantastic suite at the brand-new Harbor Hotel on the shores of Seneca Lake, the largest of the Finger Lakes. The hotel had been open less than two weeks, and we were only the second group of guests to stay in the room (which the front desk quipped was the best room in the hotel). The balcony had a magnificent panoramic view of the lake and Seneca Harbor.
You can also see a short video of the entire view by clicking here. Make sure to turn your volume down because the air conditioner is pretty loud out on the balcony.
We all slept together in the king size bed, which was sometimes cozy, sometimes uncomfortable. Surprisingly, Bee and I did most of the cuddling because Tara was exhausted from the trip up. Reminds me of the first night we slept in the same room together in Houston when she crashed while I was in the shower.
Here is a reverse view of the hotel from the stone dike that shelters the harbor. Our room was on the top floor, just to the right of the center.
Here is one of the hidden waterfalls that flows into the lake. We found it driving along one of the highways that borders the lake, but it would have been easy to miss it.
And here is a representative photo of the glen itself, which is a gorge formed by flowing water as glaciers retreated in the distant past.
We came back Thursday evening and I kept to myself until Friday night, which was the launch party for Stephenie Meyer's Breaking Dawn, the final chapter in the Twilight Saga. We all met up at the bookstore around 10:30 pm and they handed out books at midnight. I just finished the 750-page novel earlier this afternoon. Here's a picture at the book party:
Anyway, it's been an up and down vacation for me. Tara and I are going through some difficult times, but I actually had a lovely time on my trip. Bee and I were very open in sharing our physical space, which was a welcome, if brief, respite. There were some very profound moments of happiness in the glen, seeing the beauty of the water, rocks, plants and animals there. We had a nice time Saturday night as usual, when we saw the 1980's sci-fi movie Tron together at my apartment. And I enjoyed my book immensely, as you'd probably guess from me reading it in a little more than 24 hours.
I'm just plagued by a great deal of doubt about whether my relationship with Tara - and by extension, to my family - is really working for everybody. We both seem to be very unhappy a lot, and yet we still love each other so much. What do two people do when they can't bear to be apart, yet can't seem to stop driving each other crazy? I don't have any answers. But it's hard being in a relationship where both people are waiting to see if the other one has it in them to leave first. And we're both pretty stubborn, so this could take a while to figure out.
Things have been mostly quiet this week since last Tuesday, mostly because we tacitly agreed to a truce since everyone is on vacation. Tara, Bee and I went to Watkins Glen, New York and stayed overnight Wednesday (Bug chose to remain home to watch the cats). I booked a fantastic suite at the brand-new Harbor Hotel on the shores of Seneca Lake, the largest of the Finger Lakes. The hotel had been open less than two weeks, and we were only the second group of guests to stay in the room (which the front desk quipped was the best room in the hotel). The balcony had a magnificent panoramic view of the lake and Seneca Harbor.
You can also see a short video of the entire view by clicking here. Make sure to turn your volume down because the air conditioner is pretty loud out on the balcony.
We all slept together in the king size bed, which was sometimes cozy, sometimes uncomfortable. Surprisingly, Bee and I did most of the cuddling because Tara was exhausted from the trip up. Reminds me of the first night we slept in the same room together in Houston when she crashed while I was in the shower.
Here is a reverse view of the hotel from the stone dike that shelters the harbor. Our room was on the top floor, just to the right of the center.
Here is one of the hidden waterfalls that flows into the lake. We found it driving along one of the highways that borders the lake, but it would have been easy to miss it.
And here is a representative photo of the glen itself, which is a gorge formed by flowing water as glaciers retreated in the distant past.
We came back Thursday evening and I kept to myself until Friday night, which was the launch party for Stephenie Meyer's Breaking Dawn, the final chapter in the Twilight Saga. We all met up at the bookstore around 10:30 pm and they handed out books at midnight. I just finished the 750-page novel earlier this afternoon. Here's a picture at the book party:
Anyway, it's been an up and down vacation for me. Tara and I are going through some difficult times, but I actually had a lovely time on my trip. Bee and I were very open in sharing our physical space, which was a welcome, if brief, respite. There were some very profound moments of happiness in the glen, seeing the beauty of the water, rocks, plants and animals there. We had a nice time Saturday night as usual, when we saw the 1980's sci-fi movie Tron together at my apartment. And I enjoyed my book immensely, as you'd probably guess from me reading it in a little more than 24 hours.
I'm just plagued by a great deal of doubt about whether my relationship with Tara - and by extension, to my family - is really working for everybody. We both seem to be very unhappy a lot, and yet we still love each other so much. What do two people do when they can't bear to be apart, yet can't seem to stop driving each other crazy? I don't have any answers. But it's hard being in a relationship where both people are waiting to see if the other one has it in them to leave first. And we're both pretty stubborn, so this could take a while to figure out.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Silence
"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." -- Thomas Merton
I don't have much to say today in this space. Had a terrible evening with Tara last night, by far our worst date night ever. It seems lately that everything that comes out of my head causes trouble. Apparently what I say isn't as important as the state of mind I'm in when I say them. Love seems to be causing me more pain than joy these days.
I think it's time for one of my enforced blogging breaks, at least until August 4. See you all sometime after that.
I don't have much to say today in this space. Had a terrible evening with Tara last night, by far our worst date night ever. It seems lately that everything that comes out of my head causes trouble. Apparently what I say isn't as important as the state of mind I'm in when I say them. Love seems to be causing me more pain than joy these days.
I think it's time for one of my enforced blogging breaks, at least until August 4. See you all sometime after that.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Houston visitor
In about an hour, I'm meeting one of my colleagues from my old PR firm in Houston. He quit after I left in 2005 and got a job in the Houston office of one of my current firm's biggest clients. So we've gone from being colleagues to him becoming my client, although I don't work with him personally.
I rarely get a chance to have my former life and new life intersect. He's actually only the second person from my former life to visit me here in New York (Agnieszka Prime was the first). He and I used to sit in adjacent offices, and we had lunch together once after I quit, before I left Houston. Since it's been almost three years since we've seen each other, I'm kinda interested in what his reaction will be and I'm looking forward to hearing any gossip about me from my old firm.
There was a time in the past when this kind of conversation might have been uncomfortable for me, but I think I've reached a point where I am secure enough with my new life that I can talk about my previous life without attaching any emotional angst to it. It's almost like those years belong to someone else, and I'm just hearing stories that have nothing to do with me personally, but are still interesting - as if discussing characters in a book we've both read.
At least I hope that's the way I'll react. I guess we'll see in about an hour.
I rarely get a chance to have my former life and new life intersect. He's actually only the second person from my former life to visit me here in New York (Agnieszka Prime was the first). He and I used to sit in adjacent offices, and we had lunch together once after I quit, before I left Houston. Since it's been almost three years since we've seen each other, I'm kinda interested in what his reaction will be and I'm looking forward to hearing any gossip about me from my old firm.
There was a time in the past when this kind of conversation might have been uncomfortable for me, but I think I've reached a point where I am secure enough with my new life that I can talk about my previous life without attaching any emotional angst to it. It's almost like those years belong to someone else, and I'm just hearing stories that have nothing to do with me personally, but are still interesting - as if discussing characters in a book we've both read.
At least I hope that's the way I'll react. I guess we'll see in about an hour.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Birthday gifts
Gosh, it was a wonderful birthday celebration last night, as usual! How my family does spoil me! Plus, we have our family vacation to the Finger Lakes at the end of the month to look forward to as well.
After work, we went to Charlie Brown's Steakhouse for dinner, which is an odd choice for a family that is half-vegetarian. But I told Tara I wanted to go somewhere new that I'd never been before, since our combined dietary restrictions means we typically eat at the same half-dozen restaurants and fast-food places when we all go out together. So just trying a new place was a treat for me, since I'm used to having lots of restaurant choices, being from Houston. Luckily Bee remembered that this was one restaurant we'd talked about in the past as a potential addition to our small stable of regular eateries.
Speaking of Bee, her string of bad luck continues to plague her. She tripped on her shoelaces and fell headfirst on a paved drive, cutting her head deeply above her eyebrow and bruising her hands. An ambulance was called, but luckily she didn't need stitches or have a concussion, just a whole lot of blood spilled all over the place. So now she has multiple reasons for taking all her pain medications, poor thing!
After dinner, we went home to digest and watch the pre-game show of the All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium, and then started opening presents. The big highlight was the entire box set of Harry Potter novels in the Hogwarts cardboard trunk. Since my beloved Twilight Saga will be finished next month, I'll have plenty to fill the young adult reading void until Midnight Sun comes out, whenever that is.
I also got several Vertigo books, like the Vol. 10 of Fables, Vol. 3 of Jack of Fables, and Vol. 1 of Y: The Last Man, to help fill the void left by the completion of the Lucifer series. Plus, I got two more Buffy the Vampire Slayer digests, as well as the last four digests of Strangers in Paradise, which I'm currently plowing through. I also got some other bound comics, like Green Lantern Corps, Avengers and a cool interactive Batman novel.
On the DVD side, I got some cult favorite comedies like Tapeheads and Midnight Run, one of Robert DeNiro's first attempts at comedy (and probably one of his best). I also got the first box set of the Ranma 1/2 TV series, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (Extended Edition), National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets and Blade Runner: The Final Cut.
This isn't even a full list of all the things my family got me. As we always try to do, birthdays we spoil each other rotten, and really try to make each other feel special. I feel so blessed to have such a family.
After all the presents were unwrapped, they surprised me yet again with a tiramisu cake, knowing that it's one of my favorite desserts. And of course, it was adorned with a big wax number 4 in the middle, surrounded by candles that looked like stars on lollipop sticks. After cake, we started watching the All-Star Game on the DVR, but since first pitch was already after midnight, I couldn't stay longer than the first half-inning. Tara and Bee watched the whole 15-inning affair and went to bed sometime around 4 a.m. this morning. Luckily, they didn't have to work today like me. Maybe next year I'll plan ahead and take off on my birthday and the day after.
Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to fit all this new stuff on my already overcrowded bookshelves...
After work, we went to Charlie Brown's Steakhouse for dinner, which is an odd choice for a family that is half-vegetarian. But I told Tara I wanted to go somewhere new that I'd never been before, since our combined dietary restrictions means we typically eat at the same half-dozen restaurants and fast-food places when we all go out together. So just trying a new place was a treat for me, since I'm used to having lots of restaurant choices, being from Houston. Luckily Bee remembered that this was one restaurant we'd talked about in the past as a potential addition to our small stable of regular eateries.
Speaking of Bee, her string of bad luck continues to plague her. She tripped on her shoelaces and fell headfirst on a paved drive, cutting her head deeply above her eyebrow and bruising her hands. An ambulance was called, but luckily she didn't need stitches or have a concussion, just a whole lot of blood spilled all over the place. So now she has multiple reasons for taking all her pain medications, poor thing!
After dinner, we went home to digest and watch the pre-game show of the All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium, and then started opening presents. The big highlight was the entire box set of Harry Potter novels in the Hogwarts cardboard trunk. Since my beloved Twilight Saga will be finished next month, I'll have plenty to fill the young adult reading void until Midnight Sun comes out, whenever that is.
I also got several Vertigo books, like the Vol. 10 of Fables, Vol. 3 of Jack of Fables, and Vol. 1 of Y: The Last Man, to help fill the void left by the completion of the Lucifer series. Plus, I got two more Buffy the Vampire Slayer digests, as well as the last four digests of Strangers in Paradise, which I'm currently plowing through. I also got some other bound comics, like Green Lantern Corps, Avengers and a cool interactive Batman novel.
On the DVD side, I got some cult favorite comedies like Tapeheads and Midnight Run, one of Robert DeNiro's first attempts at comedy (and probably one of his best). I also got the first box set of the Ranma 1/2 TV series, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (Extended Edition), National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets and Blade Runner: The Final Cut.
This isn't even a full list of all the things my family got me. As we always try to do, birthdays we spoil each other rotten, and really try to make each other feel special. I feel so blessed to have such a family.
After all the presents were unwrapped, they surprised me yet again with a tiramisu cake, knowing that it's one of my favorite desserts. And of course, it was adorned with a big wax number 4 in the middle, surrounded by candles that looked like stars on lollipop sticks. After cake, we started watching the All-Star Game on the DVR, but since first pitch was already after midnight, I couldn't stay longer than the first half-inning. Tara and Bee watched the whole 15-inning affair and went to bed sometime around 4 a.m. this morning. Luckily, they didn't have to work today like me. Maybe next year I'll plan ahead and take off on my birthday and the day after.
Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to fit all this new stuff on my already overcrowded bookshelves...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Birthday wishes and dreams
Today is July 15, and it's the birthday of the person you have all come to know as Michelle. As I usually do on this date, I think back about the year gone by, and I'm happy to say that, compared to years past, things have been fairly stable in my life. Stability is a good thing after all the turbulence since 2005. I'm still at the same job, the same apartment, the same family and mostly the same friends as last year. I haven't had any fires or natural disasters strike me this year as I have in the each of the previous two years, which is a nice change of pace. But of course, there have been major ups and downs with my relationship with Tara and the rest of my family.
Last July, we were probably at our lowest point, after being at our highest point just a month earlier. Things were strained all through the second half of 2007, but in January we reached a turning point, and things have been steadily improving since then. Today, we are probably close to where we were in June 2007, but with a slightly different relationship structure. It seems to be a relatively stable model so far, although it certainly has its drawbacks. But we continue to work on it, and honor the love that holds it together. If fortune smiles on us, we may yet reach a point where everybody can be happy in a sustainable way.
As longtime blog readers know, probably the most significant thing to happen this year is my exploration of polyamory, as chronicled extensively in this space. Accepting myself as poly in January has made it possible for me to reinvent my relationship with Tara and take responsibility for my own happiness, which has at least given us another chance to create a peaceful, loving bond between us. Only time will tell if we can overcome the difficulties that my poly philosophy imposes on us.
But for now, I'm just looking forward to a night of celebration with my family, sharing love and giving thanks once again for the life I've been fortunate enough to find for myself.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Growing up
It wasn't much of a weekend to write home about. I did my errands, spent time with my family and cleaned the apartment. A lot of the time I was just lonely and more than a little melancholy about my unconventional life choices. Things are still weighing heavily on me, but I'm trying my best to let them fall and move on. At least I have my birthday celebration on Tuesday to look forward to.
I finished a nice little Charles de Lint book yesterday called Little (Grrl) Lost a sweet urban fantasy about girls growing up in different worlds. That topic blended with a conversation with Tara in the movie theater on Sunday while waiting for Hellboy II to start, when we were talking about how things were with each of us growing up. Compared with her, I think I had it pretty easy growing up, which might be why she's so much stronger and secure in her identity and spirit than I am. I think I've taken the easy, well-worn path most of my life, and maybe the bushwhacking is starting to become fatiguing. But I figure there's no turning back at this point, so I might as well press on.
Anyway, we saw Copying Beethoven for our Saturday night movie, which was inspiring as always. I've loved this movie since I first saw it at the Polish Film Festival last year when I first met Agnieszka (with her friend Raymond) and I was happy to introduce it to Bee and Bug for the first time.
Also, I started reading Witchblade: Origins, a comic by the late great artist Michael Turner, who recently passed away. For my non-comic reading, I'm starting The Stolen Child by Keith Donohue, which was one of the first presents Tara ever gave me and has been in my collection forever. I think it will make a good follow-up for the de Lint book I just finished.
In the latest chapter in what seems like a neverending series of unfortunate events, on Wednesday Bee fell down her basement stairs and cracked her tailbone, which makes sitting and certain movements excruciatingly painful. If it's true that bad things come in threes, hopefully this will be the coda after her dog attack and stomach flu. I brought my Boppy pillow home from my office to help her with the sitting, and that seems to help. I just feel so badly for her that she's been through so much pain and hardship crammed into the last four weeks, although it has not been without its upside in terms of bringing us closer together.
I finished a nice little Charles de Lint book yesterday called Little (Grrl) Lost a sweet urban fantasy about girls growing up in different worlds. That topic blended with a conversation with Tara in the movie theater on Sunday while waiting for Hellboy II to start, when we were talking about how things were with each of us growing up. Compared with her, I think I had it pretty easy growing up, which might be why she's so much stronger and secure in her identity and spirit than I am. I think I've taken the easy, well-worn path most of my life, and maybe the bushwhacking is starting to become fatiguing. But I figure there's no turning back at this point, so I might as well press on.
Anyway, we saw Copying Beethoven for our Saturday night movie, which was inspiring as always. I've loved this movie since I first saw it at the Polish Film Festival last year when I first met Agnieszka (with her friend Raymond) and I was happy to introduce it to Bee and Bug for the first time.
Also, I started reading Witchblade: Origins, a comic by the late great artist Michael Turner, who recently passed away. For my non-comic reading, I'm starting The Stolen Child by Keith Donohue, which was one of the first presents Tara ever gave me and has been in my collection forever. I think it will make a good follow-up for the de Lint book I just finished.
In the latest chapter in what seems like a neverending series of unfortunate events, on Wednesday Bee fell down her basement stairs and cracked her tailbone, which makes sitting and certain movements excruciatingly painful. If it's true that bad things come in threes, hopefully this will be the coda after her dog attack and stomach flu. I brought my Boppy pillow home from my office to help her with the sitting, and that seems to help. I just feel so badly for her that she's been through so much pain and hardship crammed into the last four weeks, although it has not been without its upside in terms of bringing us closer together.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Holiday weekend update
Well, it's been more than a week since I last posted, so even though I don't feel much like writing today, I guess I should give an update.
Definitely the highlight of the past week was Saturday, when after a slow start, we decided to visit the Met and see a couple of the new exhibits, including the Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy and the J. M. W. Turner exhibit, plus the newly renovated Lehman wing in the back of the museum. The absence of Asher Durand paintings in the new American landscape room upset Tara greatly, as did the lack of medieval armor bothered Bug. Bee, Bug and I were also acosted by a security guard for sitting on the floor while waiting for Tara to come out of the bathroom, and that started me on a rant toward overzealous and inconsistent museum guard behavior. Apparently there will be some forthcoming letters of complaint to the management.
Other than those issues, and a rouge proximity alarm that kept sounding in the superhero exhibit, we all had a great time and a nice visit. In the evening we had a return to Saturday night dinner, after substituting Burger King last week since Bee was still sick. I made the usual Chinese food for Bee and Bug, and an improvised jambalaya for myself, mixing grilled sausage, tomatoes, onions and bell peppers with rice. We followed dinner with a very inspiring movie called heima by the Icelandic band Sigur Ros. Such primal sounds they make! Much like the wilderness shown in much of the footage used in the film. Definitely the biggest thing to come out of Iceland since Bjork.
Other than Saturday, the rest of the holiday weekend was pretty uneventful. We saw Wall-E and loved it (although that experience was also marred by a couple giggly girls sitting next to us) and Wanted, which was our first rated-R movie in quite a while, and therefore somewhat bracing after a steady diet of PG-13 fantasy and animated movies. Thursday night Tara spent the night again, and it was a little easier than the first time she did it a couple weeks ago. Just more relaxed and peaceful with less drama, which was very nice. In the morning I took everyone out for breakfast at McDonald's, which ended up serving us a little more food than we had ordered, but made us wait longer for it. And Sunday, Tara and I had a quiet date night at home and watched a pretty good Yankees game, with a walk-off single RBI by the rookie left fielder, since Monday I was not going to be home.
Monday and Tuesday I was in Reston, VA, working on a new business proposal with some of our partners on a $200 billion project in the Middle East. Reston reminds me a lot of Sugar Land - a master-planned community heavy on the use of red bricks. The nice part - there were lots of shops around (I bought a shirt at Eddie Bauer and tried on a few things at Banana Republic) and I had a nice dinner at Morton's Steakhouse Monday night. It was the first time I'd had a steak since a couple of years, I think. I had a filet mignon with bernaise sauce, plus asparagus with hollandaise, hash browns and creamed spinach. Plus a hot sampler platter of fried jumbo shrimp, oysters rockafeller, scallops wrapped with bacon and crab cakes. And to top it off - a chocolate souffle with rasberries and cream on the side. Tuesday for lunch I went to a Siamese restaurant and had a softshell crab on a spicy salad and a hot-and-sour shrimp and mushroom soup. So at least I ate well while I was working. In fact, I think I gained a few pounds over the last couple of days.
Last night Bug and I put in our pre-orders for "Breaking Dawn" at the local Barnes & Noble, so we can get them at midnight on August 1. Also, I finished the 11th and final volume of the "Lucifer" series and I absolutely loved it. I actually want to go back and read it all over again, but probably best to tackle something shorter until the vampire book comes out. Lucifer was like Neil Gaiman's "The Sandman," but with a more linear and action-packed story line. Highly recommended for anyone who is a fan of "The Sandman," where the character originated from (not originally, but you know what I mean).
Definitely the highlight of the past week was Saturday, when after a slow start, we decided to visit the Met and see a couple of the new exhibits, including the Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy and the J. M. W. Turner exhibit, plus the newly renovated Lehman wing in the back of the museum. The absence of Asher Durand paintings in the new American landscape room upset Tara greatly, as did the lack of medieval armor bothered Bug. Bee, Bug and I were also acosted by a security guard for sitting on the floor while waiting for Tara to come out of the bathroom, and that started me on a rant toward overzealous and inconsistent museum guard behavior. Apparently there will be some forthcoming letters of complaint to the management.
Other than those issues, and a rouge proximity alarm that kept sounding in the superhero exhibit, we all had a great time and a nice visit. In the evening we had a return to Saturday night dinner, after substituting Burger King last week since Bee was still sick. I made the usual Chinese food for Bee and Bug, and an improvised jambalaya for myself, mixing grilled sausage, tomatoes, onions and bell peppers with rice. We followed dinner with a very inspiring movie called heima by the Icelandic band Sigur Ros. Such primal sounds they make! Much like the wilderness shown in much of the footage used in the film. Definitely the biggest thing to come out of Iceland since Bjork.
Other than Saturday, the rest of the holiday weekend was pretty uneventful. We saw Wall-E and loved it (although that experience was also marred by a couple giggly girls sitting next to us) and Wanted, which was our first rated-R movie in quite a while, and therefore somewhat bracing after a steady diet of PG-13 fantasy and animated movies. Thursday night Tara spent the night again, and it was a little easier than the first time she did it a couple weeks ago. Just more relaxed and peaceful with less drama, which was very nice. In the morning I took everyone out for breakfast at McDonald's, which ended up serving us a little more food than we had ordered, but made us wait longer for it. And Sunday, Tara and I had a quiet date night at home and watched a pretty good Yankees game, with a walk-off single RBI by the rookie left fielder, since Monday I was not going to be home.
Monday and Tuesday I was in Reston, VA, working on a new business proposal with some of our partners on a $200 billion project in the Middle East. Reston reminds me a lot of Sugar Land - a master-planned community heavy on the use of red bricks. The nice part - there were lots of shops around (I bought a shirt at Eddie Bauer and tried on a few things at Banana Republic) and I had a nice dinner at Morton's Steakhouse Monday night. It was the first time I'd had a steak since a couple of years, I think. I had a filet mignon with bernaise sauce, plus asparagus with hollandaise, hash browns and creamed spinach. Plus a hot sampler platter of fried jumbo shrimp, oysters rockafeller, scallops wrapped with bacon and crab cakes. And to top it off - a chocolate souffle with rasberries and cream on the side. Tuesday for lunch I went to a Siamese restaurant and had a softshell crab on a spicy salad and a hot-and-sour shrimp and mushroom soup. So at least I ate well while I was working. In fact, I think I gained a few pounds over the last couple of days.
Last night Bug and I put in our pre-orders for "Breaking Dawn" at the local Barnes & Noble, so we can get them at midnight on August 1. Also, I finished the 11th and final volume of the "Lucifer" series and I absolutely loved it. I actually want to go back and read it all over again, but probably best to tackle something shorter until the vampire book comes out. Lucifer was like Neil Gaiman's "The Sandman," but with a more linear and action-packed story line. Highly recommended for anyone who is a fan of "The Sandman," where the character originated from (not originally, but you know what I mean).
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Gay marriage
Here is a very interesting article in the Sunday New York Times on gay marriage, and how couples who got married in Massachussetts are working out.
"Gay Couples Find Marriage Is a Mixed Bag" - June 29, 2008
There are some interesting viewpoints about marriage from a gay perspective, some that I've never considered before. And while marriage - legal or otherwise - is not in my future, it does give me a lot to think about in terms of wanting a commitment.
"Gay Couples Find Marriage Is a Mixed Bag" - June 29, 2008
There are some interesting viewpoints about marriage from a gay perspective, some that I've never considered before. And while marriage - legal or otherwise - is not in my future, it does give me a lot to think about in terms of wanting a commitment.
Xanadu
One of my guilty pleasure movies is the 1980 release of Xanadu, starring Gene Kelly in his final dramatic role, and Olivia Newton-John. I was looking at the synopsis online and thought it sounded a lot better as a description than most people give it credit for.
A young album-painter learns a lesson about daring to dream when he is kissed by a magical muse. Throwing caution to the wind, he partners up with a wealthy former jazz musician to start-up a roller disco nightclub, but finds that one of his dreams might be too lofty--even for the powers that be. A modern musical featuring the musical talents of Olivia Newton-John, Electric Light Orchestra, the Tubes, and Cliff Richard, with a touch of cartoon from animator Don Bluth.
Zeus, worried about the fate of a young painter, chooses one of the nine muses who preside over the arts to inspire the artist to greatness. So the lovely goddess Kira descends to earth and encourages her ward to open a disco roller skating rink. First, she locates a clarinet player whom she inspired in the 1940s, and convinces him to return to music by funding the rink. Then the three transform an abandoned building into a neon-lit, rock and roll heaven. But now that the painter's dream has come true, the time has come for Kira to return to Mount Olympus. The only problem is, the two have fallen in love, and do not want to part. But that's what will have to happen unless they can convince the gods that love is the ultimate dream.
Remake of the 1947 film "Down to Earth," starring Rita Hayworth, about a muse who inspires a playwright to write a musical. "Down to Earth" is itself a sequel to "Here Comes Mr. Jordan."
Last dramatic role for dancer/actor/choreographer/director Gene Kelly. He died on February 2, 1996 in California, after suffering a series of strokes, at the age of 83. He was born, Eugene Curran Kelly, August 23, 1912 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Of course the movie has gained in popularity recently since there is now a Broadway show version. But for me, the appeal is a mix of nostalgia and a new found openness to old-fashioned romance and magical, mythological fairy tales.
Speaking of old-fashioned romance - Tara and I did something last night that we haven't done in a long while. Instead of going to my place as we usually do on Mondays, we stayed at her house and watched the Yankees game with Bee and Bug. Bee is still sick, so I made some plain spaghetti for her, which is about the only thing she can keep down besides Cheerios and Jell-O. After the game I took Tara upstairs and we had some private time where we just sat on the floor and talked for a couple of hours, like we used to do when I first started visiting her back in 2005.
I think it's probably been more than a year since we've just sat and talked like that, about ourselves, our life together and our hopes and dreams. Since January, we've been spending most of our private time having sex, and she doesn't care for deep talks in bed like I do. And while sex is fun, I didn't realize how much I missed "just talking" until last night. Things are so different now than they were back in 2005, but through all the ups and downs, and while our connection has sometimes been strained, our love has remained constant. Talk about your modern fairy tale.
A young album-painter learns a lesson about daring to dream when he is kissed by a magical muse. Throwing caution to the wind, he partners up with a wealthy former jazz musician to start-up a roller disco nightclub, but finds that one of his dreams might be too lofty--even for the powers that be. A modern musical featuring the musical talents of Olivia Newton-John, Electric Light Orchestra, the Tubes, and Cliff Richard, with a touch of cartoon from animator Don Bluth.
Zeus, worried about the fate of a young painter, chooses one of the nine muses who preside over the arts to inspire the artist to greatness. So the lovely goddess Kira descends to earth and encourages her ward to open a disco roller skating rink. First, she locates a clarinet player whom she inspired in the 1940s, and convinces him to return to music by funding the rink. Then the three transform an abandoned building into a neon-lit, rock and roll heaven. But now that the painter's dream has come true, the time has come for Kira to return to Mount Olympus. The only problem is, the two have fallen in love, and do not want to part. But that's what will have to happen unless they can convince the gods that love is the ultimate dream.
Remake of the 1947 film "Down to Earth," starring Rita Hayworth, about a muse who inspires a playwright to write a musical. "Down to Earth" is itself a sequel to "Here Comes Mr. Jordan."
Last dramatic role for dancer/actor/choreographer/director Gene Kelly. He died on February 2, 1996 in California, after suffering a series of strokes, at the age of 83. He was born, Eugene Curran Kelly, August 23, 1912 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Of course the movie has gained in popularity recently since there is now a Broadway show version. But for me, the appeal is a mix of nostalgia and a new found openness to old-fashioned romance and magical, mythological fairy tales.
Speaking of old-fashioned romance - Tara and I did something last night that we haven't done in a long while. Instead of going to my place as we usually do on Mondays, we stayed at her house and watched the Yankees game with Bee and Bug. Bee is still sick, so I made some plain spaghetti for her, which is about the only thing she can keep down besides Cheerios and Jell-O. After the game I took Tara upstairs and we had some private time where we just sat on the floor and talked for a couple of hours, like we used to do when I first started visiting her back in 2005.
I think it's probably been more than a year since we've just sat and talked like that, about ourselves, our life together and our hopes and dreams. Since January, we've been spending most of our private time having sex, and she doesn't care for deep talks in bed like I do. And while sex is fun, I didn't realize how much I missed "just talking" until last night. Things are so different now than they were back in 2005, but through all the ups and downs, and while our connection has sometimes been strained, our love has remained constant. Talk about your modern fairy tale.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Ups and downs
Last week was not too terribly interesting, which is why there were no blog entries. It was a busy week at work, and I was dragging all the way until Friday. Tuesday night we went to see Kung Fu Panda at the local theater, which gives out free tickets to Optimum Triple Play cable/phone/internet subscribers on Tuesdays. The movie was very funny and quite thoughtful - but the seats and atmosphere at this older theater were pretty awful. I suggested next time we bring in wheelchairs and pretend that we're disabled - which we would have been if we had continued to sit in those chairs much longer.
Wednesday I met my friend Lori in the city and we had dinner at a vegan pizzeria, which was a first for me. It's so interesting how, in the nine months we've known each other, some aspects of our respective intimate relationships used to be so similar, and now are so different. When we first met, she was in a relationship with a man who was in a loveless marriage with another woman, who adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude about the relationship. At that time, my relationship with Tara was strained in terms of intimacy, so I was dating other people at the time. Of course no one stuck, but happily Lori and I have remained close friends.
In the nine months since we met, Lori's paramour left his wife and moved into his own apartment, and during the same time, Lori moved out of the condo she shared with her parents and into her own place. Now they are talking about putting their stuff in storage and living together for real, full-time, instead of just "playing house" like they have been doing. They've also decided to be monogamous instead of polyamorous, as Lori has been in the past. She has also been flourishing professionally, since she was unemployed nine months ago, and now she has a job she enjoys that could turn into a full-time, permanent position soon. I'm just so happy for her, that her life is taking a course that is leading to love and fulfillment. And of course, in the past nine months, I've gotten back on the same path with Tara and our family after the derailment last summer, and we're now moving at our own comfortable pace, which is considerably slower than Lori's.
So, not as a point of contrast, but to continue the linear narrative: Thursday was a pretty difficult day for me and Tara. It was Bee's first day back to work after the dog attack, and Tara was rightly concerned about her being back after such a long layoff. That led to a long email exchange about its effect on our usual Thursday night date, which I was inclined to just abbreviate so Tara could be home early, but she disagreed. This led to a difficult discussion about our differing communication styles and the fact that I was acting very childish and feeling threatened, but eventually we worked it out that evening.
Any further ramifications from that episode were quickly drowned out by Bee contracting a stomach virus and having to go to the hospital Friday morning. She spent the rest of the weekend semi-comatose on the couch and vomiting at all hours of the day and night - poor thing! She can't seem to catch a break with the dog attack and now this.
So instead of the weekend we had planned with movies and museum trips, we all stayed close to home and took care of her. On Sunday, Tara and I went to Palisades Center to take a break and do a little shopping and time-spending together. I also tore through "Eclipse" for the second time, finishing it again last night before bed. I sure can't wait for "Breaking Dawn" to come out Aug. 2, and the the Twilight movie in December.
Wednesday I met my friend Lori in the city and we had dinner at a vegan pizzeria, which was a first for me. It's so interesting how, in the nine months we've known each other, some aspects of our respective intimate relationships used to be so similar, and now are so different. When we first met, she was in a relationship with a man who was in a loveless marriage with another woman, who adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude about the relationship. At that time, my relationship with Tara was strained in terms of intimacy, so I was dating other people at the time. Of course no one stuck, but happily Lori and I have remained close friends.
In the nine months since we met, Lori's paramour left his wife and moved into his own apartment, and during the same time, Lori moved out of the condo she shared with her parents and into her own place. Now they are talking about putting their stuff in storage and living together for real, full-time, instead of just "playing house" like they have been doing. They've also decided to be monogamous instead of polyamorous, as Lori has been in the past. She has also been flourishing professionally, since she was unemployed nine months ago, and now she has a job she enjoys that could turn into a full-time, permanent position soon. I'm just so happy for her, that her life is taking a course that is leading to love and fulfillment. And of course, in the past nine months, I've gotten back on the same path with Tara and our family after the derailment last summer, and we're now moving at our own comfortable pace, which is considerably slower than Lori's.
So, not as a point of contrast, but to continue the linear narrative: Thursday was a pretty difficult day for me and Tara. It was Bee's first day back to work after the dog attack, and Tara was rightly concerned about her being back after such a long layoff. That led to a long email exchange about its effect on our usual Thursday night date, which I was inclined to just abbreviate so Tara could be home early, but she disagreed. This led to a difficult discussion about our differing communication styles and the fact that I was acting very childish and feeling threatened, but eventually we worked it out that evening.
Any further ramifications from that episode were quickly drowned out by Bee contracting a stomach virus and having to go to the hospital Friday morning. She spent the rest of the weekend semi-comatose on the couch and vomiting at all hours of the day and night - poor thing! She can't seem to catch a break with the dog attack and now this.
So instead of the weekend we had planned with movies and museum trips, we all stayed close to home and took care of her. On Sunday, Tara and I went to Palisades Center to take a break and do a little shopping and time-spending together. I also tore through "Eclipse" for the second time, finishing it again last night before bed. I sure can't wait for "Breaking Dawn" to come out Aug. 2, and the the Twilight movie in December.
Monday, June 23, 2008
A vacation to remember
It's difficult to put into words how significant these past five days have been for me from a relationship standpoint. As I wrote in my last entry, I took last Wednesday through Friday off work to hang out with my family while Bee was recovering from her dog attack injuries and could not drive her car. It turned out to be quite an eventful extended weekend.
Tuesday night after work I took Tara and Bee out to Costco and Borders just to get out of the house for a bit since they had been housebound for most of the past two days. In the evening we watched the Yankees game while I started my book. When it got late, I said goodnight and left to go home. I reached the end of the street when my phone rang and it was Tara, saying that she and Bee had been talking and wanted to know if I would like to stay the night.
I pulled into a parking lot while I tried to digest this news, because I was not expecting something like this quite so soon, which I know might sound strange given how long we've all been together. But in the past when I stayed over, I slept on my inflatable air mattress and now we were talking about me sleeping with Tara in the bed while Bee stayed on the couch, where she usually begins her sleeping every night before sleepwalking her way to the bed. The only other time I've slept in their bed is when Bee and Bug were away on vacation, and that was just for one night (a night unfortunately when I was not feeling all that well). So after talking about it for a bit and getting over the shock, I went home to get my pajamas and a few toiletries before coming back to sleep with Tara in the bed while Bee stayed on the couch. I'm still a little surprised it happened, quite frankly, but I'm glad it did.
The next morning Bug decided to take a day off and join us for an adventure. We started by going to McDonald's for breakfast, and Bee suggested that we might go to the Empire State Building. So we bought our tickets online, printed them at my house and took off for the city. It was a cloudy day, but not hazy, so it would be perfect for sightseeing. We went through an incredibly complicated maze of queues to make our way to the 86th floor observatory. I'd been up there once before, about 10 years ago, and Tara had never been before, so she probably enjoyed it most of all.
We had to hurry back to get Bee to her doctor's appointment, and then I had to get my allergy shot too so I did that at the same time. In the evening we started watching the Yankees game, but I had to actually go all the way back to the city to my office to retrieve my portfolio for a job interview on Friday that I scheduled via Blackberry while we were waiting in line that afternoon, so Bee and Tara came with me back to New York so I could get that.
On Thursday afternoon, I took Bee and Tara to the Passaic County Zoo, nestled in a park with tennis courts, a miniature train, a play area and a carousel. Unfortunately, we got there just a few minutes too late to visit the zoo itself, but took a ride on the train that gave us a sneak peek for our next visit.
Tara and Bee rode on the carousel, but I didn't because the whole park experience called up some painful memories from my former life, a specific visit to the Houston Zoo and Hermann Park. I tried not to let those memories ruin the day though, so we went for lunch at a grill called The Fireplace, where I had a chipotle buffalo burger (yum), and then we went to Tuesday Morning, the closeout store I enjoyed visiting in Houston. I got a few things, and Bee and Tara both got stuffed animals that they fell in love with on sight. We stopped at the big Barnes & Noble for Tara to look for some rare books, which caused a little of the drama to bubble up, but we managed to get through it.
Friday I went to my job interview at a food distribution company in Edison, NJ in the early afternoon, which went very well. We'll have to see if this progresses to a job offer, but all signs are positive right now. When I got back home, Tara and I went out for a special shopping trip to buy her necessities for a future overnight stay at my place, something we've been talking about forever, but I had almost given up hope on ever happening. And it was still uncertain when this event might occur, but we were both hopeful it would be soon, and just the act of shopping for her bathroom stuff and a change of clothes made me happy and optimistic.
Friday night we had our family dinner and movie night because Bee and Tara would be engaged in something else Saturday, so we watched Star Trek: The Motion Picture, which was surprisingly fresh considering its checkered past. When the movie was over, Bee and Bug were dozing off, and I was feeling a little frisky and started making out with Tara. Bee woke up and a little minor drama ensued, but it was resolved with Bee unexpectedly suggesting that Tara stay with me that night. That was a very big move for all of us, being the first time she's stayed over since I moved to New Jersey (although previously she has left my bed in the wee hours of the morning when we've accidentally fallen asleep too long). It was very difficult for Tara (and probably also for Bee and Bug, who are used to having her home) but I tried my best to calm her down and make her feel comfortable. We made love and fell asleep holding each other, knowing for the first time we would not have to say goodbye that night.
In the morning I took everyone out to the diner for breakfast, and we had a very deep conversation about our respective spirit paths and workings we were involved with, which was very enlightening, even if I didn't have much to contribute. I guess my focus these days is more on building my relationships with my family and less about doing inner work on myself. I do intend to get back to my inner work soon, once things are a little more settled with my family. Saturday night Tara and Bee left for their event while Bug and I stayed home for dinner and watched Underworld: Evolution together, which ties in nicely with the Twilight Saga novels we are both reading. She just finished New Moon, and I finished Eclipse later that night after Bee and Tara came home.
And finally on Sunday, we had a bit of a difficult day, the turbulence in the family reflected by the strong thunderstorms that persisted all morning. I came over around lunchtime and read for a bit (starting up the Lucifer series again) and got a few minutes of private time with Tara before we decided to try and see if my pool was open. It was, so Bee, Tara and I went swimming, but a couple near-accidents with the boogie board caused some drama between Tara and I, and spilled over to affect Bee somewhat. The trend continued with some other issues trickling throughout the afternoon, and it made the rest of the evening a bit tiresome and deflating after such a sustained period of good vibes. But we are trying to get better at letting those negative things go and focus on the positive events and progress that we've made over the last six days around the Summer Solstice. It feels very much like a turning point for all of us, like last Memorial Day, like mid-January earlier this year. I feel this is the start of something that will last for a very long time.
Tuesday night after work I took Tara and Bee out to Costco and Borders just to get out of the house for a bit since they had been housebound for most of the past two days. In the evening we watched the Yankees game while I started my book. When it got late, I said goodnight and left to go home. I reached the end of the street when my phone rang and it was Tara, saying that she and Bee had been talking and wanted to know if I would like to stay the night.
I pulled into a parking lot while I tried to digest this news, because I was not expecting something like this quite so soon, which I know might sound strange given how long we've all been together. But in the past when I stayed over, I slept on my inflatable air mattress and now we were talking about me sleeping with Tara in the bed while Bee stayed on the couch, where she usually begins her sleeping every night before sleepwalking her way to the bed. The only other time I've slept in their bed is when Bee and Bug were away on vacation, and that was just for one night (a night unfortunately when I was not feeling all that well). So after talking about it for a bit and getting over the shock, I went home to get my pajamas and a few toiletries before coming back to sleep with Tara in the bed while Bee stayed on the couch. I'm still a little surprised it happened, quite frankly, but I'm glad it did.
The next morning Bug decided to take a day off and join us for an adventure. We started by going to McDonald's for breakfast, and Bee suggested that we might go to the Empire State Building. So we bought our tickets online, printed them at my house and took off for the city. It was a cloudy day, but not hazy, so it would be perfect for sightseeing. We went through an incredibly complicated maze of queues to make our way to the 86th floor observatory. I'd been up there once before, about 10 years ago, and Tara had never been before, so she probably enjoyed it most of all.
We had to hurry back to get Bee to her doctor's appointment, and then I had to get my allergy shot too so I did that at the same time. In the evening we started watching the Yankees game, but I had to actually go all the way back to the city to my office to retrieve my portfolio for a job interview on Friday that I scheduled via Blackberry while we were waiting in line that afternoon, so Bee and Tara came with me back to New York so I could get that.
On Thursday afternoon, I took Bee and Tara to the Passaic County Zoo, nestled in a park with tennis courts, a miniature train, a play area and a carousel. Unfortunately, we got there just a few minutes too late to visit the zoo itself, but took a ride on the train that gave us a sneak peek for our next visit.
Tara and Bee rode on the carousel, but I didn't because the whole park experience called up some painful memories from my former life, a specific visit to the Houston Zoo and Hermann Park. I tried not to let those memories ruin the day though, so we went for lunch at a grill called The Fireplace, where I had a chipotle buffalo burger (yum), and then we went to Tuesday Morning, the closeout store I enjoyed visiting in Houston. I got a few things, and Bee and Tara both got stuffed animals that they fell in love with on sight. We stopped at the big Barnes & Noble for Tara to look for some rare books, which caused a little of the drama to bubble up, but we managed to get through it.
Friday I went to my job interview at a food distribution company in Edison, NJ in the early afternoon, which went very well. We'll have to see if this progresses to a job offer, but all signs are positive right now. When I got back home, Tara and I went out for a special shopping trip to buy her necessities for a future overnight stay at my place, something we've been talking about forever, but I had almost given up hope on ever happening. And it was still uncertain when this event might occur, but we were both hopeful it would be soon, and just the act of shopping for her bathroom stuff and a change of clothes made me happy and optimistic.
Friday night we had our family dinner and movie night because Bee and Tara would be engaged in something else Saturday, so we watched Star Trek: The Motion Picture, which was surprisingly fresh considering its checkered past. When the movie was over, Bee and Bug were dozing off, and I was feeling a little frisky and started making out with Tara. Bee woke up and a little minor drama ensued, but it was resolved with Bee unexpectedly suggesting that Tara stay with me that night. That was a very big move for all of us, being the first time she's stayed over since I moved to New Jersey (although previously she has left my bed in the wee hours of the morning when we've accidentally fallen asleep too long). It was very difficult for Tara (and probably also for Bee and Bug, who are used to having her home) but I tried my best to calm her down and make her feel comfortable. We made love and fell asleep holding each other, knowing for the first time we would not have to say goodbye that night.
In the morning I took everyone out to the diner for breakfast, and we had a very deep conversation about our respective spirit paths and workings we were involved with, which was very enlightening, even if I didn't have much to contribute. I guess my focus these days is more on building my relationships with my family and less about doing inner work on myself. I do intend to get back to my inner work soon, once things are a little more settled with my family. Saturday night Tara and Bee left for their event while Bug and I stayed home for dinner and watched Underworld: Evolution together, which ties in nicely with the Twilight Saga novels we are both reading. She just finished New Moon, and I finished Eclipse later that night after Bee and Tara came home.
And finally on Sunday, we had a bit of a difficult day, the turbulence in the family reflected by the strong thunderstorms that persisted all morning. I came over around lunchtime and read for a bit (starting up the Lucifer series again) and got a few minutes of private time with Tara before we decided to try and see if my pool was open. It was, so Bee, Tara and I went swimming, but a couple near-accidents with the boogie board caused some drama between Tara and I, and spilled over to affect Bee somewhat. The trend continued with some other issues trickling throughout the afternoon, and it made the rest of the evening a bit tiresome and deflating after such a sustained period of good vibes. But we are trying to get better at letting those negative things go and focus on the positive events and progress that we've made over the last six days around the Summer Solstice. It feels very much like a turning point for all of us, like last Memorial Day, like mid-January earlier this year. I feel this is the start of something that will last for a very long time.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Describing relationships
When I'm not blogging in here regularly, it usually means I'm distracted by all that life has to offer, both good and bad. On Friday, one of those bad things happened, as Bee was attacked and bitten several times by a large dog she was training. She suffered multiple bite wounds on her right arm and had to be taken to the hospital for a tetanus shot. She's going to be out of work for a week, recovering on workman's comp, which also means she can't drive her company car, which is her only means of transportation right now.
So to help out and get her to her doctor's appointment tomorrow, I'm taking Wednesday through Friday off work, which also gives me an opportunity to read my copy of Eclipse, the third book in the Twilight Saga which arrives today. Between reading that, my incoming Lucifer books and watching the rest of Season One of Heroes on library DVD, I should have plenty to occupy my free time over the next several days.
When I told my office I was taking time off to help a family member, I did get some queries about my relationship with Bee, i.e. was she my cousin? This is one of the few times I have had to deal with my new poly lifestyle in public, because usually I keep work and private life scrupulously separate, other than using my Blackberry. One thing I haven't found in poly is an adequate description of family roles that mirror those found in biological families. I normally think of Tara as my mate (an easy-to-use, non-gender specific term) and if she thought about it in those terms, she would probably describe me as her girlfriend, lover or (ideally) co-mate. But I don't really have an adequate term to describe my relationship to Bee.
We are not sisters or cousins, and it would be wrong to say we are. We are at once more and less than girlfriends - more because we consider each other family, less because we don't have that kind of BFF-type of relationship where we are completely comfortable with each other and can talk about anything. There really doesn't seem to be a word that can adequately describe my relationship to Bee (and Bug) that - without completely outing myself - would be understandable to the poly-layperson who doesn't even know what "primary" and "secondary" mean. So the best I can come up with is that they are all members of my intentional family, which seems to resonate with most people. If we're lucky, we all have two families: the one you are born with, and the one you choose; the unintentional and the intentional. This also works well since I'm not public with my sexual orientation at work, either.
So I had a very relaxing weekend with my family, with our usual movies (The Da Vinci Code on Saturday night, The Incredible Hulk on Sunday afternoon), swimming, Yankee baseball (playing the Houston Astros) and Saturday night dinner. I did get a little melancholy on Sunday morning when I was alone, which spilled into Sunday night just a bit, but nothing serious. I am trying my best to stay in the present and not let fear of being in pain ruin the brief moments Tara and I have together. I know that sounds really emo, but like I said, it's not serious.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Beach time
It's a quiet Friday at work, so time to blog. It's been quite an interesting week, actually, following Monday's night's poly women's meeting. Since I had that meeting Monday, and Mondays (and now Thursdays) are usually my date nights with Tara, Bee was gracious enough to switch her yoga night with me so I could have Tuesday night this week instead. So Tuesday Tara and I went to dinner at the local diner, where I had a very nice shrimp and scallop pasta with vodka sauce and Tara had her usual breakfast. We talked about a lot of serious topics, which is fine, but probably was a factor into how the rest of the evening went.
While we were having dinner, a huge thunderstorm rolled through and we had to drive back to my place through one of the worst lightning storms I've ever seen, and I used to live in Tornado Alley. We made it home and started fooling around in bed as we usually do, and we were both getting turned on when I asked her a question with a serious undertone that totally deflated the mood. After that, we just talked and continued to cuddle, but she wasn't into it and left early. Nobody was angry, but she was disappointed. I'm still learning the subtleties of how differently we communicate.
Luckily, we did not have to wait until Thursday to get back on track. I woke up Wednesday and the radio announcer said my train had been disabled by the thunderstorm. Normally when trains aren't working they provide buses instead, so I went at my usual early hour to the station and found that buses weren't running either, so I had to take a personal day off. I went shopping at Macy's one-day sale (since they opened at 8 a.m. and I was hoping to go anyway, just not be the first person in the door like I was) and spent about $100 on several tops and skirts. Then I went home, had breakfast, watched some TV and settled into bed with my newest Stephanie Meyer book, "New Moon" (which I finished yesterday). I had let Tara know I was home, but since Wednesdays are usually Bee's reserved days with Tara, I wasn't expecting to see her again. So I was a little surprised and very grateful when Tara called and told me Bee wanted to share her day and make it a group thing by going to the beach.
We packed our towels and beach umbrella into Yoshi and had a nice 90 minute drive down to the Jersey shore to one of the loveliest beaches I've ever seen. I've never been to the Caribbean or Fiji or any of the really nice beaches (except Hawaii, I've been there) so my standards for beaches are admittedly pretty low. Despite the cool temperature of the water, made colder by some strong currents that brought even colder water from deeper depths, we had a great time swimming in the waves and body surfing with our boogie boards. I scraped up my leg a little when I rode a wave all the way up the sand and through a bed of broken clamshell pieces, drawing a little blood (but luckily not enough to attract the sharks). Bee did her yoga on the beach while Tara and I read our books in the fading sunlight of the afternoon. When it was time for dinner, we stopped at McDonalds for a vanilla shake, Boston Market for Bee's veggie plate, White Castle for my mini hamburgers and Burger King for Tara's hamburgers so that everybody got exactly what they wanted. Fortunately, all four restaurants were within a few hundred feet of each other.
And then last night Tara and I got a chance for a do-over of Tuesday, and we spent an intimate evening at home making love and snuggling in bed, followed by a late snack of frosted flakes while watching the Yankees game and cuddling on the couch. As many times as we've done this, it was probably one of our best nights together, free of drama and "serious" talks or thoughts about the future. Just goes to show - love is what makes the present a perfect place to be.
While we were having dinner, a huge thunderstorm rolled through and we had to drive back to my place through one of the worst lightning storms I've ever seen, and I used to live in Tornado Alley. We made it home and started fooling around in bed as we usually do, and we were both getting turned on when I asked her a question with a serious undertone that totally deflated the mood. After that, we just talked and continued to cuddle, but she wasn't into it and left early. Nobody was angry, but she was disappointed. I'm still learning the subtleties of how differently we communicate.
Luckily, we did not have to wait until Thursday to get back on track. I woke up Wednesday and the radio announcer said my train had been disabled by the thunderstorm. Normally when trains aren't working they provide buses instead, so I went at my usual early hour to the station and found that buses weren't running either, so I had to take a personal day off. I went shopping at Macy's one-day sale (since they opened at 8 a.m. and I was hoping to go anyway, just not be the first person in the door like I was) and spent about $100 on several tops and skirts. Then I went home, had breakfast, watched some TV and settled into bed with my newest Stephanie Meyer book, "New Moon" (which I finished yesterday). I had let Tara know I was home, but since Wednesdays are usually Bee's reserved days with Tara, I wasn't expecting to see her again. So I was a little surprised and very grateful when Tara called and told me Bee wanted to share her day and make it a group thing by going to the beach.
We packed our towels and beach umbrella into Yoshi and had a nice 90 minute drive down to the Jersey shore to one of the loveliest beaches I've ever seen. I've never been to the Caribbean or Fiji or any of the really nice beaches (except Hawaii, I've been there) so my standards for beaches are admittedly pretty low. Despite the cool temperature of the water, made colder by some strong currents that brought even colder water from deeper depths, we had a great time swimming in the waves and body surfing with our boogie boards. I scraped up my leg a little when I rode a wave all the way up the sand and through a bed of broken clamshell pieces, drawing a little blood (but luckily not enough to attract the sharks). Bee did her yoga on the beach while Tara and I read our books in the fading sunlight of the afternoon. When it was time for dinner, we stopped at McDonalds for a vanilla shake, Boston Market for Bee's veggie plate, White Castle for my mini hamburgers and Burger King for Tara's hamburgers so that everybody got exactly what they wanted. Fortunately, all four restaurants were within a few hundred feet of each other.
And then last night Tara and I got a chance for a do-over of Tuesday, and we spent an intimate evening at home making love and snuggling in bed, followed by a late snack of frosted flakes while watching the Yankees game and cuddling on the couch. As many times as we've done this, it was probably one of our best nights together, free of drama and "serious" talks or thoughts about the future. Just goes to show - love is what makes the present a perfect place to be.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Poly meeting
I had a nice meeting with my women's poly group last night. Because of the heat, we met in our rain location, the West Side YMCA, where one of our members is an administrator and booked us a conference room. I enjoy the opportunity to talk through things and get some new perspectives in a supportive environment once in a while - plus it's just nice to know there are other people out there who believe that we humans can be in loving, committed relationships with more than one person at a time. It makes my world feel just a little less small-minded.
So I found this dictionary of poly terms on one of my poly blogs that I read, and I thought this entry was super-interesting:
It's quite a radical concept of course, and probably not my cup of tea, but I wonder if for some people (maybe for all of us a little) is marriage a way for human beings to claim a small piece of immortality? With the traditional marriage, we pass on our genetic material to our offspring and they might be fruitful and multiply, and so a part of us in the complex DNA code lives on. My birth family, for example, can trace its ancestry back over 600 years, or something like that. Chinese tend to keep exceptional detailed records in that respect.
On the other hand, for people who don't want children, how can they achieve a piece of immortality? Of course if you're rich, you can build a college or a hospital, something that you will be remembered for. But for those of limited means, perhaps this is another way, to build a family that doesn't rely on having children, and yet can grow into something that outlives any individual member. A seed that, watered with lifetimes of love and commitment, becomes a tree that shelters many for a long, long time.
I'm not sure I really buy into this idea either though. My father once told me that personal happiness was about growing old with your family and generations of offspring around you when you die. Of course, in Asian culture that respects elders, family and longevity, this makes perfect sense. Time is also very important in this culture, evidenced by the fact the Chinese calendar predates the Roman calendar by many centuries, and the aforementioned emphasis on generational history.
I guess when it comes down to it, I'm not all that interested in immortality, at least in the material sense. I don't want monuments over my grave, or a big crowd of mourners at my funeral. I'm only interested in living in the here and now, and not for the future. And being Pagan, I don't believe it all ends at death anyway.
So I found this dictionary of poly terms on one of my poly blogs that I read, and I thought this entry was super-interesting:
Line Marriage n : a term from the works of Robert A. Heinlein, science fiction writer, meaning a marriage that from time to time adds younger members, eventually establishing an equilibrium population, spouses dying off at the same rate as new ones are added, this is a different form of familial immortality than the traditional one of successive generations of children
It's quite a radical concept of course, and probably not my cup of tea, but I wonder if for some people (maybe for all of us a little) is marriage a way for human beings to claim a small piece of immortality? With the traditional marriage, we pass on our genetic material to our offspring and they might be fruitful and multiply, and so a part of us in the complex DNA code lives on. My birth family, for example, can trace its ancestry back over 600 years, or something like that. Chinese tend to keep exceptional detailed records in that respect.
On the other hand, for people who don't want children, how can they achieve a piece of immortality? Of course if you're rich, you can build a college or a hospital, something that you will be remembered for. But for those of limited means, perhaps this is another way, to build a family that doesn't rely on having children, and yet can grow into something that outlives any individual member. A seed that, watered with lifetimes of love and commitment, becomes a tree that shelters many for a long, long time.
I'm not sure I really buy into this idea either though. My father once told me that personal happiness was about growing old with your family and generations of offspring around you when you die. Of course, in Asian culture that respects elders, family and longevity, this makes perfect sense. Time is also very important in this culture, evidenced by the fact the Chinese calendar predates the Roman calendar by many centuries, and the aforementioned emphasis on generational history.
I guess when it comes down to it, I'm not all that interested in immortality, at least in the material sense. I don't want monuments over my grave, or a big crowd of mourners at my funeral. I'm only interested in living in the here and now, and not for the future. And being Pagan, I don't believe it all ends at death anyway.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Heat wave
Just a quick post before I need to get my timesheet done for last week. My company is having a contest where everyone who gets all their June timesheets in on time (by noon on Mondays) gets entered into a drawing for tickets to the Fan Fest and the Home Run Derby Contest that will take place during MLB's "All Star Week" in July at Yankee Stadium. Since I know it would be a dream come true for my family to go to this event, I'm going to try extra-hard to have a shot at this.
Friday night we went out for a late showing of The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, our second viewing of this movie. We weren't all that keen on watching any of the new movies this week, like Kung Fu Panda or You Don't Mess With the Zohan. Saturday the heat wave came, and I tried to get my errands done early to avoid the soaring temperatures. Poor Bee was out working in the 90-degree weather all day, so everyone came over early to jump in the pool (except Bug) before dinner, then we watched our second half of the Mummy series, The Mummy Returns. We are now ready for the third installment in theaters this August.
Friday night we went out for a late showing of The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, our second viewing of this movie. We weren't all that keen on watching any of the new movies this week, like Kung Fu Panda or You Don't Mess With the Zohan. Saturday the heat wave came, and I tried to get my errands done early to avoid the soaring temperatures. Poor Bee was out working in the 90-degree weather all day, so everyone came over early to jump in the pool (except Bug) before dinner, then we watched our second half of the Mummy series, The Mummy Returns. We are now ready for the third installment in theaters this August.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Relationship issues
I found this article in my poly reading this morning that I'd like to share, from the Telegraph newspaper in the UK:
"Four better or four worse for marriage of four" - June 6, 2008
At the end of the article there are some very insightful comments from prominent polyamorist Deborah Taj Anapol, author of "The New Love Without Limits," and the co-founder of "Loving More Magazine." She says if you're interested in pursuing polyamory, the first step is to have an open and honest discussion with your current partner about the possibility. If you can't get that far, she advised, stay monogamous.
So to update the jury service situation - the sexual assault case was resolved without the need for a trial, so they sent all the jurors home early on Thursday, and that concludes my three days of jury service. I'm home free for at least the next three years, but I'll be happy if I'm never picked again in my life. I wish I knew how you got into the jury pool so I could avoid entering in the first place. But I think it's some combination of paying taxes, having a driver's license, owning a car or a home, and registering to vote that does it, and the only thing I plan on never doing is voting, so I'm probably screwed.
Since I got to go home early, I went to pick up Tara for lunch at a diner before coming back to my place and tearing each other's clothes off as soon as we got in the door. We rarely go more than two days without seeing each other, and we hadn't seen each other since Monday night. We spent about the next four hours in bed making love and dozing off in each other's arms, the bedroom flooded with the afternoon sunlight - it was wonderful. Eventually it was time to move the molecules as I wanted to buy some books to replace those I read while serving my jury duty. So we went to Borders and to Barnes & Noble in Paramus, and I bought three more graphic novels. We also had our nice talk about our relationship and came to some new understandings that I felt were minor breakthroughs for us. Perhaps it will lead to the more open and relaxed conversations about the serious issues that are necessary to keep the drama and negative feelings at bay.
"Four better or four worse for marriage of four" - June 6, 2008
At the end of the article there are some very insightful comments from prominent polyamorist Deborah Taj Anapol, author of "The New Love Without Limits," and the co-founder of "Loving More Magazine." She says if you're interested in pursuing polyamory, the first step is to have an open and honest discussion with your current partner about the possibility. If you can't get that far, she advised, stay monogamous.
"Polyamory to me is really a spiritual path," she said. "It's a tremendous growth opportunity. It will show you very very quickly any area where you're insecure. Any old wounds that you have will come to the surface, any weak spots in your relationship will come forward. Basically polyamory will show more quickly than just about anything else all the unfinished business you have in your life."I think about this because yesterday Tara and I had one of our most open and relaxed talks about the future and other "serious" issues in a long time. We talked about the housing issue and the possibility of living together someday. We confirmed what I had pretty much concluded on my own, that it was unlikely we would ever share a home unless one of two things happened. Either there has to be significant changes in attitude among each and all of them (after all, this is mostly my idea) or they would have to be forced to leave their current house (hopefully in a less destructive way than they left their last house). So barring either of these unexpected turns of events, I'm planning on living alone for the foreseeable future, which is not my preference. But living alone is certainly preferable to living with the wrong person or living with people for the wrong reasons, so I accept that.
So to update the jury service situation - the sexual assault case was resolved without the need for a trial, so they sent all the jurors home early on Thursday, and that concludes my three days of jury service. I'm home free for at least the next three years, but I'll be happy if I'm never picked again in my life. I wish I knew how you got into the jury pool so I could avoid entering in the first place. But I think it's some combination of paying taxes, having a driver's license, owning a car or a home, and registering to vote that does it, and the only thing I plan on never doing is voting, so I'm probably screwed.
Since I got to go home early, I went to pick up Tara for lunch at a diner before coming back to my place and tearing each other's clothes off as soon as we got in the door. We rarely go more than two days without seeing each other, and we hadn't seen each other since Monday night. We spent about the next four hours in bed making love and dozing off in each other's arms, the bedroom flooded with the afternoon sunlight - it was wonderful. Eventually it was time to move the molecules as I wanted to buy some books to replace those I read while serving my jury duty. So we went to Borders and to Barnes & Noble in Paramus, and I bought three more graphic novels. We also had our nice talk about our relationship and came to some new understandings that I felt were minor breakthroughs for us. Perhaps it will lead to the more open and relaxed conversations about the serious issues that are necessary to keep the drama and negative feelings at bay.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Day 2 of jury duty
Just a quick update before I head off to bed. The only reason I'm up so late is that I don't have to be in court until 9:30 tomorrow morning, which is really late for me on a regular workday. So I can give everyone a quick rundown of Day 2 of Jury Duty 2008.
At the end of Day 1, I was one of the jurors waiting to be seated for a trial involving an armed robbery suspect. One by one, each juror was called up to be seated in the box, and one by one, they were dismissed by either the prosecutor or the defense counsel. Finally, I was the last potential juror left in the gallery, so when they dismissed one more, I had to go sit in the box and talk to the judge.
He went through the standard questionnaire, like did I know the defendant or the lawyers, and had I ever been a victim of a violent crime. I went through all the basic questions with no problems, but the last question was if I thought the criminal justice system was fair and effective. I said I could not honestly say that it was, based on the large number of overturned convictions due to DNA evidence of people who were innocent but found guilty in our so-called "effective" judicial system. I also thought about the fact that the U.S. has a greater percentage of our population incarcerated than any other first-world nation, and more than many despot nations that we act so morally superior to. Our prison sentences are exceptionally long, and yet it seems like it's not much of a deterrent to crime. I'm not saying I know what the answer is, but I could not honestly say, as all the other jurors already seated did, that the criminal justice system is the best it can be and is fair and effective. So the judge dismissed me.
I went back to the jury summons room - I call it Purgatory because it's basically a large waiting room where you wait for a judge to call for jurors for a particular case. After lunch and a couple hours of waiting, a judge called for about 80 percent of the jurors in the room, including me. When I got to the courtroom, I found out why - the case was that of an aggravated sexual assault of a child under 13 years old. It's going to be a difficult time picking 12 jurors and 2 alternates to try that case. At the end of Day 2, we were just getting through the preliminary rounds of voir dire (Latin for "speak the truth") where people were giving their excuses for why they were not able to serve as a juror for this trial, which could last two weeks or more. Tomorrow morning we'll seat the first 14 jurors in the jury box and start weeding out in earnest.
The whole experience has actually been pretty interesting for me, and of course, I'm making excellent progress on my reading. I completed three graphic novels (Lucifer Vol. 3 and Vol. 4, and Saga of the Swamp Thing) plus I'm up to Chapter 10 in Stephanie Meyer's Twilight. If I don't get chosen for the child rape case, then my service will be done tomorrow and I can resume my normal life on Friday. I'm really apprehensive about the possibility of serving in this trial, not just because of all the work I'd miss, but because of the subject matter. Despite my usually cool exterior, I'm a pretty squeamish person at heart, and I have no wish to get involved in such a horrifying incident.
That's all for now - hope everyone is doing well.
At the end of Day 1, I was one of the jurors waiting to be seated for a trial involving an armed robbery suspect. One by one, each juror was called up to be seated in the box, and one by one, they were dismissed by either the prosecutor or the defense counsel. Finally, I was the last potential juror left in the gallery, so when they dismissed one more, I had to go sit in the box and talk to the judge.
He went through the standard questionnaire, like did I know the defendant or the lawyers, and had I ever been a victim of a violent crime. I went through all the basic questions with no problems, but the last question was if I thought the criminal justice system was fair and effective. I said I could not honestly say that it was, based on the large number of overturned convictions due to DNA evidence of people who were innocent but found guilty in our so-called "effective" judicial system. I also thought about the fact that the U.S. has a greater percentage of our population incarcerated than any other first-world nation, and more than many despot nations that we act so morally superior to. Our prison sentences are exceptionally long, and yet it seems like it's not much of a deterrent to crime. I'm not saying I know what the answer is, but I could not honestly say, as all the other jurors already seated did, that the criminal justice system is the best it can be and is fair and effective. So the judge dismissed me.
I went back to the jury summons room - I call it Purgatory because it's basically a large waiting room where you wait for a judge to call for jurors for a particular case. After lunch and a couple hours of waiting, a judge called for about 80 percent of the jurors in the room, including me. When I got to the courtroom, I found out why - the case was that of an aggravated sexual assault of a child under 13 years old. It's going to be a difficult time picking 12 jurors and 2 alternates to try that case. At the end of Day 2, we were just getting through the preliminary rounds of voir dire (Latin for "speak the truth") where people were giving their excuses for why they were not able to serve as a juror for this trial, which could last two weeks or more. Tomorrow morning we'll seat the first 14 jurors in the jury box and start weeding out in earnest.
The whole experience has actually been pretty interesting for me, and of course, I'm making excellent progress on my reading. I completed three graphic novels (Lucifer Vol. 3 and Vol. 4, and Saga of the Swamp Thing) plus I'm up to Chapter 10 in Stephanie Meyer's Twilight. If I don't get chosen for the child rape case, then my service will be done tomorrow and I can resume my normal life on Friday. I'm really apprehensive about the possibility of serving in this trial, not just because of all the work I'd miss, but because of the subject matter. Despite my usually cool exterior, I'm a pretty squeamish person at heart, and I have no wish to get involved in such a horrifying incident.
That's all for now - hope everyone is doing well.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Jury duty
Today I spent the day at the Passaic County Courthouse serving jury duty, an obligation that requires a minimum of three days or one trial, whichever you complete first. It's not a lot of fun - really boring, actually - but in a way it's a nice break from the routine of going to work. The best part is having lots of time to read, and my Blackberry keeps me abreast of any serious issues at work.
The best way I can describe jury duty is that I feel like I'm in high school again, sitting in an uncomfortable chair (a hard wooden pew) listening to someone drone on and on, not being allowed to leave the room until specified breaks, and not being able to eat, drink or use any electronic devices (except the Blackberry, which is easily overlooked since I always have the sound turned completely off). So in a way, even though I'm not doing much of anything, the whole experience is quite enervating, and I feel completely wiped out even though it's not even 10 pm.
So for those of you who have written me lately, don't worry - I will write back soon, but for now, I'm going to bed. Night all!
The best way I can describe jury duty is that I feel like I'm in high school again, sitting in an uncomfortable chair (a hard wooden pew) listening to someone drone on and on, not being allowed to leave the room until specified breaks, and not being able to eat, drink or use any electronic devices (except the Blackberry, which is easily overlooked since I always have the sound turned completely off). So in a way, even though I'm not doing much of anything, the whole experience is quite enervating, and I feel completely wiped out even though it's not even 10 pm.
So for those of you who have written me lately, don't worry - I will write back soon, but for now, I'm going to bed. Night all!
Monday, June 02, 2008
A quiet weekend
Sometimes the smallest things can be very special when it comes to being with the ones we love. Saturday morning I slept in late, and Tara came over while I was still in bed. She buzzed my phone so I could let her in the front door, entered my apartment with her key, and crawled into bed with me. Given the fact that we have spent the night together in the same bed only once before (and that was either a year or two ago, I can't remember precisely) this was a nice treat to wake up on a weekend morning with my mate in bed with me, even if she did had to drive over to be there.
Friday afternoon I got a haircut for the first time since November. My hair grows really slowly, so length wasn't a problem, but it was starting to lose its shape and texture because of the weight. I go to a guy named Edison in Chinatown who was recommended by a co-worker, and he does a really fine job. Plus, he's a super-nice guy, and rather good-looking, although way too young for me (he's 23, I think). But he spends a lot of time on my hair, and does a very nice job making my hair look the best it can. Because of the way my hair grows, I don't have a lot of style options, but it feels nice to have some layers and texture back in my hair. Sometimes you just have to trust an Asian person to cut Asian hair.
Saturday afternoon after Tara and I got out of bed we went to Costco, looking for a new television to replace the one that I smashed several months ago. We looked at a couple of contenders, a Philips, a Vizio and a Panasonic plasma TV, and decided on the Philips LCD. Unfortunately, the last one in the box had just been taken by another shopper (I saw them taking it, but figured there must be more in the store). When the clerk said that was the last one and they were sold out, I half-decided that I should just give up and stick with my broken Vizio (it's still watchable, but about 15 percent of the screen at the bottom right is blanked out). But Tara said we should check with the other Costcos nearby, so we went over to customer service to inquire stock at the other store about 15 miles away.
When we got to the customer service area, I spotted one of the Philips TVs on a cart, new in the box. I quickly inquired if it was being held for someone, or if it was a return waiting to go back to stock. The clerk asked another employee, who looked at me and said, "take it!" so we did. Apparently someone bought the TV and got buyer's remorse or something and returned it without opening it, so we managed to snag the last TV in the store. It's a Philips 42-inch LCD with 1080p resolution and four HDMI inputs, for you tech heads out there. We brought it home and installed it behind my drop-down movie screen and moved the damaged Vizio to the bedroom, which replaced a 20-inch CRT unit that came with my apartment's furniture.
Speaking of furniture, on Thursday I finally found a nice footrest for the living room, a long, low padded footrest suitable for me, Bee and Tara to rest our feet on during movies (Bug sits on the loveseat). What I like about it is that it's not a straight rectangle, but a curvy rectangle, which gives it an organic, feminine feel. Plus the upholstery is a neutral beige with a subtle floral embroidery and dark wooden legs that matches well with my existing furniture. With this, my new full-length mirror and the new TV, I feel like I'm done nesting with this apartment and probably won't make any other major furniture/electronics purchases until I move into a house, perhaps next year.
Saturday night all the girls came over to coo over the new TV, and admire the hyper-realistic 1080p HD picture of the Yankees baseball game. We had a nice dinner together and watched The Mummy on the front-projection big screen, followed by a re-run of Saturday Night Live. Sunday I went out to run some errands, and met Bee and Tara back at my place so we could go swimming for the first time this year. The water was really cold, despite the warm sun, and we spent some time back and forth in the hot tub.
Afterwards, we had watermelon before Bee left to attend a yoga meeting, so Tara helped me take out all my trash, including the big TV box that I'd filled with garbage, then we went back to her place to eat an early dinner and watch the baseball game she had DVRed earlier in the afternoon. I dozed off on the couch while Bug wandered in and out of the living room from her newly renovated studio. After the game and when Bee got home, they did a little gardening and Bee, Tara and I went out to the Dairy Queen for ice cream. I haven't had a dipped cone in many years, and it was as good as I remember from my childhood.
All in all, this was a very nice weekend for everyone, probably the best in a few months. We didn't really do anything special, but what we did do, we did well and with peaceful intention. We didn't need to talk about the big things, or the heavy issues. We just tried to cultivate a healthy, quiet space where everyone could enjoy each other's company and still do what we wanted to do individually. That, in a nutshell, is what our family is all about.
Friday afternoon I got a haircut for the first time since November. My hair grows really slowly, so length wasn't a problem, but it was starting to lose its shape and texture because of the weight. I go to a guy named Edison in Chinatown who was recommended by a co-worker, and he does a really fine job. Plus, he's a super-nice guy, and rather good-looking, although way too young for me (he's 23, I think). But he spends a lot of time on my hair, and does a very nice job making my hair look the best it can. Because of the way my hair grows, I don't have a lot of style options, but it feels nice to have some layers and texture back in my hair. Sometimes you just have to trust an Asian person to cut Asian hair.
Saturday afternoon after Tara and I got out of bed we went to Costco, looking for a new television to replace the one that I smashed several months ago. We looked at a couple of contenders, a Philips, a Vizio and a Panasonic plasma TV, and decided on the Philips LCD. Unfortunately, the last one in the box had just been taken by another shopper (I saw them taking it, but figured there must be more in the store). When the clerk said that was the last one and they were sold out, I half-decided that I should just give up and stick with my broken Vizio (it's still watchable, but about 15 percent of the screen at the bottom right is blanked out). But Tara said we should check with the other Costcos nearby, so we went over to customer service to inquire stock at the other store about 15 miles away.
When we got to the customer service area, I spotted one of the Philips TVs on a cart, new in the box. I quickly inquired if it was being held for someone, or if it was a return waiting to go back to stock. The clerk asked another employee, who looked at me and said, "take it!" so we did. Apparently someone bought the TV and got buyer's remorse or something and returned it without opening it, so we managed to snag the last TV in the store. It's a Philips 42-inch LCD with 1080p resolution and four HDMI inputs, for you tech heads out there. We brought it home and installed it behind my drop-down movie screen and moved the damaged Vizio to the bedroom, which replaced a 20-inch CRT unit that came with my apartment's furniture.
Speaking of furniture, on Thursday I finally found a nice footrest for the living room, a long, low padded footrest suitable for me, Bee and Tara to rest our feet on during movies (Bug sits on the loveseat). What I like about it is that it's not a straight rectangle, but a curvy rectangle, which gives it an organic, feminine feel. Plus the upholstery is a neutral beige with a subtle floral embroidery and dark wooden legs that matches well with my existing furniture. With this, my new full-length mirror and the new TV, I feel like I'm done nesting with this apartment and probably won't make any other major furniture/electronics purchases until I move into a house, perhaps next year.
Saturday night all the girls came over to coo over the new TV, and admire the hyper-realistic 1080p HD picture of the Yankees baseball game. We had a nice dinner together and watched The Mummy on the front-projection big screen, followed by a re-run of Saturday Night Live. Sunday I went out to run some errands, and met Bee and Tara back at my place so we could go swimming for the first time this year. The water was really cold, despite the warm sun, and we spent some time back and forth in the hot tub.
Afterwards, we had watermelon before Bee left to attend a yoga meeting, so Tara helped me take out all my trash, including the big TV box that I'd filled with garbage, then we went back to her place to eat an early dinner and watch the baseball game she had DVRed earlier in the afternoon. I dozed off on the couch while Bug wandered in and out of the living room from her newly renovated studio. After the game and when Bee got home, they did a little gardening and Bee, Tara and I went out to the Dairy Queen for ice cream. I haven't had a dipped cone in many years, and it was as good as I remember from my childhood.
All in all, this was a very nice weekend for everyone, probably the best in a few months. We didn't really do anything special, but what we did do, we did well and with peaceful intention. We didn't need to talk about the big things, or the heavy issues. We just tried to cultivate a healthy, quiet space where everyone could enjoy each other's company and still do what we wanted to do individually. That, in a nutshell, is what our family is all about.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Curry recipe
I'm rather proud of the curry chicken and onion dish I made last night. I think it's my best ever, sort of a fusion of Indian, Thai and Malaysian influences.
Here's the recipe that I made up - it's not very exact.
Ingredients:
4-5 large onions, cut into eighths
2 1/2 pounds of chicken, cut into bite-size pieces
16 oz. jar of Indian curry cooking sauce
12 oz. can of chicken stock
4 tablespoons of chopped garlic
6-8 jalapeno peppers, sliced
2 large limes, quartered and squeezed
2 tablespoons of Indian lime pickle (or relish, as it's sometimes called)
1 tablespoon of sambal oelek
1 tablespoon dried red pepper flakes
Coarse sea salt to taste
Olive oil
In a large saucepan on high heat, heat the olive oil and saute the garlic and onions until translucent. In a large pot, heat the curry sauce and chicken stock until simmering, add the chicken and boil for 10-12 minutes until just cooked. Add the onions and garlic, limes and juice of the limes, jalapeno peppers, lime relish, sambal oelek, red pepper flakes and sea salt to taste. Stir over heat until thoroughly mixed and serve over white rice. Serves 8-10.
I'm also enjoying a little renaissance of 80's music, especially of the electronic variety. I downloaded some New Order songs like "Bizarre Love Triangle (remix)" and "Shellshock", and I was lucky to find the Pet Shop Boys' album Very in the used bin at CD World last week. Listen to this glowing review from Amazon.com:
Ask people what their favorite Pet Shop Boys album is, and their answers will vary--but ask people what the most important Pet Shop Boys album is, and 9 out of 10 West End girls will say Very. The snide ambiguities that churned behind prior PSB posturings were ripped away on this release, with Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe finally pulling more than punches. Self-awareness is one of the major themes on Very, with "Yesterday When I Was Mad," showing the band could send up themselves as well as their friends and lovers; meanwhile, "I Wouldn't Normally Do This Type of Thing" both carries one of the Boys' best melody lines and serves as one of their most literal confessions. There's also a more threatening, foreboding tone to the record as set by the opening "Can You Forgive Her" and the closing Village People cover, "Go West." Originally an anthem leading gay men to San Francisco's promised land, the Pet Shop Boys' version is delivered from the beleaguered trenches in the war against AIDS. The results are as ominous as they are brilliant. -- Steve Gdula
This is one seriously fun album, with some of the most melodic electronic music to come out of the 80s, in my opinion. If nothing else, can anyone name another band that has been able to cover a tune by the Village People and not make total fools of themselves? Case closed - it's currently on the heavy rotation list on my iPod.
Here's the recipe that I made up - it's not very exact.
Ingredients:
4-5 large onions, cut into eighths
2 1/2 pounds of chicken, cut into bite-size pieces
16 oz. jar of Indian curry cooking sauce
12 oz. can of chicken stock
4 tablespoons of chopped garlic
6-8 jalapeno peppers, sliced
2 large limes, quartered and squeezed
2 tablespoons of Indian lime pickle (or relish, as it's sometimes called)
1 tablespoon of sambal oelek
1 tablespoon dried red pepper flakes
Coarse sea salt to taste
Olive oil
In a large saucepan on high heat, heat the olive oil and saute the garlic and onions until translucent. In a large pot, heat the curry sauce and chicken stock until simmering, add the chicken and boil for 10-12 minutes until just cooked. Add the onions and garlic, limes and juice of the limes, jalapeno peppers, lime relish, sambal oelek, red pepper flakes and sea salt to taste. Stir over heat until thoroughly mixed and serve over white rice. Serves 8-10.
I'm also enjoying a little renaissance of 80's music, especially of the electronic variety. I downloaded some New Order songs like "Bizarre Love Triangle (remix)" and "Shellshock", and I was lucky to find the Pet Shop Boys' album Very in the used bin at CD World last week. Listen to this glowing review from Amazon.com:
Ask people what their favorite Pet Shop Boys album is, and their answers will vary--but ask people what the most important Pet Shop Boys album is, and 9 out of 10 West End girls will say Very. The snide ambiguities that churned behind prior PSB posturings were ripped away on this release, with Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe finally pulling more than punches. Self-awareness is one of the major themes on Very, with "Yesterday When I Was Mad," showing the band could send up themselves as well as their friends and lovers; meanwhile, "I Wouldn't Normally Do This Type of Thing" both carries one of the Boys' best melody lines and serves as one of their most literal confessions. There's also a more threatening, foreboding tone to the record as set by the opening "Can You Forgive Her" and the closing Village People cover, "Go West." Originally an anthem leading gay men to San Francisco's promised land, the Pet Shop Boys' version is delivered from the beleaguered trenches in the war against AIDS. The results are as ominous as they are brilliant. -- Steve Gdula
This is one seriously fun album, with some of the most melodic electronic music to come out of the 80s, in my opinion. If nothing else, can anyone name another band that has been able to cover a tune by the Village People and not make total fools of themselves? Case closed - it's currently on the heavy rotation list on my iPod.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Deciding to decide
I've been thinking a lot about my last post about my poly anniversary. After I wrote it Sunday morning, Tara came over and we had a long, sometimes difficult talk about the events of June and July 2007, specifically regarding the breakup of our triad. Our talk ended well, and we ended up having a decent evening. I took her and Bee to the diner and we had a nice meal (a wonderful seafood paella for me) and then we went to see Speed Racer at the movie theater, which was a lot better than the box office grosses would suggest.
What I've been thinking about since Sunday is how to get past that breakup, which still has repercussions for Tara and to a lesser degree for Bee and Bug, although I never actually had a chance to address what happened with either of them directly. And what I've come to realize is that the events of last year really could not have happened any other way. We were not ready to be a poly family back then, and frankly, we have a lot of work to do yet, if we even decide we want that anymore.
But back in 2007, I had just suffered my second fire in less than two years, plus I was only six months recovered from major surgery. When the fire happened in March, I stayed with my family for a week until I could get a new apartment and start rebuilding my home. Despite this, I was growing increasingly distant from Tara because of the secrecy surrounding our relationship, and her own issues at home. Then in May, everything changed when she told Bee and Bug what was going on between us, that we were in love and having an intimate physical relationship. That month was also the first time Tara and I made love, and a first time ever for me in some ways.
It was two weeks later in the midst of all this upheaval when the poly relationship started, before any of us even really knew what polyamory was, or whether we truly wanted it or not. Looking back, I can say with all certainty that a poly relationship started under these circumstances, and among people who have never heard the word "polyamory" before, has no right to be a successful one.
What I've also come to realize is that, as goal-oriented as I am usually perceived as being, I have never actually stated my intentions with Tara. Part of the reason is her dislike of such declarations, but what I now understand is that in our situation, when the typical fairy tale ending simply isn't an option and therefore cannot be the expected default outcome, without such a declaration of love and commitment, there is too much uncertainty in the relationship to avoid constant vertigo and drama outbreaks.
So last night I told her there are two facts about us that we both agree on. First is that we are both very much in love with each other. Second is that, despite our efforts in the past, we are incapable of being just platonic friends. If we accept these two facts as truth, then the only thing that remains is to decide what to do about it, given our current situation. And last night I told her I had made the decision to figure out what to do about these two facts being true, and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to decide how I want our relationship to look like, and propose (it) to her.
I'm not expecting this to be a simple "yes-no" like a marriage proposal, because it's not just about the two of us, and there will probably be some details I'd bring up that will need to be talked about and agreed upon. But the point is, if our love is as strong as we say it is, and if we truly want to be together in the long term, affirming our commitment publicly and taking the option of abandonment off the table will go a long way toward building a more solid foundation for whatever comes later. Speaking only for myself, as much as I love Tara, it's time for me to get serious and stop pretending like I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her.
What I've been thinking about since Sunday is how to get past that breakup, which still has repercussions for Tara and to a lesser degree for Bee and Bug, although I never actually had a chance to address what happened with either of them directly. And what I've come to realize is that the events of last year really could not have happened any other way. We were not ready to be a poly family back then, and frankly, we have a lot of work to do yet, if we even decide we want that anymore.
But back in 2007, I had just suffered my second fire in less than two years, plus I was only six months recovered from major surgery. When the fire happened in March, I stayed with my family for a week until I could get a new apartment and start rebuilding my home. Despite this, I was growing increasingly distant from Tara because of the secrecy surrounding our relationship, and her own issues at home. Then in May, everything changed when she told Bee and Bug what was going on between us, that we were in love and having an intimate physical relationship. That month was also the first time Tara and I made love, and a first time ever for me in some ways.
It was two weeks later in the midst of all this upheaval when the poly relationship started, before any of us even really knew what polyamory was, or whether we truly wanted it or not. Looking back, I can say with all certainty that a poly relationship started under these circumstances, and among people who have never heard the word "polyamory" before, has no right to be a successful one.
What I've also come to realize is that, as goal-oriented as I am usually perceived as being, I have never actually stated my intentions with Tara. Part of the reason is her dislike of such declarations, but what I now understand is that in our situation, when the typical fairy tale ending simply isn't an option and therefore cannot be the expected default outcome, without such a declaration of love and commitment, there is too much uncertainty in the relationship to avoid constant vertigo and drama outbreaks.
So last night I told her there are two facts about us that we both agree on. First is that we are both very much in love with each other. Second is that, despite our efforts in the past, we are incapable of being just platonic friends. If we accept these two facts as truth, then the only thing that remains is to decide what to do about it, given our current situation. And last night I told her I had made the decision to figure out what to do about these two facts being true, and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to decide how I want our relationship to look like, and propose (it) to her.
I'm not expecting this to be a simple "yes-no" like a marriage proposal, because it's not just about the two of us, and there will probably be some details I'd bring up that will need to be talked about and agreed upon. But the point is, if our love is as strong as we say it is, and if we truly want to be together in the long term, affirming our commitment publicly and taking the option of abandonment off the table will go a long way toward building a more solid foundation for whatever comes later. Speaking only for myself, as much as I love Tara, it's time for me to get serious and stop pretending like I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Poly anniversary
There are some anniversaries that should be celebrated that are universally positive, like birthdays and first kisses and such. Other anniversaries are less about celebrating than about marking the passage of time and the changes in our lives. Today is one of the latter.
One year ago on Memorial Day weekend, Bee, Tara and I made love together for the first time and started our poly triad relationship that lasted for six weeks in 2007. Today, we form what is called a "V" in poly parlance, where Tara has separate relationships with both myself and Bee, but we don't talk about intimacy outside of those one-on-one connections.
I still remember that first night with the three of us, when we stayed up into the wee hours of the morning, all talking together, and naturally progressing to touching, kissing and eventually being intimate together on the living room floor. I think I remember leaving their house at around 5 a.m., with the sky just starting to get light from the dawn.
And the truth is, I don't really think about the sex too often, because Tara and I still have wonderful sex regularly and we are learning more each week about how to please each other. I'm a lot more comfortable emotionally with sharing my body than I was last year, and more adept at giving and receiving sexual pleasure. But it's easier when there's only one person in the bed because my sexual response seems to be very specific and it's taken months for Tara and I to figure it out together.
What I really miss about being in a poly triad is the communication and openness that seems to have gone missing in my family, at least with me around. I can't fully understand or explain why things have changed in the past 12 months because we've stopped talking about these deep relationship issues since last summer, with the exception of one instance earlier this year when Bee and I were building bookshelves together.
All I know is that no relationship can survive without communication, and repeated disappointments on my part to improve things will cause me to slowly slide into indifference. I am starting to realize that love can be a wonderful and magical thing, but the strength of your love does not necessarily translate into the strength of your relationship with others. Sometimes you can love someone with all your heart, but you can't overcome the very real obstacles that keep you from giving and receiving all you want and need from each other in a relationship. For poly people, we give ourselves the option of not giving up on that kind of love, despite those limitations. But those kinds of relationships are complicated, and not being able to communicate is the equivalent of neglect.
One year ago on Memorial Day weekend, Bee, Tara and I made love together for the first time and started our poly triad relationship that lasted for six weeks in 2007. Today, we form what is called a "V" in poly parlance, where Tara has separate relationships with both myself and Bee, but we don't talk about intimacy outside of those one-on-one connections.
I still remember that first night with the three of us, when we stayed up into the wee hours of the morning, all talking together, and naturally progressing to touching, kissing and eventually being intimate together on the living room floor. I think I remember leaving their house at around 5 a.m., with the sky just starting to get light from the dawn.
And the truth is, I don't really think about the sex too often, because Tara and I still have wonderful sex regularly and we are learning more each week about how to please each other. I'm a lot more comfortable emotionally with sharing my body than I was last year, and more adept at giving and receiving sexual pleasure. But it's easier when there's only one person in the bed because my sexual response seems to be very specific and it's taken months for Tara and I to figure it out together.
What I really miss about being in a poly triad is the communication and openness that seems to have gone missing in my family, at least with me around. I can't fully understand or explain why things have changed in the past 12 months because we've stopped talking about these deep relationship issues since last summer, with the exception of one instance earlier this year when Bee and I were building bookshelves together.
All I know is that no relationship can survive without communication, and repeated disappointments on my part to improve things will cause me to slowly slide into indifference. I am starting to realize that love can be a wonderful and magical thing, but the strength of your love does not necessarily translate into the strength of your relationship with others. Sometimes you can love someone with all your heart, but you can't overcome the very real obstacles that keep you from giving and receiving all you want and need from each other in a relationship. For poly people, we give ourselves the option of not giving up on that kind of love, despite those limitations. But those kinds of relationships are complicated, and not being able to communicate is the equivalent of neglect.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Boring Balls of Fury
Surprisingly, I don't really feel like blogging today, as I'm struggling with some family issues under the surface. But since my family is trying to be more consistent in blogging, far be it for me to drag the ship down, so here goes.
Friday night I watched Balls of Fury on my big screen alone, which is probably a good thing because it was the most un-funny comedy I've seen in a long time. I had such high hopes for it because Christopher Walken is in it (Bee's favorite actor) and ping pong is, of course, in my blood.
I used to be a pretty serious ping pong, or table tennis, player. We had a table in a dedicated play room above our garage in the house I grew up in, and we'd host ping pong parties every Friday for years. All the men would play upstairs while the women would sit around the table and socialize. Except for this one woman who was a good player and looked very butch. I think I overheard my parents say that she had a hormone imbalance that caused her to be more masculine - in any case, she would usually play with the men instead of hanging out with the women. But anyway - Balls of Fury - just take a pass on this one.
Saturday was a busy and interesting day. I started by going to the doctor for extra allergy shots since it's allergy season, and then stopping by the pharmacy for my pills. Then I drove into the city to meet up with a pagan group I joined on Meetup.com - they were going to meet on the steps of the American Museum of Natural History. Since I have a museum membership, it was the perfect time to meet the group in person for the first time. Unfortunately, whoever showed up didn't see or recognize me, so we missed each other. Apparently my "witch-dar" is as bad as my "gay-dar" because I didn't recognize anyone on the steps who look remotely like the people I was trying to meet up with.
Since I didn't meet my group, I just walked around a street fair that was happening at the back of the museum and waited until my next meeting, which I'd arranged to meet a couple that I'd connected with through my poly group, Alex and Michelle. We met outside the museum and went to Uno's for a late lunch. They are exploring opening their relationship to poly, and we had a nice talk about my background and the challenges of being poly. Unfortunately, I didn't take a photo of them for the blog, but maybe I will next time we get together. I will note that Michelle is almost as tall as I am - when she's wearing four-inch heels as she was on Saturday.
Saturday night was not our usual dinner and a movie because Tara's cat got sick and had to go to the emergency room. Tara was freaking out so much that I offered to take her to dinner just to get her out of the house and get her mind off what was happening. The cat has had serious health issues so she was afraid for the worst. Everybody was so relieved that it was "just" an ear infection. So dinner did not go quite as planned, but we managed to make the best of it, and Tara and I had a nice quiet meal at Fuddruckers. After everyone got home we watched Bull Durham at their house, which put a nice cap on the evening. Nobody had seen it but me, and we're all big baseball fans. Plus, that is a funny comedy and a quality movie, despite Kevin Costner's trademark wooden acting.
Sunday we all went to see The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian in the afternoon, and then watched the first part of the Yankees-Mets subway series game that evening. It was pouring rain most of the day, so the only other thing I did was buy some books at Borders - one on buying a house and also Stephanie Meyer's vampire tale Twilight, which Bug has highly recommended.
That's all for now - I'm looking forward to a nice, long holiday weekend.
Friday night I watched Balls of Fury on my big screen alone, which is probably a good thing because it was the most un-funny comedy I've seen in a long time. I had such high hopes for it because Christopher Walken is in it (Bee's favorite actor) and ping pong is, of course, in my blood.
I used to be a pretty serious ping pong, or table tennis, player. We had a table in a dedicated play room above our garage in the house I grew up in, and we'd host ping pong parties every Friday for years. All the men would play upstairs while the women would sit around the table and socialize. Except for this one woman who was a good player and looked very butch. I think I overheard my parents say that she had a hormone imbalance that caused her to be more masculine - in any case, she would usually play with the men instead of hanging out with the women. But anyway - Balls of Fury - just take a pass on this one.
Saturday was a busy and interesting day. I started by going to the doctor for extra allergy shots since it's allergy season, and then stopping by the pharmacy for my pills. Then I drove into the city to meet up with a pagan group I joined on Meetup.com - they were going to meet on the steps of the American Museum of Natural History. Since I have a museum membership, it was the perfect time to meet the group in person for the first time. Unfortunately, whoever showed up didn't see or recognize me, so we missed each other. Apparently my "witch-dar" is as bad as my "gay-dar" because I didn't recognize anyone on the steps who look remotely like the people I was trying to meet up with.
Since I didn't meet my group, I just walked around a street fair that was happening at the back of the museum and waited until my next meeting, which I'd arranged to meet a couple that I'd connected with through my poly group, Alex and Michelle. We met outside the museum and went to Uno's for a late lunch. They are exploring opening their relationship to poly, and we had a nice talk about my background and the challenges of being poly. Unfortunately, I didn't take a photo of them for the blog, but maybe I will next time we get together. I will note that Michelle is almost as tall as I am - when she's wearing four-inch heels as she was on Saturday.
Saturday night was not our usual dinner and a movie because Tara's cat got sick and had to go to the emergency room. Tara was freaking out so much that I offered to take her to dinner just to get her out of the house and get her mind off what was happening. The cat has had serious health issues so she was afraid for the worst. Everybody was so relieved that it was "just" an ear infection. So dinner did not go quite as planned, but we managed to make the best of it, and Tara and I had a nice quiet meal at Fuddruckers. After everyone got home we watched Bull Durham at their house, which put a nice cap on the evening. Nobody had seen it but me, and we're all big baseball fans. Plus, that is a funny comedy and a quality movie, despite Kevin Costner's trademark wooden acting.
Sunday we all went to see The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian in the afternoon, and then watched the first part of the Yankees-Mets subway series game that evening. It was pouring rain most of the day, so the only other thing I did was buy some books at Borders - one on buying a house and also Stephanie Meyer's vampire tale Twilight, which Bug has highly recommended.
That's all for now - I'm looking forward to a nice, long holiday weekend.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Go west, young men!
Good news out of California today - the state Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage equality for gays, making it the second state in the U.S. (besides Massachussetts) to allow legal gay marriage.
California Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Marriage Equality!
Here's a statement from the email from GLAD:
The California court affirmed what we already know: that a society pledged to equality and fairness simply cannot deny same-sex couples access to the respect and security that marriage provides.
The Goodridge decision in Massachusetts broke a historic barrier and forever changed the standard by which all future efforts to treat LGBT citizens fairly will be judged. This decision solidifies that victory and we congratulate our colleagues at NCLR, Lambda Legal and the ACLU.
All eyes now turn to Connecticut where a decision could come out any day. California signals a rising tide of equality and other victories are within reach. GLAD is working with our New England Marriage Campaign allies to bring full and equal marriage to every state in New England.
We need your help. The momentum from this win will give a huge boost to GLAD's New England Marriage Campaign. Your generous gift of $35, $50, $100 or as much as you can give will keep marriage moving forward.
Give now, so the next state can join the fold!
I know, I'm not the biggest fan of marriage, but good news nevertheless for all my GLBT friends who might want to tie the knot someday.
California Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Marriage Equality!
Here's a statement from the email from GLAD:
The California court affirmed what we already know: that a society pledged to equality and fairness simply cannot deny same-sex couples access to the respect and security that marriage provides.
The Goodridge decision in Massachusetts broke a historic barrier and forever changed the standard by which all future efforts to treat LGBT citizens fairly will be judged. This decision solidifies that victory and we congratulate our colleagues at NCLR, Lambda Legal and the ACLU.
All eyes now turn to Connecticut where a decision could come out any day. California signals a rising tide of equality and other victories are within reach. GLAD is working with our New England Marriage Campaign allies to bring full and equal marriage to every state in New England.
We need your help. The momentum from this win will give a huge boost to GLAD's New England Marriage Campaign. Your generous gift of $35, $50, $100 or as much as you can give will keep marriage moving forward.
Give now, so the next state can join the fold!
I know, I'm not the biggest fan of marriage, but good news nevertheless for all my GLBT friends who might want to tie the knot someday.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Neti pot
Here is an interesting article in the New York Times on using a neti pot, something that Bee got me into and has become a fairly regular part of my bedtime routine, especially with allergy season in full swing.
"Short, Stout, Has a Handle on Colds" - Jan. 3, 2008
Not much else to talk about today. I stayed home last night and spent time in my gym downstairs, then cooked a huge pot of Indian chicken and onions in a stew to be served over rice. Then took out all the garbage and picked up a comforter someone was throwing away (it hadn't been thrown in the compactor yet) and washed it for use in Yoshi. Sometimes the girls get cold on long trips when Tara blasts the air conditioning.
Tonight I have my second meeting of poly women at a park downtown, and we couldn't have asked for better weather. I'm just a little worried about being too cold, since I only have a denim jacket, but I'm sure I'll manage.
"Short, Stout, Has a Handle on Colds" - Jan. 3, 2008
Not much else to talk about today. I stayed home last night and spent time in my gym downstairs, then cooked a huge pot of Indian chicken and onions in a stew to be served over rice. Then took out all the garbage and picked up a comforter someone was throwing away (it hadn't been thrown in the compactor yet) and washed it for use in Yoshi. Sometimes the girls get cold on long trips when Tara blasts the air conditioning.
Tonight I have my second meeting of poly women at a park downtown, and we couldn't have asked for better weather. I'm just a little worried about being too cold, since I only have a denim jacket, but I'm sure I'll manage.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Attitude adjustments
I was reading this article in the New York Times about the sex-segregation in Saudi Arabia:
"Love on Girl's Side of the Saudi Divide" - May 13, 2008
One thing about reading an article like this is the challenge of thinking about this in an open-minded and non-judgmental way, the same way I ask people to think about my life as a polyamorous, pansexual pagan. And at some level, I understand that a society's religious beliefs direct such extreme (to modern-day Western eyes) practices, and if we turned it around and looked at our own culture from their eyes, we might feel their disgust at the constant barrage of sexual advertising and the high sex crime rates that could be somewhat linked to the permissiveness of our society.
A couple thoughts I had when I read about young Saudi men beaming pictures and messages via Bluetooth to any available female's cell phone in range: one, the thought that if men weren't such horndogs in general, there would be less need for such extreme measures to "protect" them from female charms; and two, that part of me would love to have some protection from such men in our society; and three, that instead of limiting the freedom of the men to keep them away from women, it's the women who are forced to curtail their freedoms, since the men are obviously unable to control their baser instincts.
It also seems a little odd that in a country that has such latitude in punishment options (as opposed to the U.S., where it's basically limited to prison, fines and community service) that the Saudis don't just enforce good behavior on the part of men toward women. For example, any man convicted of a sex crime could be chemically castrated with androcur. It seems a lot more humane than stoning women who have unacceptable contact with men, whether they were willing participants or not.
Of course, my attitudes are informed by the basic assumption that males and females have intrinsically equal rights, and that's not the case everywhere (or anywhere, as some might argue). So while I can't agree with, or even fully understand cultural practices like the Muslim way of sex-segregation, it does illustrate the challenge of understanding someone else's practices when your core beliefs are not the same, such as why the Catholics can't abide homosexuality and why most people can't tolerate polyamory.
"Love on Girl's Side of the Saudi Divide" - May 13, 2008
One thing about reading an article like this is the challenge of thinking about this in an open-minded and non-judgmental way, the same way I ask people to think about my life as a polyamorous, pansexual pagan. And at some level, I understand that a society's religious beliefs direct such extreme (to modern-day Western eyes) practices, and if we turned it around and looked at our own culture from their eyes, we might feel their disgust at the constant barrage of sexual advertising and the high sex crime rates that could be somewhat linked to the permissiveness of our society.
A couple thoughts I had when I read about young Saudi men beaming pictures and messages via Bluetooth to any available female's cell phone in range: one, the thought that if men weren't such horndogs in general, there would be less need for such extreme measures to "protect" them from female charms; and two, that part of me would love to have some protection from such men in our society; and three, that instead of limiting the freedom of the men to keep them away from women, it's the women who are forced to curtail their freedoms, since the men are obviously unable to control their baser instincts.
It also seems a little odd that in a country that has such latitude in punishment options (as opposed to the U.S., where it's basically limited to prison, fines and community service) that the Saudis don't just enforce good behavior on the part of men toward women. For example, any man convicted of a sex crime could be chemically castrated with androcur. It seems a lot more humane than stoning women who have unacceptable contact with men, whether they were willing participants or not.
Of course, my attitudes are informed by the basic assumption that males and females have intrinsically equal rights, and that's not the case everywhere (or anywhere, as some might argue). So while I can't agree with, or even fully understand cultural practices like the Muslim way of sex-segregation, it does illustrate the challenge of understanding someone else's practices when your core beliefs are not the same, such as why the Catholics can't abide homosexuality and why most people can't tolerate polyamory.
Monday, May 12, 2008
A busy weekend
It was quite a busy weekend for me, and but well balanced with time at home as well. Friday night I took my family out so they could buy new cell phones and then we had dinner at the mall and visited the comic book store, where I got my latest issue of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8.
It was a soggy night, but the morning dawned clear enough for me to go to the Meadowlands flea market with Agnieszka, held each Saturday in the parking lot of Giants stadium. I like to go because there's a bakery that brings artisan bread all the way up from Brooklyn and sells there, so I get bread with olives, proscuttio, or jalapeno pepper and cheddar cheese baked into it. Agnieszka looks for antiques and things she uses for her pin-up photo projects - this week she bought a black velvet hat with a veil and an old-fashioned bellows camera.
In the afternoon Tara and I went into the city to visit MOMA and their Design and the Elastic Mind exhibit once more before it closes. Then we were going to take the subway downtown to see a gallery showing paintings by Clive Barker, but we sat in the station for almost an hour before figuring out that the V line was not running that day. So we had to walk to Rockefeller Center to get on the F train to get down there, but the reward was that once we got there, we were the only ones in the gallery, so we were able to take some nice pictures of the paintings without crowd interference. Here's a couple examples of the paintings:
After seeing the paintings we came back home and met up with Bee and Bug at my place for Saturday night dinner and movies, looking at the pictures we took today, and listening to In the Name of Love: Africa Celebrates U2.
Sunday was Mother's Day, and since Tara and I don't celebrate these kinds of holidays (e.g. Easter) with our respective birth families, we spent the afternoon together in my bed having incredible sex, since she's mostly recovered from her food poisoning. Afterwards we went to Costco to get some food, and she wanted to go home, but I was being a little emotional about letting her go, which made things a bit uncomfortable. Fortunately, once everyone got home, we decided to go out and see The Forbidden Kingdom, the martial arts film which was directed by Rob Minkoff (probably best known as a co-director of Disney's The Lion King). It was actually a much better movie than most of the ones I see in the genre in terms of story, but doesn't approach the visual artistry of movies like House of Flying Daggers and Hero.
Back to work today - bleh.
It was a soggy night, but the morning dawned clear enough for me to go to the Meadowlands flea market with Agnieszka, held each Saturday in the parking lot of Giants stadium. I like to go because there's a bakery that brings artisan bread all the way up from Brooklyn and sells there, so I get bread with olives, proscuttio, or jalapeno pepper and cheddar cheese baked into it. Agnieszka looks for antiques and things she uses for her pin-up photo projects - this week she bought a black velvet hat with a veil and an old-fashioned bellows camera.
In the afternoon Tara and I went into the city to visit MOMA and their Design and the Elastic Mind exhibit once more before it closes. Then we were going to take the subway downtown to see a gallery showing paintings by Clive Barker, but we sat in the station for almost an hour before figuring out that the V line was not running that day. So we had to walk to Rockefeller Center to get on the F train to get down there, but the reward was that once we got there, we were the only ones in the gallery, so we were able to take some nice pictures of the paintings without crowd interference. Here's a couple examples of the paintings:
After seeing the paintings we came back home and met up with Bee and Bug at my place for Saturday night dinner and movies, looking at the pictures we took today, and listening to In the Name of Love: Africa Celebrates U2.
Sunday was Mother's Day, and since Tara and I don't celebrate these kinds of holidays (e.g. Easter) with our respective birth families, we spent the afternoon together in my bed having incredible sex, since she's mostly recovered from her food poisoning. Afterwards we went to Costco to get some food, and she wanted to go home, but I was being a little emotional about letting her go, which made things a bit uncomfortable. Fortunately, once everyone got home, we decided to go out and see The Forbidden Kingdom, the martial arts film which was directed by Rob Minkoff (probably best known as a co-director of Disney's The Lion King). It was actually a much better movie than most of the ones I see in the genre in terms of story, but doesn't approach the visual artistry of movies like House of Flying Daggers and Hero.
Back to work today - bleh.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Mid-week recap
I got all dressed up in my suit for court today, and the judge canceled the hearing, so I have some time to blog at work. I really need to get a lighter suit, because it's getting hot these days (not by Houston standards, but they rarely wear suits down there) and I think I'll be going to court quite a bit in the next several months for my high-profile client.
Monday night Tara and I had our usual private time, which I've been sorely missing since she's been sick. We still couldn't do all the things we usually do because of her physical condition, but it was fun nevertheless. We also watched an old movie that I recently bought on DVD, Flash Gordon, something we both knew from our younger days. Some of you may know the theme song sung by Queen (FLASH!! AH-AHHHH! is all I'm going to say, because the rest of the lyrics are too silly to see in print). So yes, we reveled in our girly geekiness for one night, although Tara thought I was doing a nice Princess Aura imitation because I was molesting her on the couch while she was trying to watch the movie.
Tuesday a girl named Michelle contacted me online through one of my poly groups and we started an email conversation about poly. Her boyfriend is poly and she's trying to learn more about it. They live in Brooklyn, where I have a couple other friends that I don't get to see enough, so maybe someday I'll spend a weekend there visiting everybody.
After work, I met my friend Lori at the library and we hung out and talked while she ripped library CDs to her laptop computer. I also checked out Volume 3 of Strangers in Paradise, a comic strip set in Houston that revolves around the relationships of two girls and a guy in a love triangle (at least that's the way it appears at the moment because I haven't read the whole series). The whole concept of the love triangle takes on a whole new meaning when viewed through a poly lens. At one point, a character screams, "Why can't I have both of you?" and of course, I'm thinking, "You can!" It all depends on whether you measure love by how exclusively you experience it, or by some other measure (like whether the person is making you happy or not).
Anyway, I'm off to get some lunch, and perhaps get my nails done. Enjoy the day everybody!
Monday, May 05, 2008
Iron Man
I had a lovely time with my family this weekend, the best we've had in quite a while, actually. It didn't start off that well. Friday I felt like I was coming down with a cold, so I took off work early and came home for a nap that turned into an early bedtime. I went to sleep at 8 p.m. and work up at 4:30 a.m., which caused Tara some concern because I missed our usual goodnight call. I also skipped dinner, my evening dosage of meds and washing the makeup off my face. But the extra rest probably did me good, because I'm fully recovered now.
Saturday we went into the city for Free Comic Book Day, an annual tradition at Midtown Comics. We stood in line for about an hour before we were allowed up to the store and were each handed a bag of 40+ free comics and a little plastic Iron Man toy. I also bought a Justice League graphic novel called The Lightning Saga, and volume 2 of the Lucifer books written by Mike Carey, just to support the free comic effort. Bee couldn't come because of work, so we stopped by our local comic store in New Jersey to pick up another bag for her before coming home.
Afterward I ran my errands and watched some baseball with Tara because my tailor screwed up and didn't have a skirt alteration ready when it was supposed to be. Later in the evening, we had our regular Saturday night dinner and movie, which we all seemed to barely make it through because we were all tired for one reason or another.
Sunday I not only slept in late, but also took a midday nap so I was fresh to see Iron Man at the theater with my family. We've all been waiting eagerly for this first big superhero movie of the summer, and it did not disappoint. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, I'll just say one thing - make sure you stay for the end past the credits. There is a key scene tacked on that elicited loud squeals of geekdom from all the fanboys and fangirls (especially Tara) left in the theater.
After the movie, my family dropped me off and I was deciding what to do with the rest of the evening when they called me and invited me over to barbeque, our first backyard grilling of the year. I brought over my last remaining salmon burger and grilled that with Indian hot lime relish on top - yummy! Bee also tried my stuffed grape leaves and didn't like them, but enjoyed the guacamole-flavored tortilla chips I also brought. Bug made some beans, and she and Bee had their veggie burgers and veggie dogs, while Tara had her usual hot dogs and shared one with me. Afterwards, Bug went grocery shopping, and Bee, Tara and I sat on the couch and read our books quietly until it was time for me to go home.
Unfortunately, Tara has been having a relapse of her salmonella poisoning and hasn't been doing very well. We've been trying to get her to go to the doctor, but she has steadfastly refused so far. We'll try to have a quiet date night tonight and not get too active, so hopefully she can continue to get her rest and make a full recovery soon.
Saturday we went into the city for Free Comic Book Day, an annual tradition at Midtown Comics. We stood in line for about an hour before we were allowed up to the store and were each handed a bag of 40+ free comics and a little plastic Iron Man toy. I also bought a Justice League graphic novel called The Lightning Saga, and volume 2 of the Lucifer books written by Mike Carey, just to support the free comic effort. Bee couldn't come because of work, so we stopped by our local comic store in New Jersey to pick up another bag for her before coming home.
Afterward I ran my errands and watched some baseball with Tara because my tailor screwed up and didn't have a skirt alteration ready when it was supposed to be. Later in the evening, we had our regular Saturday night dinner and movie, which we all seemed to barely make it through because we were all tired for one reason or another.
Sunday I not only slept in late, but also took a midday nap so I was fresh to see Iron Man at the theater with my family. We've all been waiting eagerly for this first big superhero movie of the summer, and it did not disappoint. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, I'll just say one thing - make sure you stay for the end past the credits. There is a key scene tacked on that elicited loud squeals of geekdom from all the fanboys and fangirls (especially Tara) left in the theater.
After the movie, my family dropped me off and I was deciding what to do with the rest of the evening when they called me and invited me over to barbeque, our first backyard grilling of the year. I brought over my last remaining salmon burger and grilled that with Indian hot lime relish on top - yummy! Bee also tried my stuffed grape leaves and didn't like them, but enjoyed the guacamole-flavored tortilla chips I also brought. Bug made some beans, and she and Bee had their veggie burgers and veggie dogs, while Tara had her usual hot dogs and shared one with me. Afterwards, Bug went grocery shopping, and Bee, Tara and I sat on the couch and read our books quietly until it was time for me to go home.
Unfortunately, Tara has been having a relapse of her salmonella poisoning and hasn't been doing very well. We've been trying to get her to go to the doctor, but she has steadfastly refused so far. We'll try to have a quiet date night tonight and not get too active, so hopefully she can continue to get her rest and make a full recovery soon.
