Seventh birthday

Last Friday was my 7th birthday. For the first time, I didn't really do anything this year to celebrate it, but it's as much because I had so many other things to do as it is because Puck isn't here and any celebration for me would be incomplete without them. So I didn't bother to try.

Friday night I went out with my TNG kinky friends to our usual diner for a pre-party munch before going to the Xcess party. At the munch I met a total newbie named Leah and introduced her to the concept of polyamory. She's almost 23 and new to the scene and to the city, and works in the publishing industry. She also recommended some new mashup music for me to check out, so I thought we made a nice connection.

Bellatrix joined the group on the way to the party, but she didn't feel like playing at the party because it wasn't really a good space to do so with any privacy. It was also really loud and quite brightly lit. So I just spent the evening watching people do rope suspensions and body painting, and talking to friends Dave, Beth, Cassie and others before leaving around 1 am.

Saturday I rode my bike up to meet Lori, her sister Robin and a bunch of her friends in Central Park to celebrate her 35th birthday. We played frisbee and threw a softball around, but I couldn't get anyone interested in playing a game of cricket - not that there was any room for that anyway. Once again, the rainbow umbrella provided some welcome shade!




Saturday evening I went to Piper and Jet's house in Astoria for their roommate Elisa's 27th birthday party. It was just them, James and me, so it was a very small gathering, but I got to know Elisa much better because we had a chance to talk before everyone got home (I'm usually on time for things, unlike typical New Yorkers). We all talked and played a get-to-know-you dice game called "What the F**k?" that is usually a drinking game, but we didn't drink, until I left at 11:30 to get home. At least now I know exactly how to get there using mass transit because last time Puck and I got lost trying to get there and had to take a cab.

Sunday I went down to Brooklyn to see Diana and her extended family of friends at their backyard barbecue. I made my spicy peanut noodles and brought the $500 donation check from Folsom Street East to take a photo with Diana:



I met several people I knew from Diana's last birthday party - Jenny, Liz, Mark - plus my friends Kerry and Ardella showed up later as I was getting ready to go, but it was nice chatting briefly with them.

When I got home, I tackled a job I've been planning for a while - I took out all my single DVD movies with plain cases (those without no flyers or any kind of unique packaging), logged them in an Excel inventory, put them in a binder and threw out the cases (about 50-60 of them). I am amazed how much 50 empty DVD cases weighs! This frees up a lot of space for future additions to my library, which is slowly turning toward Blu-ray discs.

Speaking of organizing projects, I wanted to show everyone how Puck's bookshelf organizing project came out, which was completed over the Fourth of July ("2011 Pride Parade" - June 30, 2011) What an improvement!

Random rambling

Random blog post on my one night this week home, before the rest of the week gets too busy.

I just got finished reading the last few years of Bug's blog, which, like mine, has over 1,000 posts. We weren't kidding about being twins separated at birth (we share the same legal birthday). Read about the death of Tara's kitty - so very sad. Also found a lot of cool pictures and web links that I'll check out later.

I do miss my family sometimes, but not in a way that makes me think I belong with them. I miss Bonnie too (I was walking around her neighborhood in Elmhurst, Queens on Saturday with my friend Barbara) but not in respect to being in a relationship together. Not surprisingly, I don't miss my birth family in Houston, because those memories truly do feel alien to me. They belong to another person, the person I used to be. There's not enough of "me" in those memories to feel connected in any way to that old life anymore.

Monday was Poly Cocktails, and I was playing hostess with my brightly lit nametag, greeting new guests and keeping an eye on things. I had to reprimand one guy with a warning for non-consensual touching (he put his hands on my friend Adele's shoulders and she complained loudly). It's hard playing the cop at these shindigs, but someone has to. I told everyone that I would commit to one more year of being President, but I would not seek a third term in 2012.

Things would go a lot more smoothly if everyone would just default to handshakes all around, but somehow once you get to the hugging stage, people tend to take liberties. I get kissed on the cheek a lot more than I actually consent to. I'm going to have to do better in establishing my own space and rules about physical contact.

Puck called me Sunday night from Russia to let me know they got in okay. It was nice to hear their voice. They're having trouble sleeping, due to a combination of noisy seagulls, Russian white nights and jet lag, probably. I appreciate, as always, the effort they put into staying in touch while we are separated by great distances.

I've been thinking about the use of the gender-neutral pronoun, and how comfortable it is becoming for me to use it. And it occurs to me that every time you use a gendered pronoun (she/he, him/her) to refer to someone, you are making an assumption about their internal gender that might not match the gender you think they are because of your judgement about the way they look and sound. It's much more respectful to allow them to choose their preferred pronoun rather than assume. Because this is one assumption that can really hurt if you get it wrong.

I was watching all my Harry Potter movies in preparation for my double feature Thursday night - I'm so excited! It's part of a whole pile of events I have every night this week (besides tonight). Tomorrow is the Poly Women's Group, Thursday night is Part 1 and 2 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Friday night I'm going to a kink play party with Bellatrix, Saturday is Lori's birthday during the day and Elisa's (Jet and Piper's roommate) birthday in the evening, and Sunday, Diana is throwing a backyard barbecue party.

I guess I'm trying to keep myself busy so I'm not moping around while Puck is away, but maybe I'm overdoing it. After all, I am going to Ireland and London for 10 days starting July 24th with Agnieszka. But they are all good things, and I'm happy to be spending time with different people, renewing old connections and making new ones.

Life is made to be lived, after all.

Rewriting the rules

Recently I was writing a communication for Open Love NY where we were trying to write a rule about safe space. Safe space, as it applies to minority communities and support groups such as ours, means creating an environment where everybody feels welcome and accepted, and not like they are a minority infringing on a group where they don’t belong.

For example, if someone refers to “families consisting of a husband, wife and children” that would be violating safe space for most non-heterosexual and poly people. Making a statement like, “we’re all poly here” (as was done by one presenter recently at Open Love NY) does the same for monogamous people (I corrected that speaker immediately).

In the process of making up the rule, I defined safe space as follows:

"Safe space" means using inclusive language that acknowledges the diversity of this group, including diversity of sexual orientations and gender identities. Statements and language that marginalize or assume homogeneity in our audience (such as language that assumes people in this group are heterosexual or cisgender), or that are offensive toward any particular group of individuals will not be tolerated.

There was disagreement on the use of the word “cisgender.” It’s not a word that is commonly used, and some people thought it would confuse readers or cause them to tune out. It basically refers to someone who has always considered their internal gender role to be in alignment with the gender role they were assigned at birth.

At first, the obvious solution was to post a definition as a link to the word (as I’ve done in this blog). But my problem was that, to me, this itself was a violation of safe space for transgender people, as I explained in an email:

I am against providing a definition for cisgender because it perpetuates the idea that transgender is such a small minority that "of course nobody knows what that means so we must provide a definition, yet one is not needed for obvious states of being like gay or heterosexual". It's another form of privilege that GLBs don't have to worry about the world understanding what they are and trans people must constantly "help" people understand.

If people don't understand, I want them to take the initiative and look it up themselves on whatever their online source of choice may be (Google, Wiki, whatever). But I don't want to ASSUME they don't know what cisgender means. I know this is against good rules of communication, but I'm tired of coddling people when it comes to being transgender, and I know there are others out there who feel the same.

There is no excuse these days for not looking up something if you don't understand it - assuming you want to follow the rules of a group you are a member of.

A major part of our group's mission is to educate (not just about poly) and we should not avoid an opportunity to introduce an important new concept to our audience that (gasp!) not being transgender is simply being cis-identified. Not being trans does not mean you are NORMAL.

No one in this group more strongly committed to clear communications than I am. But as I continue to spend time in queer communities and get to know the next generation of trans and queer people, we must let them (and everyone else) know that we speak their language fluently.

Gender identity is not "trendy" - and if we treat it as such, we get lumped in with the larger gay movement that seeks to leave the "T" off of GLBT, advancing the rights and privileges of straight-acting and looking gays, lesbians and bi's while throwing trans people under the bus with promises to "come back for them later." If this message is going to say we're inclusive regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, there should not be any more problem using "cisgender" than using "heterosexual" to describe the majority identity.

As a lifelong professional communicator but only a recent queer activist, I finally have come to realize that the "correct" way to communicate something isn't necessarily the "right" way to do it.

The return argument was that many in our audience may be only at the beginning of their explorations outside the mainstream and we needed to make them feel safe and accepted as well. While my first reaction is to err on the side of the minority in terms of feeling safe, Open Love NY was founded on the precept that ALL people should be welcome, not just LGBTQ and certainly not just hetero-normative people. There continued to be a concern that there are people who are not academically inclined, or are too lazy or uneducated to look the word up for themselves, so we should look it up for them.

I admit I was pretty outraged that people thought we needed to cater to those who couldn’t do something as simple as looking up a word or reading and understanding our rules in order to join the community that we’ve built:

I'm actually hesitant to say I want our group to be inclusive to people who are not willing to look up a word on the internet in order to achieve safe space. If someone is not willing to educate themselves in order to abide by our rules, then maybe we don't want them as a member. If they aren't going to educate themselves on treating trans people with respect, then can we really expect them to educate themselves about polyamory?

While I agree the word is obscure, it's a necessary way to describe hetero-normative privilege. If everyone avoids using new words needed to describe inequity, injustice will never become visible and it will never be overcome.

Speaking for myself, I am not willing to compromise safe space in order to appeal to the largest possible audience. As leaders of the community, we should be setting the example for others to follow, not just appealing to the lowest common denominator of the mainstream.

But sometimes as a leader, I need to step back and find an alternate solution instead of being continually frustrated that people aren’t as smart as I’d like them to be. So I ended up rewriting the rule to not include the word at all:

Open Love NY practices safe space for all sexual orientations, gender and kink identities, as well as those who identify as monogamous. "Safe space" means using inclusive language that acknowledges the diversity of this group, including diversity of sexual orientations and gender identities. Statements and language that marginalize or assume homogeneity in our audience (such as language that assumes there are no lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer people in this group), or that are offensive toward any particular group of individuals will not be tolerated.

One argument that struck me is that someone said that being college educated is a privileged class as well. While that’s true, it’s different from cisgender or heterosexual privilege in one respect – you have to earn a college education. The others are unearned privileges. You sacrifice nothing to be heterosexual or cisgender - you just are. That’s a distinction that I wish I’d made at the time we were discussing it, but it could get really meta if we started talking about poor people having no choice about being born into a family that can’t afford schooling and higher education, etc. etc.

This whole episode is a microcosm of why I’m so apolitical. It’s a never-ending discussion, there is no right or wrong, and it’s completely enervating to me. Some people thrive on it - I don’t. I know it’s impossible for anyone to understand another person’s viewpoint without engaging in the process, but this takes my focus away from things that are really more important and more immediate to me, both as a person and as president of this group. I have to pick and choose my battles and hope to have made a difference when the dust settles.

Sherlock, Potter and pen pals

I had a relaxing Fourth of July weekend with Puck and their family in Staten Island. For the second year in a row, we missed the big fireworks show, but at least we got to view the movie 1776, based on the Broadway musical play, which Puck considers to be the second-best musical they’ve ever seen (Les Miz being the first – they have a thing for revolutions).

The family entertained various guests throughout the weekend, and I helped Puck clean up their room, in between watching episodes of Dr. Who, a Russian-language version of the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and the BBC’s modern take titled Sherlock. We’ve both been a bit consumed by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s celebrated detective – I loaned them my volume of Doyle’s original stories (an extra volume I had on hand in addition to my three-volume annotated version) and I’m reading a modern take called Dust and Shadow, which has been thoroughly engrossing and promises to be a worthy competitor to Edward Hanna’s The Whitechapel Horrors that I read many years ago. I’m also watching the Johnny Depp movie From Hell on my laptop, loosely based on Alan Moore’s graphic novel of the same name. That’s next on my reading list after I finish Dust.

As Puck’s family does every year, we had toasts celebrating the birth of this great nation, and I was gladdened by their mom’s toast that alluded to my relationship with Puck. She talked about how they immigrated here to have the freedom to live how they wanted to live, and to also give their children that same freedom, and looking at her children now (Puck was the only one in attendance) she could see that they are doing just that.

Prior to this weekend, I will also say that last week was also notable from a socializing standpoint. Open Love NY was on Tuesday, and a rare opportunity for Puck to attend. I was not in the best of moods that night, so I can’t say I really enjoyed it as much as I would have normally when they are there with me. Wednesday was the Poly Women’s Group, held back at the Whole Foods Market on Houston. We had a nice group of five including me, Sylwia, Katie and two new women, and we had a good share of our stories.

In a rare third night in a row being out for me, I met up with a new friend named Kacey on Thursday night to walk the High Line Park and explore some art galleries in Chelsea. I first met Kacey at Storm’s party (“Easter egg party” – April 24, 2011) and this is the first time we’ve spent time together since then. Another of her friends was going to come, but had to back out because of a housing emergency, so we were on our own. We saw the beautiful sunset from the High Line and walked from 14th Street to the 20s before coming down and looking for galleries, but they were all closed. We went back up to the park and walked to the termination at 33rd Street and talked on a bench there until they kicked us out at 11 p.m.

I invited Kacey to come see the Harry Potter double-feature finale with me on July 14 (the day before my 7th birthday) and hopefully she will come. This birthday has some significance to me because it will be my first without a sweetie of mine present (since Puck will be in St. Petersburg, Russia). That I chose to celebrate it in this manner is my version of a do-over from my 5th birthday, as this account from one of my private communications explains:

I’m particularly sensitive about my birthday being ruined by drama, because that’s all I remember about last year, my 5th birthday and the last one with my family. Tara and I got into a huge fight while waiting in line for opening night of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It’s probably the only time we fought in front of Bee and Bug, because they had to stay in line and couldn’t leave – plus we were in public so that was embarrassing beyond measure. It was extremely traumatic for me, and I don’t ever want that to happen again.

So hopefully, this 7th birthday will go off peacefully and smoothly, and give me one last positive memory of seeing a Harry Potter premiere.

Friday night I was ready to spend a quiet evening at home, but was pleasantly surprised to hear from my best friend Lori, who is newly single. We went out for dinner and ice cream, and came back to my place to have a long catch-up talk. I am gratified that nearly four years after we first met through a personal ad, we still have the ability to be close friends.

I’ve been thinking about so many people from my past today, especially ex-pen pals that I’ve lost touch with. Some former pen pals like Lori and Agnieszka (with whom I’m planning a trip to Ireland this month) made the jump to becoming real-life best friends. But many other people I thought I had a strong connection with online (a Miss Catherine Newton, another woman named Cara, Danielle, who I see occasionally at Poly Cocktails) either lost touch with me or we didn’t connect in real life.

My friend Linda in Texas is my closest confidant online, and I write occasionally to someone named Destiny in New Jersey, but we’ve never met. Linda occupies the singular position of being the only person to whom I maintain a regular, current connection and has met me in both my previous and present incarnations. It’s likely she may be the only person to ever achieve this distinction in the foreseeable future. I just wanted to articulate the very obscure, yet simple reason why our relationship is so special to me.

Why I'm anti-marriage

So in the wake of the passage of gay marriage in New York, I’ve been thinking a lot about the institution of marriage. And I’m sure I’m not the only person in the country who thinks that the notion of marriage itself has become out-of-date.

We had a very cerebral discussion at Tuesday’s Open Love NY meeting about how polyamory should be regarded as just another avenue of self-determination, like the way we generally have the legal freedom to pursue whatever career we want, to wear what clothes we want, to modify our bodies how we want (although that is a right that must constantly be upheld; e.g. abortion). The argument is that if people support these basic rights to live the way we want to live, then why draw lines at who or how many people we love? It’s basically the “this is a free country last time I checked” argument.

And now we have a national debate, or war even, on equal rights when it comes to access to the institution of marriage. On one side are all the people who are excluded (GLBTs, polys, close family members) and allies for equal rights, and on the other side are the conservatives, traditionalists and the religious right. And I would say that most of the arguments for the latter group stem from a religious viewpoint, because the argument of “that’s the way it’s always been” is a pretty weak position when it comes to civil rights.

But what gets me is that this has become a religious issue in the first place. Separation of church and state has always been one of this country’s central tenets, so the church should really have no say in the secular rights of marriage, which are conferred on couples by the state, not by any church.

For example, a gay or lesbian couple could be married anywhere in a pagan or Unitarian ceremony, but it doesn’t mean dick when it comes to getting a marriage license or being recognized as a legal couple in the eyes of the law. So logically, the support of the Catholics shouldn’t mean anything either, outside the fact that there are more Catholics than pagans (as evidenced by the capital “C”).

Since we all agree that secular marriage rights have nothing to do with religion, as evidenced by the fact that Jews, pagans, Christians, Muslims, etc. all get the same legal rights when they get married, I think it’s time that we ask the question – why does the state need to acknowledge marriage at all? Why create that inequity in the first place, between people with the “right” to marry and those without? Why not let individuals self-determine how to build the family they want to live with, even if it falls outside the singular, opposite-sex partner model? Why can’t our government just treat everybody over the age of 21 as an adult, period?

The answer of course is that those with the “right to marry” want to preserve those rights for themselves, to create an artificial privilege that has nothing to do with anything other than the fact they are heterosexual. GLBT partners do everything that straight partners do – buy houses, pay taxes, take vacations, and care for each other when they fall ill. There are many more impassioned arguments out there about how gay marriage is an issue of fairness, and I agree with all of them.

What interesting to me is that in this debate, the idea of “civil unions” has been demonized by the pro-marriage equality forces, and I believe that is shortsighted. I think there is merit in looking at civil unions as a legal replacement for marriage.

Wouldn’t it be nice to create your own version of a domestic union, rather than just taking the one-size-fits-all legal definition of marriage that we have now? Basically, we already have a version of this model with the use of prenuptial agreements, so it’s not a big stretch to just apply this across the board and say that “marriage” is a religious ceremony that is an option if you so choose (atheists will probably choose to pass on this), and getting a license means you are in a civil union together (which of course is open to any two adults who freely choose to do so), conferring all rights and obligations spelled out in that document that you both agree to live by. You make up your own rules, file the document at the courthouse, and you’re done.

The freedom to love whom we want to love is a relatively modern idea, but it has grown to become one of our most prized cultural beliefs (for Americans), and the government has no business telling us who, how or why two (or more) adults express their love for each other. Civil unions should be exactly what the name says – the government’s one and only avenue for all people who have chosen to make a commitment to each other freely and publicly to prove that commitment to the world.

2011 Pride parade

After a few days of feeling rather melancholy, I’m actually in a good mood today, so it’s a fine time to catch up on blogging, before the holiday weekend comes upon us. And it was an adventuresome weekend with the historic New York Gay Pride Parade celebrating the passage of New York’s gay marriage law, with lots of pictures to share.

Last week was a rather unusual one at the office. On Tuesday I got to stay home to work because there was a charity lunch in Manhattan. It was at the Jumeriah Essex House on Central Park South, one of the city’s most opulent and famous hotels. I actually did some PR work for them at Agent K, but I’ve never been there. Working at home was a lucky break, because the trains were all messed up that day. Hoda Kotb from NBC was the featured speaker, and it was a beautiful room.



In the evening it was early enough for me to try for a Broadway play, so I gathered some intelligence for future lotteries at some shows before settling in at the cancellation line at Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark. I didn’t get a ticket, but it was okay – they were charging $140 for them. I don’t need to pay that much to watch people dangling from wires.

On Thursday the communications department had an outing at an orchard in New Jersey on the first day of cherry picking. Jennifer and I rode in on an early train to be on time, only to be thwarted by an hour-long delay en route. Luckily, Lori was able to pick us up and take us there, and it was a brief but fun time. It’s actually the first time I’ve ever been berry picking, although I spent a lot more time taking pictures than picking. It was humid, but still cool because of the early hour.



Friday night I stopped by Puck’s house in Staten Island to have tea and watch an episode of Dr. Who before convincing them to come to the MMMM with me. We chatted with our friends Kiwi, Jenn, Roz and others, but didn’t stay long. In fact, just as we were leaving, Piper and Jet were coming in, so we only got to say hi briefly before heading back to Staten Island.

Saturday we embarked on a huge project to organize their entire household library, except for their Russian-language books. These were spread among seven bookshelves in three rooms, so this involved moving stacks of books up and down the staircase. We spent nearly the entire day on the job, taking some breaks to play videogames and swim at the beach (they swam, I walked on the sand since I didn’t have a suit). At the end of the day, we’d shelved up to the M’s in fiction, and completed the non-fiction sections. We drove back to my place in the evening so we could start early on Sunday for the parade.



Sunday morning we had breakfast at the Evergreen diner across the street, our first visit. It never seems to be open whenever we want to go. We went down to 14th Street to meet up with the FetLife Unicorn group and we made our way up to 20th Street to meet with Angel and her friends. Along the way we picked up more friends and more unicorns joined us later as the parade started. Plus, Piper marched with her NYU crowd and ran over to say hi, as did Murray, Linda and Sandy, who were marching with their bisexual group.


Puck, Aaron and Piper


Puck drawing on Anastasiya's belly

After the parade was over, we were both exhausted so we didn’t go to any of the afterparties. Instead we went to my gym to take a dip in the pool, then picked up some burritos for dinner and ate them at home. We watched an episode of Buffy before Puck had to catch a bus home to see family visitors.

Folsom Street East

It's been a very eventful weekend, and it's nice to have a breather Sunday night to relax before the work week starts again.

Friday night I stayed home, but had a somewhat difficult text conversation with Puck. It was only difficult because of the questions it raised, not because of any ill feelings or negative emotions (other than fear, perhaps). That's one thing that's different with our relationship vs. my past relationships is that even when we disagree on things, we are always coming at things from a standpoint of loving and caring deeply about each other. It's how we continue to seek out ways to keep our relationship healthy and sustainable.

So the night was difficult for both of us, probably compounded by the fact we had this conversation by text and not in person, so we couldn't touch each other, which has always been an important part of our communication. Maybe we'll try not to have virtual check-ins in the future if we can help it (which may be difficult when they're back in school, although I'd like to visit more this coming semester).

Saturday I went to Loehmann's in the early afternoon to buy some housewarming presents for Piper, Jet and Elisa, whom we would be visiting that night. I got a wooden box full of tea bags, a box of scented drawer liners, and a scented soy candle. I also found a sparkly sequined dress for the party, although the sequins kept falling off of it. I wanted to attend the Pride rally in Central Park, but I didn't have time after all the shopping. I also packed some fresh cherries, lychees and chocolate truffles for the potluck. Puck came by in the evening and we trekked out to Astoria together for the party.

When we got there, Piper was still getting dressed because Jet had done a lovely cross ribbon pattern on her back using medical staples through her skin. Beth and Ryan came later, and I got to spend lots of time with Beth one-on-one because we both don't like crowds so much. Many of our kinky friends showed up as the night progressed - Kiwi, Aaron, Eric, Ilan - and I got to know some others that I've seen at munches or on FetLife. It was a pretty ordinary party until about 10 pm, when an announcement was made that those who wished to shed some clothes could now do so, and I took the opportunity to take that sparkly, but uncomfortable dress off and continue the evening in my bra and panties, which is the first time I've been so undressed in public.

The rest of the group played a game of "Never Have I Ever" but I didn't feel like playing, even though with this crowd, I probably would have had a decent chance of winning. Afterwards, Piper got taken to her bedroom, blindfolded and with hearing blocks, tied to her bed, and worked over by four sadists with a variety of tools, devices and substances (use your imagination here). Puck and I left shortly after midnight and got a cab back home.

Sunday morning Puck and I had breakfast and another good relationship check-in, one that resulted in another small change in our agreements, and our discussing a potentially very large change that may happen in the future. We continue to make small adjustments as we go along, give and receive feedback, evaluate and make new suggestions.

After our check-in, we headed out to the Folsom Street East festival to set up the table for Open Love NY before they had to head back to Staten Island. Several volunteers and leaders came and went throughout the day to help me pass out flyers, sign up people on our mailing list and give away membership bracelets.



Kat and Murray (he got a lot of attention with that costume, predictably)



Brian talking to a potential member



Courtny doing shibari on Ed, Diana's life partner



Ed and I went up to the stage to accept on Diana's behalf the 2011 Sexual Freedom Award, and the $500 donation to Open Love NY that comes with it. Here's my acceptance speech following Ed's (apologies for the shaky camerawork from Brian's partner Jazz)



The afternoon was concluded by the famous porn star ass pie eating contest, where Ed and others competed in a contest to eat pie off the backsides of porn stars. Ed, unfortunately, didn't win, but made a valiant effort. And at the end of the day, I caught a t-shirt stuffed with lubricant and male and female condoms, enough to probably last me the rest of my natural life :)

Shin and bare it

I met a cute trans woman named Riley last weekend at the TNG munch/party, the first pre-op t-girl I’ve met in a long, long time. Meeting her made me think a lot about my own transition, and the progress I’m still making in my new identity.

Like most women, I have a lot of body image issues, but I’m always making progress to address them. For example, I don’t like my legs very much because my skin there has lots of marks from when I was a child that have never gone away. I don’t know why that happens, but fortunately the rest of my skin is pretty clear.

So in summers past I’ve never gone bare legged to work, no matter how hot it was. I would always wear long skirts, slacks or hose. This was dreadfully uncomfortable when I worked in the city and had to navigate the subways in the muggy heat of the afternoon. One thing I don’t miss about working in the city is riding crowded subway trains at the height of summer and being pressed on all sides by sweaty bodies.

But this year is different. Maybe it’s because I have such a supportive boss who accepts all my strangeness in stride. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten so used to wearing skirts because that’s what I wore all winter, along with tights. Maybe I just don’t care as much about sacrificing comfort for appearance. But this summer I’m taking advantage of the female prerogative to wear shorter skirts and bare legs to keep cool on the hottest days.

I’ve been thinking about taking a trip somewhere while Puck is in Russia this summer, just to distract myself and because I haven’t had a real vacation in many years. I think it would be good for me to go somewhere I can reconnect with nature, maybe visit Vancouver Island to go whale watching from a kayak. Another idea would be to take a walking tour through Ireland. I guess I should go see a travel agency and find out what’s available.

In other news, people really like my hair color – I get lots of compliments on it. I guess I should take some pictures of it, but I haven’t been taking a lot of pictures lately for some reason. I actually forgot my camera last weekend for Jon’s party, but we were in a bit of a rush coming from Staten Island to get to Penn Station.

Maybe this weekend I’ll take some of me at the Folsom Street East street festival, where I’ll be at the Open Love NY booth and making a speech to accept a donation from them honoring my friend Diana Adams, who will be recognized with the 2011 Sexual Freedom Award.

Jekyll & Hyde week

Last week was a very dichotic week between work and home – at the office was super-busy (but not in a bad way) and home was wonderful because Puck was over every night except last Monday.

The reason why wasn’t very pleasant – their grandma was in the hospital all week on the Upper West Side, so they were keeping her company during the day while their parents were at work, then came over and stayed with me rather than trek all the way to Staten Island and back each night. I lent them some clothes to get through the week, and we played video games and watched movies at night (we saw X-Men: First Class on Thursday). So it was wonderful to come home to them each evening and snuggles every night.

Work was incredibly busy last week because of an environmental issue out in California that Lori and I have been working on together. We’ve been having two, sometimes three calls every day, between editing and reviewing documents, photos and videos. It’s going to continue to be a big part of my work for a while, but hopefully the worst of it is over now.

The other bad news is that Yoshi developed an electrical problem that got to the point where he wouldn’t run, so I couldn’t bring him to the hospital, as I’d planned to do on Friday. His engine would start just fine, but as soon as I let go of the ignition, the engine dies. Last time I drove him on Wednesday for my allergy shot, there was smoke coming out of the steering column and smelled like burning rubber, so that’s not good.

Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon dealing with tow trucks, trying to get him out of our 7-foot clearance garage (where tow trucks couldn’t go) and get him to the local Honda dealer in Princeton – it turned out to be an ignition switch that is covered under warranty, and $100 in labor. The tow truck was covered under my cell phone plan, so that was nice. All in all, it could have been a lot worse. It’s a scary thought, not having a car.

So back to the good stuff. Friday night I met up with Puck at a TNG munch that preceded a play party at Paddles, a local BDSM club/dungeon in midtown. I met some nice people at the munch, and we all walked over from the Chelsea Diner to Paddles together. Puck stayed for about an hour and then left to attend the MMMM. A few minutes later, Bellatrix arrived and we played for a little while, then watched some of the other scenes together before she left to go home and I walked over to meet up with Puck at the MMMM.

On the way, a man stopped me on the street and introduced himself – he had tried getting into Paddles that night, but didn’t realize it was closed for a private TNG party that night. We chatted while we walked together over to the MMMM – he’s Italian and new to the kink scene too. He didn’t stay at the party long, and in fact, neither did I. Puck was really sleepy, so I just said hi to the people I knew there – Jet, Aaron, Kiwi and Ilan – and then we went home.

The next morning Puck and I took the subway, ferry and bus to Staten Island and hung out with their brother-in-law Alex (Sasha) until everyone came home. I helped clean up their room and we had dinner together with some of their family friends from Baltimore. I watched Walk the Line on my projector while Puck played their daily dose of computer games before making our way upstairs for bed.

Sunday was our friend Jon’s birthday party, and we went to Medieval Times in New Jersey - somewhere my family and I used to always talk about going, but never quite made it to. We met several nice people at the party, and there were a lot of huzzahs and laughs all afternoon.

From there we went to P3 (the Palisades mall that I used to visit at least once or twice a month with my family) to play games at the Dave & Busters. A fun couple named Laura and Adam gave Puck and me a ride back into Manhattan, since they live in NoHa (North Harlem). In keeping with the medieval theme of the day, I showed Puck the movie 1981 movie Excalibur, John Boorman's vision of the Arthurian legends, before going to bed.

Funnily enough, we saw Laura almost exactly 24 hours later at Poly Cocktails, along with lots of old friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in many months – Rev. Jenellen, Professor Joe, Sara & Seth, Calico (from Ryan’s birthday party), Hookah Mike, Phrannie (who is moving to Wisconsin in a couple weeks), and others.

As usual, I talked OLNY shop with the leadership team while Puck socialized, although we checked in together throughout the evening. I left around 11 to get ready for bed since I had to go to work in the morning, and they left at midnight to come to bed after we filled in each other about the evening.

So it’s been a very fun seven-day week with Puck, and with Bella and other friends. I am enjoying my life right now, but I know I will miss Puck very much when they leave for a month in Russia next month. It's a situation that I will get used to someday, but not quite yet. Until then, I am living in the moment and cultivating new experiences and connections that may come to define me in the near future.

Good deeds

It's been a quiet day at home, so after recharging my batteries after a stressful week, let's get caught up on my life.

I left off last Sunday when I went back to Jonathan's apartment at the Belnord for a potluck benefit concert to help the Super Coda soundproof Cafe Orwell, a performance cafe in Bushwick, Brooklyn. I made my peanut noodles, which were very popular. The potluck requested "non-corpse" and "non-flesh" dishes, so realizing the sensitivity of this crowd, I made a sign with all the ingredients spelled out, which was greatly appreciated.

Jonathan started out the evening's performances with some solo piano and vocal works, some of which were funny and some were quite profound. Storm came in during his set and I waved at her and chatted a bit after he was done while Dream Zoo was setting up. She had been visiting family down in Pennsylvania but came back in haste to attend the concert and to check on her new kitty at home.

Dream Zoo has changed their lineup since I saw them last at the Delancey with Bonnie and Hiba, back when Storm was playing with them. Valerie is still plays cello and belts out with that huge voice of hers, but Sunday she was supported by a young man on violin, a string bass player and an electric guitar. Valerie is such a spirited performer - she lost her glasses while playing and completely undid her hair from all her wild head movements.

There were a couple other acts scheduled to play after Dream Zoo, but at that point it was getting pretty late, so I went home.

Wednesday was a community service day for my company, and my job was getting media lined up for it. As it turned out, I got my picture in the local newspaper, helping to organize and stock a food bank.



I've been on a bit of a Blu Ray buying binge lately 'cause Best Buy has a trade-in deal where you can get $5 off certain movies on Blu Ray with any DVD you bring in. Plus Target has some nice exclusive packaging deals on Harry Potter movies, and I'm getting revved up for the grand finale on July 15.

This week I announced I am stepping down as the organizer of the Polyamorous Women's Group, a post I've been handling for more than a year now. I think I'm just burned out on it, and the number of women who come regularly is very small. As I posted a while back, I'm trying to turn my focus away from poly right now, and this is one way I can reduce my responsibilities. Fortunately, Sylwia was able to step up and take it over, so I'll just back her up. She came over to visit me today, her first time in the apartment, so we could discuss it, and it turned out to be a nice visit.

Socializing

Puck just left the apartment, so I have a few hours to kill before my evening plans start - a good time to catch up on blogging.

Friday the office closed early so I came back and got my haircut with Cristine at Sassoon Salon. It now falls just around my collarbone, so about three inches shorter. All the better since the weather has really turned the corner and started getting truly sauna-like.

In the evening I met Bellatrix for dinner at Kum Gang San, my favorite Korean restaurant. As you might recall, we got to know each other at the last Mid-Manhattan Midnight Munch ("MMMM" - May 1, 2011). After dinner, Bella and I went over to the MMMM a few blocks away and chatted with the group. I sat down next to Dave, Puck's former sub (and whom I would see again 12 hours later) and was pleasantly surprised to see Jenn from Leon's birthday party (see "MMMM" above) who sat next to me. I had chocolate mousse (in the shape of a chocolate mouse) and we talked about graphic novels, movies and nail polish. She's a fan of Frank Miller and Alan Moore just like me, and also loves the Scott Pilgrim series. I had a really good time with her and with everyone sitting around me, but still left about 1 am (which is early) so I could get some sleep for tomorrow.

Puck came by at 1 pm to pick me up for Dave's tea party at Radiance Tea House and Books a few blocks north of my apartment, and had a four-hour tea party with Dave, Ilan and Anastasiya (I had just met Ilan at the munch 12 hours earlier, and met Anastasiya at a TNG munch months ago with Puck, who went to high school with her). We had several different kinds of iced and hot teas, plus dumplings, rice and noodle dishes, and mochi and mochi ice cream for dessert. It was a wonderfully balanced and fun group for conversation, which ranged all over from sci-fi to comics, linguistics to physics, LGBT and kink. I think we were all surprised that we stayed so long, but we were all having such a good time that no one wanted to leave.

In the early evening, Puck and I entered the ticket lottery for Priscilla Queen of the Desert, the show that took the place of our beloved West Side Story in the theater next to my apartment, but we somehow missed the drawing by coming back a few minutes too late. Undeterred, we walked over to Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo and entered that lottery. They drew all the double seats and had only a single seat left by the time they drew my name, so we turned it down. So my record on lottery drawings is now six-for-10, not including the last one, since technically I won something, but it wasn't enough for both of us. I'll count that as a forfeit.

So instead of a show, Puck and I got our nails done at a salon in Times Square, and then went home to watch the last two X-Men movies to get ready for X-Men: First Class, which opens next weekend. And it's always a rare treat to sleep together when we don't have to get up crazy-early the next morning.

Today we had breakfast of omlettes and turkey bacon, and they read The Ultimates while I made peanut noodles for my event later tonight. Then we watched a couple episodes of Buffy before they had to leave for a family birthday party in Brooklyn. We're now past the halfway point in Season 3, so if we keep at this pace, we should finish all seven seasons around the time they graduate from college :)

Chicago

I actually had a very fun day off on Monday, in what I characterize as a “date with myself.” I started out early enough in the morning to tumble out of bed and head down to the Ambassador Theater a few blocks away and buy a rush-priced ticket ($36.50) to Chicago, now the 5th longest running show on Broadway and now starring supermodel Christie Brinkley in the role of Roxie Hart.

I went from there directly to the Empire AMC movie theater to see Thor for the bargain matinee price of $6, which is less than half the price of a movie in Manhattan (the 3D showing at the Ziegfeld cost $16.50, for example). I was glad that I could see Thor in 2D, actually. The movie was alright, probably in the upper part of the second-tier of superhero movies (the top-tier being movies like The Dark Knight, Batman Begins and the first Iron Man).

After the movie I went home and quickly made my curry chicken with livers and hearts and had a quick lunch before heading down to Union Square to see my endocrinologist for my bi-annual checkup. That didn’t take very long and I got a clean bill of health, so I was out of there quickly. I walked down 14th Street to the Loehmann’s to get some color safe shampoo and conditioner, and then back to Union Square to Nordstrom Rack and Sephora to get some other cosmetic items before going home to take a nap before the show.

My seat in the theater wasn’t in the front row like I’m used to, but certainly worth what I paid for it. The show was sexy and clever, although all the big musical numbers seemed to be stacked in the first half before intermission, so the second half dragged a bit. I’m a big fan of the movie by Rob Marshall, which is probably one of the most energetic movies ever made.

By comparison, the acting wasn’t quite as good (especially Ms. Brinkley, who starts out very wooden, but loosens up over the course of the play until her natural charm starts to peek out). But of course, there is no substitute for seeing live dancing, bodies moving in real space in real time, and true acoustics from the live big band orchestra on the stage.

New hair color

It's been a nice weekend so far, quiet and productive. I got my laundry out of the way Friday night because I knew I was going to have a lot to do.

Saturday I went to Vidal Sassoon on 56th Street to get my hair colored - the first time it's been done by someone other than Edison in a few years. My stylist was named Kelly, an Asian woman, so I felt a little reassured about that. I loved the color she had in her hair, a lavender purplish tint, so we tried for that.

Mine turned out to be more like fuchsia, but it might change after a few washes. It's the first time I've had chunks of my hair tinted like this - usually I get highlights that are more subtle and natural. But I guess part of my explorations includes playing with my look and pushing the envelope. Fortunately, I feel more and more comfortable at work expressing my non-mainstream identity with my co-workers and not feeling like I'm being judged for it (even though I probably am by some of them, but I really don't care).

The coloring took 3 1/2 hours, a lot longer than I thought it would, which made me a little bit late for my 3 pm meeting at the Ziegfeld Theater with my Women's Poly Group. Loli came for one more visit before she leaves for the summer to upstate New York, and Sylwia came for the first time in almost a year. A new member, Katie, also attended for the first time - she's been to the last two Open Love NY meetings though. She's 24, a recent graduate from Ithaca College in journalism (what's with all the journalism students crossing my path lately?) and dating a college sweetheart named David while exploring an open relationship.

We saw the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, which was just okay. I'm not a huge fan of this franchise, although I liked the first movie when it came out. I felt like it was a little too tricksy with the 3-D effects, like having characters point their swords on a few occasions at the audience. I'm not a fan of 3-D in general because they usually give me a headache, and did on this occasion. I think I'm going to actively avoid 3-D from now on, which shouldn't be hard since I don't get to see many movies in the first place (although I do want to see the new X-Men movie , Green Lantern, the Harry Potter finale, and of course, Breaking Dawn, Part 1 this fall).

After the movie we went to the nearby Topaz Thai restaurant for a long, enjoyable meal and talked for almost three hours until the waitstaff were practically begging us to leave. I had to share Sylwia's pitiful umbrella to keep my freshly colored hair from getting wet. All in all, it was one of our best meetings in a while, and I'm going to make an effort to do more fun things with this group.

Today I did a lot of my grocery shopping at my usual stores in Chinatown and the Food Emporium on 9th Avenue. I'm planning to make curry chicken with liver and hearts again to eat with the fried rice I made last week. Then I also had to spend a few hours working on Nearing's sustainability report, which I didn't have enough time to do last week.

Monday I'm taking a rare day off (probably only my second day off this year so far, not counting holidays) to visit my endocrinologist and maybe do some shopping. Tuesday is Open Love NY, and then the holiday weekend beckons. It will probably give me a sense of deja vu because I'll be going back to the same salon on Saturday for a haircut to go with my new color.

Gratuity

My forehead is starting to peel from being sunburned last week in Carlsbad and playing softball. So annoying. I've been using extra facial scrub and lotion on it today so hopefully I won't look like a leper tomorrow.

I'm still feeling the effects of the softball game in my back, shoulder and neck. I really played hard, dammit! I even got a hot stone massage at the Hand and Stone spa near my office on Friday, which felt wonderful but didn't really help my injuries. I also got a facial, which was equally as good.

So yesterday I visited Times Square Metro Massage which is right across the street from my apartment building because my neck and shoulders were really hurting. This spa is not nearly as nice as Hand and Stone, which is also not nearly as nice as Spa Merge, where Puck and I visited earlier this year ("Ski, sauna, spa and shibari" - Jan. 13, 2011). But the therapist at Metro really knows what she's doing, and she massages with her whole body, like really good sex :) The fact that it's super-convenient and has late hours are both big pluses.

The downside is that they don't really have their service very fine-tuned. Their credit card machine didn't work, so that forced me to pay in cash - fortunately I barely had enough. They also did something that I consider a big no-no, it's one of my pet peeves actually - they asked for a bigger tip than I wanted to give them. This is a capital offense in most cases for me. A nail salon that I'd been going to for a year did that to me once and I never went back there. Spa Merge did that too, which is why I don't plan on going back. I might make an exception with Metro because it's so convenient, but I'm probably only going to tip 15% next time, instead of my customary 20-22%.

To me, a gratuity in most cases has to be earned. The rule of thumb is that acceptable service gets 15%, good service gets 20% and exceptional service gets 25%. Also, first-time visits usually get 20% as a default, because I have no baseline yet to measure what exceptional service is for that establishment. If the service is unacceptable, it's best to speak to the management and then leave 10 or 15%. I've hardly ever had unacceptable service in my life (although there was one time at a Holiday Inn on family vacation that I remember well because we wrote a long complaint on a comment card), but there are different standards of service.

For example, I once went to Brennan's with some friends, a world-class Creole restaurant in downtown Houston. We went late on Mother's Day, when the waitstaff I'm sure was tired after a long and busy day. The food was excellent, but there were several service gaffes: a steak had to be sent back because it was not cooked well-done as ordered, courses were brought out overlapping each other, and a few other things. Nothing that would completely spoil the meal, but sub-par for a five-star restaurant.

So upon leaving, we spoke to the maitre d' about the problems, and he offered us an after-dinner cordial by way of apology, but by that time it was very late and we were ready to go. Without hesitation, he took back the check for the entire table, which amounted to almost $300. And believe you me, this is not the first time or place that I've told that story - it remains one of my gold standards for how world-class establishments should treat their customers.

Anyway, as you might guess by now, my standards for good service are pretty high, especially at finer establishments. I was greatly disappointed with the experience at Spa Merge, for example, because it was otherwise a very fine (and quite pricey) experience but they fumbled several things, possibly because of the disorganization from the blizzard the day before.

In fact, when I think of great service, the only place in New York so far that comes to mind is the Palm Restaurant and it's no coincidence that I've taken Puck there three times this year. Not that they don't slip up now and then, but they are consistently of a high quality and display the right attitude in making the customer feel not just welcome, but valued. And perhaps, for the average price of a meal there, you might say it's expected, but I've come to find that's not always the case.

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention my regular hair stylist of renown, Edison, who has been doing my hair for going on three years (although I've recently been trying a new stylist my co-worker Jennifer introduced me to). Even though Edison doesn't always do exactly what he's supposed to (he did butcher Bonnie's hair once and Puck's bright colors have not always turned out exactly how they expected) he never fails to be gracious, attentive and cheerful. The right attitude goes a long way, and I've always been incredibly loyal to businesses that treat their customers the right way.

Slumber party

Finally life is settling down a bit and getting back into my routine after a busy weekend following my hectic week of travel. Puck came over early Saturday morning and crawled into bed with me so we had some nice morning snuggles.

We had intended to visit the parents in Staten Island that day, but since we woke up late we decided it was going to be too hectic to drive there for only an hour's visit and back. We had a leisurely breakfast, followed by a rather intense relationship check-in, because we haven’t actually seen each other since the ice cream social a few weeks ago. In keeping with our history of small moves, we agreed on a change and voiced some of the things that needed to be said. We both used quite a few tissues, but ended on a positive note and our relationship is certainly the better for it.

So not going to Staten Island was good because it also gave Puck a chance to chill after that while I went to Chinatown and got ingredients to make my peanut sesame noodles for the House Penguin Slumber Party that night in Springfield, MA. My version of these noodles is based on a dish my dad used to make, but his is far superior. I just made it up to be as close to what I remember, but I’m sure I’m missing some kind of secret technique or ingredient because it doesn’t quite taste the same. Here’s my recipe:

8 oz jar of peanut satay sauce
1/3 cup of creamy peanut butter
¼ cup soy sauce
¼ cup rice vinegar
2 tablespoons sambal oelek (southeast Asian chili sauce)
2 bunches of green onions, sliced diagonally
1 large red bell pepper, julienned
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 jar of chili bamboo shoots
1 package of round white Chinese noodles

Combine the sauces and vegetables (except bamboo shoots) in the bottom of a large bowl while noodles cook to a firm texture. Drain noodles and mix with sauces and vegetables while still hot (to melt the peanut butter and soften the vegetables), adding bamboo shoots on top with some, but not all of the chili sesame oil to keep the noodles from sticking. Serve room temperature or also tastes good stir fried.

At 5 pm the noodles were ready and we went downstairs to meet our friends at the garage across the street to get Yoshi. To fit everyone in, they helped me take out my Christmas tree and two of my large storage tubs and bring them up to the apartment, which was a great help since my back still hurt from softball. Then we all piled in for the 3+ hour drive to Springfield.

By the time we got to the party, things were in full swing. One girl whom I met at Wicked Faire along with one of our hosts, Dark was in the kitchen laying nude on a massage table being drizzled with colorful melted wax and candles to be a birthday “cake.” Upstairs at the food table I met Sarah and Rose, two roommates from the western Massachusetts area – unfortunately, Sarah couldn’t eat my noodles because she can’t handle spicy food.

Downstairs, I walked into the living room and sat down in a chair because my back was hurting and met a lovely woman before another girl, um, distracted her from talking to me.

As the evening entered the wee hours and local people started to leave, I set up the air mattress for Puck in the living room. I had a dream that I was a prostitute who drove around on a motorcycle, taking her tricks back to a motor home parked under a freeway overpass, but I did actually sleep quite well.

The next morning we ate leftovers for breakfast and played card games on the floor, while other people had a sing-a-long in the next room with a guitar and lyrics on the flatscreen TV. We left in the early afternoon, dropping everybody off before heading down to Staten Island to visit Puck’s family. The nomadic sister Ella and her husband Sasha are back home from their year-long sabbatical, so it was nice catching up with them.

Finally, we came back to the apartment to park Yoshi and took the subway down to Union Square to meet up with Peter (Puck’s other from the Netherlands) and have a late dinner at Max Brenner’s. We had a gorgeous sesame-crusted salmon with a wasabi mayonnaise aioli and I had probably the best milkshake ever, a chocolate hazelnut concoction. Puck and Peter both had spicy Mexican chocolate coffee.

Cross-country week

This was probably the most exciting work-related week I’ve ever had at Nearing. On Monday afternoon, I left my office in Princeton and got on a plane to San Diego, a non-stop six-hour flight.

There was an Indian family sitting all around me, a mom and dad, brother and sister. They were sitting in the middle seats of four different rows, and the 6-year-old girl sat next to me. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t sit next to her mom and was complaining loudly when she first sat down. So I started talking to her and established a little bit of a rapport while her mom asked the other passengers around her if they wouldn’t mind switching with her. By the time she found a taker and asked her if she wanted to move, she said no, she was okay sitting between me and another woman.

So for nearly the entire trip I chatted gaily with the girl while she watched Disney Channel shows, occasionally offering me one of her earbuds to listen along with her. We shared snacks with each other (I had brought some pizza-flavored Combos and a tangerine on board). It was a lot of fun and her parents were so appreciative.

It’s not the first time I’ve made such a connection on a plane. I remember back in 2005 on my way back from Los Angeles I sat next to a teenager and her aunt and had a very nice talk on the short flight from Phoenix to Houston. And talking to this young girl reminded me of the times I shared with Pearl when she was that age, so it was very nostalgic for me.

I landed in San Diego and drove up to the Marriott Del Mar, a very nice hotel halfway up to Carlsbad, where our offices and power plant are located. I ordered a yummy late supper of fried duck tacos and fancy macaroni and cheese and went to bed.

In the morning I took a tour of the power plant and then watched the Coast Guard drill of setting up buoys and pretend to clean up an imaginary oil spill in the lagoon that supplies water to cool the plant.



I also toured the aquafarms that grow oysters, mussels and abalone for local restaurants. It takes five years to grow an abalone to market size, so it’s quite an investment. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t get Kelly, my tour guide, to give me a sample.




After the drill was over and the TV cameras had packed up and left, I drove over to the headquarters and visited some of my colleagues in the West region and the Solar team. It was still early, so I went to a nearby outlet mall and bought a scarf and two pairs of jeans from Lucky (finally, long enough for me and without rips in them so I can wear them to work).

Then I went into the Addidas shop and found one pair of baseball cleats in my size for only $10. Thursday I was going to play in a softball tournament in Maryland, so I took that as a good sign and bought them. I also found some yoga pants at the Gap for $6. Heavily laden, I drove to the West Grill for a dinner of a trio of fish tartare dishes and a New York strip steak with mushrooms and gnocchi on the side.

I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 3 am to catch the first flight out from San Diego to Chicago, then on to Baltimore. I got off the plane and took a shuttle bus to a lovely Hyatt resort for a company dinner of the best crab cakes I’ve ever had (with a Cajun and a caper remoulade), followed by a funny and pretty amazing magician act.

Thursday morning we went out to the ball field for the softball tournament. Each region of Nearing fields a team, so I was on the Princeton team. Although I normally play second base, our coach needed a pitcher because our regular pitcher had a family emergency and couldn’t make it to Maryland for the tournament. I’ve never pitched softball before, so I was very nervous about being put in such an important position.

The first time I took the mound for practice, I couldn’t even get the ball to the plate underhand. I took a lot of time figuring out my grip and a pitching windup (based on my bowling motion) where I could get the ball over the plate with some arc. Our first game was against the Texas team, usually one of the powerhouse teams, since they are the largest single office in the entire Company, they have a large pool of talent to draw from. But somehow I managed to hold them to just a single run, plus I went 2-for-2 at the plate, and we won the game 6-1. That was a nice bit of payback because Texas knocked Princeton out last year (although I wasn’t playing on last year’s team). They did have one scary moment when a Texas batter hit a sharp grounder right back up through the mound that just missed me:



I repeated the pitching performance against the next team, which we also beat 6-1, setting up a showdown with the defending champions, the South Central team for the title. We took an early lead and managed to hang on for a hard-fought 5-3 win, bringing the trophy home to Princeton.

Then it was on to the party tent and tasting all the wonderful food that the various teams from different regions had prepared, from braised ribs over polenta (from the Princeton team again, which won first place for that dish) to crawfish etouffee, fajitas and some outstanding shrimp ceviche. The Texas team won the overall best menu prize for the cooking contest.




There was a live band and a wonderful grapefruit drink made from freshly squeezed grapefruit, ruby red Absolut vodka, triple-sec and a splash of Sprite over ice. Plus there were games for kids and adults too:



I was so tired and worn out from being outside and traveling and playing softball that I went back to the hotel as soon as I could and crashed. This morning I got a ride from some co-workers back to Princeton and we talked about relationships and polyamory, since they are both single and have complicated, non-traditional relationships. Tonight, I’m really looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, with the added bonus of having Puck sleeping next to me.

edit: Unfortunately Puck couldn't make it tonight, so more of the bed for me. Which is kinda good because my back hurts from playing softball :/

New chapter

On my private blog, I’ve flipped a new chapter in my ongoing story. I’m closing Chapter Four: Polyamorous Life in New York and starting Chapter Five: Kink Explorations. This milestone represents a change of focus in my life.

Of course, I am still poly, and I’m still a leader in the poly community. But in short, I feel I’ve learned everything I want to learn about polyamory and have incorporated that into my identity. Now I feel that it’s time for me to put that aspect of my life on the back burner and focus on something different.

I’ve been part of two alternative communities in my life, starting with the transgender community, both online and in the real world, when I was transitioning. I spent two years in that community in Houston and on the old Transgender Boards, where I was a sponsor and an leadership member before they migrated to a different server and I lost contact. But it was through those Boards that I met Tara, and guided me to my new life in the Northeast.

In January 2008, I joined the poly community by attending meetings at Polyamorous NYC, and in October of that year, I met Puck at the Poly Pride rally in Central Park, where we were both volunteers for the event. The idea for Open Love NY was hatched at Poly Living 2009, where I was a volunteer on the tech team. That year I also started going to the monthly Poly Cocktails events and went to 13 of them in a row. I took a lead role as a liaison between PolyNYC and OLNY to create the new organization, and then organized the first public event in November celebrating Puck’s 19th birthday. In March 2010, we started our regular monthly meetings, and I was appointed OLNY’s first president in July.

It has mostly been Puck who has introduced me to the kink community, starting with rope play with Ryan back in August 2009 ("Polys in the wild" - August 11, 2009). But I also attended Manhattan LoveFest IV in July of that year on my own ("Manhattan LoveFest IV" - July 31, 2009), and Alphabet Soup back in April 2009 where I saw fire play for the first time ("Fire play" - April 24, 2009). Bonnie also had a small amount of influence in 2010.

So I can say I’ve dabbled up until now, but I want to start exploring it with intention. I don’t know where it will lead, but I also certainly never thought I’d be the president of NYC’s largest poly group only two and a half years after coming out poly. When I put my energy into getting involved with something (or someone), I usually get some kind of significant result. So we’ll see where this new direction leads and how far I want to go.

MMMM

Friday night I went to my first solo FetLife event, the Mid-Manhattan Midnight Munch (MMMM), one that I went to before back in early February with Puck and Emily, their friend from school. The difference was that this time, I actually knew people who were there before coming, and that's a big difference in comfort-level for me to attend something on my own.

Jet and James were already there when I arrived. I first met Jet at the February munch, and I saw them both last Saturday at an ice cream social Puck and I attended, where I met James for the first time. He and Puck have been close for a few months now - since he lives out on Long Island, he is able to visit SBU. I also met one of his others, Charity, last weekend as well. They had just come from her gang-bang party last Friday night.

So I sat with James and Jet (who are currently involved) until my food arrived and I went searching for hot sauce, as I often have to do when I dine. Upon having the bottle placed in my hand by the waiter, I was grabbed from behind by Piper and we greeted each other - we hadn't seen each other since late February's Oscar nominee roundup, although we've been communicating on FetLife.

I also spent some time that evening getting to know Bellatrix (whom I met back in February, but she didn't really remember me) and Rose, who was also at last Tuesday's Open Love NY membership meeting (she's others with Ben on the leadership team for OLNY). Piper and I had a nice talk about what's going on with me and Puck, and it was good to get her perspective on it.

Since I didn't get to sleep until about 5 am, Saturday I woke up around noon and didn't really get much going on the things I wanted to do. Puck signed on and we finally had our big relationship check-in where I got to say a lot of the things that have been on my mind, and they clarified a little what's going on with them. It was long and difficult, and a couple times bordered on meltdowns, but we managed to end on a fairly neutral note. It was the hardest talk we've ever had and probably the hardest relationship talk since last year's breakup with Bonnie.

After that I went to the gym to burn off some of the stress, then got ready for Leon's birthday party at River NYC where the birthday boy was guest-bartending for the night. I sat with Poly Cocktails founder O Man and his date, Jen, and had Leon make me a Long Island iced tea, a blueberry cosmopolitan and a sidecar (Jen was kind enough to look up the recipe on her phone because Leon didn't know how to make it).

In about 90 minutes I was pretty drunk, probably more drunk that I've been since college. I talked to some people at the bar, but I really just wanted to be alone, so I stumbled my way home and went to sleep. Thankfully, I'm feeling okay this morning.

I don't like that I engage in self-destructive behavior when I'm feeling badly about relationships, but I just don't know what else to do. Puck needs me to be patient with them, so I'm going to try and just put this episode behind me and not think too much about a future that is becoming very cloudy all of a sudden.

Easter egg party

I actually had a nice day today, but a crap weekend with Puck. Really don't feel like going into all the negative details, that's more private journal stuff. I don't vent in my blog the way Bonnie does. But there were definitely times this weekend when I was very close to suggesting changes to our relationship. As it is, we're just going to try and do better, and maybe give each other some more space for a while.

Today I went to a Ukrainian Easter egg party hosted by Storm, one of my long-time friends I met years ago when I first started the Poly Women's Group. She commandeered her ex Jonathan's apartment on the Upper West Side for the party - his place is amazing! It's a huge (by NYC standards) apartment with a large living room that holds a piano, a dining room, kitchen, bedrooms, etc. In fact, one of his roommates literally lives in the kitchen pantry! He's gay, so the joke is that he comes out of the closet every morning.

The bookshelves are full of old books (the place belonged to his grandparents) and there are all kinds of decorative items everywhere, and original art on the walls. Everything is so old and antique, so different from my modern furnishings (since nearly everything I own except my stuffed animals is less than five years old).

To make the eggs we used the wax resist method, which is complex and time-consuming. We used tools made from copper on wooden sticks that were much like fountain pen nibs. We scraped beeswax into the reservoir and melted the wax with a candle so it would flow through a tiny hole in the reservoir and we could draw designs on the egg.

Then we dunk the egg in an intense dye, starting with lighter colors like yellow and orange. The areas covered with wax retain the base colors through repeated dyeing with darker and darker colors. Then we had to melt the wax off by holding the egg itself near the candle and carefully wiping the wax away. I worked on my egg for more than three hours, drawing a meticulous Faberge egg-inspired design, but it didn't quite turn out the way I'd planned. Still, it wasn't bad for a first try.



After my egg was done, I sat in the living room and listened to a group of musicians practice, a string quartet and a vocalist. They played some very avant garde music, like early Laurie Anderson but more classically inspired. It was quite interesting and entertaining.

Storm and I didn't get to talk much about personal stuff, but it was pleasant to see her again. And it's interesting hanging out in a room of people who work in theater and other creative fields, speak several languages and discuss philosophy, art and culture instead of current TV shows.

Musical memories

While I was in Texas, my office hired a new person in the pod so they moved me to the opposite corner of the building. There’s good points and bad points about this. I have to walk about 120 steps each way to get back to the pod, and I’m no longer by the café, so if I want a Diet Mountain Dew, I have to trek over there for that.

Being away from Lori and Meredith and sitting next to Erik means I miss some of what’s going on, but it’s also easier for me to focus on doing my own tasks. Since I don’t have to have my antennae up all the time, sometimes I put my iPod on to drown out the chatter so I can work.

Yesterday I was listening to Paramore’s first album, “All We Know Is Falling” and I was transported back to when I first discovered them on Stephenie Meyer’s blog when “Decode” was announced as the first single for the Twilight movie. You know how you get that visceral reaction when you hear music you haven’t heard for a long time, and it belongs of a time that is very different from your current reality?

I still remember that time period (“Twilight music” – Oct. 7, 2008) when I first bought that album. I was working in midtown Manhattan for Agent K. I actually had to leave my office for lunch, which I don’t do anymore. I just started seeing Puck, and it was the time period when I was starting to fall for them. It was also the start of my musical explorations independent from Tara. All in all, a period of great changes in my life.

I’ve been feeling surprisingly outgoing and energetic for the past 48 hours or so. Maybe it’s from all the activity that’s going on in the next few weeks. Softball practice tonight, Poly Women’s Group tomorrow night, then Puck and I hang out Saturday for ice cream in the afternoon, Leon's birthday party in the evening at River NYC and a FetLife rumble late (where we might also bump into Piper). Tuesday is Open Love NY where I’ll be leading a member discussion.

The entire week of May 9, I’ll be traveling for work – to Carlsbad, California for a couple days to help with a spill drill, then back and straight to Maryland for two nights at the companywide softball tournament, the first time I’ve been invited to play. So I hope this newfound energy and enthusiasm lasts.

Oh, so Seder dinner – it was fine. Susan and her son Joey from Puck’s shul came – I’d met them before. Different from last year when it was all family, but it’s always nice to be with Puck on special occasions. I love the way they tuck me into bed at night.