In the last few days, I’ve been watching a lot of movies because I’ve been watching them on my laptop on the train, and there’s a lot of good stuff on TCM and AMC leading up to the Oscars this Sunday. I saw a bit of Amadeus the other night, and also watched Copying Beethoven on DVD – arguably two of the greatest movies ever made about classical composers and the nature of the divine spark in humanity.
These kinds of movies always remind me of my time with Tara, because she is the only true artist I’ve ever known personally, in the sense that she did it professionally and never aspired to be anything but an artist. She would be the first to say she’s lucky she has people around who love her and take care of her needs, because otherwise she would starve. As I’ve said before, her family lived very much like the bohemians of Rent, living paycheck to paycheck, sometimes not knowing if they could pay the bills each month. While I admired and tried to emulate them and their way of life, I could never quite bring myself to fully commit to that.
Speaking of rent, can you believe it’s been almost a year since I moved into the city? My lease is coming up due at the end of March, and of course, they are jacking it up $100 per month. I tried to call and negotiate, but they shut me down. Guess I’ll have to curtail those spa visits to make up for it. But it does make me think that maybe in a few years, if the rent keeps going up, and once Polina is out of school and traveling the world, maybe I will buy some kind of property nearer to wherever I’m working at that time. It’s kind of outrageous to be throwing away money on rent and then have that uncertainty of it going up every year. I should start saving up for my down payment.
I’m so glad it’s Friday! It’s been a tough week at work after my busy weekend at Wicked Faire, and we had Open Love NY this week too. I’m looking forward to sitting in the theater all day tomorrow with Piper and whomever she's bringing. Then Sunday night, the Oscars, which I haven’t seen in a few years, but I used to be a huge fan and I’ll have seen almost all the Best Picture nominees this year. It’s nice to get back to things I used to enjoy doing but kind of got lost in the shuffle of transition.
I watched Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps last night, and there's a scene when Jake and Winnie break up. It made me think about Bonnie, and how there's a point for most people where they know unequivocably that a relationship is over, when love is over. I knew it the day I had that awful phone call with my ex-wife while she was in California, but that's the only time I've felt it. My other two breakups have gone not with bangs, but with whispers.
I really should be more protective of my heart, but what is it good for if not to be consumed, to be used as a vessel of joy, passion and happiness? My heart is an organ of fire, not of stone. I refuse to let fear rule my life. I think I've forgotten that and I need to remind myself from time to time.
