P-Tree, RenFaire and Shopping

This is post #300 in this blog. Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! :)

It's been a super-busy three-day weekend, since I took Friday off work to pick up Polina from school and take her back to Manhattan to see Porcupine Tree in concert. I had reserved a ZipCar, just a basic Nissan Sentra, but ZipCar called me the night before and said that the car required service, so they offered me a free upgrade to a Volvo S40 sedan in silver. It was a nice perk since it was brandy-new with less than 4,000 miles on it, and had a sunroof, leather power seats and a nice stereo with iPod connections. Plus, it was just too cool driving a car so similar to Edward Cullen's Volvo S60R from the Twilight series.

The concert was a terrific event, and undoubtedly the best of the three concerts I've seen from the band, although I was a little disappointed not to hear Halo and What Happens Now?, which are two of my favorite songs. But the visual effects were so much more impactful, with a huge projection screen put to excellent use on several songs, notably Time Flies (my favorite from their newest album, The Incident). Also, it was the first time for both of us in Radio City Music Hall, which is the largest venue they've ever played in New York - what a beautiful art-deco palace it is! Best of all, RCMH is only three blocks from my apartment, which was very convenient.



Between the second and third sets we went down to the lobby to buy souveniers and meet up with the band's agent, Joshua, whom I met through my friend Jennifer at work. We met him and his boss and chatted about the band for a while before returning to our seats. After the concert, we picked up some banana pudding and steamed milk from Magnolia Bakery in Rockefeller Center on the way home, where we took turns reading our C.S. Lewis book in the upgraded playpen before bed.

Here's the set list for the P-Tree show, in case there are any die-hard fans reading:

First Set (Semi-Acoustic)
Stranger By The Minute, Small Fish, Pure Narcotic, Black Dahlia, Futile

Second Set
Even Less: Full version, Open Car, Lazarus, Tinto Brass, The Sky Moves Sideways (Phase One), I Drive the Hearse, Bonnie the Cat

Third Set
Occam's Razor, The Blind House, Great Expectations, Kneel and Disconnect, Drawing the Line, Dislocated Day, Time Flies, Anesthetize: Part 2: "The Pills I'm Taking", Up the Downstair, Sleep Together

Encore
Arriving Somewhere But Not Here



Saturday morning Polina woke up early to catch a train back to school and I took a bus up to Tuxedo, NY for the New York Renaissance Festival, my third time at this event as well. I got my hair braided, which makes me look so different from the front - I really didn't like what I look like with my hair all slicked down, but it was pretty from behind.

Unlike past RenFaires, I spent most of this one shopping for stuff, and my friends were a big help in choosing clothes. I got a full-length burgundy overskirt with lace-up sides, and a black satin underskirt with a subtle star pattern. I also got a cream silk wench top with princess sleeves and a subtle stripe pattern in the weave.

I found a nice pleated purple skirt for Polina to match with her corset, and most importantly, I found a new amulet for the new year, which I will charge on Samhaim next month.

Today I continued the clothes buying spree with a trip to Loehmann's, since September I get my birthday discount (even though I celebrate my birthday in July). I spent a few hours at the flagship store on Seventh Avenue at 16th Street, and a lot of time in the communal dressing room choosing things. In total, I bought seven skirts, a dress, four tops, a pair of pants and earrings - practically an entire wardrobe heavy on skirts, which I've decided I should wear more of, especially in the winter when I can wear tights.

Afterwards, I went to Chinatown to pick up some groceries and went home to wash all my new clothes and sort through my closets to make room for all the new stuff by taking out the old things that aren't getting worn for any number of reasons. Those have all gotten bagged up and shoved in a corner behind the couch.

Now off to bed, and another busy week coming up. Goodnight.

Living space

Back after a long hiatus, where my life has changed so much in nine months. Time for a fresh start here.

For those of you who haven't visited me and don't know firsthand, my living room is rather unorthodox. Coming from a larger apartment in New Jersey to my smaller apartment in Times Square back in March, and with bland, cookie-cutter furniture that I bought as a set in a furnished apartment after the fire of 2007, my stuff isn't what I'd call ideal for my present living space.

Specifically, my queen-sized bed pretty much takes up the entire bedroom floorspace without room for a nightstand, although I manage by using a windowsill to hold my alarm clock and a lamp. Plus, there's enough room for a slim bookcase and my DVD cabinet, which is getting full to the bursting. I might have to start shedding plastic cases soon. But there's not much that can be done about that because I'm not giving up my $3,000 bed, and I do have the occasional sleepover guest, which precludes a smaller bed anyway.

In the living room it's too tight to place my sofa and loveseat in the conventional "L" formation, so I've mashed them up against each other to form a bed-like cuddle space, with the padded arms and backs forming little walls around the perimeter, and an entryway at the far end where the sofa protrudes. This makes it nice to lay down to watch TV and movies, and if I want to sit up, I usually sit at my desk, although that's way over to the side.

The problem is that my sofa is wearing out and tends to suck you into the seam where the back meets the seat. It's also been damaged by various, um, physical activities performed on it over the past couple years, but it's still in one piece. But this playpen arrangement is not very comfortable because the front edges of the sofa and loveseat form an annoying ridge in the middle, which can be uncomfortable over time.

I played with the idea of throwing the sofa away and moving the loveseat (which is in better shape) to its position, then buying an overstuffed chair to face it. That would have created floor space for an ottoman or a coffee table, and made it possible to someday get a Nintendo Wii or PS3 Move and have space to play games. But I'd lose the cuddle space entirely, and the ability to lay down to watch movies, which I'd grown accustomed to. It would have also cost quite a bit of money and required me to get help to move the sofa out.

So instead I decided to improve the cuddle space with a cheap and easy fix. I bought a twin-sized memory foam mattress topper, four inches thick, for $88 at Wal-Mart. I cut out the box and tail shape to fit the playpen using a utility knife, and used the extra material in the seams around the outer sides, since those are getting lower. Then I put the couch cushions on top of the memory foam, and covered with the comforter as usual.

I also addressed the problem of drift (the two halves moving away from each other) by putting a non-skid carpet pad under the rug that the playpen sits on. The fact that there's a single piece of foam under the cushions should also alleviate this problem.

So here's what it looks like:



I tried it out last night and oh, what a difference! The seam in the middle is now pretty much gone, and the whole area feels like a single space instead of two areas joined together, and like a soft mattress instead of a lumpy old couch. It's heavenly. I love being a DIY'er.

I can't wait to try it out with Polina tonight after the Porcupine Tree concert :)

On an extended hiatus

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Dear Reader,

Circumstances in my life have changed somewhat, and I feel the need to retreat a little from the public blogosphere for a while - maybe a long while at that. I don't know who reads this blog, and I don't really care (as you can infer since it's strictly a one-way conversation). I seriously doubt anyone reads this space who would miss it if it goes away. But as I said, I need to be a little more private for now to work on some things outside the public view. Depending on how things work out, I may or may not be back.

So here's the deal. I have many ways of communicating online, and this is but one of them. So if you are a dedicated reader, or if you know me in person and want to stay connected with me, send me an email at waterlily888@gmail.com and tell me who you are. If I want to stay in touch, I will tell you where you can find me elsewhere on the Internet. If I don't, then I'll write you a polite reply saying so. All emails will be answered - I promise.

Thank you for reading this far, and if I don't hear from you, then brightest blessings on your journey through life. Even though we may have never met, I've enjoyed our time here together.

Peace,
Michelle

Happy New Year!

It was a nice four-day New Year's weekend for me that will probably have some lasting repercussions going into 2010. I wanted to get everything down before this weekend's activities start.

On Thursday, New Year's Eve, Polina went with her family to Baltimore to visit friends and spend the holiday with them, so I invited my friend Bonnie (whom we visited at Christmas) over to my apartment to keep me company. We watched The Tale of Despereaux and The Last Unicorn (because she reads my blog, of course) and I got her started on Firefly by watching the first two episodes. When the clock neared midnight, I called Polina and we wished each other a happy New Year, and Bonnie did the same with her long-time partner, Hiba, who also attends our monthly women's poly group.

Bonnie stayed over and the next morning I woke up feeling headachy and nauseous, so I took some pain reliever and went back to bed to take a nap. Bonnie watched the Loony Tunes marathon on the Cartoon Network while keeping me company. Eventually the medicine took effect and I got up to make peanut noodles for Polina's New Year's Day party at her house.

We packed up everything and drove into Manhattan, where I dropped Bonnie off at the subway station to go back home to Queens while I continued down to Staten Island to help Katie and Polina get set up for the party. It was a masquerade party, so I decided to do my take on Neil Gaiman's Death of the Endless using a leather mask I'd bought at the New York Renaissance Festival last year when I went with my Open Love NY friends. For those of you who don't know this character, here's a representative drawing:



I drew Death's distinctive glyphs around my eyes, which you can see a little behind my mask. I think Polina is dressed as a very fancy mime.



Polina's parents stayed in Baltimore, so it was just the younger crowd this year, unlike last year's party when her whole family, including the Baltimore people, attended. Patrick and Alyssa, who attended Polina's karaoke party for her birthday, also sported some fancy outfits and masks:





We had a few first-time attendees this New Year's: Ryan and Aidan, who are both persons of interest for Polina right now. Aidan is a former classmate at Stuyvesant who now attends Cornell University, and of course Ryan is our resident BDSM guru.



Over the course of the evening, we played lots of games (Apples to Apples, Never Have I Ever, Mafia) and opened lots of presents. I gave Polina a whip/crop, a book on Japanese Rope Bondage, a Remo drum practice pad and Pro-Mark drumsticks that her school snare drum line uses so she can start practicing for tryouts in the fall; and more books - Castle Waiting, Death: The Time of Your Life and The High Cost of Living. Ryan performed some rope ties on Polina and me, and Polina and Louis performed some of their Argentine tango:



Rounding out the crowd were Anya and her boyfriend Peter, Dakotah, and their friend Vanessa. As it started getting close to 6 a.m. and the party was winding down, I set up my two air mattresses in the master bedroom and eight of us slept in that room while Peter and Anya shared the guest bedroom. The next day was spent looking at stuff online and general socializing as people started drifting off one by one.

2009 in review

Well, here we are, New Year's Eve again, and once again it's time for my annual wrap-up post.

As many of you know, one of my key tenets in life is to live in the moment. The main reason I adopted this philosophy was because of the fire of 2005, when my house in Houston nearly burned to the ground at two o'clock in the morning. It was practically a total loss - a lifetime of memories and possessions destroyed in one night. The event had a profound impact on my life, both materially and as a catalyst for my personal growth.

But the point I'm making here is that no matter how settled or stable you think your life is, no matter how predictable it seems today, you can wake up tomorrow to find everything changed in an instant. Nothing in life is certain, except that it will someday end. And as someone who knows this first-hand, this is why I strive to live each day on its own merits. We have no control over what's happened in the past, nor what will happen in the future. We can only control what we do in the present, and that's where I try to keep my focus, always.

With the exception of course of this blog post, which I indulge myself a peek in the rearview mirror. And of course, this year 2009 has pretty much been all about the change in my relationships and finding a job. From the first time Polina and Lori came over to my apartment ("Cooking party" - Jan. 24, 2009) which was also the first time I'd ever had friends outside Tara and her family over, to our recent adventures over Christmas ("Christmas parties" - Dec. 27, 2009) Polina has become an increasingly important part of my life.

At the same time, my relationship with Tara and her family deteriorated over the course of eight months, beginning with our decision to stop having sex ("Unconditional love" - Feb. 22, 2009) and finally ending on Sept. 1 when she came over to return my keys and stuff left at her house, and tell me we would no longer be part of each other's lives. It was by no means a shock to me, because for most of this year our relationship has been marked by some vicious fights and very difficult talks, ever the moreso because we loved each other so much. But in the end, we simply could not bridge the differences in our core beliefs that separated us.

Next to that development, everything else seems pretty insignificant. I got my new job, which is great and I love it, except for the long commute ("First day at work" - Sept. 10, 2009). I marched in my first Pride Parade ("My first Pride Parade!" - June 29, 2009), played my first cricket game ("My first cricket game" - July 8, 2009), my first karaoke bar ("Karaoke virgin no more!" - July 27, 2009), and my first wedding as someone's date ("A wedding story" - Sept. 13, 2009).

Pretty much everything else of importance is already chronicled in the 110-plus blog posts for 2009, so I'll end this here. As usual for me, it's been a pretty exciting year, some good, some bad, but hardly ever boring. I'm happy to be sharing it, and thank you, whoever you are, for following along.

Christmas parties

It's been a very fun and eventful 72 hours with Polina, as we cavorted between two states and three New York boroughs doing Christmas-y stuff, and I'm grateful for her company over the holiday and taking care of my needs that way.

I've been super-busy at work right up until Christmas as part of a team putting together a proposal for a loan guarantee from the Department of Energy. Both Monday and Tuesday this week I was working until 10:30 p.m., but on Wednesday afternoon we submitted it, well before the 11:59 p.m. deadline that day, so I got to go home a little early. I even had time to go out to lunch with my female co-workers to say bon voyage to one of our departing colleagues.

On Thursday, Christmas Eve, I drove out to Staten Island to pick up Polina and go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the first time we've been there together. I took her around to see my favorite rooms and works of art (although my favorites from Claude Monet, JMW Turner and John Singer Sargent were missing from their usual places). We had a late lunch in the Trustees Dining Room, a members-only privilege that I've been wanting to partake of since I joined the Met three-and-a-half years ago.



After a meal of chestnut soup, steak, scallops and a chocolate lava cake that was almost too pretty to eat, we sat for a while and had a relationship check-in. It seems she has been feeling a little overwhelmed with the primary nature of our relationship lately, so we're going to try and slowly de-emphasize the importance of it in our lives - or at least in hers. So we're going to try and reverse our movement the same way we got here - making small moves, taking one day at a time, and just trying to be gentle and good to each other.

We spent the rest of the afternoon wandering the museum and looking at art, then went to a nearby bistro/diner to eat an early supper of Eggs Florentine (poached eggs over steamed spinach and English muffins, covered with Hollandaise sauce, which is made from egg yolk, lemon and butter cooked in a double boiler and wisked smooth) and French toast. Then we took a cab down to Rockefeller Center to see the big Christmas tree above the ice rink, which she had never been to see before.



We stayed to watch the musical light show on the side of Saks Fifth Avenue, done to the tune of "Carol of the Bells" (which she can sing in Ukrainian) and then went into St. Patrick's Cathedral to listen to the last of the Christmas Mass singing. Then we took a cab back to the Met and drove home to Staten Island.

Christmas morning we left in the morning and went to my apartment, where we changed clothes and I showered and made us a breakfast of omlettes and turkey bacon before going to see Sherlock Holmes. We arrived right before one show started, and it was sold out, so we waited in line for the next show. I read my book and she edited a friend's novel for about 45 minutes before they let us in. Awesome movie for the both of us - she enjoyed the homoerotic Holmes/Watson dynamic, and I appreciated the little nods to the original source material from the Arthur Conan Doyle canon.

After the movie we drove to Queens for my friend Bonnie's family Christmas party. Bonnie, for those of you who don't know, is a relatively new member of my women's poly group, and the first poly Asian female I've met that I can remember. We attended a PolyNYC meeting way back, but I didn't remember her until she reminded me. We arrived a bit late, but Bonnie saved us some food, and even prepared a plate without pork/ham for Polina, knowing that she's Jewish, which was much appreciated. She also made some delicious cookies, which we ate along with a traditional Chinese chestnut cake, cupcakes from Crumbs Bakery and her aunt's excellent New York style cheesecake. For me, this was a bit of a nostalgic experience of being in a holiday party with a bunch of loud Asians, although my experience has been with an even louder group than Bonnie's family. It's not something I particularly miss, but it was interesting feeling that kind of energy again after several years of not being a part of it.





We left around 9 p.m. and drove back through Manhattan to New Jersey to go to friends Ryan and Beth's ("Polys in the wild" - August 11, 2009) Christmas party, where we ate yet another plate of food and had some egg nog with spiced rum as well. We watched Independence Day with the crowd of about 16-18 friends, then played a card game called Apples to Apples for a few hours until people started departing. We were among the last to leave about 2:30 a.m., going back to my place to sleep.

We lingered in bed until after noon on a very rainy Saturday, but finally got up and had breakfast and planned our day. We wanted to shop for ski wear, and Polina left her phone at Ryan's place, so we went to a nearby Ski Barn first, but the prices were way more than we wanted to pay. We stopped at a Staples to get a replacement iPod cord and other computer things Polina needed, then another quick stop at home because she forgot to take her coat out of my coat closet, and I gave her one of my spare flash drives for her keychain so she wouldn't have to buy one at Staples.

We stopped by Ryan and Beth's place and hung out with them for a while before heading back to Staten Island and having dinner. Polina showed me the student film she helped to edit, and we showed her mom and grandmother the movie trailer for Sherlock Holmes. I was intending to go home that night, but it got to be rather late and the weather was absolutely lousy, so I stayed and we watched Eddie Izzard's stand-up comedy movie Dress to Kill before going to sleep. It's the first time Polina and I have spent three consecutive nights together, which is ironic in view of our new direction.

I left Staten Island this morning after breakfast and went to Sports Authority, where I did manage to find a ski jacket and pants, goggles and socks, so I'm pretty well set to go skiing, whenever the opportunity presents itself. I just wish I was in better physical shape, because I know I'll be gassed quickly on the first day. But it would still be fun to go and play in the snow.

Taking stock of love

I've been thinking about the differences between poly and mono, and the stock market. And remember, I am definitely in the category of hopeless romantic, but I'd like to talk about relationships using the stock market as an analogy. Bear with me, this is going to be good.

The American system of capitalism embodied in the stock exchange works on the principle of perfect information, or transparency. Any information about publicly traded companies that is deemed to be "material" - that is, something that might affect earnings, has to be publicly disclosed. So if a pharmaceutical company invents a new drug to cure cancer, every step along the development of the product (positive and negative) must be announced. This ensures that the price of the company's stock always reflects as closely as possible what the market will pay for it, in as close to real-time as possible.

So if people are optimistic about a company and think well of its prospects, appetite for the stock increases and the price goes up. Conversely, if the company appears to be headed for hard times, people will sell any stock they are holding and the price falls. If information is not disseminated as it should be (i.e. insider information) it's illegal to act on it to profit in the market. Just ask Martha Stewart.

So it is in a way with relationships. If you believe that a relationship with someone has a good future, you "buy stock" in the form of spending time and effort being with them and nurturing the relationship. If you think the relationship is headed for disaster, then you're more likely to "sell off" slowly or quickly, by either spending less time with them or dumping them entirely.

Now, the difference between poly and mono is that, in most cases, poly people are more likely to embrace the whole "transparency" concept when it comes to relationships. Consider that in a poly relationship, where each person agrees to be as candid as possible about their feelings and attraction to the other person or other people, everyone involved is kept fully informed. By being informed, each person can then make an informed decision on whether they want to keep buying stock in the relationship, hold the amount they already have, or start selling it off and reallocating their resources elsewhere (i.e. dating other people).

However, in a mono situation, that's like buying a majority interest in one company and letting your investment stay in that one particular stock without any active management on your part. And that's great, if the company you invested in is a blue-chip stock with long-term success in the market, like Apple Computer, General Electric or ExxonMobil. You'll probably come out ahead with a lot less effort.

But if you picked a company that looked safe once that later falls on hard times - like AIG or General Motors - you might find yourself holding a lot of worthless paper, especially if you're not paying attention because you think your choice is faultless. In a mono situation, it's easy to get lazy and stop the regular flow of information because you are fully invested in that company/person and both of you are restricted from pursuing other opportunities. And when the flow of information is impeded, sometimes negative information builds up and all becomes public at once, causing a distress sale with widespread repercussions; i.e., a financial market meltdown, like the one that happened in late 2008-early 2009.

Anyway, that's the thought that's been running through my head lately. Like any other prospectus, I'm not giving advice here. Your situation and risk profile is unique. Please read carefully before you invest.

Checking in

It's been a week and a half since I've written, and I just wanted to write something, anything, so it doesn't go too long. I don't think too many people read this, so this is just me keeping the pencil sharp.

Last Friday I went into the city on my way out to Stony Brook for my friend Angel's birthday, and she wanted to go to a gentleman's club, so we went to the VIP Lounge. It's pretty much the same as any strip bar I've ever been to, although I haven't been to one in almost 20 years. I was surprised to learn that lap dances still only cost $20 a song - no cost of living adjustments for strippers, apparently.

Polina and I spent the whole weekend together, which was wonderful. We saw New Moon on Saturday night, and of course I loved it and she didn't. We actually got into a bit of an argument about it, so we had to stop talking about it. She's not nearly the hopeless romantic that I am, nor as big a fan of the Twilight books. Sunday we spent most of the day in her dorm room since she had to work on her research paper, but in the evening I took her and her friend Rosie out to Carrabba's again because I wanted to have the Limoncello bread pudding with the Blue Bell vanilla ice cream.

This week is my first as a full-time employee of Nearing, and it's been great so far. I came out to my immediate boss on Friday, like all the way - transgender, pansexual, polyamorous, pagan and dating Polina. She took it all in stride, so now I'm just going to find opportunities to mention these things to other people in the course of conversation, although I don't think I'll dump the whole load on anyone all at once like I did with her. It's nice being able to be out at work though - score one for New Jersey versus Texas.

That's all for now - more later, I hope.

A missed opportunity

I used to think dating was hard enough as a single girl. Tonight I found out how much harder it can be as a pansexual polyamorous girl.

I went to my local public library after work to pick up the second half of my beginner's Russian language course (Polina and her family speak Russian, so it's nice to be able to say and understand a few words with them). After I got that, I went to look over the movies and found Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which I've wanted to see for a long time since I'm a fan of Woody Allen, and it's a poly-themed movie (there's a consensual love triangle between the three lead actors).

I was holding the movie and the Russian course when an older gentleman in a long black wool coat struck up a conversation with me. He was probably in his 50s, well-groomed, and had a polished and confident manner - think Richard Gere, but taller. He asked if I had any movie recommendations, and he noticed the movie in my hands, saying it was a good one. Since I haven't seen it yet, I couldn't concur, but I said I've been waiting a long time to see it.

Now here is the point where, if I were truly brave, I would have said my interest in the movie stemmed partly from my being polyamorous. But, even as generally open about it as I am outside of work, it's not something I typically blurt out upon first meeting someone, especially in a public library (which, by and large, is not a bad place to meet new people for someone my age).
Then he noticed the language course and asked what my interest was in Russian. I said my girlfriend and her family speaks Russian so I was learning to so I could fit in better with them. I also made the comment that this particular course (the Pimsleur method) seems to be tailored for American men going to Russia to pick up Russian women (lots of phrases like, "Wouldn't you like to have a drink with me? at the restaurant? at the hotel?" "Do you want to buy something?") He looked at me and said, "Well, that's something you don't really need."

We talked for a bit about his interest in Russian history, and my family background (my grandfather being a Chinese ambassador to Russia during the Stalinist period). After a bit more small talk about movies, he wished me a nice evening and left. We did not exchange names or contact information.

Now. I'm not saying I was especially attracted to this guy. Frankly, I didn't even make much eye contact with him because I was looking over the movies. He probably interpreted that as me being disinterested. But when I think back upon the encounter, I could have handled it better. The guy was clearly interested in me, or else he wouldn't have started a conversation. But I didn't give him much of a chance or any real encouragement to get to know me. That's not the way I want to live my life, but old habits die hard.

It also couldn't have been too encouraging for him to hear straight off that I had a girlfriend. I'm certainly not ashamed of that fact, but the problem is that the minute you tell people that, nine times out of 10 they assume you are a lesbian and that you are monogamous. It's hard to dissuade that assumption in a casual encounter ("My girlfriend's family speaks Russian, and oh, by the way, I'm polyamorous and also open to dating men" - yeah, that works great.)

The real missed opportunity here is that I was given a perfect opening to say all these things because of the movie in my hand at the time. The conversation could have gone something like this:

Man: Do you have any recommendations?

Me: Well, I found this one, Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

Man: That was one of his better ones.

Me: Woody Allen? Yep, I'm a fan of his. It's also of particular interest to me because of the love triangle story since I'm polyamorous and pansexual.

Man: Really? What does that mean?

Me: Polyamorous means engaging in multiple long-term, consensual loving relationships with different partners at the same time. And pansexual just means I'm non-discriminatory in my choice of partners when it comes to gender. For example, I have a girlfriend, which is why I'm learning Russian as you see, but I could also become involved with another girl, or a guy at some point and she would be supportive - unless she couldn't stand them, that is.

Man: That sounds really interesting. Maybe we can more about it over dinner - can I get your phone number and ask you out sometime?

It's still a lot to say, but you can see that I missed an opportunity here that might have turned into something. But as they say, you learn more from your mistakes than from your successes.

While I'm certainly content to spend as much time as possible with Polina, I know she would like to see me happy with someone else as long as we could continue to cultivate our unique relationship. I've never been enthusiastic about dating, which is why I don't put a lot of effort into it. But I do feel strongly about being open to the possibility of love when it presents itself, and in that respect, I failed miserably tonight. When the goddess offers a gift, it should be accepted with an open heart.

Perhaps this experience tonight will help me do better next time.

The $120,000 apostrophe

On Tuesday I was at work at my desk and I got a call from the chief recruitment officer at Nearing (my company) to come see her at 2 p.m. When I get there, she's on the phone so I go over to chat with one of my friends in the HR pod, and she congratulates me for getting a full-time position. I tell her that I actually haven't gotten an offer yet and she realizes that she's just spilled the beans about the offer I'm about to get.

Loose lips sink ships, I always say.

Anyway, after two months of what was basically a tryout, I accepted an offer to become a full time Nearing employee. I feel like I've been "made" - like a Mafia boss. There are several advantages to this, not the least of which is feeling like I'm a bona fide member of the team and not an outsider, which means I can work on more confidential things. I'm also going to be doing less writing and more PR work, including media work, which is fine with me.

But mostly this is good because Nearing's benefits are better than being a contractor, and I'm eligible for a sizable annual bonus. I'm also eligible for a 3% match on a 401K contribution, an employee stock purchase plan, and most importantly, paid holidays, sick leave and vacation time off. So now I can take days off without impacting my paycheck, although my overall compensation is probably about the same, assuming I didn't take any days off as a contractor.

There's a story going around the communications department that part of the reason I was offered the position was that the communications senior vice president appreciated my attention to detail in editing documents. She is one of the most detail-oriented persons I've ever met, and unfortunately, many of the staff are not so much.

So I was editing a press release one day, and I notice that one of the apostrophes is a straight up-and-down apostrophe and not a "smart" apostrophe - one that is different for open and closed positions. I noted it, and the SVP even found another one in the same paragraph that I missed. But clearly she was impressed that I edit to the same level of detail as she does.

Later on other press releases the SVP would ask staffers if I had reviewed them yet, which people interpreted as me having "editing cred" with her. I also created a flyer for a technology expo that she reviewed with no changes. I didn't think much of that at the time, but later I found out that having something come back from her with no changes is like winning an Olympic gold medal at Nearing's communications department - most people have that happen maybe once or twice a year if they're lucky. She's quite a demanding boss, but she's actually a pretty nice person. She reminds me of my old boss in Houston at TxDOT in a lot of ways.

Anyway, the takeaway for this is that when you do your best, sometimes good things will happen, and with certain people, sometimes a thing so small as changing an apostrophe can land you a six-figure paycheck. You have to know when to sweat the small stuff.

Christmas trees

Every morning I wake up about 6:30 a.m. (or try to) and drive about 70 miles down the length of the state of New Jersey to go to work. This takes me about an hour and 15 minutes on a typical day, or two hours on a bad day. The first 45 minutes is all highways and tollways, and the last 30 minutes are the best because I take back roads through rural farmland around Princeton Junction, which is so beautiful this time of year.

I’ve been driving the same route more or less for about two months now, and along one stretch of two-lane road I pass a Christmas tree farm. When I first passed it, I didn’t take much notice because the trees were small and unrecognizable, but in the past month they have grown up to take the familiar triangular shape. I’ve never seen a Christmas tree farm, so it’s been quite delightful to watch them grow day by day, and I’ve enjoyed saying hello as I pass by.

As some of you know, I tend to employ personification on a lot of things in my daily life – my minivan (Yoshi), my stuffed friends (Oz and my other cubs and pups); even some of my pillows have names. Being alone a lot, I tend to live inside my head and it helps to have an excuse to talk aloud. But seeing this field of trees each day, sometimes I realize that very soon now, many of them will be cut down and taken away and I will be sad to see them go.

It’s a small thing really, but it also reminds me that just because I know something is not going to last forever doesn’t mean I shouldn’t let myself enjoy it or become attached to it, knowing I will miss it someday. I’d rather be hurt than live my life avoiding the possibility of being hurt. Living in the moment is not without risk, but life is a finite and non-renewable resource that must be fully consumed each and every day, or it is lost forever.

Polina's birthday, part 3

On Saturday night Polina and I hosted the first public event for Open Love NY, a combination kick-off meeting and birthday party for her 19th birthday. It’s something we’ve been planning for the past three weeks or so, and the past couple of weekends we’ve been working pretty hard on it. I’m happy to report that everything went off pretty much as planned, and a great time was had by all.

I picked Polina up from my local train station in Montclair Friday night and we stopped at the local diner for dinner. I was amused by two kids in the next booth behind her who couldn’t stop staring at her purple hair. We got home and worked on our donation jars for our three non-profit causes – Cunning Minx’s podcast Polyamory Weekly, Kenneth Haslam’s Polyamory Library at the University of Indiana, and the Jim Collins Foundation (which helps pay for life-altering surgeries for transgender people). We also finalized the event sign-in sheet, survey, donation descriptions and sent out a reminder on Facebook.

Saturday we got a very late start after a relationship check-in talk before getting out of bed in the early afternoon. We had some cereal while waiting for our friend Laura to arrive before we all went out to gather the birthday cake, food and last minute errands, like making copies of the survey and buying a wireless microphone (which we ultimately ended up not using). By the time we got home there was barely enough time to get something to eat, get changed, and load up Yoshi – and we still had to go back once because we forgot Polina’s MacBook that had our music playlist on it.

We were fortunate not to hit too much Saturday night traffic and got to the gallery at about a quarter after 7 p.m., which gave us only 15 minutes to set up. People were already arriving, and there were some gallery customers loitering around, which made things a little hectic and confusing, but we managed to get things set up quickly.



We set our table with red pepper hummus and spicy flatbread, a tray of four kinds of sliced cheese and multigrain crackers, stuffed grape leaves and giant green olives stuffed with garlic, guacamole and tortilla chips, and large black seedless grapes. For drinks we had soda and pomegranate blueberry juice. We set out our donation jars at the head of the table, along with short descriptions of each.



We cut the music and started our meeting at about 8:45 pm, but people kept trickling in throughout the night. I introduced myself and Buck and we talked a bit about Open Love NY’s reason for being and mission to plan more social events for the polyamorous community of New York. I thanked the gallery owner and our volunteers (which should have included a shout to Laura, who was so helpful the whole day) and we went around the room to introduce ourselves. I had a few more remarks about the survey and then we started the birthday celebration by clearing space at the table for Polina to sit.

While Barbara prepared the candles on the cake, I gave a short speech about Polina and how this event came about because I wanted to do something for her birthday while also helping get OLNY off the ground (something we both were eager to have happen). I talked about how we came from such different backgrounds, and yet managed to find each other through the polyamorous community, and how our community is organized around the idea that we should be free to love openly and honestly.



Barbara brought out the cake, which I had customized with the infinity heart symbol of polyamory (like the pendant I gave her for our anniversary) in purple to match her hair:



The party continued until about 11 p.m., with some people still arriving in the last hour to say hello and happy birthday. We had about 24 people show up altogether, which was very good considering the crappy weather in the city that night. There were lots of old friends, newbies, longtime polys and group hugs all around. It was lots of fun playing hostess, although I did run out of gas a bit near the end and had to take a break or two.



Polina, Laura and I packed everything into Yoshi around midnight and went home to put everything away, have some tea and we watched Chicago on my big screen before going to bed. All in all, it was a very successful event, and I'm proud of our effort in putting it on and seeing it through. Hopefully it will have the desired effect in getting OLNY jump-started - there was already talk about planning a holiday party as our event was winding down.

Polina's birthday, parts 1 and 2

This weekend was Polina’s birthday celebration, and the first time I’ve participated in it fully. As some friends might remark, it was done in true Polina fashion, encompassing my first two-night stayover at her house for all the activities. And despite fighting a progressively nasty cold for most of the weekend, the birthday girl managed to keep her spirits up and bring cheer to everyone around her.

Friday afternoon I left work early because I wanted to get my hair done by Edison while Polina and her friends were en route back from Stony Brook University. Edison and Shirley did their usual fine job of making my hair look its best, with a subtly multi-dimensional dark brown that looks natural yet sophisticated. They also asked about Polina, referring to her as “purple” since they didn’t remember her name, only the color they dyed her hair. Edison is planning to open his own hair studio in a few weeks, so I hope the next time I visit him it will be his name on the door.

I walked over to Whole Foods on Houston Street (where I’ll be on Wednesday for my women’s poly group) to buy some truffles to add to my birthday present, and then drove out to Staten Island. Polina’s mom opened the door for me just after getting off the phone and telling Polina I hadn’t arrived yet. I helped her mom in the kitchen making food by peeling vegetables and practicing my Russian with her until Polina arrived with her dad, middle sister Ella, and three friends from school – Perri, Sammy and Jake. We had Shabbat dinner together then the five of us got settled in the third floor bedroom on three air mattresses.

In the morning all eight of us packed into the family minivan, dropping Ella at Prospect Park in Brooklyn and us in midtown Manhattan near my old office where we had booked a seven-hour block of time at an isolated karaoke bar on 48th Street near 2nd Avenue. We started singing at 1:30 p.m. and the crowd swelled with each passing hour as friends continued to arrive, eventually reaching 15 people.



From the SBU band there was Jacob and Beth; Polina’s long-time friends Panda, Dakotah (from the Great Adventure Shindig), Anya, and Alina, plus Patrick and his girlfriend Alyssa; and our newer friends Ryan and K-Rob. It was a very diverse group, with a wide variety of musical tastes (and vocal ability) but it was a great time. The band people had fun singing and dancing to their marching pieces, like “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult, “Thriller” by Michael Jackson, “Disturbia” by Rhianna and “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane. I stuck to songs I knew by Linkin Park, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Oasis and Taylor Swift.





By the time we left, Polina was getting very hoarse and sounding like an 80-year-old woman who smokes two packs a day. The crowd thinned out the way it came together as we walked Sammy and Jake to Penn Station for the trip back to SBU before most of the rest of us went to a Korean restaurant for a late dinner. I had a kim chee stew and spicy hand roll sushi, which was very tasty.



By the end of the night, Jacob, Beth, Anya, Panda and Kotah comprised the second wave of overnight guests, accompanying us back to Staten Island. Beth and Jacob left early in the morning to catch a matinee show of Avenue Q, while the rest of us started the day slowly. Polina’s voice was totally gone in the morning, so she was reduced to using handwritten signs like a stroke victim:



Most of the day Polina’s family (eldest sister Sophia and husband Robert and grandparents trickled in) made food and desserts for her birthday party while Panda, Kotah, Anya, Polina and I hung out and did various things. I went out for a bit with Robert and Ella to throw a Frisbee around in Miller Park, and Kotah had to leave early. By about 4 p.m. we were ready to start the party and it was a very long table of food:



Polina still couldn’t speak very loudly, so I acted as her “translator” – she would write down what she wanted to say and I would address it to the appropriate person down the table or announce it to the group. For presents, Polina got a vintage bicycle to take with her back to school, some Origins bath products, a book called "The Crow-Girl" and my present of a “Cognito Ergo Nom” t-shirt, organic lip balm and her favorite shade of lip stick from my collection at home (since I feel somewhat responsible for the upkeep of her lips), and a box of chocolate truffles. Her grandfather also gave her money, as grandparents typically do. She had also received a bonsai tree from Beth and some other presents from friends the night before.



After dinner Polina and I went upstairs and recorded a quick 80-second audio promo talking about the upcoming Open Love NY event next Saturday, which will be used on an upcoming podcast of Polyamory Weekly. I did most of the talking since her voice was so ragged but at least she was audible. And by the way, her illness didn’t stop us from being affectionate this weekend, so we’ll see if my reputed constitution passes the test.

I was going through my emails from last year around this time for her birthday and we had just had our first date (more of a hanging out together kind of thing) at the MIX Festival a week or two prior so we were just getting to know each other. It took upwards of 18 emails back and forth to work out all the logistics and details of meeting up with Laura for my surprise visit to MOMA. Also, I didn’t know her well enough to pick out a present, so we went shoe shopping together with Laura and Patrick.

It is with no small amount of wonder that I look back only one year ago at how much my life has changed in respect to my relationship with her. Of course, I should be used to big changes in my life by now, but still, we've come a long way in just one year. To honor that first birthday, I thought it was a nice tradition to have her pick out something for herself for birthdays (the Questionable Content t-shirt) in addition to whatever I feel I can surprise her with, since she enjoys surprises.

Part 3 of the two-weekend birthday celebration starts on Saturday - stay tuned.

Happy Birthday Polina!

This Sunday was Polina’s birthday, and we spent pretty much the whole weekend together which is why I’m posting this a day late. Hopefully I’ll have a chance to write a recap of all our adventures soon (although not tonight since I’m going to Poly Cocktail Hour in the city).

As I usually do in my blogs, I try to say a few nice things about people on their birthdays. Last year she escaped this tradition because we had only just met. As a side note, I was just realizing that with my last three relationships, I met each of them right around this time of year - October/November. And of course this year, I’m very happy to be able to say a few words about my sweetie.

I know Polina doesn’t necessarily like reading about the qualities in her that I find so attractive, but it’s hard for me to be objective since I’m so fond of her. I suppose one way to say it is that I see a lot of Agnieszka Prime in her, which I know means very little to anyone reading this. Sometimes people just have a certain charisma, an energy to them that is responsive to your own. You see something in them that touches a part of you and a connection is made. From there, you continue to find small links to each other, and like strands upon strands of tiny spider webs, each little thing builds upon the others to form a strong bond.

For us, our initial connection was obviously formed through polyamory, and then through identifying as pansexual and transgender, and to a lesser extent through a shared spiritual philosophy. We’ve reinforced our bond with books (Laurell K. Hamilton, Tamora Pierce, Tom Robbins), TV shows (Firefly, True Blood), music (Linkin Park, Paramore) and late night talks over hot chocolate. Polyamory and being involved in the poly community in New York continues to be the main driver of our relationship and the requisite open communication is the glue that keeps it from falling apart in the face of our many differences.

Some of our differences work for us instead of against us. People tell me that Polina has an old soul, and it is true she is remarkably mature for her age. I’m the opposite, being very young at heart for my age, for reasons that should be quite obvious to those who know me. Our inverted biological and emotional ages tend to cancel each other out and make our age difference less of an issue for us than it would be for most couples. It also gives us some fluidity and freedom in how we act toward each other – we take turns being parental or filial toward each other, although we generally treat each other like most girlfriends do as equals.

So what qualities do I like about her? She makes me laugh; she has a refreshing sense of humor. As I’ve mentioned before, she can be bold in expressing affection toward me. She shares my core philosophies of being true to oneself, living in the moment and loving unconditionally. She is a frank and honest communicator, and she appreciates that quality in me. We make a really good team, with our respective strengths and weaknesses complementing each other – I forget what our Myers-Briggs scores are, but we do seem to mesh well together when we embark on a common goal. We have lots of fun together with whatever we’re doing, whether alone or with other people. And for me, seeing her smile is as beautiful and warming as the sunrise after a long autumn night.

Happy Birthday, my dearest Polina - you are the star by which my heart navigates me through life.

Upcoming poly events

It is shaping up to be a busy week for me, with Poly Cocktail Hour at China 1 on Monday, Nov. 9, our Women's Poly Group meeting on Wednesday, Nov. 11, then our Open Love NY party on the 14th. Polina and I spent most of Saturday afternoon and evening working on stuff for the OLNY party - it's going to be a lot of fun.

For those of you on Facebook, we have created a page on the Open Love NY site on the event, which you can find here.

Open Love NY/Polina Party

For the small number of people who read my various blogs, I am announcing here first that Polina and I are planning the first big public party for Open Love NY that will be a joint celebration for Polina's 19th birthday.

It's going to be at the Lyons Wier Gallery, 175 Seventh Ave. (at 20th Street) on Saturday, Nov. 14 at 7:30 p.m. Non-alcoholic beverages and snacks will be served. Admission is $10, which also gets you a limited-edition Open Love NY bracelet. Plus, $1 from each ticket sold will be donated to poly-related efforts that are important to the poly community.

Lyons Wier Gallery is conveniently located near the 23rd Street Stations on the C, E, 1, F and V subway lines. More details will be forthcoming in the next few days, but I wanted to start getting the word out here.

Work update

So, as promised, there is some news about my job that is altogether encouraging. I've been working now for about six weeks in the marketing communications department of my company (codename: Nearing) as a senior writer under a contract basis, which means technically I'm a contractor for a company down in Sugar Land, Texas working onsite for Nearing in Princeton, New Jersey.

A lot of things happened just this past week. First of all, one of the junior communications associates left the company to work elsewhere. So that's good for me because it will probably mean more work to do. Also, Nearing is an open office environment, which means there are no offices or cubicles, just rows and rows of open desks divided by rows of file cabinets. Even the CEO sits at an open desk. Each section sits together in groups called pods (which means we're all pod people, a la The Invasion of the Body Snatchers).

Up until recently, there was no room in the communications pod for me or Erik, the guy who does internal communications, so we had to sit on the other side of the building with the human resources people. While that did have the advantage of being quieter, it was rather distracting overhearing all the HR chatter, like people being disciplined for sexual harrassment, talking about how much money people make, etc. But once the spot opened up with the associate leaving, my boss asked me to move over to join the pod. I think this is a good sign that she asked me and not Erik to move, even though he's been there longer and is an actual Nearing employee, not a contractor.

Also this week, I've been slammed on a project to write a proposal for a loan guarantee from the Department of Energy (DOE) for a solar power plant in New Mexico. The proposal was due on Thursday, and I was working until 9:30 or 10:30 p.m. on Wednesday and Thursday nights. While that means I was putting in 14-15 hour workdays, I also got lots of kudos from the government affairs people I was working with, which included some senior executives in the company. Another major upside is getting overtime pay since I'm a contractor, which means for every hour beyond eight hours worked in a single day, I get paid my normal rate plus 50% extra per hour. We finished the 120-page proposal and submitted it about two-and-a-half hours before the midnight deadline on Thursday. There will be a second round application in January, so I'll probably be doing the same thing in a few months.

In the meantime, on Friday I was put in charge as the project manager to redesign and build structure for Nearing's green energy, philanthropy and corporate responsibility Web sites. As you might guess, this is a pretty big job, so I'm excited about sinking my teeth into the project instead of just working on small projects that come in drips and drabs. It's also stuff that I not only have experience in (I was the New York office lead for Agent K's corporate responsibility team) but am also passionate about.

All in all, I'm getting more optimistic about my job, and if things continue to go well, I am confident that I will be able to move into Manhattan when my current apartment lease runs out in March.

Stony Brook visit #3

I am just back from a short but intense and lovely visit with Polina out at Stony Brook University. I left my office in Princeton (lots of work news in my next post) at 3 p.m. on Friday to have enough time to get to her school by 7 p.m., which is when her marching band practice ended.

I met up with her at the bandspace and renewed some acquaintances from prior visits and met some new faces. We followed a group of about 30 band members to a Stony Brook ice hockey game, where the team was playing the University of Rhode Island Rams. The band gets free tickets to play at the games, so I got to tag along as a FOB (friend of the band). It was actually the first time in my life I've ever been to an ice hockey game, as it is not a very popular sport in the South. But I've watched enough ESPN in my life to know the basics. It was only the second game for Polina.





Polina did not bring her cymbals to play because they had a drumset instead, so she was allowed to play the crash cymbal for the national anthem:



The game was very tight, but the Sea Wolves were overcome by the score of 3-2 when a goal scored by Stony Brook was ruled to have been made a fraction of a second after the final buzzer sounded. I would have liked to see an instant replay on that, but I guess they don't have that luxury in college games.

We returned to the bandspace and then most of us went to a party at the dorm apartment of the guy who played the drumset, Dan. I got to know one of the Sousaphone players, Steve, who shared his bottle of Chianti with me and Polina. He's from southern California, UC-Berkley, where he earned his music degree in harpsichord, and is now pursuing a master's degree in music history. He asked me what brought me to the northeast, and I gave him the two-minute version of my life history, which he found quite interesting. Then we started talking about polyamory and Polina joined us for part of that conversation, and he was supportive, but didn't think it was something he could do himself.

Polina introduced me around and brought me up to date on what's happening with some of her friends. She spent some time dancing with friends and some time cuddling on the couch with me. We left the party about 1:30 a.m. and headed back to Polina's apartment, where her suitemates were surprised to see us. We stayed up to watch an episode of Castle before climbing up to her top bunk to sleep at around 2:30 a.m.

This visit with my girlfriend was good for me in many ways, not the least of which was lots and lots of kissing/snuggling after missing each other last weekend. But also after our somewhat difficult conversation two weeks ago, I've been able to process that fully (with the help and support of my friends, especially Lori and Sylwia) and continue to live in the moment and love unconditionally. Polina and I continue to focus on loving each other as much and as best we can, given our circumstances, and building what we feel is a sustainable relationship with each other, and one that may someday include other people as well.

Poly goes international

Just a quick post about a very fun night at Poly Cocktail Hour Monday night. I went directly from Princeton and drove to China 1 Restaurant in the city - luckily, the traffic was not very heavy because of the Columbus Day holiday.

There were only a few people there, including my friend Kyle, but I recognized one face from Saturday's picnic in Central Park, a fellow named Rob who had been sitting with Polina most of the afternoon. He's from southern Australia, and he's been on holiday in New York for the past week, but only by chance stumbled upon the Poly Pride event. He actually came to the rally all by himself, which is a pretty gutsy thing to do. However, Polina helped to make him feel welcome enough to show up at PCH two nights later. I only met him briefly, so it was a good chance for me to get to know him better, and he's a delightful fellow and very supportive of the polyamory movement. It's too bad that he lives so far away - he's probably the first guy I've met that might actually have been someone we could have both dated (he's one year younger than me).



I also met a first-time visitor named John and got to know him a bit. There was also a guy named Tommy, who lives in Buenos Aires and is working on a documentary about how true monogamy (one mate for your entire life) is actually a small minority among human relationships. There was Anton, a Mensa fan who talked with Leon when he showed up with Pauline, a Teutonic teenager (she's 19) he met in Italy who came all the way from Germany to visit him. Barbara and Joe also came, and Ken, the guy I dated briefly late last year around the time I first met Polina. He's now getting married to a woman who lives in India whom he met online.

I did my best to introduce everybody around, and keep people engaged with each other. Karaoke Rob showed up, as well as Jeremy, and a few other people I've seen at past events. Reid was there, but spent all his time talking with someone, so I didn't get to talk to him except to say hi. I also met another woman named Barbara who is on my bisexual Yahoo group who was there for the first time.

I noted that I started going to PCH back in April of this year when Polina was in Argentina, and then we started going together throughout the summer ("Busy start of the week" - April 14, 2009) so I'm on a seven-PCH streak right now. When you go to an event this regularly, even a natural introvert like me starts getting comfortable and playing hostess. I'm never better at it than when I'm with Polina ("Baby kitten rescue" - May 12, 2009) but a couple of the new people mistook me for the organizer of the event and couldn't believe that I wasn't, since I seemed to know everybody.

It got to about 10 pm and I was thinking about going home, but K-Rob and Aussie Rob started talking about a hot dog place called Crif's Dogs on nearby St. Marks so we decided to go get a bite to eat. I invited Leon and Pauline along, and they said they would be 10 minutes behind us.



Crif's Dogs is a very interesting place. Not only do they have an extensive lineup of deep-fried hot dogs with all sorts of toppings, but there is a secret speakeasy bar that is accessed through a fake phone booth in the middle of the room. Leon, Pauline and I all squeezed into the booth, Leon picked up the phone and the entire back wall of the phone booth opens up and we walked into the bar to have a look. It's a very posh bar compared to the humble hot dog joint we walked through to get there. The whole set up reminded us of the old TV show Get Smart, or the visitor's entrance to the Ministry of Magic from Harry Potter.

We all ate and talked until it was about midnight, which is way past my bedtime. Aussie Rob and Pauline both were due to fly back the very next day to Australia and Germany respectively, so this is one gathering that will not be replicated for a long time, if ever. Which is a pity because if Polina had only been there, we'd have had two Robs, and teens Pauline and Polina.



All in all, it was a very good night, and very encouraging that polyamory has fans beyond the U.S. I gave Pauline a DVD with a copy of the MTV True Life "I'm Polyamorous" episode on it as a souvenir. Leon and I talked a bit about Open Love NY and getting that ship moving again. Polina and I have been talking today about what we can do together along that line, so we might have some movement on it this week. Stay tuned.

Gone but not forgotten

I am a happy person most of the time. I do get moody and emotional sometimes, but generally I believe that we are responsible for our own happiness, meaning that if we are not happy, it’s up to us to fix it. Whether that means changing our lives or changing our outlook on life, there’s usually no one else that is going to do it for us.

With that note, I will mark a rather bittersweet anniversary for me today, October 14. It was four years ago today that I met Tara, Bee and Bug face-to-face, and began the process of joining a family that ultimately did not work out for me. Since Tara severed ties with me on the first of September, I have had no contact with any of them, other than following her on Twitter.

Some people might be surprised, or not understand why these three people who used to be so close to me less than two years ago would treat me like a total stranger now. I can’t explain the whys and wherefores about the complexity of our relationship in this post, and none of that really matters now anyway.

The short version of the explanation is that Tara is an artist in the purest sense of the word, and as such she is the most uncompromising person I’ve ever met, or am likely to meet. It was one of the things I loved about her at first. Later when we became real-life lovers, that aspect of her character caused some friction and discord, because I am generally a very easy-going kind of person and she is not.

One thing I know about myself is that the rare occasions when I fall in love, I fall pretty damn hard. Part of the process for me when I’m in NRE (new relationship energy) is that I put a lot of energy into learning all about the person I’m with, and I can be pretty amazing in my ability to recollect details. Tara always used to say that I earned my Ph.D. in Tara Studies because I was so focused on learning about her when we were together. Polina might feel the same way, considering I’m learning Russian so I can understand a little more when she’s talking with her family.

So from my perspective, knowing and loving Tara as I do, I understand why she needed to have a complete break from me. I don’t bear her any ill will. A part of me will always love her, and be grateful for what she brought to my life. One of the things I’ve come to learn is that sometimes love is not enough, and it doesn’t always conquer all like in the fairy tales. While it may be the single most important thing in life to me, it’s not the only thing. We each have our own lives to live, and love cannot impede our freedom to live it. I learned that lesson painfully with Tara, and I’m constantly applying that lesson with Polina during our relationship check-ins so as not to impede her growth as a person.

I don’t think I will continue to mark this anniversary in the future, as it doesn’t have much meaning in my present life, and one thing I try to do is live in the moment. But I might do other things in the future to honor the family I used to have, and all the ways they changed me. Even if they never speak to me again, they are as much a part of my past as my estranged birth family. Sometimes we need to remember what has come before so we can carry our lessons forward, and if nothing else, I have proven in my life to be a pretty good student in all kinds of things.