Beach time

It's a quiet Friday at work, so time to blog. It's been quite an interesting week, actually, following Monday's night's poly women's meeting. Since I had that meeting Monday, and Mondays (and now Thursdays) are usually my date nights with Tara, Bee was gracious enough to switch her yoga night with me so I could have Tuesday night this week instead. So Tuesday Tara and I went to dinner at the local diner, where I had a very nice shrimp and scallop pasta with vodka sauce and Tara had her usual breakfast. We talked about a lot of serious topics, which is fine, but probably was a factor into how the rest of the evening went.

While we were having dinner, a huge thunderstorm rolled through and we had to drive back to my place through one of the worst lightning storms I've ever seen, and I used to live in Tornado Alley. We made it home and started fooling around in bed as we usually do, and we were both getting turned on when I asked her a question with a serious undertone that totally deflated the mood. After that, we just talked and continued to cuddle, but she wasn't into it and left early. Nobody was angry, but she was disappointed. I'm still learning the subtleties of how differently we communicate.

Luckily, we did not have to wait until Thursday to get back on track. I woke up Wednesday and the radio announcer said my train had been disabled by the thunderstorm. Normally when trains aren't working they provide buses instead, so I went at my usual early hour to the station and found that buses weren't running either, so I had to take a personal day off. I went shopping at Macy's one-day sale (since they opened at 8 a.m. and I was hoping to go anyway, just not be the first person in the door like I was) and spent about $100 on several tops and skirts. Then I went home, had breakfast, watched some TV and settled into bed with my newest Stephanie Meyer book, "New Moon" (which I finished yesterday). I had let Tara know I was home, but since Wednesdays are usually Bee's reserved days with Tara, I wasn't expecting to see her again. So I was a little surprised and very grateful when Tara called and told me Bee wanted to share her day and make it a group thing by going to the beach.





We packed our towels and beach umbrella into Yoshi and had a nice 90 minute drive down to the Jersey shore to one of the loveliest beaches I've ever seen. I've never been to the Caribbean or Fiji or any of the really nice beaches (except Hawaii, I've been there) so my standards for beaches are admittedly pretty low. Despite the cool temperature of the water, made colder by some strong currents that brought even colder water from deeper depths, we had a great time swimming in the waves and body surfing with our boogie boards. I scraped up my leg a little when I rode a wave all the way up the sand and through a bed of broken clamshell pieces, drawing a little blood (but luckily not enough to attract the sharks). Bee did her yoga on the beach while Tara and I read our books in the fading sunlight of the afternoon. When it was time for dinner, we stopped at McDonalds for a vanilla shake, Boston Market for Bee's veggie plate, White Castle for my mini hamburgers and Burger King for Tara's hamburgers so that everybody got exactly what they wanted. Fortunately, all four restaurants were within a few hundred feet of each other.

And then last night Tara and I got a chance for a do-over of Tuesday, and we spent an intimate evening at home making love and snuggling in bed, followed by a late snack of frosted flakes while watching the Yankees game and cuddling on the couch. As many times as we've done this, it was probably one of our best nights together, free of drama and "serious" talks or thoughts about the future. Just goes to show - love is what makes the present a perfect place to be.

Poly meeting

I had a nice meeting with my women's poly group last night. Because of the heat, we met in our rain location, the West Side YMCA, where one of our members is an administrator and booked us a conference room. I enjoy the opportunity to talk through things and get some new perspectives in a supportive environment once in a while - plus it's just nice to know there are other people out there who believe that we humans can be in loving, committed relationships with more than one person at a time. It makes my world feel just a little less small-minded.

So I found this dictionary of poly terms on one of my poly blogs that I read, and I thought this entry was super-interesting:

Line Marriage n : a term from the works of Robert A. Heinlein, science fiction writer, meaning a marriage that from time to time adds younger members, eventually establishing an equilibrium population, spouses dying off at the same rate as new ones are added, this is a different form of familial immortality than the traditional one of successive generations of children

It's quite a radical concept of course, and probably not my cup of tea, but I wonder if for some people (maybe for all of us a little) is marriage a way for human beings to claim a small piece of immortality? With the traditional marriage, we pass on our genetic material to our offspring and they might be fruitful and multiply, and so a part of us in the complex DNA code lives on. My birth family, for example, can trace its ancestry back over 600 years, or something like that. Chinese tend to keep exceptional detailed records in that respect.

On the other hand, for people who don't want children, how can they achieve a piece of immortality? Of course if you're rich, you can build a college or a hospital, something that you will be remembered for. But for those of limited means, perhaps this is another way, to build a family that doesn't rely on having children, and yet can grow into something that outlives any individual member. A seed that, watered with lifetimes of love and commitment, becomes a tree that shelters many for a long, long time.

I'm not sure I really buy into this idea either though. My father once told me that personal happiness was about growing old with your family and generations of offspring around you when you die. Of course, in Asian culture that respects elders, family and longevity, this makes perfect sense. Time is also very important in this culture, evidenced by the fact the Chinese calendar predates the Roman calendar by many centuries, and the aforementioned emphasis on generational history.

I guess when it comes down to it, I'm not all that interested in immortality, at least in the material sense. I don't want monuments over my grave, or a big crowd of mourners at my funeral. I'm only interested in living in the here and now, and not for the future. And being Pagan, I don't believe it all ends at death anyway.

Heat wave

Just a quick post before I need to get my timesheet done for last week. My company is having a contest where everyone who gets all their June timesheets in on time (by noon on Mondays) gets entered into a drawing for tickets to the Fan Fest and the Home Run Derby Contest that will take place during MLB's "All Star Week" in July at Yankee Stadium. Since I know it would be a dream come true for my family to go to this event, I'm going to try extra-hard to have a shot at this.

Friday night we went out for a late showing of The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, our second viewing of this movie. We weren't all that keen on watching any of the new movies this week, like Kung Fu Panda or You Don't Mess With the Zohan. Saturday the heat wave came, and I tried to get my errands done early to avoid the soaring temperatures. Poor Bee was out working in the 90-degree weather all day, so everyone came over early to jump in the pool (except Bug) before dinner, then we watched our second half of the Mummy series, The Mummy Returns. We are now ready for the third installment in theaters this August.

Relationship issues

I found this article in my poly reading this morning that I'd like to share, from the Telegraph newspaper in the UK:

"Four better or four worse for marriage of four" - June 6, 2008

At the end of the article there are some very insightful comments from prominent polyamorist Deborah Taj Anapol, author of "The New Love Without Limits," and the co-founder of "Loving More Magazine." She says if you're interested in pursuing polyamory, the first step is to have an open and honest discussion with your current partner about the possibility. If you can't get that far, she advised, stay monogamous.

"Polyamory to me is really a spiritual path," she said. "It's a tremendous growth opportunity. It will show you very very quickly any area where you're insecure. Any old wounds that you have will come to the surface, any weak spots in your relationship will come forward. Basically polyamory will show more quickly than just about anything else all the unfinished business you have in your life."

I think about this because yesterday Tara and I had one of our most open and relaxed talks about the future and other "serious" issues in a long time. We talked about the housing issue and the possibility of living together someday. We confirmed what I had pretty much concluded on my own, that it was unlikely we would ever share a home unless one of two things happened. Either there has to be significant changes in attitude among each and all of them (after all, this is mostly my idea) or they would have to be forced to leave their current house (hopefully in a less destructive way than they left their last house). So barring either of these unexpected turns of events, I'm planning on living alone for the foreseeable future, which is not my preference. But living alone is certainly preferable to living with the wrong person or living with people for the wrong reasons, so I accept that.

So to update the jury service situation - the sexual assault case was resolved without the need for a trial, so they sent all the jurors home early on Thursday, and that concludes my three days of jury service. I'm home free for at least the next three years, but I'll be happy if I'm never picked again in my life. I wish I knew how you got into the jury pool so I could avoid entering in the first place. But I think it's some combination of paying taxes, having a driver's license, owning a car or a home, and registering to vote that does it, and the only thing I plan on never doing is voting, so I'm probably screwed.

Since I got to go home early, I went to pick up Tara for lunch at a diner before coming back to my place and tearing each other's clothes off as soon as we got in the door. We rarely go more than two days without seeing each other, and we hadn't seen each other since Monday night. We spent about the next four hours in bed making love and dozing off in each other's arms, the bedroom flooded with the afternoon sunlight - it was wonderful. Eventually it was time to move the molecules as I wanted to buy some books to replace those I read while serving my jury duty. So we went to Borders and to Barnes & Noble in Paramus, and I bought three more graphic novels. We also had our nice talk about our relationship and came to some new understandings that I felt were minor breakthroughs for us. Perhaps it will lead to the more open and relaxed conversations about the serious issues that are necessary to keep the drama and negative feelings at bay.

Day 2 of jury duty

Just a quick update before I head off to bed. The only reason I'm up so late is that I don't have to be in court until 9:30 tomorrow morning, which is really late for me on a regular workday. So I can give everyone a quick rundown of Day 2 of Jury Duty 2008.

At the end of Day 1, I was one of the jurors waiting to be seated for a trial involving an armed robbery suspect. One by one, each juror was called up to be seated in the box, and one by one, they were dismissed by either the prosecutor or the defense counsel. Finally, I was the last potential juror left in the gallery, so when they dismissed one more, I had to go sit in the box and talk to the judge.

He went through the standard questionnaire, like did I know the defendant or the lawyers, and had I ever been a victim of a violent crime. I went through all the basic questions with no problems, but the last question was if I thought the criminal justice system was fair and effective. I said I could not honestly say that it was, based on the large number of overturned convictions due to DNA evidence of people who were innocent but found guilty in our so-called "effective" judicial system. I also thought about the fact that the U.S. has a greater percentage of our population incarcerated than any other first-world nation, and more than many despot nations that we act so morally superior to. Our prison sentences are exceptionally long, and yet it seems like it's not much of a deterrent to crime. I'm not saying I know what the answer is, but I could not honestly say, as all the other jurors already seated did, that the criminal justice system is the best it can be and is fair and effective. So the judge dismissed me.

I went back to the jury summons room - I call it Purgatory because it's basically a large waiting room where you wait for a judge to call for jurors for a particular case. After lunch and a couple hours of waiting, a judge called for about 80 percent of the jurors in the room, including me. When I got to the courtroom, I found out why - the case was that of an aggravated sexual assault of a child under 13 years old. It's going to be a difficult time picking 12 jurors and 2 alternates to try that case. At the end of Day 2, we were just getting through the preliminary rounds of voir dire (Latin for "speak the truth") where people were giving their excuses for why they were not able to serve as a juror for this trial, which could last two weeks or more. Tomorrow morning we'll seat the first 14 jurors in the jury box and start weeding out in earnest.

The whole experience has actually been pretty interesting for me, and of course, I'm making excellent progress on my reading. I completed three graphic novels (Lucifer Vol. 3 and Vol. 4, and Saga of the Swamp Thing) plus I'm up to Chapter 10 in Stephanie Meyer's Twilight. If I don't get chosen for the child rape case, then my service will be done tomorrow and I can resume my normal life on Friday. I'm really apprehensive about the possibility of serving in this trial, not just because of all the work I'd miss, but because of the subject matter. Despite my usually cool exterior, I'm a pretty squeamish person at heart, and I have no wish to get involved in such a horrifying incident.

That's all for now - hope everyone is doing well.

Jury duty

Today I spent the day at the Passaic County Courthouse serving jury duty, an obligation that requires a minimum of three days or one trial, whichever you complete first. It's not a lot of fun - really boring, actually - but in a way it's a nice break from the routine of going to work. The best part is having lots of time to read, and my Blackberry keeps me abreast of any serious issues at work.

The best way I can describe jury duty is that I feel like I'm in high school again, sitting in an uncomfortable chair (a hard wooden pew) listening to someone drone on and on, not being allowed to leave the room until specified breaks, and not being able to eat, drink or use any electronic devices (except the Blackberry, which is easily overlooked since I always have the sound turned completely off). So in a way, even though I'm not doing much of anything, the whole experience is quite enervating, and I feel completely wiped out even though it's not even 10 pm.

So for those of you who have written me lately, don't worry - I will write back soon, but for now, I'm going to bed. Night all!

A quiet weekend

Sometimes the smallest things can be very special when it comes to being with the ones we love. Saturday morning I slept in late, and Tara came over while I was still in bed. She buzzed my phone so I could let her in the front door, entered my apartment with her key, and crawled into bed with me. Given the fact that we have spent the night together in the same bed only once before (and that was either a year or two ago, I can't remember precisely) this was a nice treat to wake up on a weekend morning with my mate in bed with me, even if she did had to drive over to be there.

Friday afternoon I got a haircut for the first time since November. My hair grows really slowly, so length wasn't a problem, but it was starting to lose its shape and texture because of the weight. I go to a guy named Edison in Chinatown who was recommended by a co-worker, and he does a really fine job. Plus, he's a super-nice guy, and rather good-looking, although way too young for me (he's 23, I think). But he spends a lot of time on my hair, and does a very nice job making my hair look the best it can. Because of the way my hair grows, I don't have a lot of style options, but it feels nice to have some layers and texture back in my hair. Sometimes you just have to trust an Asian person to cut Asian hair.

Saturday afternoon after Tara and I got out of bed we went to Costco, looking for a new television to replace the one that I smashed several months ago. We looked at a couple of contenders, a Philips, a Vizio and a Panasonic plasma TV, and decided on the Philips LCD. Unfortunately, the last one in the box had just been taken by another shopper (I saw them taking it, but figured there must be more in the store). When the clerk said that was the last one and they were sold out, I half-decided that I should just give up and stick with my broken Vizio (it's still watchable, but about 15 percent of the screen at the bottom right is blanked out). But Tara said we should check with the other Costcos nearby, so we went over to customer service to inquire stock at the other store about 15 miles away.

When we got to the customer service area, I spotted one of the Philips TVs on a cart, new in the box. I quickly inquired if it was being held for someone, or if it was a return waiting to go back to stock. The clerk asked another employee, who looked at me and said, "take it!" so we did. Apparently someone bought the TV and got buyer's remorse or something and returned it without opening it, so we managed to snag the last TV in the store. It's a Philips 42-inch LCD with 1080p resolution and four HDMI inputs, for you tech heads out there. We brought it home and installed it behind my drop-down movie screen and moved the damaged Vizio to the bedroom, which replaced a 20-inch CRT unit that came with my apartment's furniture.

Speaking of furniture, on Thursday I finally found a nice footrest for the living room, a long, low padded footrest suitable for me, Bee and Tara to rest our feet on during movies (Bug sits on the loveseat). What I like about it is that it's not a straight rectangle, but a curvy rectangle, which gives it an organic, feminine feel. Plus the upholstery is a neutral beige with a subtle floral embroidery and dark wooden legs that matches well with my existing furniture. With this, my new full-length mirror and the new TV, I feel like I'm done nesting with this apartment and probably won't make any other major furniture/electronics purchases until I move into a house, perhaps next year.

Saturday night all the girls came over to coo over the new TV, and admire the hyper-realistic 1080p HD picture of the Yankees baseball game. We had a nice dinner together and watched The Mummy on the front-projection big screen, followed by a re-run of Saturday Night Live. Sunday I went out to run some errands, and met Bee and Tara back at my place so we could go swimming for the first time this year. The water was really cold, despite the warm sun, and we spent some time back and forth in the hot tub.

Afterwards, we had watermelon before Bee left to attend a yoga meeting, so Tara helped me take out all my trash, including the big TV box that I'd filled with garbage, then we went back to her place to eat an early dinner and watch the baseball game she had DVRed earlier in the afternoon. I dozed off on the couch while Bug wandered in and out of the living room from her newly renovated studio. After the game and when Bee got home, they did a little gardening and Bee, Tara and I went out to the Dairy Queen for ice cream. I haven't had a dipped cone in many years, and it was as good as I remember from my childhood.

All in all, this was a very nice weekend for everyone, probably the best in a few months. We didn't really do anything special, but what we did do, we did well and with peaceful intention. We didn't need to talk about the big things, or the heavy issues. We just tried to cultivate a healthy, quiet space where everyone could enjoy each other's company and still do what we wanted to do individually. That, in a nutshell, is what our family is all about.

Curry recipe

I'm rather proud of the curry chicken and onion dish I made last night. I think it's my best ever, sort of a fusion of Indian, Thai and Malaysian influences.

Here's the recipe that I made up - it's not very exact.

Ingredients:
4-5 large onions, cut into eighths
2 1/2 pounds of chicken, cut into bite-size pieces
16 oz. jar of Indian curry cooking sauce
12 oz. can of chicken stock
4 tablespoons of chopped garlic
6-8 jalapeno peppers, sliced
2 large limes, quartered and squeezed
2 tablespoons of Indian lime pickle (or relish, as it's sometimes called)
1 tablespoon of sambal oelek
1 tablespoon dried red pepper flakes
Coarse sea salt to taste
Olive oil

In a large saucepan on high heat, heat the olive oil and saute the garlic and onions until translucent. In a large pot, heat the curry sauce and chicken stock until simmering, add the chicken and boil for 10-12 minutes until just cooked. Add the onions and garlic, limes and juice of the limes, jalapeno peppers, lime relish, sambal oelek, red pepper flakes and sea salt to taste. Stir over heat until thoroughly mixed and serve over white rice. Serves 8-10.

I'm also enjoying a little renaissance of 80's music, especially of the electronic variety. I downloaded some New Order songs like "Bizarre Love Triangle (remix)" and "Shellshock", and I was lucky to find the Pet Shop Boys' album Very in the used bin at CD World last week. Listen to this glowing review from Amazon.com:

Ask people what their favorite Pet Shop Boys album is, and their answers will vary--but ask people what the most important Pet Shop Boys album is, and 9 out of 10 West End girls will say Very. The snide ambiguities that churned behind prior PSB posturings were ripped away on this release, with Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe finally pulling more than punches. Self-awareness is one of the major themes on Very, with "Yesterday When I Was Mad," showing the band could send up themselves as well as their friends and lovers; meanwhile, "I Wouldn't Normally Do This Type of Thing" both carries one of the Boys' best melody lines and serves as one of their most literal confessions. There's also a more threatening, foreboding tone to the record as set by the opening "Can You Forgive Her" and the closing Village People cover, "Go West." Originally an anthem leading gay men to San Francisco's promised land, the Pet Shop Boys' version is delivered from the beleaguered trenches in the war against AIDS. The results are as ominous as they are brilliant. -- Steve Gdula

This is one seriously fun album, with some of the most melodic electronic music to come out of the 80s, in my opinion. If nothing else, can anyone name another band that has been able to cover a tune by the Village People and not make total fools of themselves? Case closed - it's currently on the heavy rotation list on my iPod.

Deciding to decide

I've been thinking a lot about my last post about my poly anniversary. After I wrote it Sunday morning, Tara came over and we had a long, sometimes difficult talk about the events of June and July 2007, specifically regarding the breakup of our triad. Our talk ended well, and we ended up having a decent evening. I took her and Bee to the diner and we had a nice meal (a wonderful seafood paella for me) and then we went to see Speed Racer at the movie theater, which was a lot better than the box office grosses would suggest.

What I've been thinking about since Sunday is how to get past that breakup, which still has repercussions for Tara and to a lesser degree for Bee and Bug, although I never actually had a chance to address what happened with either of them directly. And what I've come to realize is that the events of last year really could not have happened any other way. We were not ready to be a poly family back then, and frankly, we have a lot of work to do yet, if we even decide we want that anymore.

But back in 2007, I had just suffered my second fire in less than two years, plus I was only six months recovered from major surgery. When the fire happened in March, I stayed with my family for a week until I could get a new apartment and start rebuilding my home. Despite this, I was growing increasingly distant from Tara because of the secrecy surrounding our relationship, and her own issues at home. Then in May, everything changed when she told Bee and Bug what was going on between us, that we were in love and having an intimate physical relationship. That month was also the first time Tara and I made love, and a first time ever for me in some ways.

It was two weeks later in the midst of all this upheaval when the poly relationship started, before any of us even really knew what polyamory was, or whether we truly wanted it or not. Looking back, I can say with all certainty that a poly relationship started under these circumstances, and among people who have never heard the word "polyamory" before, has no right to be a successful one.

What I've also come to realize is that, as goal-oriented as I am usually perceived as being, I have never actually stated my intentions with Tara. Part of the reason is her dislike of such declarations, but what I now understand is that in our situation, when the typical fairy tale ending simply isn't an option and therefore cannot be the expected default outcome, without such a declaration of love and commitment, there is too much uncertainty in the relationship to avoid constant vertigo and drama outbreaks.

So last night I told her there are two facts about us that we both agree on. First is that we are both very much in love with each other. Second is that, despite our efforts in the past, we are incapable of being just platonic friends. If we accept these two facts as truth, then the only thing that remains is to decide what to do about it, given our current situation. And last night I told her I had made the decision to figure out what to do about these two facts being true, and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to decide how I want our relationship to look like, and propose (it) to her.

I'm not expecting this to be a simple "yes-no" like a marriage proposal, because it's not just about the two of us, and there will probably be some details I'd bring up that will need to be talked about and agreed upon. But the point is, if our love is as strong as we say it is, and if we truly want to be together in the long term, affirming our commitment publicly and taking the option of abandonment off the table will go a long way toward building a more solid foundation for whatever comes later. Speaking only for myself, as much as I love Tara, it's time for me to get serious and stop pretending like I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Poly anniversary

There are some anniversaries that should be celebrated that are universally positive, like birthdays and first kisses and such. Other anniversaries are less about celebrating than about marking the passage of time and the changes in our lives. Today is one of the latter.

One year ago on Memorial Day weekend, Bee, Tara and I made love together for the first time and started our poly triad relationship that lasted for six weeks in 2007. Today, we form what is called a "V" in poly parlance, where Tara has separate relationships with both myself and Bee, but we don't talk about intimacy outside of those one-on-one connections.

I still remember that first night with the three of us, when we stayed up into the wee hours of the morning, all talking together, and naturally progressing to touching, kissing and eventually being intimate together on the living room floor. I think I remember leaving their house at around 5 a.m., with the sky just starting to get light from the dawn.

And the truth is, I don't really think about the sex too often, because Tara and I still have wonderful sex regularly and we are learning more each week about how to please each other. I'm a lot more comfortable emotionally with sharing my body than I was last year, and more adept at giving and receiving sexual pleasure. But it's easier when there's only one person in the bed because my sexual response seems to be very specific and it's taken months for Tara and I to figure it out together.

What I really miss about being in a poly triad is the communication and openness that seems to have gone missing in my family, at least with me around. I can't fully understand or explain why things have changed in the past 12 months because we've stopped talking about these deep relationship issues since last summer, with the exception of one instance earlier this year when Bee and I were building bookshelves together.

All I know is that no relationship can survive without communication, and repeated disappointments on my part to improve things will cause me to slowly slide into indifference. I am starting to realize that love can be a wonderful and magical thing, but the strength of your love does not necessarily translate into the strength of your relationship with others. Sometimes you can love someone with all your heart, but you can't overcome the very real obstacles that keep you from giving and receiving all you want and need from each other in a relationship. For poly people, we give ourselves the option of not giving up on that kind of love, despite those limitations. But those kinds of relationships are complicated, and not being able to communicate is the equivalent of neglect.

Boring Balls of Fury

Surprisingly, I don't really feel like blogging today, as I'm struggling with some family issues under the surface. But since my family is trying to be more consistent in blogging, far be it for me to drag the ship down, so here goes.

Friday night I watched Balls of Fury on my big screen alone, which is probably a good thing because it was the most un-funny comedy I've seen in a long time. I had such high hopes for it because Christopher Walken is in it (Bee's favorite actor) and ping pong is, of course, in my blood.

I used to be a pretty serious ping pong, or table tennis, player. We had a table in a dedicated play room above our garage in the house I grew up in, and we'd host ping pong parties every Friday for years. All the men would play upstairs while the women would sit around the table and socialize. Except for this one woman who was a good player and looked very butch. I think I overheard my parents say that she had a hormone imbalance that caused her to be more masculine - in any case, she would usually play with the men instead of hanging out with the women. But anyway - Balls of Fury - just take a pass on this one.

Saturday was a busy and interesting day. I started by going to the doctor for extra allergy shots since it's allergy season, and then stopping by the pharmacy for my pills. Then I drove into the city to meet up with a pagan group I joined on Meetup.com - they were going to meet on the steps of the American Museum of Natural History. Since I have a museum membership, it was the perfect time to meet the group in person for the first time. Unfortunately, whoever showed up didn't see or recognize me, so we missed each other. Apparently my "witch-dar" is as bad as my "gay-dar" because I didn't recognize anyone on the steps who look remotely like the people I was trying to meet up with.

Since I didn't meet my group, I just walked around a street fair that was happening at the back of the museum and waited until my next meeting, which I'd arranged to meet a couple that I'd connected with through my poly group, Alex and Michelle. We met outside the museum and went to Uno's for a late lunch. They are exploring opening their relationship to poly, and we had a nice talk about my background and the challenges of being poly. Unfortunately, I didn't take a photo of them for the blog, but maybe I will next time we get together. I will note that Michelle is almost as tall as I am - when she's wearing four-inch heels as she was on Saturday.

Saturday night was not our usual dinner and a movie because Tara's cat got sick and had to go to the emergency room. Tara was freaking out so much that I offered to take her to dinner just to get her out of the house and get her mind off what was happening. The cat has had serious health issues so she was afraid for the worst. Everybody was so relieved that it was "just" an ear infection. So dinner did not go quite as planned, but we managed to make the best of it, and Tara and I had a nice quiet meal at Fuddruckers. After everyone got home we watched Bull Durham at their house, which put a nice cap on the evening. Nobody had seen it but me, and we're all big baseball fans. Plus, that is a funny comedy and a quality movie, despite Kevin Costner's trademark wooden acting.

Sunday we all went to see The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian in the afternoon, and then watched the first part of the Yankees-Mets subway series game that evening. It was pouring rain most of the day, so the only other thing I did was buy some books at Borders - one on buying a house and also Stephanie Meyer's vampire tale Twilight, which Bug has highly recommended.

That's all for now - I'm looking forward to a nice, long holiday weekend.

Go west, young men!

Good news out of California today - the state Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage equality for gays, making it the second state in the U.S. (besides Massachussetts) to allow legal gay marriage.

California Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Marriage Equality!

Here's a statement from the email from GLAD:

The California court affirmed what we already know: that a society pledged to equality and fairness simply cannot deny same-sex couples access to the respect and security that marriage provides.

The Goodridge decision in Massachusetts broke a historic barrier and forever changed the standard by which all future efforts to treat LGBT citizens fairly will be judged. This decision solidifies that victory and we congratulate our colleagues at NCLR, Lambda Legal and the ACLU.
All eyes now turn to Connecticut where a decision could come out any day. California signals a rising tide of equality and other victories are within reach. GLAD is working with our New England Marriage Campaign allies to bring full and equal marriage to every state in New England.

We need your help. The momentum from this win will give a huge boost to GLAD's New England Marriage Campaign. Your generous gift of $35, $50, $100 or as much as you can give will keep marriage moving forward.

Give now, so the next state can join the fold!

I know, I'm not the biggest fan of marriage, but good news nevertheless for all my GLBT friends who might want to tie the knot someday.

Neti pot

Here is an interesting article in the New York Times on using a neti pot, something that Bee got me into and has become a fairly regular part of my bedtime routine, especially with allergy season in full swing.

"Short, Stout, Has a Handle on Colds" - Jan. 3, 2008

Not much else to talk about today. I stayed home last night and spent time in my gym downstairs, then cooked a huge pot of Indian chicken and onions in a stew to be served over rice. Then took out all the garbage and picked up a comforter someone was throwing away (it hadn't been thrown in the compactor yet) and washed it for use in Yoshi. Sometimes the girls get cold on long trips when Tara blasts the air conditioning.

Tonight I have my second meeting of poly women at a park downtown, and we couldn't have asked for better weather. I'm just a little worried about being too cold, since I only have a denim jacket, but I'm sure I'll manage.

Attitude adjustments

I was reading this article in the New York Times about the sex-segregation in Saudi Arabia:

"Love on Girl's Side of the Saudi Divide" - May 13, 2008

One thing about reading an article like this is the challenge of thinking about this in an open-minded and non-judgmental way, the same way I ask people to think about my life as a polyamorous, pansexual pagan. And at some level, I understand that a society's religious beliefs direct such extreme (to modern-day Western eyes) practices, and if we turned it around and looked at our own culture from their eyes, we might feel their disgust at the constant barrage of sexual advertising and the high sex crime rates that could be somewhat linked to the permissiveness of our society.

A couple thoughts I had when I read about young Saudi men beaming pictures and messages via Bluetooth to any available female's cell phone in range: one, the thought that if men weren't such horndogs in general, there would be less need for such extreme measures to "protect" them from female charms; and two, that part of me would love to have some protection from such men in our society; and three, that instead of limiting the freedom of the men to keep them away from women, it's the women who are forced to curtail their freedoms, since the men are obviously unable to control their baser instincts.

It also seems a little odd that in a country that has such latitude in punishment options (as opposed to the U.S., where it's basically limited to prison, fines and community service) that the Saudis don't just enforce good behavior on the part of men toward women. For example, any man convicted of a sex crime could be chemically castrated with androcur. It seems a lot more humane than stoning women who have unacceptable contact with men, whether they were willing participants or not.

Of course, my attitudes are informed by the basic assumption that males and females have intrinsically equal rights, and that's not the case everywhere (or anywhere, as some might argue). So while I can't agree with, or even fully understand cultural practices like the Muslim way of sex-segregation, it does illustrate the challenge of understanding someone else's practices when your core beliefs are not the same, such as why the Catholics can't abide homosexuality and why most people can't tolerate polyamory.

A busy weekend

It was quite a busy weekend for me, and but well balanced with time at home as well. Friday night I took my family out so they could buy new cell phones and then we had dinner at the mall and visited the comic book store, where I got my latest issue of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8.

It was a soggy night, but the morning dawned clear enough for me to go to the Meadowlands flea market with Agnieszka, held each Saturday in the parking lot of Giants stadium. I like to go because there's a bakery that brings artisan bread all the way up from Brooklyn and sells there, so I get bread with olives, proscuttio, or jalapeno pepper and cheddar cheese baked into it. Agnieszka looks for antiques and things she uses for her pin-up photo projects - this week she bought a black velvet hat with a veil and an old-fashioned bellows camera.

In the afternoon Tara and I went into the city to visit MOMA and their Design and the Elastic Mind exhibit once more before it closes. Then we were going to take the subway downtown to see a gallery showing paintings by Clive Barker, but we sat in the station for almost an hour before figuring out that the V line was not running that day. So we had to walk to Rockefeller Center to get on the F train to get down there, but the reward was that once we got there, we were the only ones in the gallery, so we were able to take some nice pictures of the paintings without crowd interference. Here's a couple examples of the paintings:





After seeing the paintings we came back home and met up with Bee and Bug at my place for Saturday night dinner and movies, looking at the pictures we took today, and listening to In the Name of Love: Africa Celebrates U2.

Sunday was Mother's Day, and since Tara and I don't celebrate these kinds of holidays (e.g. Easter) with our respective birth families, we spent the afternoon together in my bed having incredible sex, since she's mostly recovered from her food poisoning. Afterwards we went to Costco to get some food, and she wanted to go home, but I was being a little emotional about letting her go, which made things a bit uncomfortable. Fortunately, once everyone got home, we decided to go out and see The Forbidden Kingdom, the martial arts film which was directed by Rob Minkoff (probably best known as a co-director of Disney's The Lion King). It was actually a much better movie than most of the ones I see in the genre in terms of story, but doesn't approach the visual artistry of movies like House of Flying Daggers and Hero.

Back to work today - bleh.

Mid-week recap

I got all dressed up in my suit for court today, and the judge canceled the hearing, so I have some time to blog at work. I really need to get a lighter suit, because it's getting hot these days (not by Houston standards, but they rarely wear suits down there) and I think I'll be going to court quite a bit in the next several months for my high-profile client.

Monday night Tara and I had our usual private time, which I've been sorely missing since she's been sick. We still couldn't do all the things we usually do because of her physical condition, but it was fun nevertheless. We also watched an old movie that I recently bought on DVD, Flash Gordon, something we both knew from our younger days. Some of you may know the theme song sung by Queen (FLASH!! AH-AHHHH! is all I'm going to say, because the rest of the lyrics are too silly to see in print). So yes, we reveled in our girly geekiness for one night, although Tara thought I was doing a nice Princess Aura imitation because I was molesting her on the couch while she was trying to watch the movie.

Tuesday a girl named Michelle contacted me online through one of my poly groups and we started an email conversation about poly. Her boyfriend is poly and she's trying to learn more about it. They live in Brooklyn, where I have a couple other friends that I don't get to see enough, so maybe someday I'll spend a weekend there visiting everybody.

After work, I met my friend Lori at the library and we hung out and talked while she ripped library CDs to her laptop computer. I also checked out Volume 3 of Strangers in Paradise, a comic strip set in Houston that revolves around the relationships of two girls and a guy in a love triangle (at least that's the way it appears at the moment because I haven't read the whole series). The whole concept of the love triangle takes on a whole new meaning when viewed through a poly lens. At one point, a character screams, "Why can't I have both of you?" and of course, I'm thinking, "You can!" It all depends on whether you measure love by how exclusively you experience it, or by some other measure (like whether the person is making you happy or not).

Anyway, I'm off to get some lunch, and perhaps get my nails done. Enjoy the day everybody!

Iron Man

I had a lovely time with my family this weekend, the best we've had in quite a while, actually. It didn't start off that well. Friday I felt like I was coming down with a cold, so I took off work early and came home for a nap that turned into an early bedtime. I went to sleep at 8 p.m. and work up at 4:30 a.m., which caused Tara some concern because I missed our usual goodnight call. I also skipped dinner, my evening dosage of meds and washing the makeup off my face. But the extra rest probably did me good, because I'm fully recovered now.

Saturday we went into the city for Free Comic Book Day, an annual tradition at Midtown Comics. We stood in line for about an hour before we were allowed up to the store and were each handed a bag of 40+ free comics and a little plastic Iron Man toy. I also bought a Justice League graphic novel called The Lightning Saga, and volume 2 of the Lucifer books written by Mike Carey, just to support the free comic effort. Bee couldn't come because of work, so we stopped by our local comic store in New Jersey to pick up another bag for her before coming home.



Afterward I ran my errands and watched some baseball with Tara because my tailor screwed up and didn't have a skirt alteration ready when it was supposed to be. Later in the evening, we had our regular Saturday night dinner and movie, which we all seemed to barely make it through because we were all tired for one reason or another.

Sunday I not only slept in late, but also took a midday nap so I was fresh to see Iron Man at the theater with my family. We've all been waiting eagerly for this first big superhero movie of the summer, and it did not disappoint. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, I'll just say one thing - make sure you stay for the end past the credits. There is a key scene tacked on that elicited loud squeals of geekdom from all the fanboys and fangirls (especially Tara) left in the theater.

After the movie, my family dropped me off and I was deciding what to do with the rest of the evening when they called me and invited me over to barbeque, our first backyard grilling of the year. I brought over my last remaining salmon burger and grilled that with Indian hot lime relish on top - yummy! Bee also tried my stuffed grape leaves and didn't like them, but enjoyed the guacamole-flavored tortilla chips I also brought. Bug made some beans, and she and Bee had their veggie burgers and veggie dogs, while Tara had her usual hot dogs and shared one with me. Afterwards, Bug went grocery shopping, and Bee, Tara and I sat on the couch and read our books quietly until it was time for me to go home.

Unfortunately, Tara has been having a relapse of her salmonella poisoning and hasn't been doing very well. We've been trying to get her to go to the doctor, but she has steadfastly refused so far. We'll try to have a quiet date night tonight and not get too active, so hopefully she can continue to get her rest and make a full recovery soon.

Family update

I've been thinking a lot about my family dynamic and how it's different from what I'm used to. I talked about it briefly with Tara on the way home from our celebratory dinner at Harold's Famous Deli last night - celebrating my second anniversary of arriving in New Jersey. Harold's is where we went to celebrate the night I arrived - it's where we go any time there's something to celebrate. This is the first time I've ever been there without everyone in attendance, but Bee and Bug had their own anniversary to celebrate last night, which is fine. It was nice to have some date time with Tara anyway, even though we were both not feeling our best.

Perhaps it was this first visit to Harold's without everyone in attendance that got me thinking about this topic. It's a little difficult to explain here what the subject of my thoughts are about my family dynamic, so I'm not going to go into too much detail.

Basically, I have an idea of being in a poly family where everyone is interconnected with each other, and therefore, can all talk as a group about relationships as well as practical household matters. And really, up until a few weeks ago, I thought it possible that my family could be like that someday, but lately, I've been having doubts that it will ever get to that point. That's not to say there's something "wrong" with my family's style of communication - it has worked for the three of them for 10 years before I got here. I'm just not sure it will work with me, a relative outsider, being thrown into the mix - especially in a poly context that never existed before but does now.

As I said in a previous post, I am trying to focus on the present and enjoy what I have right now. I've come to recognize the futility of trying to direct and plan change when it comes to relationships. Last year, I saw the destructive effects of putting too much effort into making a relationship work that didn't evolve organically. So this year, I'm purposely being aware of not forcing myself or anyone else to put effort into creating relationships that aren't really that important to them, which is probably the most sensible thing to do.

However, what I find is that like the second law of thermodynamics when you don't put energy into a system (i.e. a relationship) eventually you get entropy. So even though my relationship with Tara is fine because we both put in the effort to sustain it, my relationships with Bug and especially Buffy are cordial, but mostly superficial. A big part of the reason for this from my viewpoint is that we are not able to talk about real things, like I do with my friends Lori and Agnieszka when I have time to see them. Bug is better with this than Buffy right now, but we just don't spend very much time with just the two of us (like, one night a month at most). And on the rare occasions that Buffy and I spend alone time together (as we did last week at the spa), we really don't talk about personal things. I think it's because we're just not comfortable enough with each other to do so, although I really don't know why that is with all we've been through together.

I find it somewhat discouraging to know two such wonderful people as Bee and Bug are, and to have had such lovely times together in the past and yet find that we are slowly drifting apart such that I feel more comfortable spending time with either of my aforementioned close girl friends than with either of them one on one. That's not to say we don't have wonderful times together as a group with Tara, because we do.

On the other hand, if that is the way it's supposed to be, then I will just accept that we will never be the poly family that I originally hoped to be back in January. Maybe we'll be something else, but whatever happens, I'll accept that it will be the right outcome for everyone concerned. I'm not saying my original idea can't happen - Tara pointed out last night that time is not an issue, and if it happens, it could happen quickly. I'm just saying it's not happening now and maybe we're all meant for something else.

Only time will tell.

Beltane

Today is May 1, Beltane to pagans and witches, and the second anniversary of my arrival in New Jersey.

Looking back on that exodus from Houston in 2006, it's probably one of the bravest things I've ever done - to pack up everything in my minivan (and separately in a moving van) and drive halfway across the country by myself to live in a new town where I only knew three people and didn't have an apartment or a job. Of course everything worked out for the best, but it was definitely the biggest risk I'd ever taken in my life in terms of jumping without a parachute. And wouldn't you know, it has also probably been one of the most rewarding things I've ever done as well.

I was going to write more, but work intercedes. Happy Beltane everybody!

The English Patient

Yesterday on the train I finally finished reading The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje. As anyone who's read my profile, this is one of my favorite movies, and I picked up a used copy of the book late last year and I've been reading it off and on since then. It's a very dense, poetic book, much like Mark Helprin's A Winter's Tale (which I still haven't finished, so I guess that will have to wait another year). There are wonderful turns of phrase and stories contained in the book, such as Katharine's final wishes in the Cave of Swimmers, which stick out in my mind. But it's also a little difficult to follow because it jumps around in time and place a lot. If you know the movie as well as I do, it helps to keep you grounded on what's happening.

What is amazing about reading this book is how anyone could take it and turn it into any kind of coherent movie, let alone one that collected nine Oscars. That was quite a feat of screenwriting, yet surprisingly it didn't win for that category, although screenwriter/director Anthony Minghella won for Best Director. Frankly, I don't think I would have enjoyed the book as much if I didn't already love the movie.

In other news, I got my first jury summons last weekend, so I might be serving jury duty in early June. Not something I'm particularly looking forward to, but I guess it beats going to work. I was also in a courtroom yesterday in downtown New York for a client on a very large civil case involving one of my well-known clients. And I have to say, the New York courtrooms are so much nicer than the ones I've been in in Texas. But I guess my Texas court experience has been limited to family and traffic courts, and not the courtrooms where the CEOs fight for billions of dollars.

I forgot to mention on Monday that I had another encounter with Leatherman on the train coming in to work. The exact same thing happened as last time - he requested the middle seat, and the other guy who was sitting on the outside got up and left the seat vacant, and Leatherman just kept sitting in the middle seat rather than sliding over. He's determined to sit next to me, it seems. From now on I'm sitting at the front of the car instead of the middle to throw him off. What I really don't like about him is that he sits with his arms locked and hands on his kneecaps, so his arms intrude on my space. In fact, if I weren't on my guard, his right elbow would be touching my left boob. I wish he'd put his arms on his lap or hold his briefcase like a normal person. And that he'd wear less strong cologne!

I went to a free seminar about investing in real estate that was to be given at the LGBT Center on Monday, but the presenter never showed up. I waited for 30 minutes and then gave up. As I've probably mentioned, I'm thinking about buying a house here in New Jersey next year when my lease runs out, so I need to get smart about the process. Last time I bought a house in Houston, I had a lot of people helping me, including an aunt who is a realtor. This time I'm going to be on my own, although I'd like my family in New Jersey to be involved.

Speaking of the family, Tara is feeling much better now, although still worn out from the ordeal she's had to endure this past week. We had dinner last night and watched The Shawshank Redemption, another of our favorite movies. She wasn't really feeling up for fooling around, but I kind of forced her into it because after a week without snuggles, I was feeling super-horny. So after the movie we had a quick roll in the hay before I had to send her home.

Last week I got word that one of my old co-workers from my Houston PR firm was now working for one of my clients down in Houston. He was actually in the office next to mine during the last few months I was working in Houston, and we were pretty good friends. We met for lunch after I left the company and he gave me some job-hunting advice over hot dogs. So I called him up to congratulate him on his new position and catch up with the news from the old firm. We promised that we'd visit next time we were in Houston or New York together. Unlike the last guy from Houston who knew me in my former life, he's not creepy in that stalker-ish way - he's just a nice, normal guy, and I can trust him to be discreet with whatever I choose to share with him about my new life.

The weather is slowly warming up and spring is just around the corner. I'm rather itching to go outside and play some tennis, so if anyone wants to play, drop me a line. Once Tara feels better, I'm sure we'll start playing basketball again before it gets too hot. Plus, I am looking forward to all the great movies coming out this summer, starting with Iron Man this weekend!

An unexpected weekend

This weekend was Bee's birthday, so we had made plans to go camping at Assateague Island in Maryland over Saturday night. Pursuant to these weekend plans, we moved our regular Saturday night fun to Tuesday night, and Tara got Chinese food instead of cooking her usual hot dogs. That was a big mistake, because of all the bad luck, she contracted salmonellosis, probably from eating infected steamed chicken. So she was dreadfully ill starting Wednesday, but we held out hope for a miraculous recovery that would allow the camping trip to happen.

Friday I took off work so we could get our birthday celebrating in before the trip. In the morning I took Bee to a new spa and got her a facial, while I got a relaxing massage. We came back to have breakfast with the other girls and in the afternoon we went to see Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. Then we came home and watched baseball and cooked a special pasta dinner of spring ravioli, then opened a bunch of presents and had our ice cream cake. While we were having cake, we pretty much figured out that Tara's illness was not going to allow her to make the trip, so we decided to postpone it. It was pretty disappointing for everyone, and although on the one hand, it was nice to look forward to a quiet weekend, it also made me feel snakebit after what happened with Joanna's wedding last month.

I've been feeling a bit pensive this weekend relating to Tara's illness. As a secondary in a poly relationship, I am constantly trying to understand what my role is in the larger dynamic of our family. While Bee and I were out shopping for Tara's medicines, I thought about how my relationship has certain benefits and limitations that color the way I feel about it sometimes.

On the one hand, Bee is Tara's primary, so she naturally takes responsibility (with Bug's help) for taking care of her needs, like medicines, food and basic supplies. Since I'm a secondary (in role if not rank) I have no say in those matters since we don't share household budgets.

On the other hand, Tara and I are like two people who are in a long-term dating relationship (dating each other, that is) in that we have no real responsibility toward each other besides making each other happy. And generally speaking, we do a pretty good job at that.

So the question is - is it enough for me to be in a relationship with someone where we just have fun and share each other's lives at arm's length? Where we don't have to deal with one being sick and keeping the other awake at night? Where we aren't concerned about how much money to spend on books versus clothes?

I'm not sure.

Part of me likes being independent and making my own decisions about my household budget and what to do on a Saturday afternoon. Another part of me longs for a relationship where I can care for and nurture someone for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, for better or worse until death parts us. As long as I am a secondary, the latter scenario really isn't an option for me without some serious open-hearted talking, which nobody in my family seems to be ready for yet. And frankly, as a secondary, I don't deserve the kind of relationship I'm talking about because I'm not willing to give of myself as completely as Bee gives to Tara. In that respect, I feel rather inadequate compared to Bee's love for Tara, but I try not to let it bother me since I recognize that I'm a secondary and it's not my place to be a primary in this relationship.

But germane to the point, I am simultaneously wanting and apprehensive of being a primary. If it's going to happen, whether with Tara or with someone else, it's not going to be anytime soon. Maybe someday I'll figure out what kind of relationship will work for me long-term, and how to achieve it. In the meantime, being happy with Tara is enough for me.

Shopping while naked

Sunday was quite productive for me in a lot of ways. I went over to my family's house in the morning for a quick visit, which turned into a bit of a heavy talk with Tara, but fortunately didn't last too long.

Then I went to my local Loehmann's which is closing the store and liquidating everything, so everything was at least 20% off, and 30% for clearance and reduced items. The big find was a white spring trenchcoat by DKNY, which I've been searching for since the weather is getting too warm for my wool coats. I also bought some scarves, a pair of Cosabella pj pants, a stretch lace tank and thong by Hanky Panky and some earrings. Unfortunately, I found it very difficult to shop for actual clothes because they had removed all the size tags from all the hangers, so that made it difficult to tell at a glance where my size was located in any particular rack. Plus, I couldn't find a shopping basket, so it got tiring having to carry stuff around in my arms. Also, while it wasn't terribly crowded, I wasn't really in the mood to try on clothes that day.

I had an encounter at Loehmann's too. An older woman and I were shopping in the scarf area, and she blurted out, "You know, you just don't see too many Asian women your height." Normally, this kind of comment really chaps my hide, because it's usually thrown at me from some male passerby who thinks this is some form of flattery ("Wow, you're tall!" is what I usually get). For the record, I'm 5'11" in bare feet. So I said to her, "Yeah, I'm one of a kind." She then proceeded to tell me about her son and his girlfriend and their heights, to which I nodded and kept on shopping. As she turned to go, she said, "Oh, and you're gorgeous, by the way!" I thanked her and she moved on. Memo to all the would-be suitors: I'd much rather be called gorgeous than tall.

Loehmann's is an interesting place because they are one of the few stores that have open dressing rooms. I've heard that sample sales in New York are the same way - basically there are no private dressing rooms and you just have to grin and bare it in public if you want to try something on. At Loehmann's they typically have a large mirrored room for the ladies to try on stuff, with private stalls for those who want to wait for them. When I went to the store on Broadway last week with my friend Lori, there were several women in the communal dressing area trying on clothes while stripped down to their bras and thongs. Fortunately I remembered to wear decent underwear so I could do the same (although I wasn't wearing a thong that day).

Seeing strangers naked or unclothed makes me feel kind of ookie. Which is strange, since I really don't have a problem with my own nudity (although I'm certainly not as comfortable about it as my friend Agnieszka), despite the fact that it wasn't a common sight in my house growing up. I can remember exactly one time seeing my mom naked, and once or twice seeing my father's genitals (and one of those was in the hospital when he had hernia surgery). My older brother and I weren't that shy around each other, though. Of course I've had my issues in the past with my body image, but nowadays I fully embrace the idea that nudity is natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

Anyway, back to Sunday. After Loehmann's I went to Costco and bought some groceries and a sleeping back for our camping trip this upcoming weekend. I went home to unload everything, and did some laundry and handwashing of my new purchases and some of my bras. Watched the Rockets get beat by the Utah Jazz in the first game of the NBA playoffs and ripped some of the programs off my DVR to DVD-R. I also cooked up a huge pot of fried rice and made some General Tso's chicken from Costco to go with it for dinner.

Afterwards, I was feeling some acute loneliness, so despite an uncomfortable phone call with Tara just prior to leaving, I went over to my family's house, planning to sit and read my book in their living room and just be quiet with them. Tara dragged me upstairs to her studio and we talked through some of the lingering issues that have fallen out of this past week's drama until about 1:30 a.m. It was a lot longer than I had planned on staying, but I'm glad that we finally got some unspoken things out that had threatened to fester.

I will also put in plug for a new book on polyamory that appeared on my email list service today. You can read more about it here: http://www.polyamoryhandbook.com/

A date at the museum

I had a lovely date with Tara today, but first, an update on the softball game from last night.

First off, we played on the Great Lawn in Central Park, which is always a treat. They are some of the best fields in Manhattan, plus the views of the city around us are breathtaking, especially as the sun sets and the buildings light up. We scored six runs in the first inning, and one more the whole rest of the game, and held off the other team to win by two. At the plate, I'm still looking for my first hit of the year, but I had a sacrifice fly my first time up, and the second time, with a man on third, I hit a come-backer to the pitcher and ran to first, thinking for sure I was going to be thrown out. But instead, the pitcher saw the runner break from third and tried to throw him out and they fumbled the ball, allowing him to score and leaving me safe on first. So depending on if you score that a fielder's choice or an error, I think I got another run batted in (RBI), giving me two on the night, and the margin of victory. So at least I'm contributing.

Today I woke up early after a fitful night's sleep and picked up Tara to go to breakfast at our favorite diner. As you probably know, the Pope is in town and was at St. Patrick's Cathedral giving mass on TV while we ate. We were a little concerned that this might interfere with our plans to visit the Met, but since the church is so far from the museum (both on Fifth Avenue), we figured we'd avoid the Pope show altogether.

However, when we got close to the Met, we saw a sign that said Fifth Avenue was closed from 86th all the way to 42nd, which is before the Met. We went down Park and tried to get in at 81st Street, and there was a NYPD traffic van two cars ahead of us. As we crossed Madison, the van pulled over, and were likely closing 81st behind us to prepare for closing 5th Avenue for when the Pope left St. Patrick's, so we barely made it to the museum garage in time before we would have been shut out.

At the Met we walked all the major galleries and some of the special exhibits that are getting ready to leave next month. Here's a picture of me in my colorful spring outfit at the Temple of Dendur in the Egyptian wing:





From the Met we went to Hiram's Hot Dog stand in Fort Lee, NJ for lunch, and then stopped at the Papa Beard's bakery to pick up some chocolate cream puffs. Then we stopped by National Wholesale Liquidators, where I bought a gigantic can of stuffed grape leaves, and some flatbread for myself and Bug. Since it was getting late, and we were both suffering from gallery fatigue and food lethargy, I took Tara home and went to the Chinese grocery store for some tofu and baby bok choy to make for dinner. I got home and promptly crashed for a couple hours until everyone came over for Saturday night dinner.

All in all, today I think Tara and I finally got back to being ourselves again. Time, love and beauty can cure most ills in this world. And while I recognize the value of putting troubled times behind us, I also believe in the value of having some record of how we got where we are, and learning what lessons we can from that history. As the saying goes, those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and I don't want a repeat of the negative parts of this past week.

100th post - week in review

Just a short post today, since it's Friday and I haven't posted all week, practically. And yes, as you can see, this is the 100th post on this blog, which is a nice milestone.

Tara and I have had a rough week together following Monday's date, but we are working our way through it. I wouldn't want to say that these incidents get easier over time, but each time they happen, at least we're learning more about how we deal with conflict and recover from it. No relationship is ever perfect, so even when things turn south, it's still an opportunity to learn something about the other person that will strengthen the relationship in the long run.

Wednesday I went to my regular PolyNYC meeting, where we had a speaker talk about building satisfying sexual relationships. Unfortunately, there were so many people there, and many of them were first-timers or just poly-curious, so it ended up being a Poly 101 question-and-answer session, which I didn't really have the patience for, so I left to catch an earlier train home. On the one hand, I'm glad that more people are expressing an interest in poly, but on the other hand, I wish the presenter (an alternative lifestyle attorney who is very pretty and a good speaker) had stuck to a script and not let the presentation become dominated with opinion after opinion.

Thursday Tara and I spent a quiet evening together while Bee was visiting her parents for her birthday, which is coming up next week. We went to Burger King and came back to my place to watch the Yankees-Red Sox game. Hopefully it was enough to be peaceful and grounded so that we can get back to being our usual affectionate selves.

And today I have a softball game in Central Park that I need to get dressed for because we're leaving the office in 15 minutes. Wish me luck - maybe I'll get a hit today.

A Beautiful Mind

Monday night is date night for me and Tara, as it's usually the night that Bee has her yoga class, and Bug has the house to herself to do computer maintenance. Yes, there are actually people in the world who enjoy keeping our computers running - nature loves diversity, remember? You go, Bug!

So last night I took Tara to Amazing Hot Dog near home and we had dinner while watching a bit of the Yankees game against Tampa. I got the Oriental dog (of course) and the Phoenix dog, while Tara got two Jersey Breakfast dogs. The interesting thing about these hot dogs is that they wrap them with bacon and then deep-fry them. Plus, all the toppings reminds me of Pink's in Hollywood, which I had the opportunity to visit about four years ago. They don't call me the queen of condiments for nothing!

After dinner, we went back to my apartment to watch A Beautiful Mind, one of my all-time favorite movies that Tara hasn't seen before. It won four Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Director (Ron Howard) and Best Supporting Actress (Jennifer Connelly). The last award I felt was richly deserved (albeit it should have been the Best Actress award, not Best Supporting), not only for Ms. Connelly's performance, but because this is one of the few modern movies that celebrates the female spirit.

Not to give too much away for those of you who have not seen the movie, but while the story is ostensibly about Professor John Nash and his achievements, the real driving force behind all his accomplishments was the heart lesson he learns from Alicia, his wife. She teaches Nash that it is the heart, not the head, that holds the secret to the truths we are all seeking. Without Alicia, John Nash might have still been a brilliant scholar and mathematician, but he would not have lived a life worthy of such admiration. When I speak about the female spirit, I mean that the true achievement in the movie is not really the mathematical or mental struggles that are overcome, but the triumph of the heart over the head, of love over logic, that moves the viewer.

Fried tofu

It's a slow day at work, so there's time to blog. I had just the restful weekend that I needed, and feel much more refreshed this week. Hopefully that will sustain me until Friday.

Saturday I went shopping at Burlington Coat Factory for a raincoat, but didn't have any luck finding one I liked. I did buy a couple cute casual tops - they always have bargains there for cheap stuff. I also ran my usual errands, which included a trip to the Chinese grocery store because Bug requested something different than my usual vegetable dumplings for Saturday night dinner, so I bought some tofu and hot chili bean paste to do some experimental cooking. I picked up Tara in the late afternoon and brought her to my place for some afternoon cuddling, then brought her home so she could take care of her errands and I could finish cleaning up my apartment for family night.

Now, for the past few months we've been having family night on Saturdays at my place, and I've gotten things down pretty much like clockwork when it comes to cooking dinner (I make fried vegetable dumplings, white and fried rice for Bee and Bug, Tara makes hot dogs, and I usually make something quick and easy for myself, like ramen, Mediterranean dips or some kind of frozen food). But Bug's request for something different kind of threw a monkey wrench in the timing of the whole works, so everything kind of got done at different times. Luckily it wasn't off by too much though.

I had read an article in the New York Times food section this week about frying tofu and that inspired me to try to fry tofu for the first time. Of course since both Bee and Bug are vegetarians, I couldn't follow the recipe in the paper, but I remembered a fried tofu dish in my youth that consisted of hot bean paste and sauteed green onions. I fried up the tofu with canola oil and the bean paste mixed together, and added the onions at the end, cut into long pieces. I think it turned out rather well for a first attempt - Bug finished it, but it was a little too spicy for her palette. But it was fun trying something new in the kitchen and not having it turn into a disaster.

Sunday I woke up with a headache and feeling very lethargic, so I stayed home all day watching episodes of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles off my DVR and copying them to DVD. Lethargy slowly turned to melancholy, but I managed to pull myself together enough to go with my family to see the new IMAX film, Shine a Light starring the Rolling Stones and directed by Martin Scorsese. Going to the movies is always fun for me, even if it's a subject that I'm not that interested in. I've never been a fan of the Rolling Stones, and probably never will be. What was interesting was that the concert was filmed at the Beacon Theater in New York, where Tara and I saw Porcupine Tree a few months ago on our anniversary. Maybe they will do an IMAX concert of them someday when they get more famous.

Anyway, all in all, it was a restful and enjoyable weekend, and just what I needed to rebound from last week. I hope everyone had a nice weekend too.

So sleepy...

I am tired. It's been a long week, especially since I didn't have a proper restful weekend, with my trip to Philly. Plus, this week has been so busy with the softball game on Monday, the poly meeting on Tuesday, and doctor's appointment after work on Wednesday for my allergy shots, then I hit the gym after that.

Tara came over last night feeling frisky (we hadn't seen each other since Monday) and she managed to get me excited enough to play with her, but I promptly fell asleep afterwards, and she had to let herself out to go home. I'm sure we both feel a little awkward about that, but seriously, I was having trouble keeping my eyes open even when she was kissing me. But I certainly didn't want to turn her away, and frankly, the best part of the night for me was falling asleep in her arms, my head on her shoulder, hearing her whispered endearments in my ear as I dozed.

Having an intimate relationship isn't just about rubbing slippery body parts together - it's the love and mutual understanding behind the expression that makes the activity worthwhile. Best not to be so focused on the goal that the reason for getting there is lost, right? I'm trying to learn how to let go of "making progress" in my relationships and just let things come when the time is right.

Not much else to say right now, other than I'm planning to spend a lot of time in bed this weekend, hopefully not all of it alone. :)

Molested - again!

This day is not starting off very well. Last night after my women's poly group (which was great, very nice people) Tara and I had one of those difficult talks about the future, which is always a tricky topic for us. We weren't fighting or arguing - we were just talking. She always tells me that by living one day at a time, the future will be here before you know it. John Lennon once sang, "life is what happens when you're making other plans." I do really try to live in the moment, but when the moment is unsatisfying, it's hard not to dream of better things.

Maybe I need to watch Rent again. I might do that tonight.

So I ran into the molester on the train again this morning, who I'll call "Leatherman" from now on, since he wears a leather jacket, which I don't like touching me (see previous post "Molested on the train" - March 5, 2008). The cars on my train all have rows of two-seat benches and three-seat benches. I always sit in the three-seat benches on the inside, because I'm one of the first people to board so I have my pick of seats. As the train fills up, someone will eventually sit on the far inside seat of my bench, leaving the middle seat open. On especially busy days, someone will request the middle seat, and the outside person will either stand up to let them in or slide over next to me and give them the outside seat. Generally, no one likes sitting in the middle seat, so those go last when the train is extremely crowded.

So I'm dozing with my sunglasses on as usual, and there's another man already sitting on my bench on the outside seat when Leatherman comes up and requests the middle seat. So the first guy stands up and lets Leatherman sit down next to me, but then instead of sitting back down, the first guy wanders off to find another seat, possibly because Leatherman is rather large and it's a tight squeeze for them to sit next to each other. So the outside seat is now open, but instead of sliding away from me and leaving the middle seat unoccupied (which most people would have done), Leatherman stays in the seat next to me and proceeds to take off his jacket and settle in, like we're a couple or something.

At the next stop, a woman does sit down and occupy the outside seat, so now the bench is full. But Leatherman is doing his expanding thing again and we are again bumping and lightly rubbing against each other from the movement of the train. I decided I'd had enough and sit up straight to minimize contact with him. His cologne is really strong too, which is irritating, but I'm wearing scent too, so I can't really complain (today it's Bvlgari Omnia Crystalline). The rest of the trip I just fidget to keep him at a distance as best I can - crossing my arms, playing with my iPod, and turning to look out the window.

So over the weekend I had a pleasant trip down to Philadelphia for my training program. Traveling by train is so much easier than by plane - no security checks, no boarding calls, no cramped seats, no safety briefings, no annoying air pressure changes or loud and bumpy takeoffs and landings, etc. etc. Prior to moving here in 2006, I'd never traveled by train before, so it's a relatively new experience for me.

The classes themselves were very stimulating, and it was very energetic being in a room of 60 accomplished professional women, most of whom have MBAs or other advanced degrees and have been high-level executives in the past. It made me think about the issue of sex-segregated education and how girls might benefit from being educated from an early age separate from boys. When I see what happens in women-only spaces when it comes to education, I feel that many times in co-ed situations women's voices get lost or drowned out by men, whether due to bias on behalf of the instructor or the general female tendency to defer to males, or other reasons. So it was quite illuminating just from the perspective that it's the first time I've ever attended a formal women-only event related to work.

Monday night I played my first softball game in a couple of years (I sat out last season because of my surgery) and didn't do that well - went 0-for-3 with an error at second base. However, I did catch one infield fly ball for a final out to stop a rally, which was about the only positive thing I did. We did win the game, 10-8. I also almost got hit by a thrown bat when I was playing catcher, and got hit in the leg with a hard-thrown low ball on a play at the plate that I failed to catch because my vision was impaired by the catcher's mask - luckily it was in my calf and didn't bruise, but it hurt a lot for the rest of the night.

Monday was also the first time I'd taken the tram to Roosevelt Island, which was a pretty neat experience, almost like flying over Manhattan and the East River. Usually that kind of experience has been confined to ski slopes.

Alright, back to work for me. Hope everyone is having a good day!

The importance of touch

Tara came over last night and we talked about what happened on Monday night. While I admit that my first instinct when there's trouble is to pull back, I'm trying to get her to have faith that I'm not going to make the same mistakes I did last year when I almost walked away from everything. I'm a lot stronger now - with my own identity, with what I want in life and with my love for her.

Plus, great sex cures a lot of relationship ills, something we didn't have last year; at least the sex wasn't that great for me because I was still recovering from my then-recent surgery. I could get all scientific about orgasms and the release of oxytocin, but suffice to say that physical intimacy is very important to me, probably more so than to most people.

I'm one of those people who communicates through touch. I love to cuddle, with platonic as well as romantic partners, and tend to give a lot of hugs. I love to give massages - again, both platonic and sensual - and touch in a variety of ways using my hands, feet, legs, arms, nose, lips, even my ears sometimes. I truly believe that people don't touch each other enough - again, because of all the societal boundaries and limits we've placed on ourselves. We're taught from the earliest ages to keep our hands to ourselves, not touch other people, or even ourselves in certain ways, and we've lost that ability to share through touch (unless you're visually impaired). These days, everyone interprets touching a sexual advance, but that's like saying every greeting is a come-on. We've limited touching to a handshake or a quick hug, and made all other touching associated with sex. It's one of my issues in being non-conformist that I'm trying to cultivate a healthy attitude toward communication through touch.

What's interesting is that my birth family was a stereotypically reserved Asian family that rarely touched each other with affection (although I learned the art of massage from a very early age because my mom has chronically sore shoulders). We would never hug or kiss each other, and in fact, I probably haven't seen my parents embrace each other more than 10 times in my entire life growing up. It just wasn't who we were. On the flip side, we didn't physically abuse each other either. Despite this rather cold upbringing, or perhaps as a reaction to it, warmth and affection expressed through touch is an essential part of all my personal relationships, intimate or not.

I have a very busy schedule in the next several days. I have been invited to attend a prestigious training program for women MBAs at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania sponsored by one of my clients, a large investment bank. Unfortunately, that means I'll be in Philadelphia all weekend, but I think it's worth it for my professional development - plus I've always wanted to eat an authentic Philly cheesesteak. It will be a nice refresher course for me, since it's been 10 years since I earned my MBA at the University of Houston.

Monday I have my first company softball game of the year after work. I bought a new glove Monday night and I've been molding the pocket with a softball and a rubber band. Obviously I lost my old glove in the fire of 2007. Tuesday night I have my first meeting of a new poly women's group in the city, which I'm excited about. As you might expect, at most poly groups, the men outnumber the women, so women's viewpoints tend to get overlooked. As I'm typically more comfortable around women in the first place, I'm hoping this will be a good group to discuss poly issues and ideas.

Why Poly?

I'm sure a lot of people read my blog and all the polyamorous articles and stuff and think I've advocating the lifestyle. Personally, I feel that everyone is poly by nature, and it's society that has conditioned us toward monogamy. There's a recent article in the New York Times Science Times section that quotes an author of a book titled, "The Myth of Monogamy" that says the only 100 percent monogamous animal on the planet is a parasitic flatworm that lives in the gills of freshwater fish.

In Most Species, Faithfulness Is a Fantasy - March 18, 2008

This makes sense to me because most of us grow up in families where we are encouraged to love both parents, any number of siblings, half-siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, multiple grandparents, etc. And it's obviously natural to have more than a single offspring and love them all equally. So the concept of loving many people equally and without favoring one over the other is ingrained in us from birth, and then suddenly when we get to be young adults, the rules change and we are required to choose a single person (just one!) that we will love as our partner/mate for the remainder of our lives. Naturally there are evolutionary imperatives that favor monogamy when it comes to having and raising children, but even those I believe are partially influenced by culture. Personally, I think the high divorce rate is a pretty compelling argument against the "naturalness" of monogamy.

All that being said, I'm not saying poly is the answer to relationship troubles. On the contrary, being poly is HARD. There are probably just as many, if not more poly breakups as there are among mono folks, from a percentage standpoint (obviously the total pool is a lot smaller). Poly requires a lot more communication and twice or three times the level of commitment than being a serial monogamist, where you're only dealing with one relationship at a time. And although I feel poly is the more "natural" state of being than monogamy, it's also completely contrary to 99.9% of the population's most deeply held beliefs about the nature of romantic love and the nuclear family.

Last night was the latest of a long line of train wrecks in my poly world, and I'm working on recovering from it. It's too personal to share details, but suffice to say I learned a valuable lesson: you have to be sure about what you really want, you have to communicate it clearly, always balance your needs and the needs of others, and if you're not sure about anything, then keep it to yourself before you stir up the pot until you are sure.

Being poly is like taking an advanced course in relationship skills. It's not for everyone. I'm not 100 percent sure it's right for me. But like a lot of people who enter the poly world, we do it because it fits our situation. We find ourselves in love with more than one person, or in love with someone who's in love with someone else, and we're not willing to throw that love away. So we either embrace our "poly-ness" or we reject it and move on. One thing I don't think works is to try and have it both ways, to believe in monogamy but act polyamourously. That course of action is only going to postpone the inevitable dissolution of the relationship with a lot more hurt and trauma than ending it quick and decisively.

Polyfolk are the people who are okay with breaking society's rules, especially if we're not hurting anyone to do so. We just want to live the way we must in order to be happy, even if everyone else thinks what we're doing is "wrong" or that we're crazy. I've broken societal taboos in the recent past - a lot of us have. We just have to have the courage to be ourselves, no matter what. It's a lesson I've already learned from hard experience.

Tara's birthday

This weekend was Tara's birthday, and we had a blast. I got a membership at the Museum of Modern Art, which paid off handsomely when we saw the line for tickets when we arrived - they had set up a queue outside on the sidewalk because people could not fit in the lobby ticket line. But since we were now members, we went straight to a completely uncrowded membership desk to get our guest passes, and also bypassed the long public coat check line to drop our coats at the members' coat check. Considering regular admission for the four of us would have been $80, and the one-year membership and guest tickets only cost a total of $90, it was totally worth it not to have to stand in those horrendous lines.

After MOMA we stopped by the public library and Tara got a poster of the Winnie the Pooh exhibit that we had hoped to see, but had been unexpectedly moved earlier to the main branch at 42nd and 5th. So we walked back to the car and headed out to Palisades Center to have an early dinner at our favorite hamburger restaurant, a place called Cheeburger Cheeburger. I know, funny name, but they do have some tasty burgers.

After dinner Bug started feeling a little ill, but we managed to get through that and take Tara to Robot Galaxy, sort of a Build-A-Bear store for robots. She built and programmed two robots, each standing about a foot high. After dropping those off in the car, we went to see the U2 3D IMAX movie once more before it left the theater, and it was awesome again. We came home and opened a ton of presents, and had birthday cupcakes. She was very happy, and said it was the best birthday in many years, and I was happy to be a part of it after missing last year's birthday because of work and recovering from surgery.

But do you know what part of the day really made me happy, and that sticks out in my mind about the day? It's the memory of all of us sharing affection and love in public, from the four of us having group hugs at MOMA to walking through the mall holding hands or locking arms in twos and threes (it's hard to walk with four people holding hands because it takes up too much space). I didn't really think about it at the time because I was enjoying the moment, but how many times do you see a group of adults being cuddly in public? Couples, yes, and families with children, but rarely do you see three adults holding hands while walking down the street. And it just underscores how special our relationship is, and how lucky I feel that we are growing into the family I've always wanted to be a part of.

Poly article

I'm very busy at work today, so I don't have time to write much. However, I wanted to share this article in the Staten Island Advance on polyamory. The reporter, Elise McIntosh, contacted one of my poly groups asking for volunteers to contribute to her story, and apparently found a good one, with an interesting story to tell.

Since I'm relatively new to poly, I don't have much of a story to tell yet, but even if I did, my family is way too private to share our story in a newspaper. In fact, Tara and I talked about this last night, how she enjoys the hermit life, and I cultivate a more public life. Obviously, it's a lot easier for me to accept her lifestyle than it is for her to accept mine, because she doesn't want noise to be introduced to our lives through me. It's one of the issues we're working our way through.

So here's the article - enjoy!

"Married, with several relationships on the side" - March 25, 2008

Poly family update

Wow, it's been more than a week since my last update! That's probably a record for my modern blogging history. I can't remember the last time I let it go for more than a week.

The upside is that life is good right now, and as periodically happens, I've been too involved in actually living life to have much time to document it. Since March 10 when Bee and I had our talk while putting bookshelves together, my family has continued growing closer again, as we were last year when Tara and I first told everyone we were in love. Both Bee and Bug have always been wonderfully supportive of our relationship through all its ups and downs, and I have always tried to be supportive of their respective relationships with Tara as well.

As far as my relationship with Tara is concerned, things could not be better, and probably have never been better. The only thing that spoils our present happiness is having to retreat to separate living spaces at the end of the night (which lately has been in the wee hours of the morning). We've been having some discussion about the possibility of us all buying a house together someday (which it seems these days you need four people to afford a house) and last night, Tara and I both said we are starting to think about having some kind of commitment ceremony at some point in time.

This is all, of course, very preliminary, but it's quite a change for someone who if you asked two years ago would have sworn she would never be "married" again (that person being me). And while we can't get any kind of legal recognition of either our union or our poly family status, I am allowing myself to start thinking about what would be an appropriate way to recognize the commitment we wish to make to each other that would be meaningful to us. As I often say, there's no roadmap for being poly so we're making it up as we go.

I attended our regular PolyNYC meeting on Wednesday and we had an excellent speaker who keeps a library at the Kinsey Institute devoted to polyamory. His presentation centered around the 12 Pillars of Polyamory, which I'll briefly recap here from my notes:

1. Authenticity - knowing your own love needs, triggers, hot buttons, kinks and being able to share those with your partners up front
2. Choice - you are free to choose your path in life, and watch out for people who want to control these choices
3. Transparency - there are no secrets between poly people, especially when it comes to sex
4. Trust - you must believe your partners will honor agreements and do what they say (poly is sometimes called "responsible non-monogamy" emphasis on "responsible")
5. Gender equality - in other words, what's good for the goose is good for the gander
6. Honesty - we can handle anything but deceit
7. Communicative - you must have open discussion with all your partners all the time
8. Consensual - everybody must agree or else it's cheating
9. Non-possessive - all partners have complete autonomy to create and sustain relationships that work for them
10. Sex-positive - being open to experimentation, communicating your desires to partners, accepting their sexual kinks
11. Accepting of self-determination - you have little control of others' behaviors, but you must tell them your likes and dislikes
12. Compersion - the love we feel when others feel love, pleasure we feel when others feel pleasure, autonomy (not control) is the way of the lover

Plus I loved one of his quotes in talking about poly as being one of many diverse ways to love: "Natures loves diversity, society hates it." Which makes a whole lot of sense when you think about it.