Ski, sauna, spa and shibari

Thursday night, and I'm finally winding down for all the activity from my week off work. Let's recap the highlights.

Sunday night Polina came over and we went across the street to Famous Dave's Barbecue for dinner. We had a good talk about the three topics that were bothering me, namely the proliferation of metamours, the encroachment of our week together from other things, and our second talk about money. It was a good discussion, and also a good affirmation of our relationship and where we stand in each other's lives.

Monday we headed down to Brooklyn so she could visit her dentist to fix a filling that had come loose. From there we went to her home in Staten Island so we could water the plants, do some cleaning, eat dinner and pick up more clothes for later in the week. We dressed up nicely for Poly Cocktails - her in a smart striped vest, necktie and pants, and me in a sparkly black top, leggings and a short grey wool skirt that didn't fit me three months ago until I'd lost weight.

At Poly Cocktails Polina went and had fun while I had meeting after meeting with my Open Love NY committee members, planning February's meeting, getting several fires put out and smoothing ruffled feathers that made one member on the verge of resigning. I did get to spend a little time talking one-on-one with Phrannie, Jill and especially Kerry, who rarely comes out to poly events these days, so it was wonderful to see her. We got home about 12:3o am, so we only got about four hours of sleep until the next morning, when we woke at 6:30 am to go skiing.

We picked up the Volvo ZipCar from the garage one block away, the silver chariot of justice as we call it (a Twilight reference) and drove out to Camelback Mountain in Pennsylvania. It's a relatively small mountain, so the trails are pretty easy. The highlight of the day was when Polina broke one of her skis, probably when she tackled some scoops alongside one of the trails and had a wipeout. Luckily, they didn't make us pay for it, and we just got a replacement. We left early because Polina had taken quite a beating on the slopes, so we stopped at an outlet mall to do a little improptu shopping and had dinner at LongHorn Steakhouse, one of our favorite restaurants, where we had a couple of exceptional steaks before driving back home.

We dropped our things and took the subway downtown to Wall Street Bath and Spa, a Russian bathhouse for my first such experience. We sat in the Russian Sauna, which was kept at 245 degrees, and watched guys get platza, a theraputic flogging with branches of oak leaves soaked in hot water. Unfortunately, the platza guy was all booked up, or else Polina would have gotten one.

We also sat in the Dutch-style sauna, which was a little cooler and had water available in buckets to splash or dunk on you to cool off. There was also a cold plunge pool, just large enough for one person about five feet deep and filled with ice-cold water. This is where you dunked yourself after you got really hot in one of the saunas, and it is a pretty shocking experience! I preferred the Turkish steam room, which is a wet steam heat. We also swam in the very ornate pool and took a dip in the jacuzzi to massage our ski-weary muscles. Afterward we ordered some chicken dumplings with sour cream and a pitcher of tea before showering and trudging home in the falling snow.

Wednesday we visited the American version of the spa by going to Spa Merge 10 blocks north of the apartment. We each got a three-and-a-half hour package that included a facial, a full body aromatherapy massage, and a manicure/pedicure. Other than a few minor service gaffes, the experience was lovely, and I especially enjoyed the facial by my esthetician Hiroko.

After the spa, we came home and were preparing to go to Dance Manhattan for Polina's Argentine tango class that she attends with one of her ex's, Louis, and afterwards to a TES event on basic Japanese rope bondage (shibari). We didn't have any rope, so it turned out that Dave was going to go to the same event and he was going to lend us some rope to play with. This set off another very difficult conversation about relationship boundaries and metamours, but we managed to resolve it and headed to the dance class. I just sat and watched, and it was the first time I'd ever been in a dance studio watching someone teach dance. It was fascinating to see the movement and instruction going on.

At the TES class, it turned out that the instructor brought plenty of jute, or Japanese hemp rope made from natural grass fiber, so it wasn't necessary to borrow Dave's rope, but he did sit behind us in the class. We learned the basics of rope bondage, like safety tips, types of rope, and basic ties like the Somerville Bowline, which Polina and I practiced on each other. We also did a Takate kote, or box tie on each other, which is where the arms are tied behind the back and double strands of rope run across the chest above and below the breasts. It was actually quite a lot of fun - somewhat like the art of origami that I enjoy.

Afterward we went to Dafni Greek Taverna, Polina's first visit to a Greek restaurant, for a late supper before going home and finishing up Season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Today we really slept in until almost 1 pm, then got up for some breakfast I picked up from Financier Patisserie across the street. We started in on Season 3 of Buffy before she had to leave to meet Dave and take him home to Staten Island.

A few hours later I met up with Agnieszka, who came into the city to catch up with me. We entered the lottery for the Broadway rock opera American Idiot, and of course, I was the second name drawn. Agnieszka's name was drawn fifth, but we didn't need to use her entry since I'd already won. My record on drawings is now 6-for-8, and with tonight's win, there's no show I've entered that I haven't eventually won.

We had a quick dinner at a nearby Turkish restaurant and then took our front row center seats ($27 each) for the show. Billie Joe Armstrong, the lead singer of Green Day, was supposed to play St. Jimmy in this performance, but it was an understudy instead, so that was disappointing. The show was a fiery, kinetic extravaganza of punk rock indulgence, but ultimately there wasn't a very coherent storyline. I also caught a little bit of spit from one of the singers from being too close to the stage - it would have been nice to be in the second row for this one. Agnieszka, on the other hand, caught a guitar pick that was tossed down to her by one of the three leads in the finale.

So that's been my week so far. A lot of fun stuff, and a lot of firsts. Lots of time-spending with Polina and good relationship talks. Thankfully I have the next three days by myself to get caught up on Open Love NY stuff, laundry and cleaning up the apartment before work starts again on Monday.

Angel ornament for 2010

So, now that I'm feeling better, it's time to tie up one last loose end from 2010 before anything major happens in 2011; namely, the issue of the Christmas ornament.

As I've said before, I wanted this ornament to represent Bonnie, and my previous ideas have really not panned out the way she deserves. So I had in my refrigerator the bottle of champagne that she brought the first time she came to visit me at my apartment in New Jersey. I thought it very appropriate that a year and a day later, that champagne was finally consumed at Polina's New Year's Day party.

When I opened the bottle, I did so with extra care, thinking back on all the wonderful memories of early 2010 when I was falling for Bonnie, and somehow the bottle itself seemed to take on a great deal of meaning. After all, other than her extraordinary birthday gift, a hand-illustrated scrapbook of our time together, it's one of the very few tangible things I have that she's given me.

So it occurred to me that I should make the Christmas ornament out of the parts of the bottle itself, namely the cork, foil wrapper and wire basket. And since my tree is predominantly decorated with angels, why not make an angel? Most of my angels come from the Metropolitan Museum's collection, which I buy every year, but there's also the handmade paper angel made in Buenos Aires that Polina picked out in 2008 while we were shopping at the Holiday Market in Union Square. That was the year before she went to Argentina, of course.

To make my 2010 angel, first I fashioned the halo by cutting and twisting the wire that holds the cork on the bottle. Then I cut out the wings from the foil wrap around the bottleneck using the pinking shears I got for scrapbooking to simulate feathers. I used leftover strips of the foil to gild the halo to match the gold color of the wings. I also glued the wine label to the back of the wings, so I'll remember the vintage.

I borrowed the tiny Santa hat and a golden hanging thread from the penguin ornament I bought to complete the ornament, and assembled the whole thing with a single pushpin. Here's what it looks like:



What I like about this ornament is that it reflects the creativity and effort that she put into the scrapbook she gave me, still the most overwhelming birthday gift I've ever received, or am likely to receive.

And that's the great thing about the way I love someone - even if they are not around, I can still be inspired by my feelings for them. The holidays, gift-giving, the people I love - they inspire some of my best creative work.

I think about the handmade book of marriage vows I gave to my ex as a wedding present - bound with a leather spine, gold leaf lettering and hand-marbled endpapers, and die cut pages that revealed a golden wax seal of a cherub inside. That book took almost a year of planning (which is how long we were engaged), buying materials, finding the right bookbindery and die cutter, designing the pages with artwork, finding the right handmade paper, etc. etc.

I think of the puppet videos I used to make for Christmas with my stuffed animals hosting their own movie awards shows, interspersed with clips of some of my favorite movie lines. A Christmas video I made on my old iMac of one of M's first Christmases. More recently, I think of music mixes I've made for Tara, Bee, Polina, Linda and Lori, and the associated designs that went into their packaging. I'm no artist, but I am a creative person that just needs an excuse to flex those muscles.

I do miss Bonnie. I think about her a lot, obviously. I miss the days when we texted back and forth every day, when she would distract me at work, when we couldn't imagine our lives without each other. I miss showering her with affection, and being so close that molecules of air would bounce off her, getting caught in my hair to be carried away when we part ... and invisible moisture that escapes with her exhaling breaths would splash on my skin like a million microscopic kisses.

I know that we'll never share those feelings again, but goddess, it was fun while it lasted. And that - more than anything - is what I want to honor and remember with this 2010 Christmas ornament.

Skiing Christmas

On a slow train this morning, as it’s been ever since the Blizzard of 2010. So I’ll spend a little time recapping my Christmas holiday weekend.

Wednesday night Polina and I met at the apartment after I got back from work and she got back from Dark’s and we went to a Cuban restaurant on 46th. They had live music playing, and people were dancing as we walked in. It was a nice atmosphere, but the food was only so-so. Can’t compete with that braised beef at our Carrabba’s near Stony Brook. On our way out we joined the dancers for a few beats until it got so crowded that I was bumping into people.

Thursday we had to get me some ski pants because I stupidly left mine in Yoshi in Princeton. I remembered to get my gloves and goggles, but I didn’t realize that there’s a tub in there with all my heavy winter clothes, including the North Face snowboard pants I bought last year and haven’t ever used. So we went to Sports Authority on 20th to get those on our way back to the Staten Island Ferry Terminal, where we met up with Katie and hung out with her all afternoon at Polina’s house.

Friday morning we got up at 6:30 to head out to Mountain Top, PA, home of Natasha and Pavel, whom we visited over Labor Day weekend. Along the way we stopped at a grocery store and then the car wouldn’t start, so we had to get a jump from someone. So we got there a bit later than we planned, but we still skied the afternoon session at Elk Mountain. It’s a small mountain, so we spent a lot of time on the lifts, but the trails were nicely groomed, there was lots of powder and very few skiers over Christmas.

Saturday morning we intended to ski just the morning, but we woke up to find that one of our tires went flat overnight, so that took time to inflate. So we got there late and just skied the full day. I went on my first black diamond trail, but it wasn’t that hard because I went really slowly (unlike Polina and her dad, who whizzed ahead of me). It’s just not that enjoyable for me to have to stop after a couple of turns and basically ride my edges down a slope. The blues at Elk were perfect for me – good speed and a few gentle turns. The last thing I need right now is to get hurt and have to miss work or jeopardize plans with Polina in January.

Sunday Polina stayed home while her parents and I skied the morning session and returned the equipment. We had some good bonding time on the lifts, where her dad and I talked about their family history and all sorts of things. It’s nice just calling them “mom” and “dad” in everyday life – more personal, less formal. I just think of them as family now.

After we were done skiing, we went to Pep Boys to get the tire fixed, which took hours because it was the first day open after the holiday. So we ended up leaving quite late, about 5:30, as the snow was really starting to come down. The ride home was harrowing, but we made it back to Times Square about 10 pm. Polina and I suggested that everyone stay there with us, but the parents wanted to get home. They didn’t get back to Staten Island until about 1:30 am, and then had to dig out their front door to get into the house.

I had lots of fun this Christmas, a very different kind of Christmas than I’m used to. I used to go skiing over Christmas back in my old life, but not for the last decade or so. Christmas with my NJ family was a very traditional, home-bound affair with lots of presents and a decorated tree. The only thing I didn’t do this year that I’ve done in years past is visit the Angel Tree at the Metropolitan Museum. I think I’ll do that on Friday before going to Staten Island for the New Year’s party, since I’m off the whole day.

2010 in review

So here we are again at the end of the year, or near enough anyway, and it’s time to look back and reflect on how my life has changed. Normally I do this closer to Jan. 1, but since I've been blessed with a snow day to work at home today and I'll be at Polina's house most of this three-day weekend, I thought I'd get it done early this year.

So after a relatively quiet 2009 when I was out of work for most of the year and building my relationship with Polina, this year has been full of the highest highs and the lowest lows since my transition period. Obviously the person most responsible for both of these was Bonnie.

Funny how when I was with my family in NJ, New Year’s Eve was never a big deal for us because we didn’t celebrate the secular/solar new year. But now, because of Polina’s annual fete(which I’ve come to look forward to every year) and the fact that I consider New Year’s Eve the start of my adventures with Bonnie, it’s no longer a day of disinterest for me, since everybody knows how I am with anniversaries.

I say that New Year’s Eve is the beginning because it’s the first time Bonnie and I spent time together alone, after meeting at the Poly Women’s Group, getting to know more about each other via email and then attending her family Christmas party with Polina. We were still quite platonic on New Year's Eve, but it was the start of being intimate in a poly way, cuddling for warmth, watching Firefly episodes and calling our significant others (who were both out-of-state that night) to wish them a Happy New Year as we watched the ball drop on TV.

Bonnie added passion and intensity to my life the way that Tara used to, and from that standpoint, she embodied everything that I was craving in a new relationship. She also provided a necessary balance that fundamentally changed my relationship with Polina and allowed it to flourish in ways I could have scarcely hoped it would at this time last year. For that reason alone, I can only be profoundly grateful for Bonnie’s all-too-brief presence in my life.

As for my year with Polina, it has been nothing but positive as we continue to build a relationship that meets both our needs. We celebrated our second anniversary in October with an exchange of presents and cards out in Stony Brook over some delicious pumpkin ale and a wonderful meal. My move into Manhattan in March made it more convenient at the time to see both my loves, and by now in Polina’s case, we’ve started thinking of this apartment more and more as ours instead of just mine.

The biggest change in our relationship is how we’ve managed to get more of her extended family to be comfortable with us being together and making the holidays better for everyone. Polina’s extended tribe may not understand the poly or even know about the kink stuff, but anyone can see that we love each other and it would be wrong to deny it. And that’s how she gives me a big part of what I need – a sense of family, of belonging, and getting to know the people who are important to the people I love.

We also continue to get more comfortable just sharing space for extended periods of time. Over Christmas holidays, we spent five consecutive nights together here, at her house in Staten Island, and in Mountain Top, PA, skiing with her family. In 2010, we've spent Labor Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family and close family friends, and we’ll spend New Year’s weekend and a wedding in late January with many of them too. What a big difference from last year when I was not invited to accompany them to Baltimore for Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve, or the year before when taking me as her date to her sister’s wedding raised a few eyebrows.

Another big development this year was the growth of Open Love NY, and my role as the president. I never wanted to take this job, but it was either that or watch it fail after all the work I've put into it. By most accounts, I’ve done a fair job in the first 10 months, building the membership up from nothing to over 200.

As I look back on 2010, I’ll also remember seeing Carmen at the Metropolitan Opera, our impromptu trip to Albany, my first touristy visit to the nation’s capital, the start of my new life in the middle of Manhattan, and my first full calendar year of working that I didn’t miss a significant amount of time due to surgery, layoffs or quitting to transition since 2005. I went back to my hometown Houston for the first time since leaving four and a half years ago, and went with Polina to see Porcupine Tree at Radio City Music Hall and Poly Living 2010 in Fort Washington, PA, where I finally met Danielle, one of my oldest online friends.

What will 2011 bring for me? The New Year is approaching more quietly than in years past, so whatever it will be, I’m sure to be surprised. Wherever my path leads, I am excited to take the journey, and I thank you, as always, for reading and coming along for the ride.

Haircut

Here's a proper challenge for my singular talent at winning ticket lotteries - How to get tickets to Saturday Night Live. Someone remind me to do this next August.

I love my new haircut - it's now all one length, and falls to just below my collarbone in front and curves to frame my face. It looks much neater and more professional than the long uneven ends I used to have. The stylist took off about 3-4 inches from the longest part in the back. Since my hair grows so slowly, it's the first major cut I've had in length since 2005.

It feels so different too when I brush through it. Since it's all one length now, the resistance of the comb or brush builds as I get to the end and then poof! it's gone as the ends slide through. So much different from the gradually diminishing resistance I'm used to with my long tapered cut. It makes my hair feel thicker, which is nice.

Had kind of a difficult talk last night with Polina. She's ready for this semester to end. I was trying to give her a pep talk for her last final today, but I think it came off sounding like a lecture. It's hard to find that balance between being a cheerleader and being a nag. Sometimes we all just need to be told everything's going to be ok.

I've also been trying to reconnect with Lori - we've been swapping messages the last few days. I miss having a biffle, and I should be mindful of keeping those connections active.

Taylor Swift

I’m rather ashamed to admit it, but I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift’s new album a lot lately. It’s so cotton candy fluff, it makes my teeth hurt. But it’s also carefully designed to speak to the inner girl in all her fans. I actually only got the album because I was a few dollars short of a free shipping credit from Amazon when I bought my most recent Y: The Last Man book online.

Speak Now is almost an exact reproduction of the successful formula she established with her last album Fearless, which has sold nearly 10 million copies worldwide and won two Grammys. Both opening tracks (“Fearless” and “Mine”) speak of a perfect love. Both closing tracks (“Change” and “Long Live”) are new generation anthems.

Both have childhood songs (“The Best Day” and “Never Grow Up”); fantasy love songs (“Love Story” and “Enchanted”); songs about longing (“You Belong with Me” and “Speak Now”); reminiscing about lost love (“The Way I Loved You” to “Back to December”); and plenty of breakup songs (“You’re Not Sorry” to “Dear John”, “White Horse” to “The Story of Us” and “Forever & Always” to “Last Kiss”).

Anyway, tonight is the first (hopefully) annual Open Love NY holiday party. We’ve come a long way as an organization since Polina and I planned her 19th birthday party together as the first OLNY public event. I wish she could be here tonight to be a part of it – she deserves as much credit as anyone for getting this train out of the station. Tonight I’m wearing the pendant she gave me for our anniversary, just so I’ll remember that.

Losing weight

It's chicken parmigiana day here at the office, which is hard to resist, but not impossible. It's the second week of eating healthy, and I'm definitely noticing the results. It's helpful that Polina is doing it with me, so we can support each other and swap cooking tips.

I always felt like my problem is not losing weight, but keeping it off. But I also recognize that my life over the last two years has been so chaotic that I haven't been able to focus on healthy eating, which leads to shortcuts like eating too much takeout and junk food.

It's also not helpful that Nearing provides tasty hot entrees, soups and desserts at work that are not always very healthy. It's like eating out every day for lunch already. Thankfully, they also provide healthy salads, sandwiches and fruits too - it's only a matter of choosing them over the other stuff.

Even after just my first week, I've noticed a difference in my waistline just by cutting out carbs and fat. I've also noticed a reduced craving and appetite for food, and I've come to realize that a lot of times I eat not because I'm truly hungry, but just because it's mealtime, or I'm bored, or I have food cravings. So by taking away food cravings and putting stricter rules about what I allow myself to eat, I'm drastically reducing the number of calories I consume per day. I also mistake thirst for hunger a lot too, so I've been drinking a lot more water at home than I did before.

Another plus is getting back into the habit of cooking food, which I used to do regularly when my family spent Saturday nights over at my place for dinner, playing cards and watching movies. Without that regular interaction, I got lazy with the cooking. I've only hosted one dinner at my current apartment (the True Blood marathon this past summer) which is too small for anything more than four people (and they'd better be cozy with each other). But this past week I made a grilled chicken breast with artichoke hearts in a balsamic vinegar sauce, a Chinese chicken stir-fry and fried tofu with hot bean sauce and pickled bamboo shoots. So I'm going to try and keep inventing new things as I go along.

I think more and more that I must be a submissive personality at heart. I like having the boundaries on food and feeling in control of what I'm eating because I'm following rules. I suppose the people who know me best would say I show similar patterns in other aspects of my life. I think I've always thrived with structure rather than chaos. I like routine, to a point. I don't know if it's a reaction to the maelstrom my life has been in the past six years, or if I've always been this way. If I was always this way, I don't see how I would be the person I am today because my old life had a lot more structure in it than this life ever will.

The New World

I watched Terrence Malik's The New World today, starring Colin Ferrell, Christian Bale and Christopher Plummer, about Pochahontas and Captain John Smith. It was certainly one of the most unusual movies I've ever seen.

The film, as the entry describes, is shot almost entirely with natural light. To modern audiences, this small thing itself is a revelation. We're so used to artificial light in the movies (or even digitally created CGI lighting) that to watch an entire movie that shows the different quality of light on sunny, cloudy, rainy days; candlelight inside wood cabins - it's visually stunning to behold.

The description on IMDB pretty much says it all - this is a long, plodding, sometimes boring movie. I started it last night and finished it this morning because it was putting me to sleep in the middle. But, it did make me think a lot about how a lot of people, including me, who live in cities, get their food from supermarkets and rarely walk barefoot through fields of grass have lost an essential contact with nature.

This movie reminded me that there is much humanity that we put ourselves in danger of losing when we distance ourselves from the natural world.

Staten Island home theater

For the past couple weeks, Polina and I have been talking about installing a home theater in her parents' house in Staten Island, ever since I determined that I couldn't install my projector in my own apartment. I hate having all that stuff go to waste, so she got permission for me to install it there, and this weekend I got it done, since she came home to celebrate her 20th birthday.

This is my fourth front-projection theater install that I've done (my parents, my ex's parents and my old office in Houston are the others) and one of dozens of theaters I've assembled for myself and friends, coworkers, bosses and relatives throughout the years. So that experience helped me get the job done quickly.

Since I already had my Panasonic 720p HD projector, Luma pull-down screen, Polk center channel speaker and 25-foot video cables, the expensive stuff was already paid for. Over the past week I have been shopping online for deals, and I got a terrific one in Crutchfield's scratch and dent section on an Onkyo TX-SR308 receiver for $186 and free shipping. I also got a fantastic deal on an LG BD-570 Blu-Ray player with wi-fi for $160 at hhgregg near my office.

I also found a Final S95 powered subwoofer from Outlaw Audio for $89 and free shipping. Then Friday, I stopped at Best Buy on the way to SI to buy a pair of Polk TSi100 bookshelf speakers for $200 to finish the front sound wall. I opted not to install rear speakers because it probably would have overwhelmed the 'rents.

My first step was to install the projector on the ceiling over the sofa on the far wall, and I used a plastic cable cover the hide the wires along the ceiling. Then I used tiny plastic brackets and nails to snake the long video cables along the ceiling above the fireplace and down to the equipment on the floor:


Next I unpacked all the sound equipment and ran the speaker wires to the Polks and hooked up the Blu-Ray player and subwoofer. Then I tried to hang the screen, but found out I needed a larger wood screw that I didn't have. So when everyone got home about 11 p.m., that was the only thing incomplete. So we hung up a bedsheet as a makeshift screen to demonstrate the projector.

The next morning, I went to a nearby hardware store to get the screw, and finished hanging the screen. So here's what it looks like:





On Saturday people started arriving in the late afternoon for Polina's birthday party, mostly friends from school, plus Ryan, Anna, Dakotah, Panda and Patrick.


Her mom made a carrot cake for the birthday cake, and they did actually have 20 candles on it.




We played games like Apples to Apples, What? and Mafia, and after some people had to leave, Polina's parents joined up to watch my Blu-Ray copy of Disney's Beauty and the Beast on the home theater, which was lovely.

The next day was spent chilling with Brett, Polina's friend and the only person who stayed over Saturday night. We played a couple games of Blokus with her dad, and after Brett left, I worked on the theater some more, hooking up their cable box and Sony Playstation while Polina did homework. In the evening her grandparents came over for a family birthday celebration and to watch Russian television on the projector. After dinner I went home and Polina's parents took her back to school.

It was a lovely birthday celebration, a bit quieter than years past, but still the same spirit as past parties. I'm happy that my theater equipment has a new home where I can visit it, instead of sitting dormant and unused in boxes.

Time Flies

This is the video that played on the giant screen at the Porcupine Tree concert at Radio City Music Hall. I think it stands up quite well as a short film on its own.

It is high-resolution, so you might need to pause and let the whole video download before you play it. The full 12-minute long version may be released at a future date.

PORCUPINE TREE - TIME FLIES - HD VERSION from GRANT WAKEFIELD on Vimeo.

HvZ at SBU

I am following a group of about 25 college students on a windy, chilly night as they make their way across the Stony Brook University campus, heavily armed with sock grenades, Nerf pistols, blowguns and automatic rifles that shoot rubber tipped darts using compressed air. Suddenly the cries ring out – “ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES!” – as a large group of 50 to 60 zombies appear from the shadows and spot the rear guard of the humans. Ten seconds later, the zombies attack – charging on the dead run as the rapid-fire clicking of plastic unleashes a hail of foam darts which stop the first wave of zombies in their tracks. But wave after wave they just keep coming, eventually breaking through the human firing lines to tag their hapless victims, turning them into zombies and switching allegiances in this eight-day war. With their backs against the school library, the remaining humans make a valiant stand before they are eventually wiped out and assimilated into zombieland.



That was highlight of my weekend of adventures that started with an Open Love NY camp-out (which was really more of a camp-in because it was at someone’s five-bedroom vacation house in New Caanan, CT). I drove Yoshi from Princeton after work on Friday and picked up an OLNY newbie named Glenn at my apartment before heading out there. We watched movies and the Yankees game, played games, ordered pizza and I made spaghetti and sauce for everyone (which people seemed to enjoy). We built a fire in the fireplace and people recited poetry and told stories as if we were around a campfire.

In the morning, I led a grocery shopping trip with Leon and his companion Ardella and Bill to get supplies for the remainder of the weekend. After those were put away, I played a game of chess with Ardella (the first time in years for of us) and eventually I prevailed by checkmate.

Then I left to drive to Bridgeport and board the ferry, arriving at the landing only three minutes before departure – damn, that was close! The 75-minute ferry ride across Long Island Sound was pretty rough since the wind was blowing so hard, but it was fun watching the curl of white foam on the waves. I also enjoyed watching seagulls trying to break open shellfish by picking them up and dropping them on the rocks over and over as we arrived in Port Jefferson on Long Island.



It was a quick drive to Stony Brook to meet up with Polina, and we went to Target to buy and exchange some clothes. I found a pair of work-appropriate jeans, i.e. ones that weren’t pre-ripped. Polina also found some cargo pants and jeans in the men’s section. Then we went to the drugstore and to John Harvard’s Brew House for our anniversary dinner, where we exchanged cards and gifts and shared a glass of delicious pumpkin ale. We talked about our relationship and how much we are enjoying each other, and our hopes and ideas for the future.

We came back to campus and went out at 9 pm so she could assume her role as moderator of the Humans vs. Zombies game that started last Thursday and runs for eight days, and involves over 1,000 student players. We attended a briefing for the human army (about 50-60 people) before they split up into three groups to try and accomplish their mission.



Polina took on the role of an engineer and unfortunately got killed at the library, reverting back to being just a moderator.



Fortunately for the humans, one of their other groups managed to succeed in their mission at the Javits building by hiding their engineers in the bushes while the rest of the human force held off a large zombie mob in the open plaza. I know it sounds really dorky, but being out in the night and seeing a zombie army charge screaming “BRAINS!!” is actually kind of cool to watch.



The next day I went with Polina to a moderator meeting where they talked about how things went poorly the previous night and how to balance the game a little better, since the humans are losing badly and they weren’t even at the halfway point yet. Afterwards Polina made us some lunch before going out again for a Humans vs. Humans mission in the daytime. For this mission, two teams of humans battled each other to obtain a zombie cure, which could be used to convert some of the zombies back to human.



After that was done, we went out to dinner at Carraba’s and sat at the kitchen counter to watch people cook while we ate, then got some groceries before I dropped her off to go home.

Supremely single

I was reading in today’s USA Today a letter from a reader commenting about a story that appeared last week about the personal backgrounds of the U.S. Supreme Court justices. The letter reads:

“I was dismayed, however, that it described both Justices Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor with ‘Family: Unmarried.’ Women and men do not need to be defined by what they are not. They are single. Period. The single vocation is valid on its own terms.”

Interestingly, the author of this letter was writing from Wiesbaden, Germany.

This comment really got me thinking about how ingrained the institution of marriage is in this country, that a newspaper as high-profile and cosmopolitan as USA Today could define anyone’s family as “unmarried.” Note that the category is not martial status, but “family.” As if parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, children out of wedlock, adopted children, nieces, nephews and cousins don’t count as “family.” No, in order to have a family, you must be married first, according to USA Today.

It would be particularly galling for those GLBT people who are currently not allowed to be married to be referred to in this way. To be described as “Unmarried” when one does not have that legal option is like an unjust accusation and conviction.

And the letter’s author brings up an excellent point that we should not be defined by what we are not. It’s just like I’d rather say I’m in an open relationship rather than saying a non-monogamous relationship. It takes away the presumed expectation that you’re not there yet, but someday you hope to be.

And of course that kind of language also presumes that everyone’s goal in life is to be married. Clearly, if you want to become a Supreme Court justice, it’s expected of you.

Life in the fast lane

When I first moved here from Houston, Tara warned me about adjusting to the pace of life in the northeast. It didn’t take me very long to get acclimated.

In most parts of the South, it’s unheard of to walk on the escalators. Here’s it’s fairly common practice, especially in commuter areas. When I used to work in Midtown, I would go through the Lexington/53rd metro station every day, which has a very long escalator. Riding it took you a full 45-60 seconds; walking cut that to maybe 10-15 seconds. And every day, people would walk up or down on the left, while riders stood to the right.

This morning I was heading to a short escalator into Penn Station when two women merged right in front of me and stood side-by-side to ride down. I said “excuse me” and they looked at me like I had two heads. The woman on the left grudgingly slid halfway, and I pushed past her, bumping her with my backpack. As I reached the bottom one of them called out, “you could have taken the stairs easily!” I didn’t respond because there’s no point in engaging with imbeciles when I’m late for my train, but I also didn’t want to be cast as the rude New Yorker, although sometimes I am.

But honestly, I didn’t expect them to block the escalator like that, and even if I did, I still wouldn’t have taken the stairs. Unless you’re an invalid, there’s no reason you can’t walk down an escalator. And keeping people from doing so, especially going into a train station when seconds could mean the difference between catching and missing a train, is incredibly rude to me.

Living in Times Square as I do, several things are starting to really irritate me on the days I choose to walk along Seventh Avenue. People walking slowly while looking at their phones, stopping to take pictures in the middle of the sidewalk with no warning. People who gesture with their arms in crowds pointing at this or that – more than once I’ve had to push somebody’s arm down to walk past them. Guys that stand with signs at the corners advertising comedy shows or happy hours and forcing me to duck under them. People who sit on my stoop to smoke cigarettes and block me from walking into my front door. The list goes on and on.

Don’t get me wrong, I still like where I live. It’s very convenient, and sometimes I do like to feel the energy of the crowd when I’m not in a hurry for something. Walking in New York is like a carefully choreographed dance of near-misses. People walk by you as if the game is to lightly brush your clothes without actually bumping with the body parts under them. This is something I’ve routinely come to accept as a part of life here. But this morning’s escalator-blocking incident just riled me because it was an instance when the non-natives or the just plain stupid natives (whichever they were) don’t respect the pace of the city I live in.

On another note, I bought my copy of Beauty and the Beast today, my first Blu-Ray disc (which is included in the DVD because it doesn’t come any other way). I’ve been thinking about installing my projector (finally) and talked to my building superintendent to borrow the ladder. I already bought all the necessary hardware to install it, so it’s kind of wasteful not to go ahead and do it.

That will mean I might go ahead and buy a Sony Playstation 3 for its Blu-Ray capabilities. So maybe I’ll take some days off soon and devote myself to that project. I wouldn’t really want to use my projector on an everyday basis because from the playpen the picture would be too close and too big, like sitting in the front section of the theater. But it would be cool to have for parties to play movies or games in high-definition, if I ever chose to have people over for dinner again.

P-Tree, RenFaire and Shopping

This is post #300 in this blog. Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! :)

It's been a super-busy three-day weekend, since I took Friday off work to pick up Polina from school and take her back to Manhattan to see Porcupine Tree in concert. I had reserved a ZipCar, just a basic Nissan Sentra, but ZipCar called me the night before and said that the car required service, so they offered me a free upgrade to a Volvo S40 sedan in silver. It was a nice perk since it was brandy-new with less than 4,000 miles on it, and had a sunroof, leather power seats and a nice stereo with iPod connections. Plus, it was just too cool driving a car so similar to Edward Cullen's Volvo S60R from the Twilight series.

The concert was a terrific event, and undoubtedly the best of the three concerts I've seen from the band, although I was a little disappointed not to hear Halo and What Happens Now?, which are two of my favorite songs. But the visual effects were so much more impactful, with a huge projection screen put to excellent use on several songs, notably Time Flies (my favorite from their newest album, The Incident). Also, it was the first time for both of us in Radio City Music Hall, which is the largest venue they've ever played in New York - what a beautiful art-deco palace it is! Best of all, RCMH is only three blocks from my apartment, which was very convenient.



Between the second and third sets we went down to the lobby to buy souveniers and meet up with the band's agent, Joshua, whom I met through my friend Jennifer at work. We met him and his boss and chatted about the band for a while before returning to our seats. After the concert, we picked up some banana pudding and steamed milk from Magnolia Bakery in Rockefeller Center on the way home, where we took turns reading our C.S. Lewis book in the upgraded playpen before bed.

Here's the set list for the P-Tree show, in case there are any die-hard fans reading:

First Set (Semi-Acoustic)
Stranger By The Minute, Small Fish, Pure Narcotic, Black Dahlia, Futile

Second Set
Even Less: Full version, Open Car, Lazarus, Tinto Brass, The Sky Moves Sideways (Phase One), I Drive the Hearse, Bonnie the Cat

Third Set
Occam's Razor, The Blind House, Great Expectations, Kneel and Disconnect, Drawing the Line, Dislocated Day, Time Flies, Anesthetize: Part 2: "The Pills I'm Taking", Up the Downstair, Sleep Together

Encore
Arriving Somewhere But Not Here



Saturday morning Polina woke up early to catch a train back to school and I took a bus up to Tuxedo, NY for the New York Renaissance Festival, my third time at this event as well. I got my hair braided, which makes me look so different from the front - I really didn't like what I look like with my hair all slicked down, but it was pretty from behind.

Unlike past RenFaires, I spent most of this one shopping for stuff, and my friends were a big help in choosing clothes. I got a full-length burgundy overskirt with lace-up sides, and a black satin underskirt with a subtle star pattern. I also got a cream silk wench top with princess sleeves and a subtle stripe pattern in the weave.

I found a nice pleated purple skirt for Polina to match with her corset, and most importantly, I found a new amulet for the new year, which I will charge on Samhaim next month.

Today I continued the clothes buying spree with a trip to Loehmann's, since September I get my birthday discount (even though I celebrate my birthday in July). I spent a few hours at the flagship store on Seventh Avenue at 16th Street, and a lot of time in the communal dressing room choosing things. In total, I bought seven skirts, a dress, four tops, a pair of pants and earrings - practically an entire wardrobe heavy on skirts, which I've decided I should wear more of, especially in the winter when I can wear tights.

Afterwards, I went to Chinatown to pick up some groceries and went home to wash all my new clothes and sort through my closets to make room for all the new stuff by taking out the old things that aren't getting worn for any number of reasons. Those have all gotten bagged up and shoved in a corner behind the couch.

Now off to bed, and another busy week coming up. Goodnight.

Living space

Back after a long hiatus, where my life has changed so much in nine months. Time for a fresh start here.

For those of you who haven't visited me and don't know firsthand, my living room is rather unorthodox. Coming from a larger apartment in New Jersey to my smaller apartment in Times Square back in March, and with bland, cookie-cutter furniture that I bought as a set in a furnished apartment after the fire of 2007, my stuff isn't what I'd call ideal for my present living space.

Specifically, my queen-sized bed pretty much takes up the entire bedroom floorspace without room for a nightstand, although I manage by using a windowsill to hold my alarm clock and a lamp. Plus, there's enough room for a slim bookcase and my DVD cabinet, which is getting full to the bursting. I might have to start shedding plastic cases soon. But there's not much that can be done about that because I'm not giving up my $3,000 bed, and I do have the occasional sleepover guest, which precludes a smaller bed anyway.

In the living room it's too tight to place my sofa and loveseat in the conventional "L" formation, so I've mashed them up against each other to form a bed-like cuddle space, with the padded arms and backs forming little walls around the perimeter, and an entryway at the far end where the sofa protrudes. This makes it nice to lay down to watch TV and movies, and if I want to sit up, I usually sit at my desk, although that's way over to the side.

The problem is that my sofa is wearing out and tends to suck you into the seam where the back meets the seat. It's also been damaged by various, um, physical activities performed on it over the past couple years, but it's still in one piece. But this playpen arrangement is not very comfortable because the front edges of the sofa and loveseat form an annoying ridge in the middle, which can be uncomfortable over time.

I played with the idea of throwing the sofa away and moving the loveseat (which is in better shape) to its position, then buying an overstuffed chair to face it. That would have created floor space for an ottoman or a coffee table, and made it possible to someday get a Nintendo Wii or PS3 Move and have space to play games. But I'd lose the cuddle space entirely, and the ability to lay down to watch movies, which I'd grown accustomed to. It would have also cost quite a bit of money and required me to get help to move the sofa out.

So instead I decided to improve the cuddle space with a cheap and easy fix. I bought a twin-sized memory foam mattress topper, four inches thick, for $88 at Wal-Mart. I cut out the box and tail shape to fit the playpen using a utility knife, and used the extra material in the seams around the outer sides, since those are getting lower. Then I put the couch cushions on top of the memory foam, and covered with the comforter as usual.

I also addressed the problem of drift (the two halves moving away from each other) by putting a non-skid carpet pad under the rug that the playpen sits on. The fact that there's a single piece of foam under the cushions should also alleviate this problem.

So here's what it looks like:



I tried it out last night and oh, what a difference! The seam in the middle is now pretty much gone, and the whole area feels like a single space instead of two areas joined together, and like a soft mattress instead of a lumpy old couch. It's heavenly. I love being a DIY'er.

I can't wait to try it out with Polina tonight after the Porcupine Tree concert :)

On an extended hiatus

.
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Dear Reader,

Circumstances in my life have changed somewhat, and I feel the need to retreat a little from the public blogosphere for a while - maybe a long while at that. I don't know who reads this blog, and I don't really care (as you can infer since it's strictly a one-way conversation). I seriously doubt anyone reads this space who would miss it if it goes away. But as I said, I need to be a little more private for now to work on some things outside the public view. Depending on how things work out, I may or may not be back.

So here's the deal. I have many ways of communicating online, and this is but one of them. So if you are a dedicated reader, or if you know me in person and want to stay connected with me, send me an email at waterlily888@gmail.com and tell me who you are. If I want to stay in touch, I will tell you where you can find me elsewhere on the Internet. If I don't, then I'll write you a polite reply saying so. All emails will be answered - I promise.

Thank you for reading this far, and if I don't hear from you, then brightest blessings on your journey through life. Even though we may have never met, I've enjoyed our time here together.

Peace,
Michelle

Happy New Year!

It was a nice four-day New Year's weekend for me that will probably have some lasting repercussions going into 2010. I wanted to get everything down before this weekend's activities start.

On Thursday, New Year's Eve, Polina went with her family to Baltimore to visit friends and spend the holiday with them, so I invited my friend Bonnie (whom we visited at Christmas) over to my apartment to keep me company. We watched The Tale of Despereaux and The Last Unicorn (because she reads my blog, of course) and I got her started on Firefly by watching the first two episodes. When the clock neared midnight, I called Polina and we wished each other a happy New Year, and Bonnie did the same with her long-time partner, Hiba, who also attends our monthly women's poly group.

Bonnie stayed over and the next morning I woke up feeling headachy and nauseous, so I took some pain reliever and went back to bed to take a nap. Bonnie watched the Loony Tunes marathon on the Cartoon Network while keeping me company. Eventually the medicine took effect and I got up to make peanut noodles for Polina's New Year's Day party at her house.

We packed up everything and drove into Manhattan, where I dropped Bonnie off at the subway station to go back home to Queens while I continued down to Staten Island to help Katie and Polina get set up for the party. It was a masquerade party, so I decided to do my take on Neil Gaiman's Death of the Endless using a leather mask I'd bought at the New York Renaissance Festival last year when I went with my Open Love NY friends. For those of you who don't know this character, here's a representative drawing:



I drew Death's distinctive glyphs around my eyes, which you can see a little behind my mask. I think Polina is dressed as a very fancy mime.



Polina's parents stayed in Baltimore, so it was just the younger crowd this year, unlike last year's party when her whole family, including the Baltimore people, attended. Patrick and Alyssa, who attended Polina's karaoke party for her birthday, also sported some fancy outfits and masks:





We had a few first-time attendees this New Year's: Ryan and Aidan, who are both persons of interest for Polina right now. Aidan is a former classmate at Stuyvesant who now attends Cornell University, and of course Ryan is our resident BDSM guru.



Over the course of the evening, we played lots of games (Apples to Apples, Never Have I Ever, Mafia) and opened lots of presents. I gave Polina a whip/crop, a book on Japanese Rope Bondage, a Remo drum practice pad and Pro-Mark drumsticks that her school snare drum line uses so she can start practicing for tryouts in the fall; and more books - Castle Waiting, Death: The Time of Your Life and The High Cost of Living. Ryan performed some rope ties on Polina and me, and Polina and Louis performed some of their Argentine tango:



Rounding out the crowd were Anya and her boyfriend Peter, Dakotah, and their friend Vanessa. As it started getting close to 6 a.m. and the party was winding down, I set up my two air mattresses in the master bedroom and eight of us slept in that room while Peter and Anya shared the guest bedroom. The next day was spent looking at stuff online and general socializing as people started drifting off one by one.

2009 in review

Well, here we are, New Year's Eve again, and once again it's time for my annual wrap-up post.

As many of you know, one of my key tenets in life is to live in the moment. The main reason I adopted this philosophy was because of the fire of 2005, when my house in Houston nearly burned to the ground at two o'clock in the morning. It was practically a total loss - a lifetime of memories and possessions destroyed in one night. The event had a profound impact on my life, both materially and as a catalyst for my personal growth.

But the point I'm making here is that no matter how settled or stable you think your life is, no matter how predictable it seems today, you can wake up tomorrow to find everything changed in an instant. Nothing in life is certain, except that it will someday end. And as someone who knows this first-hand, this is why I strive to live each day on its own merits. We have no control over what's happened in the past, nor what will happen in the future. We can only control what we do in the present, and that's where I try to keep my focus, always.

With the exception of course of this blog post, which I indulge myself a peek in the rearview mirror. And of course, this year 2009 has pretty much been all about the change in my relationships and finding a job. From the first time Polina and Lori came over to my apartment ("Cooking party" - Jan. 24, 2009) which was also the first time I'd ever had friends outside Tara and her family over, to our recent adventures over Christmas ("Christmas parties" - Dec. 27, 2009) Polina has become an increasingly important part of my life.

At the same time, my relationship with Tara and her family deteriorated over the course of eight months, beginning with our decision to stop having sex ("Unconditional love" - Feb. 22, 2009) and finally ending on Sept. 1 when she came over to return my keys and stuff left at her house, and tell me we would no longer be part of each other's lives. It was by no means a shock to me, because for most of this year our relationship has been marked by some vicious fights and very difficult talks, ever the moreso because we loved each other so much. But in the end, we simply could not bridge the differences in our core beliefs that separated us.

Next to that development, everything else seems pretty insignificant. I got my new job, which is great and I love it, except for the long commute ("First day at work" - Sept. 10, 2009). I marched in my first Pride Parade ("My first Pride Parade!" - June 29, 2009), played my first cricket game ("My first cricket game" - July 8, 2009), my first karaoke bar ("Karaoke virgin no more!" - July 27, 2009), and my first wedding as someone's date ("A wedding story" - Sept. 13, 2009).

Pretty much everything else of importance is already chronicled in the 110-plus blog posts for 2009, so I'll end this here. As usual for me, it's been a pretty exciting year, some good, some bad, but hardly ever boring. I'm happy to be sharing it, and thank you, whoever you are, for following along.

Christmas parties

It's been a very fun and eventful 72 hours with Polina, as we cavorted between two states and three New York boroughs doing Christmas-y stuff, and I'm grateful for her company over the holiday and taking care of my needs that way.

I've been super-busy at work right up until Christmas as part of a team putting together a proposal for a loan guarantee from the Department of Energy. Both Monday and Tuesday this week I was working until 10:30 p.m., but on Wednesday afternoon we submitted it, well before the 11:59 p.m. deadline that day, so I got to go home a little early. I even had time to go out to lunch with my female co-workers to say bon voyage to one of our departing colleagues.

On Thursday, Christmas Eve, I drove out to Staten Island to pick up Polina and go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the first time we've been there together. I took her around to see my favorite rooms and works of art (although my favorites from Claude Monet, JMW Turner and John Singer Sargent were missing from their usual places). We had a late lunch in the Trustees Dining Room, a members-only privilege that I've been wanting to partake of since I joined the Met three-and-a-half years ago.



After a meal of chestnut soup, steak, scallops and a chocolate lava cake that was almost too pretty to eat, we sat for a while and had a relationship check-in. It seems she has been feeling a little overwhelmed with the primary nature of our relationship lately, so we're going to try and slowly de-emphasize the importance of it in our lives - or at least in hers. So we're going to try and reverse our movement the same way we got here - making small moves, taking one day at a time, and just trying to be gentle and good to each other.

We spent the rest of the afternoon wandering the museum and looking at art, then went to a nearby bistro/diner to eat an early supper of Eggs Florentine (poached eggs over steamed spinach and English muffins, covered with Hollandaise sauce, which is made from egg yolk, lemon and butter cooked in a double boiler and wisked smooth) and French toast. Then we took a cab down to Rockefeller Center to see the big Christmas tree above the ice rink, which she had never been to see before.



We stayed to watch the musical light show on the side of Saks Fifth Avenue, done to the tune of "Carol of the Bells" (which she can sing in Ukrainian) and then went into St. Patrick's Cathedral to listen to the last of the Christmas Mass singing. Then we took a cab back to the Met and drove home to Staten Island.

Christmas morning we left in the morning and went to my apartment, where we changed clothes and I showered and made us a breakfast of omlettes and turkey bacon before going to see Sherlock Holmes. We arrived right before one show started, and it was sold out, so we waited in line for the next show. I read my book and she edited a friend's novel for about 45 minutes before they let us in. Awesome movie for the both of us - she enjoyed the homoerotic Holmes/Watson dynamic, and I appreciated the little nods to the original source material from the Arthur Conan Doyle canon.

After the movie we drove to Queens for my friend Bonnie's family Christmas party. Bonnie, for those of you who don't know, is a relatively new member of my women's poly group, and the first poly Asian female I've met that I can remember. We attended a PolyNYC meeting way back, but I didn't remember her until she reminded me. We arrived a bit late, but Bonnie saved us some food, and even prepared a plate without pork/ham for Polina, knowing that she's Jewish, which was much appreciated. She also made some delicious cookies, which we ate along with a traditional Chinese chestnut cake, cupcakes from Crumbs Bakery and her aunt's excellent New York style cheesecake. For me, this was a bit of a nostalgic experience of being in a holiday party with a bunch of loud Asians, although my experience has been with an even louder group than Bonnie's family. It's not something I particularly miss, but it was interesting feeling that kind of energy again after several years of not being a part of it.





We left around 9 p.m. and drove back through Manhattan to New Jersey to go to friends Ryan and Beth's ("Polys in the wild" - August 11, 2009) Christmas party, where we ate yet another plate of food and had some egg nog with spiced rum as well. We watched Independence Day with the crowd of about 16-18 friends, then played a card game called Apples to Apples for a few hours until people started departing. We were among the last to leave about 2:30 a.m., going back to my place to sleep.

We lingered in bed until after noon on a very rainy Saturday, but finally got up and had breakfast and planned our day. We wanted to shop for ski wear, and Polina left her phone at Ryan's place, so we went to a nearby Ski Barn first, but the prices were way more than we wanted to pay. We stopped at a Staples to get a replacement iPod cord and other computer things Polina needed, then another quick stop at home because she forgot to take her coat out of my coat closet, and I gave her one of my spare flash drives for her keychain so she wouldn't have to buy one at Staples.

We stopped by Ryan and Beth's place and hung out with them for a while before heading back to Staten Island and having dinner. Polina showed me the student film she helped to edit, and we showed her mom and grandmother the movie trailer for Sherlock Holmes. I was intending to go home that night, but it got to be rather late and the weather was absolutely lousy, so I stayed and we watched Eddie Izzard's stand-up comedy movie Dress to Kill before going to sleep. It's the first time Polina and I have spent three consecutive nights together, which is ironic in view of our new direction.

I left Staten Island this morning after breakfast and went to Sports Authority, where I did manage to find a ski jacket and pants, goggles and socks, so I'm pretty well set to go skiing, whenever the opportunity presents itself. I just wish I was in better physical shape, because I know I'll be gassed quickly on the first day. But it would still be fun to go and play in the snow.

Taking stock of love

I've been thinking about the differences between poly and mono, and the stock market. And remember, I am definitely in the category of hopeless romantic, but I'd like to talk about relationships using the stock market as an analogy. Bear with me, this is going to be good.

The American system of capitalism embodied in the stock exchange works on the principle of perfect information, or transparency. Any information about publicly traded companies that is deemed to be "material" - that is, something that might affect earnings, has to be publicly disclosed. So if a pharmaceutical company invents a new drug to cure cancer, every step along the development of the product (positive and negative) must be announced. This ensures that the price of the company's stock always reflects as closely as possible what the market will pay for it, in as close to real-time as possible.

So if people are optimistic about a company and think well of its prospects, appetite for the stock increases and the price goes up. Conversely, if the company appears to be headed for hard times, people will sell any stock they are holding and the price falls. If information is not disseminated as it should be (i.e. insider information) it's illegal to act on it to profit in the market. Just ask Martha Stewart.

So it is in a way with relationships. If you believe that a relationship with someone has a good future, you "buy stock" in the form of spending time and effort being with them and nurturing the relationship. If you think the relationship is headed for disaster, then you're more likely to "sell off" slowly or quickly, by either spending less time with them or dumping them entirely.

Now, the difference between poly and mono is that, in most cases, poly people are more likely to embrace the whole "transparency" concept when it comes to relationships. Consider that in a poly relationship, where each person agrees to be as candid as possible about their feelings and attraction to the other person or other people, everyone involved is kept fully informed. By being informed, each person can then make an informed decision on whether they want to keep buying stock in the relationship, hold the amount they already have, or start selling it off and reallocating their resources elsewhere (i.e. dating other people).

However, in a mono situation, that's like buying a majority interest in one company and letting your investment stay in that one particular stock without any active management on your part. And that's great, if the company you invested in is a blue-chip stock with long-term success in the market, like Apple Computer, General Electric or ExxonMobil. You'll probably come out ahead with a lot less effort.

But if you picked a company that looked safe once that later falls on hard times - like AIG or General Motors - you might find yourself holding a lot of worthless paper, especially if you're not paying attention because you think your choice is faultless. In a mono situation, it's easy to get lazy and stop the regular flow of information because you are fully invested in that company/person and both of you are restricted from pursuing other opportunities. And when the flow of information is impeded, sometimes negative information builds up and all becomes public at once, causing a distress sale with widespread repercussions; i.e., a financial market meltdown, like the one that happened in late 2008-early 2009.

Anyway, that's the thought that's been running through my head lately. Like any other prospectus, I'm not giving advice here. Your situation and risk profile is unique. Please read carefully before you invest.

Checking in

It's been a week and a half since I've written, and I just wanted to write something, anything, so it doesn't go too long. I don't think too many people read this, so this is just me keeping the pencil sharp.

Last Friday I went into the city on my way out to Stony Brook for my friend Angel's birthday, and she wanted to go to a gentleman's club, so we went to the VIP Lounge. It's pretty much the same as any strip bar I've ever been to, although I haven't been to one in almost 20 years. I was surprised to learn that lap dances still only cost $20 a song - no cost of living adjustments for strippers, apparently.

Polina and I spent the whole weekend together, which was wonderful. We saw New Moon on Saturday night, and of course I loved it and she didn't. We actually got into a bit of an argument about it, so we had to stop talking about it. She's not nearly the hopeless romantic that I am, nor as big a fan of the Twilight books. Sunday we spent most of the day in her dorm room since she had to work on her research paper, but in the evening I took her and her friend Rosie out to Carrabba's again because I wanted to have the Limoncello bread pudding with the Blue Bell vanilla ice cream.

This week is my first as a full-time employee of Nearing, and it's been great so far. I came out to my immediate boss on Friday, like all the way - transgender, pansexual, polyamorous, pagan and dating Polina. She took it all in stride, so now I'm just going to find opportunities to mention these things to other people in the course of conversation, although I don't think I'll dump the whole load on anyone all at once like I did with her. It's nice being able to be out at work though - score one for New Jersey versus Texas.

That's all for now - more later, I hope.

A missed opportunity

I used to think dating was hard enough as a single girl. Tonight I found out how much harder it can be as a pansexual polyamorous girl.

I went to my local public library after work to pick up the second half of my beginner's Russian language course (Polina and her family speak Russian, so it's nice to be able to say and understand a few words with them). After I got that, I went to look over the movies and found Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which I've wanted to see for a long time since I'm a fan of Woody Allen, and it's a poly-themed movie (there's a consensual love triangle between the three lead actors).

I was holding the movie and the Russian course when an older gentleman in a long black wool coat struck up a conversation with me. He was probably in his 50s, well-groomed, and had a polished and confident manner - think Richard Gere, but taller. He asked if I had any movie recommendations, and he noticed the movie in my hands, saying it was a good one. Since I haven't seen it yet, I couldn't concur, but I said I've been waiting a long time to see it.

Now here is the point where, if I were truly brave, I would have said my interest in the movie stemmed partly from my being polyamorous. But, even as generally open about it as I am outside of work, it's not something I typically blurt out upon first meeting someone, especially in a public library (which, by and large, is not a bad place to meet new people for someone my age).
Then he noticed the language course and asked what my interest was in Russian. I said my girlfriend and her family speaks Russian so I was learning to so I could fit in better with them. I also made the comment that this particular course (the Pimsleur method) seems to be tailored for American men going to Russia to pick up Russian women (lots of phrases like, "Wouldn't you like to have a drink with me? at the restaurant? at the hotel?" "Do you want to buy something?") He looked at me and said, "Well, that's something you don't really need."

We talked for a bit about his interest in Russian history, and my family background (my grandfather being a Chinese ambassador to Russia during the Stalinist period). After a bit more small talk about movies, he wished me a nice evening and left. We did not exchange names or contact information.

Now. I'm not saying I was especially attracted to this guy. Frankly, I didn't even make much eye contact with him because I was looking over the movies. He probably interpreted that as me being disinterested. But when I think back upon the encounter, I could have handled it better. The guy was clearly interested in me, or else he wouldn't have started a conversation. But I didn't give him much of a chance or any real encouragement to get to know me. That's not the way I want to live my life, but old habits die hard.

It also couldn't have been too encouraging for him to hear straight off that I had a girlfriend. I'm certainly not ashamed of that fact, but the problem is that the minute you tell people that, nine times out of 10 they assume you are a lesbian and that you are monogamous. It's hard to dissuade that assumption in a casual encounter ("My girlfriend's family speaks Russian, and oh, by the way, I'm polyamorous and also open to dating men" - yeah, that works great.)

The real missed opportunity here is that I was given a perfect opening to say all these things because of the movie in my hand at the time. The conversation could have gone something like this:

Man: Do you have any recommendations?

Me: Well, I found this one, Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

Man: That was one of his better ones.

Me: Woody Allen? Yep, I'm a fan of his. It's also of particular interest to me because of the love triangle story since I'm polyamorous and pansexual.

Man: Really? What does that mean?

Me: Polyamorous means engaging in multiple long-term, consensual loving relationships with different partners at the same time. And pansexual just means I'm non-discriminatory in my choice of partners when it comes to gender. For example, I have a girlfriend, which is why I'm learning Russian as you see, but I could also become involved with another girl, or a guy at some point and she would be supportive - unless she couldn't stand them, that is.

Man: That sounds really interesting. Maybe we can more about it over dinner - can I get your phone number and ask you out sometime?

It's still a lot to say, but you can see that I missed an opportunity here that might have turned into something. But as they say, you learn more from your mistakes than from your successes.

While I'm certainly content to spend as much time as possible with Polina, I know she would like to see me happy with someone else as long as we could continue to cultivate our unique relationship. I've never been enthusiastic about dating, which is why I don't put a lot of effort into it. But I do feel strongly about being open to the possibility of love when it presents itself, and in that respect, I failed miserably tonight. When the goddess offers a gift, it should be accepted with an open heart.

Perhaps this experience tonight will help me do better next time.

The $120,000 apostrophe

On Tuesday I was at work at my desk and I got a call from the chief recruitment officer at Nearing (my company) to come see her at 2 p.m. When I get there, she's on the phone so I go over to chat with one of my friends in the HR pod, and she congratulates me for getting a full-time position. I tell her that I actually haven't gotten an offer yet and she realizes that she's just spilled the beans about the offer I'm about to get.

Loose lips sink ships, I always say.

Anyway, after two months of what was basically a tryout, I accepted an offer to become a full time Nearing employee. I feel like I've been "made" - like a Mafia boss. There are several advantages to this, not the least of which is feeling like I'm a bona fide member of the team and not an outsider, which means I can work on more confidential things. I'm also going to be doing less writing and more PR work, including media work, which is fine with me.

But mostly this is good because Nearing's benefits are better than being a contractor, and I'm eligible for a sizable annual bonus. I'm also eligible for a 3% match on a 401K contribution, an employee stock purchase plan, and most importantly, paid holidays, sick leave and vacation time off. So now I can take days off without impacting my paycheck, although my overall compensation is probably about the same, assuming I didn't take any days off as a contractor.

There's a story going around the communications department that part of the reason I was offered the position was that the communications senior vice president appreciated my attention to detail in editing documents. She is one of the most detail-oriented persons I've ever met, and unfortunately, many of the staff are not so much.

So I was editing a press release one day, and I notice that one of the apostrophes is a straight up-and-down apostrophe and not a "smart" apostrophe - one that is different for open and closed positions. I noted it, and the SVP even found another one in the same paragraph that I missed. But clearly she was impressed that I edit to the same level of detail as she does.

Later on other press releases the SVP would ask staffers if I had reviewed them yet, which people interpreted as me having "editing cred" with her. I also created a flyer for a technology expo that she reviewed with no changes. I didn't think much of that at the time, but later I found out that having something come back from her with no changes is like winning an Olympic gold medal at Nearing's communications department - most people have that happen maybe once or twice a year if they're lucky. She's quite a demanding boss, but she's actually a pretty nice person. She reminds me of my old boss in Houston at TxDOT in a lot of ways.

Anyway, the takeaway for this is that when you do your best, sometimes good things will happen, and with certain people, sometimes a thing so small as changing an apostrophe can land you a six-figure paycheck. You have to know when to sweat the small stuff.

Christmas trees

Every morning I wake up about 6:30 a.m. (or try to) and drive about 70 miles down the length of the state of New Jersey to go to work. This takes me about an hour and 15 minutes on a typical day, or two hours on a bad day. The first 45 minutes is all highways and tollways, and the last 30 minutes are the best because I take back roads through rural farmland around Princeton Junction, which is so beautiful this time of year.

I’ve been driving the same route more or less for about two months now, and along one stretch of two-lane road I pass a Christmas tree farm. When I first passed it, I didn’t take much notice because the trees were small and unrecognizable, but in the past month they have grown up to take the familiar triangular shape. I’ve never seen a Christmas tree farm, so it’s been quite delightful to watch them grow day by day, and I’ve enjoyed saying hello as I pass by.

As some of you know, I tend to employ personification on a lot of things in my daily life – my minivan (Yoshi), my stuffed friends (Oz and my other cubs and pups); even some of my pillows have names. Being alone a lot, I tend to live inside my head and it helps to have an excuse to talk aloud. But seeing this field of trees each day, sometimes I realize that very soon now, many of them will be cut down and taken away and I will be sad to see them go.

It’s a small thing really, but it also reminds me that just because I know something is not going to last forever doesn’t mean I shouldn’t let myself enjoy it or become attached to it, knowing I will miss it someday. I’d rather be hurt than live my life avoiding the possibility of being hurt. Living in the moment is not without risk, but life is a finite and non-renewable resource that must be fully consumed each and every day, or it is lost forever.

Polina's birthday, part 3

On Saturday night Polina and I hosted the first public event for Open Love NY, a combination kick-off meeting and birthday party for her 19th birthday. It’s something we’ve been planning for the past three weeks or so, and the past couple of weekends we’ve been working pretty hard on it. I’m happy to report that everything went off pretty much as planned, and a great time was had by all.

I picked Polina up from my local train station in Montclair Friday night and we stopped at the local diner for dinner. I was amused by two kids in the next booth behind her who couldn’t stop staring at her purple hair. We got home and worked on our donation jars for our three non-profit causes – Cunning Minx’s podcast Polyamory Weekly, Kenneth Haslam’s Polyamory Library at the University of Indiana, and the Jim Collins Foundation (which helps pay for life-altering surgeries for transgender people). We also finalized the event sign-in sheet, survey, donation descriptions and sent out a reminder on Facebook.

Saturday we got a very late start after a relationship check-in talk before getting out of bed in the early afternoon. We had some cereal while waiting for our friend Laura to arrive before we all went out to gather the birthday cake, food and last minute errands, like making copies of the survey and buying a wireless microphone (which we ultimately ended up not using). By the time we got home there was barely enough time to get something to eat, get changed, and load up Yoshi – and we still had to go back once because we forgot Polina’s MacBook that had our music playlist on it.

We were fortunate not to hit too much Saturday night traffic and got to the gallery at about a quarter after 7 p.m., which gave us only 15 minutes to set up. People were already arriving, and there were some gallery customers loitering around, which made things a little hectic and confusing, but we managed to get things set up quickly.



We set our table with red pepper hummus and spicy flatbread, a tray of four kinds of sliced cheese and multigrain crackers, stuffed grape leaves and giant green olives stuffed with garlic, guacamole and tortilla chips, and large black seedless grapes. For drinks we had soda and pomegranate blueberry juice. We set out our donation jars at the head of the table, along with short descriptions of each.



We cut the music and started our meeting at about 8:45 pm, but people kept trickling in throughout the night. I introduced myself and Buck and we talked a bit about Open Love NY’s reason for being and mission to plan more social events for the polyamorous community of New York. I thanked the gallery owner and our volunteers (which should have included a shout to Laura, who was so helpful the whole day) and we went around the room to introduce ourselves. I had a few more remarks about the survey and then we started the birthday celebration by clearing space at the table for Polina to sit.

While Barbara prepared the candles on the cake, I gave a short speech about Polina and how this event came about because I wanted to do something for her birthday while also helping get OLNY off the ground (something we both were eager to have happen). I talked about how we came from such different backgrounds, and yet managed to find each other through the polyamorous community, and how our community is organized around the idea that we should be free to love openly and honestly.



Barbara brought out the cake, which I had customized with the infinity heart symbol of polyamory (like the pendant I gave her for our anniversary) in purple to match her hair:



The party continued until about 11 p.m., with some people still arriving in the last hour to say hello and happy birthday. We had about 24 people show up altogether, which was very good considering the crappy weather in the city that night. There were lots of old friends, newbies, longtime polys and group hugs all around. It was lots of fun playing hostess, although I did run out of gas a bit near the end and had to take a break or two.



Polina, Laura and I packed everything into Yoshi around midnight and went home to put everything away, have some tea and we watched Chicago on my big screen before going to bed. All in all, it was a very successful event, and I'm proud of our effort in putting it on and seeing it through. Hopefully it will have the desired effect in getting OLNY jump-started - there was already talk about planning a holiday party as our event was winding down.

Polina's birthday, parts 1 and 2

This weekend was Polina’s birthday celebration, and the first time I’ve participated in it fully. As some friends might remark, it was done in true Polina fashion, encompassing my first two-night stayover at her house for all the activities. And despite fighting a progressively nasty cold for most of the weekend, the birthday girl managed to keep her spirits up and bring cheer to everyone around her.

Friday afternoon I left work early because I wanted to get my hair done by Edison while Polina and her friends were en route back from Stony Brook University. Edison and Shirley did their usual fine job of making my hair look its best, with a subtly multi-dimensional dark brown that looks natural yet sophisticated. They also asked about Polina, referring to her as “purple” since they didn’t remember her name, only the color they dyed her hair. Edison is planning to open his own hair studio in a few weeks, so I hope the next time I visit him it will be his name on the door.

I walked over to Whole Foods on Houston Street (where I’ll be on Wednesday for my women’s poly group) to buy some truffles to add to my birthday present, and then drove out to Staten Island. Polina’s mom opened the door for me just after getting off the phone and telling Polina I hadn’t arrived yet. I helped her mom in the kitchen making food by peeling vegetables and practicing my Russian with her until Polina arrived with her dad, middle sister Ella, and three friends from school – Perri, Sammy and Jake. We had Shabbat dinner together then the five of us got settled in the third floor bedroom on three air mattresses.

In the morning all eight of us packed into the family minivan, dropping Ella at Prospect Park in Brooklyn and us in midtown Manhattan near my old office where we had booked a seven-hour block of time at an isolated karaoke bar on 48th Street near 2nd Avenue. We started singing at 1:30 p.m. and the crowd swelled with each passing hour as friends continued to arrive, eventually reaching 15 people.



From the SBU band there was Jacob and Beth; Polina’s long-time friends Panda, Dakotah (from the Great Adventure Shindig), Anya, and Alina, plus Patrick and his girlfriend Alyssa; and our newer friends Ryan and K-Rob. It was a very diverse group, with a wide variety of musical tastes (and vocal ability) but it was a great time. The band people had fun singing and dancing to their marching pieces, like “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult, “Thriller” by Michael Jackson, “Disturbia” by Rhianna and “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane. I stuck to songs I knew by Linkin Park, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Oasis and Taylor Swift.





By the time we left, Polina was getting very hoarse and sounding like an 80-year-old woman who smokes two packs a day. The crowd thinned out the way it came together as we walked Sammy and Jake to Penn Station for the trip back to SBU before most of the rest of us went to a Korean restaurant for a late dinner. I had a kim chee stew and spicy hand roll sushi, which was very tasty.



By the end of the night, Jacob, Beth, Anya, Panda and Kotah comprised the second wave of overnight guests, accompanying us back to Staten Island. Beth and Jacob left early in the morning to catch a matinee show of Avenue Q, while the rest of us started the day slowly. Polina’s voice was totally gone in the morning, so she was reduced to using handwritten signs like a stroke victim:



Most of the day Polina’s family (eldest sister Sophia and husband Robert and grandparents trickled in) made food and desserts for her birthday party while Panda, Kotah, Anya, Polina and I hung out and did various things. I went out for a bit with Robert and Ella to throw a Frisbee around in Miller Park, and Kotah had to leave early. By about 4 p.m. we were ready to start the party and it was a very long table of food:



Polina still couldn’t speak very loudly, so I acted as her “translator” – she would write down what she wanted to say and I would address it to the appropriate person down the table or announce it to the group. For presents, Polina got a vintage bicycle to take with her back to school, some Origins bath products, a book called "The Crow-Girl" and my present of a “Cognito Ergo Nom” t-shirt, organic lip balm and her favorite shade of lip stick from my collection at home (since I feel somewhat responsible for the upkeep of her lips), and a box of chocolate truffles. Her grandfather also gave her money, as grandparents typically do. She had also received a bonsai tree from Beth and some other presents from friends the night before.



After dinner Polina and I went upstairs and recorded a quick 80-second audio promo talking about the upcoming Open Love NY event next Saturday, which will be used on an upcoming podcast of Polyamory Weekly. I did most of the talking since her voice was so ragged but at least she was audible. And by the way, her illness didn’t stop us from being affectionate this weekend, so we’ll see if my reputed constitution passes the test.

I was going through my emails from last year around this time for her birthday and we had just had our first date (more of a hanging out together kind of thing) at the MIX Festival a week or two prior so we were just getting to know each other. It took upwards of 18 emails back and forth to work out all the logistics and details of meeting up with Laura for my surprise visit to MOMA. Also, I didn’t know her well enough to pick out a present, so we went shoe shopping together with Laura and Patrick.

It is with no small amount of wonder that I look back only one year ago at how much my life has changed in respect to my relationship with her. Of course, I should be used to big changes in my life by now, but still, we've come a long way in just one year. To honor that first birthday, I thought it was a nice tradition to have her pick out something for herself for birthdays (the Questionable Content t-shirt) in addition to whatever I feel I can surprise her with, since she enjoys surprises.

Part 3 of the two-weekend birthday celebration starts on Saturday - stay tuned.

Happy Birthday Polina!

This Sunday was Polina’s birthday, and we spent pretty much the whole weekend together which is why I’m posting this a day late. Hopefully I’ll have a chance to write a recap of all our adventures soon (although not tonight since I’m going to Poly Cocktail Hour in the city).

As I usually do in my blogs, I try to say a few nice things about people on their birthdays. Last year she escaped this tradition because we had only just met. As a side note, I was just realizing that with my last three relationships, I met each of them right around this time of year - October/November. And of course this year, I’m very happy to be able to say a few words about my sweetie.

I know Polina doesn’t necessarily like reading about the qualities in her that I find so attractive, but it’s hard for me to be objective since I’m so fond of her. I suppose one way to say it is that I see a lot of Agnieszka Prime in her, which I know means very little to anyone reading this. Sometimes people just have a certain charisma, an energy to them that is responsive to your own. You see something in them that touches a part of you and a connection is made. From there, you continue to find small links to each other, and like strands upon strands of tiny spider webs, each little thing builds upon the others to form a strong bond.

For us, our initial connection was obviously formed through polyamory, and then through identifying as pansexual and transgender, and to a lesser extent through a shared spiritual philosophy. We’ve reinforced our bond with books (Laurell K. Hamilton, Tamora Pierce, Tom Robbins), TV shows (Firefly, True Blood), music (Linkin Park, Paramore) and late night talks over hot chocolate. Polyamory and being involved in the poly community in New York continues to be the main driver of our relationship and the requisite open communication is the glue that keeps it from falling apart in the face of our many differences.

Some of our differences work for us instead of against us. People tell me that Polina has an old soul, and it is true she is remarkably mature for her age. I’m the opposite, being very young at heart for my age, for reasons that should be quite obvious to those who know me. Our inverted biological and emotional ages tend to cancel each other out and make our age difference less of an issue for us than it would be for most couples. It also gives us some fluidity and freedom in how we act toward each other – we take turns being parental or filial toward each other, although we generally treat each other like most girlfriends do as equals.

So what qualities do I like about her? She makes me laugh; she has a refreshing sense of humor. As I’ve mentioned before, she can be bold in expressing affection toward me. She shares my core philosophies of being true to oneself, living in the moment and loving unconditionally. She is a frank and honest communicator, and she appreciates that quality in me. We make a really good team, with our respective strengths and weaknesses complementing each other – I forget what our Myers-Briggs scores are, but we do seem to mesh well together when we embark on a common goal. We have lots of fun together with whatever we’re doing, whether alone or with other people. And for me, seeing her smile is as beautiful and warming as the sunrise after a long autumn night.

Happy Birthday, my dearest Polina - you are the star by which my heart navigates me through life.

Upcoming poly events

It is shaping up to be a busy week for me, with Poly Cocktail Hour at China 1 on Monday, Nov. 9, our Women's Poly Group meeting on Wednesday, Nov. 11, then our Open Love NY party on the 14th. Polina and I spent most of Saturday afternoon and evening working on stuff for the OLNY party - it's going to be a lot of fun.

For those of you on Facebook, we have created a page on the Open Love NY site on the event, which you can find here.