Sunday, May 01, 2011


Friday night I went to my first solo FetLife event, the Mid-Manhattan Midnight Munch (MMMM), one that I went to before back in early February with Puck and Emily, their friend from school. The difference was that this time, I actually knew people who were there before coming, and that's a big difference in comfort-level for me to attend something on my own.

Jet and James were already there when I arrived. I first met Jet at the February munch, and I saw them both last Saturday at an ice cream social Puck and I attended, where I met James for the first time. He and Puck have been close for a few months now - since he lives out on Long Island, he is able to visit SBU. I also met one of his others, Charity, last weekend as well. They had just come from her gang-bang party last Friday night.

So I sat with James and Jet (who are currently involved) until my food arrived and I went searching for hot sauce, as I often have to do when I dine. Upon having the bottle placed in my hand by the waiter, I was grabbed from behind by Piper and we greeted each other - we hadn't seen each other since late February's Oscar nominee roundup, although we've been communicating on FetLife.

I also spent some time that evening getting to know Bellatrix (whom I met back in February, but she didn't really remember me) and Rose, who was also at last Tuesday's Open Love NY membership meeting (she's others with Ben on the leadership team for OLNY). Piper and I had a nice talk about what's going on with me and Puck, and it was good to get her perspective on it.

Since I didn't get to sleep until about 5 am, Saturday I woke up around noon and didn't really get much going on the things I wanted to do. Puck signed on and we finally had our big relationship check-in where I got to say a lot of the things that have been on my mind, and they clarified a little what's going on with them. It was long and difficult, and a couple times bordered on meltdowns, but we managed to end on a fairly neutral note. It was the hardest talk we've ever had and probably the hardest relationship talk since last year's breakup with Bonnie.

After that I went to the gym to burn off some of the stress, then got ready for Leon's birthday party at River NYC where the birthday boy was guest-bartending for the night. I sat with Poly Cocktails founder O Man and his date, Jen, and had Leon make me a Long Island iced tea, a blueberry cosmopolitan and a sidecar (Jen was kind enough to look up the recipe on her phone because Leon didn't know how to make it).

In about 90 minutes I was pretty drunk, probably more drunk that I've been since college. I talked to some people at the bar, but I really just wanted to be alone, so I stumbled my way home and went to sleep. Thankfully, I'm feeling okay this morning.

I don't like that I engage in self-destructive behavior when I'm feeling badly about relationships, but I just don't know what else to do. Puck needs me to be patient with them, so I'm going to try and just put this episode behind me and not think too much about a future that is becoming very cloudy all of a sudden.