Friday, June 06, 2008

Relationship issues

I found this article in my poly reading this morning that I'd like to share, from the Telegraph newspaper in the UK:

"Four better or four worse for marriage of four" - June 6, 2008

At the end of the article there are some very insightful comments from prominent polyamorist Deborah Taj Anapol, author of "The New Love Without Limits," and the co-founder of "Loving More Magazine." She says if you're interested in pursuing polyamory, the first step is to have an open and honest discussion with your current partner about the possibility. If you can't get that far, she advised, stay monogamous.

"Polyamory to me is really a spiritual path," she said. "It's a tremendous growth opportunity. It will show you very very quickly any area where you're insecure. Any old wounds that you have will come to the surface, any weak spots in your relationship will come forward. Basically polyamory will show more quickly than just about anything else all the unfinished business you have in your life."
I think about this because yesterday Tara and I had one of our most open and relaxed talks about the future and other "serious" issues in a long time. We talked about the housing issue and the possibility of living together someday. We confirmed what I had pretty much concluded on my own, that it was unlikely we would ever share a home unless one of two things happened. Either there has to be significant changes in attitude among each and all of them (after all, this is mostly my idea) or they would have to be forced to leave their current house (hopefully in a less destructive way than they left their last house). So barring either of these unexpected turns of events, I'm planning on living alone for the foreseeable future, which is not my preference. But living alone is certainly preferable to living with the wrong person or living with people for the wrong reasons, so I accept that.

So to update the jury service situation - the sexual assault case was resolved without the need for a trial, so they sent all the jurors home early on Thursday, and that concludes my three days of jury service. I'm home free for at least the next three years, but I'll be happy if I'm never picked again in my life. I wish I knew how you got into the jury pool so I could avoid entering in the first place. But I think it's some combination of paying taxes, having a driver's license, owning a car or a home, and registering to vote that does it, and the only thing I plan on never doing is voting, so I'm probably screwed.

Since I got to go home early, I went to pick up Tara for lunch at a diner before coming back to my place and tearing each other's clothes off as soon as we got in the door. We rarely go more than two days without seeing each other, and we hadn't seen each other since Monday night. We spent about the next four hours in bed making love and dozing off in each other's arms, the bedroom flooded with the afternoon sunlight - it was wonderful. Eventually it was time to move the molecules as I wanted to buy some books to replace those I read while serving my jury duty. So we went to Borders and to Barnes & Noble in Paramus, and I bought three more graphic novels. We also had our nice talk about our relationship and came to some new understandings that I felt were minor breakthroughs for us. Perhaps it will lead to the more open and relaxed conversations about the serious issues that are necessary to keep the drama and negative feelings at bay.