Happy Birthday Tara

Today is Tara’s birthday. I wish I could celebrate it with her, but the best I can do is honor and remember the times we had together.



The girl who sits across from me at work asked me today what part of Texas I hail from.

Houston, I said, and I’m going back there for a 10-day work assignment starting tomorrow.

No trace of an accent, she said.

That’s because I had to re-learn how to talk a few years ago, I said.

Then fortunately the group conversation steered elsewhere before I was asked to elaborate. Anyone who’s been to my office knows how open it is, and I don’t really like coming out to people en masse.

Days like today, I think about the process of how I reinvent myself every day, and how I have been doing it continuously for the past five years so that I don’t even realize I’m doing it anymore. I pick up new things from everything I come in contact with, analyze, filter and decide if it’s something I want to use. Almost every thought that runs through my head, I can trace back to an experience or person from the past five years. Most of it comes from Tara and her family, a lot comes from Puck, some from Bonnie and Hiba, and a little from other friends and co-workers. Very, very little remains from my old life and the people who were in it, except for what I choose to keep from my professional life.

I haven’t felt much like writing this past week because it’s been so crazy at work with all the nuclear kerfuffle, but there’s really not much to tell. Friday night I went to my friend Lyndell’s birthday party and listened to erotic poetry readings. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Puck on weekends, and they gave me a huge surprise when I returned home last Thursday night to find them at the apartment with dinner on the stove. My arcade joystick came in, plus my second PS3 controller, but I haven’t had much time to use them.

Yesterday Puck and I drove down to Hazlet, NJ in a red Mini Clubman Zipcar for Ryan and Beth’s engagement party. We came back and went to Gamestop to buy some PS3 games, then to the movies to see Suckerpunch, which was just okay.



I feel like there’s some tension in our relationship, but I can’t really say why. Things are fine on the surface, but we are a bit overdue for a serious check-in. Maybe when I get back from Houston in a couple weeks.

I’m rather looking forward to my Houston trip tomorrow. It will be nice to have a change of scenery at work, and after my trip in November, I’ll feel less anxious about stepping back into that environment. I’m looking forward to all the great food I’m going to eat, going to the Rothko Chapel again, and best of all, a co-worker in Houston got me a floor ticket to see a Houston Rockets basketball game in the Toyota Center - I hope Tim Duncan doesn’t dive on top of me going for a loose ball!

I’m not planning to see anybody from my past except for Linda, my former TxDOT co-worker and current pen pal, who is more involved with me in the present than she ever was in my past, so I don’t really count her as someone from my past. Best to keep the past where it belongs. Not to say I don’t still miss Tara and Bonnie, especially on anniversaries like today, but I wish them both only the best for whatever life has to offer.

Perfect days

I was thinking today about perfect days in my life. You know, those days where plans go right, when amazing things happen, that you remember for a long time. Focusing on living in the moment to me means that when those wonderful moments occur, you can be fully present in them.

Sunday was close to perfect. I made fried egg sandwiches on jalapeno cheese bread with a side of tabouli for breakfast. I sat in the playpen and read a couple chapters of “Winter’s Tale.” I watched Sherlock Holmes and the making of the movie. I played some Street Fighter 4 on my new PS3. In the evening I took a short walk around Times Square, then went over to Magnolia Bakery at Rockefeller Center to get some banana pudding. Then I stopped at a food cart to get some lamb over rice and went home to eat dinner. It was one of the most peaceful days I’ve had in a while.

Truly perfect days are rare. The last one I recall was the last day of the staycation in August with Bonnie, when we went to the Met and won front-row tickets to see “Wicked”. The one before that was Poly Pride in October 2009, when Kerry joined Puck and me to celebrate our first anniversary ("Poly Pride 2009" - October 13, 2009)

The night I met Tara and her family for the first time, after IMing with her for over a year – despite all the logistics of missing my flight and being delayed by awful weather – it turned out to be absolutely perfect, like the ending of Sleepless in Seattle ("Third anniversary" - October 14, 2008). And Samhain 2008 with Tara was pretty awesome too ("Samhain at the Met" - October 31, 2008)

Back when I kept my old journal after college, I used to rate special days on a 10-point scale. I remember having a few close to perfect days with my friend Pearl, 8.9 or 9.0 on the scale. I always marvel at the perfect timing that she became such a big part of my life when I needed her most (after Agnieszka Prime left town), giving me the uncomplicated and pure friendship that only a child can give. Just hanging out with her, running errands, buying Shipley’s donuts – being together made everything fun, and without the heaviness that sometimes comes with adult relationships.

There have been a lot of days that are more significant, filled with adventure; or fun days when cool stuff happens. I don’t mean to discount the importance of days like getting a new job or doing good work, but what I have to do for a living doesn’t factor into my idea of a perfect day. For me, perfect days are a combination of excitement and peace, and strike a balance between what I think I want and what I really need. And they usually have to involve someone I love, platonically or otherwise.

Another quiet weekend

It's been another wonderfully quiet and peaceful weekend. I did a lot of reading, mostly Winter's Tale, and I'm about halfway through now. I'm also liking Avril Lavigne's new album, "Goodbye Lullaby." Even though her voice can be a little grating sometimes, she has some good songwriting chops.

Friday I went out to Best Buy and bought a Sony Playstation 3, something I've been meaning to do for a while so I can play my Blu-Ray movies, and they were offering a $50 gift card with purchase. I got Gran Turismo 5, a car racing simulator, and Street Fighter 4, the modern version of my favorite game, Street Fighter II Turbo on the Super Nintendo system, several generations ago in the days of 16-bit console games. So this weekend I've been trying out the PS3, getting to know how it works, playing the games and watching special features of my Blu-Ray discs (Eclipse, Coraline and Beauty and the Beast) that I haven't been able to access until now.

There's something going on in Times Square this weekend because I keep hearing 80s music like Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" out the window. Nivea has these huge stages set up, but when I went out to look this evening they were empty. Maybe people are getting worked up for St. Patrick's Day this coming week.

It's been a couple quiet weekends in a row, but that's good because the next two weeks are busy. Poly Cocktails tomorrow night, Poly Women's Group on Tuesday, and this coming weekend is Purim, so Puck and I will be getting into costume once more and going to an event with their family. Then the following Tuesday is Open Love NY, and that weekend is Ryan and Beth's engagement party, so they will be coming back for that too. Thankfully, after a weekend of home cooking, they are feeling better now, and it turned out not to be strep throat after all.

Lashes and cash

Just a few random thoughts today, ranging from the very significant to the completely trivial.

Starting with the significant – I got a nice review at work this week, which led to a pay raise and an annual bonus. The pay raise is just enough (after taxes) to cover my rent increase, so that’s a wash. The bonus, however, is sizable enough to buy a brand-new compact car (although taxes will take a big chunk of that), so that’s a welcome addition to my bank account. If Nearing continues to be successful and I continue to perform well, I should have enough to put a down payment on a permanent dwelling in a few years. Or maybe I can finally take that trip to Italy I’ve been thinking about. But for now, it gives me an extra cushion in case I find myself unemployed again.

In the past, when I got a raise, I’d take my family out to celebrate at Harold’s – that was our tradition. But somehow I just don’t feel much like celebrating, even though it’s a huge paycheck and I’m certainly happy and grateful. Maybe I’m just not living in the moment on this one, or maybe I just don’t want to get too excited and buy something stupid.

But the thing about me and money is that having a lot of it doesn't really make me want to buy things I didn't already want. I'd much rather spend it taking someone out to dinner or an event, be it a movie, concert or show. It almost always makes me happier to spend money with someone than on myself. But unfortunately, Puck is sick and they are probably not up for celebrating this weekend.

I went out to see “The Adjustment Bureau” with my friend Angel tonight. She came directly to the theater from dinner where she just broke up with her girlfriend of two months (they met on New Year's Eve). The movie was pretty good, but you have to be a hopeless romantic to really enjoy it. Unfortunately, not everyone in the theater was in that kind of space, so the spell that was being cast often got interrupted by sarcastic and cynical comments, snickering or outright groaning. But for someone who believes in love, there are powerful moments in this film, and it really does make you think about the nature of love and destiny.

The weight loss has been slowing lately, but that's to be expected. I've dropped 20 pounds and haven't gained any back yet. I'm eating a lot more fruit lately, taking apples and oranges from work home to have with dinner. I generally eat some blueberries or grapes with my lunch too, which is usually salad.

I'm also wearing mascara everyday now too. I used to hate wearing it, but now that I've kinda made it a habit and gotten used to it, it's doing wonders for my lashes. I always envied Tara's long, full lashes, and it's because she's been wearing mascara since she was a child, whereas I didn't touch any kind of makeup until only five years ago. I'm using Clinique's lash building primer and mascara, and I apply it on the train every morning on my way to work.

As you can see on my GoodReads window, I got some new graphic novels - the new Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter by Laurell K. Hamilton, Echo: Black Hole by Terry Moore, and the third volume of Madame Xanadu, a Vertigo title. I'm also still trying to finish Mark Helprin's Winter's Tale before the weather gets too warm.

Anyway, enough rambling. I'm so ready for a quiet, relaxing weekend.

Sex dream

Had an interesting sex dream last night, unusual since I only got about four hours of sleep. I was invited to a party by a female friend. We entered a large open space that was filled with people who were all laying on mats having sex with each other. It looked like a yoga studio of sex.

She was showing me an app on a smart phone related to this party where we could make a suggested donation for attending, so I contributed $20. We laid down on an empty mat and she got on top of me. And while the physical sensations were nice, I remember feeling ill at ease, like I couldn’t really let myself go. I don’t think it was because of anything to do with her (in real life I’m not really attracted to her); I think it was more that, after Bonnie, I’m feeling a little gun-shy when it comes to sex.

Totally random note – I saw this show called “The Best Thing I Ever Ate” and it had a recipe I wanted to try for beer nuts that are served at a bar near Union Square. You take a can of plain mixed nuts and put them on a cookie sheet in a 400 degree oven for about 5-10 minutes until they are really hot. Mix in a large bowl a stick of butter, brown sugar, sea salt, ground cayenne pepper and fresh sprigs of rosemary. Pour the hot nuts in and stir to melt the butter and mix the ingredients. Very simple recipe and it sounds delicious.

Life is pretty routine at the moment, but there are still simple pleasures to be had. Yesterday I left work early to attend the OLNY leadership meeting, so it was the first time in months that I’ve left work in full sunlight. I was standing out on the train platform, and it was a moderately windy day, and very dry. The smell of the air reminded me of fall outings with my family, hiking in the forests, visiting pumpkin patches. The sun warmed my skin while the air was cold and the wind was bracing.

It felt good to be alive.

Semantics

As readers know, lately Puck has changed their preferred pronoun to reflect their genderqueer status, and I’ve been slowly learning to use gender-neutral pronouns when referring to them.

So I asked them last night if they still wanted me to refer to them as my girlfriend. Interestingly, they didn’t really mind that because for some reason, they can hear me saying they are my girlfriend without thinking of themself as a girl. However, in order for me to reinforce the usage of gender-neutral pronouns, it’s helpful for me to use something other than “girlfriend” to describe them, because when I think of girlfriend I can’t help but assign gender to that role. It’s not unheard of to de-gender a previously gendered word (e.g. “guys” is now pretty gender-neutral when used in direct address) but “girl” is still pretty strongly gendered toward the feminine, at least in my mind.

So I’ve been thinking of what else we might call one another to describe our relationship to other people, especially those in the mundy (mundane, or non-queer) world, where girlfriend has a clear meaning depending on how you emphasize it, and can also provide ambiguity if needed (although we are both pretty out to everyone).

While “significant other” is also appropriate and accurate, it’s kind of unwieldy and technical. “Partner” seems to imply a more serious and interdependent relationship than we currently have, since most mundys think queer people use that to describe their marriage partner, whether legal or not.

Two years ago we were "affectionate friends" (which seems inadequate to describe us now), or in an amitié amoureuse (“in-love friendship”) which is probably still applicable, but too difficult for everyday use. "Lovers" implies a more serious and sexual pairing than we currently have. "Sweethearts" is probably the most useful and accurate word to describe us, although they probably prefer the short form, "sweeties." I like the more formal version, maybe because it sounds so charmingly old-fashioned.

Most of this is just mental masturbation because it's not like it matters to anyone really, other than helping me adjust to them being genderqueer. We both know what our relationship is and what it means to us - the rest is just semantics.

Oscar roundup

I had a really fun time this weekend at the movies with Piper, watching seven Best Picture nominees in a row – Toy Story 3, 127 Hours, The Kids Are Alright, True Grit, The Fighter, Winter’s Bone and Black Swan.

I met Piper at the theater at 10 am for Toy Story 3, which I thought was the best movie of the day in terms of emotional impact. Maybe it’s because I’m invested in the characters after two excellent prequels; maybe it’s because I’m such a fan of The Velveteen Rabbit, or How Toys Become Real as a subject matter. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who believes that movie would be a strong Best Picture Oscar contender in a weaker field, and if the Academy didn’t handicap animated and foreign-language films by putting them in their own subcategorical ghettos for awards. There really should be a “Best Drama” and “Best Comedy” to balance the playing field if they are going to keep those categories.

Anyway, we both thought 127 Hours was a really hard film to watch. I think Danny Boyle is a great director in the sense he has such a unique style and flair, but the subject was a killer. Not to mention that decapitation and other bodily mutilations appeared in four of the nominated movies (five, if you count Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead having their body parts pulled off by screaming daycare toddlers).

The Kids Are Alright had its funny moments, which was a welcome change after sitting through 127 Hours. It’s hard for me to watch movies like that because of all the issues I have with birth families, compulsory monogamy and what might have been if I’d been allowed to make different choices during my transition. But it was definitely the lightweight movie of the group – only the superb acting by the leads makes it BP worthy, and Julianne Moore was robbed of a nomination in a strong field this year.

True Grit was surprisingly good, although I’m a fan of westerns to begin with. I am not, however, a big fan of the Cohen Brothers, but they made this remake into a very accessible film, and Hailee Steinfeld was amazing! Fittingly this year, she’s the most inspired debut performance of a young actress I can remember since Natalie Portman’s debut in The Professional.

The Fighter also took me a little by surprise. Christian Bale was fantastic – I really didn’t recognize him; he lost himself so completely in the role. It was better than I expected, but didn’t quite reach my standards of BP winner. Million Dollar Baby reduced me to a blubbery puddle of goo, and this was no Million Dollar Baby.

After The Fighter, Piper left because she’d seen everything else except for The King’s Speech, which wasn’t until 7 am Sunday morning, so I watched the last two with Rebecca, who was sitting next to us throughout. Winter’s Bone was an interesting movie, but unfortunately it suffered from two things – my highest expectations and that I was distracted by the noisy couple next to me, talking and eating food from noisy plastic wrapping. It’s the kind of movie that I’d have to watch again to fully appreciate, and it’s too bad that this little indie film didn’t pull off any upsets Sunday.

Finally, Black Swan started at 11:45 pm, also a very hard movie to watch, as Darren Aronofsky’s work sometimes is. I don’t like scary movies much, so near the end I spent a lot of time with my eyes covered – I’m such a marshmallow. The ending was good though, and that’s important. As a mind-f**k, it doesn’t hold a candle to my all-time favorite, David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive.

The final three movies in the marathon were Inception, The Social Network and The King’s Speech, but since I’d seen the first and third, I didn’t feel like sitting through Inception just to see The Social Network. Perhaps in hindsight, knowing how many awards it would pick up, I should have. I’m glad that Inception got its due in the technical categories, although Chris Nolan should have gotten a directing nod over Tom Hooper (the eventual winner). Just my opinion, of course – I didn’t think The King’s Speech was that great.

In between True Grit and The Fighter, Piper and I went to Shake Shack to grab a bit to eat – it was my first time there. They only sell burgers and hot dogs as entrees, but the frozen custard was really good. The burger was like a fresh In ‘n’ Out Burger, but smaller, so a good choice if you’re not too hungry. And since they provided us with $20 gift cards for the concession stand, I also ate a fair amount of movie food, which was pretty gross but convenient.

One more busy week at work and then I should be winding down a bit. There’s also an OLNY leadership meeting on Wednesday to talk about how to clean up Poly Cocktails, so I’ll be going back to Diana’s place in Brooklyn for that. Plus, I'm looking forward to seeing Puck Tuesday night as they pass through New York back to school from visiting Ryan in New Jersey.

The rent is too damn high!

In the last few days, I’ve been watching a lot of movies because I’ve been watching them on my laptop on the train, and there’s a lot of good stuff on TCM and AMC leading up to the Oscars this Sunday. I saw a bit of Amadeus the other night, and also watched Copying Beethoven on DVD – arguably two of the greatest movies ever made about classical composers and the nature of the divine spark in humanity.

These kinds of movies always remind me of my time with Tara, because she is the only true artist I’ve ever known personally, in the sense that she did it professionally and never aspired to be anything but an artist. She would be the first to say she’s lucky she has people around who love her and take care of her needs, because otherwise she would starve. As I’ve said before, her family lived very much like the bohemians of Rent, living paycheck to paycheck, sometimes not knowing if they could pay the bills each month. While I admired and tried to emulate them and their way of life, I could never quite bring myself to fully commit to that.

Speaking of rent, can you believe it’s been almost a year since I moved into the city? My lease is coming up due at the end of March, and of course, they are jacking it up $100 per month. I tried to call and negotiate, but they shut me down. Guess I’ll have to curtail those spa visits to make up for it. But it does make me think that maybe in a few years, if the rent keeps going up, and once Polina is out of school and traveling the world, maybe I will buy some kind of property nearer to wherever I’m working at that time. It’s kind of outrageous to be throwing away money on rent and then have that uncertainty of it going up every year. I should start saving up for my down payment.

I’m so glad it’s Friday! It’s been a tough week at work after my busy weekend at Wicked Faire, and we had Open Love NY this week too. I’m looking forward to sitting in the theater all day tomorrow with Piper and whomever she's bringing. Then Sunday night, the Oscars, which I haven’t seen in a few years, but I used to be a huge fan and I’ll have seen almost all the Best Picture nominees this year. It’s nice to get back to things I used to enjoy doing but kind of got lost in the shuffle of transition.

I watched Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps last night, and there's a scene when Jake and Winnie break up. It made me think about Bonnie, and how there's a point for most people where they know unequivocably that a relationship is over, when love is over. I knew it the day I had that awful phone call with my ex-wife while she was in California, but that's the only time I've felt it. My other two breakups have gone not with bangs, but with whispers.

I really should be more protective of my heart, but what is it good for if not to be consumed, to be used as a vessel of joy, passion and happiness? My heart is an organ of fire, not of stone. I refuse to let fear rule my life. I think I've forgotten that and I need to remind myself from time to time.

Wicked Faire!

This weekend I had a great time at Wicked Faire in Somerset, NJ with Puck and a bunch of our mutual friends and acquaintances. We stayed in a hotel room with four other people including Puck's friend Eric, so it was a bit crowded, but we didn't spend much time there anyway.

The theme of the event was "Fairy Tales Gone Wrong," and I loved the massive balloon structure of Rapunzel's Tower, which stood about 20 feet high in the lobby:



I arrived on Friday night after work and ran into Ryan and Beth shortly after I arrived. Puck came in later with Eric, who picked them up from Penn Station. The first presentation I attended was one on BDSM toys (floggers, paddles, whips, etc.) given by Dark, another of Puck's acquaintances. I knew him because they told me about him, but he didn't know me yet. He was accompanied by several women who served as test subjects for the various implements of pain. I've heard Morpheus' BDSM 101 presentation, so it wasn't all new to me, but Dark really knows his stuff.

Puck and Eric arrived in the middle of the presentation so I went out to meet them and organize our room situation. We went around looking at the vendors for a while because Puck wanted to buy some steampunk goggles, a vest and a few other things. We ran into Leon and Ardella from Open Love NY, and Roy and Michelle, who run the NJ poly group. It was everybody's first time at Wicked Faire, which I found rather comforting.

Beth, Ryan, Puck and I joined a small group in the gaming room to play a tabletop RPG called Deadlands, something I haven't done since the 1980s, when Dungeons & Dragons was new. Ryan played a crazy Russian hunter, Puck played a South American gaucho (cowhand) and I was a spy pretending to be a teacher. I can't remember what Beth's character was, other than he was named Mr. Smith. In the game we encountered a giant bear-gorilla in the woods of Washington State during the Civil War era, and we managed to defeat it. Ryan's character was almost killed, but I saved him by drawing the creature's attention with a daring attack on horseback.

Beth and Ryan went home after that, and Puck and I went to Dark's suite for my first kink play party. Puck put a box tie harness on me with rope, their first ever solo bondage scene tying someone up. I flogged one of Dark's subs, an Egyptian woman named Yasmine, which was a first for me. It was a nice crowd of people, and having gotten to know them at bit during the day made it more comfortable for me in the evenings. And of course some of them Puck knew from going to other parties in the past.

Saturday we went out to a nearby diner for breakfast with Eric and his friend Magdalene, and then came back to dress in our full costumed regalia. Puck dressed as a forest spirit and I dressed into my Renaissance Faire outfit. I teased and sculpted Puck's hair with hairspray, and they used my makeup to dramatic effect.



Later Puck bought a green leather mask that completed the costume nicely.



I stayed in the lobby to watch Leon in a grappling match where he dominated two other martial artists in a 10 minute match. This included a vicious body slam on the first guy, who then had to be replaced by someone bigger, but who didn't fare much better. I'm thankful Leon would be on my side in a street fight!



We also saw in the lobby a whip demonstration that included a four-crack move by this whipmaster:



Later, we met up to listen to Dark's performance of bluegrass renditions of popular music by Lady Gaga, Sir Mix-A-Lot and songs from the Joss Whedon-verse (Firefly, Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog).

One of Dark's entourage, Piper, served as the house girl for both late-night parties and was in sub-space all weekend. She was working at a toy booth Saturday afternoon and I was looking at a flogger while Puck and Ryan were having some alone time, so I got to test it out on her. It's a lovely toy, made from a carved wooden bedpost as the handle and long straps of red leather, so I bought it (my first one ever). Puck bought some sharp metal claws from the same booth, and got to try them on several different people.

Saturday night I went out to dinner at a sushi restaurant with Leon, Ardella and a couple new people, Alissa and David, while Puck went back to the diner with Ryan, Beth and other friends. Later, at Dark's party, Ryan and Beth brought out their extensive collection of toys and played with almost everyone in the room. Puck and I left for a while to try and see musician Voltaire perform on the main stage, but the prior band ran long so we just listened to them. They were really good though, very original stuff.



When we got back there was all sorts of kinky stuff going on, but I was feeling pretty tired, so I went to bed early. Ryan and Puck did a kinky scene together with rope later that night and he brought Piper into the scene since she was serving as the house girl. Puck told me about it the next day and it sounded pretty hot.

Sunday was a much more subdued day, as it usually is at the end of cons when everybody's leaving. We went to the diner again for breakfast, then came back to watch Ryan and his friend Murphy demonstrate rope bondage on Puck and a female wrestler named Ginger:



Murphy is quite the wizard with rope. He made this intricate rope swing, suspended from a custom frame he named "The Blue Raptor."



He was also playing some really cool mashup music by Robin Skouteris, who takes popular hits by Madonna, Britney Spears, Linkin Park, Nirvana, Michael Jackson and others and mashes them together to a dance beat. I really liked the one of "Circus" by Britney and "Numb Encore" by Linkin Park and Jay-Z. So he was nice enough to copy all those tracks to my flash drive for me.

As we were saying goodbye to Dark and his crew, it turned out that Piper needed a ride back to New York, so she rode with us as we went through Staten Island, stopping for tea with Puck's parents, then out to Stony Brook to drop Puck off at their dorm room, then back to Manhattan, where I dropped her off before coming home.

It was interesting getting to know her on a more personal level and it turns out we have some things in common - we are both journalism majors (she graduates from NYU this spring), and film buffs. So all in all, this weekend was certainly a big step in being fully acclimated to the kinky space and finding something fun and fulfilling in it for myself.

Valentine's Day

Puck surprised me on Sunday by stopping by in the afternoon and finding an excuse to stay the night and go back to Long Island in the morning, so my Valentine’s Day treat was getting an unexpected morning waking up with my love in bed (even if we had to wake up at 6:30 am). They was coming back from NJ and missed their connecting train to Stony Brook.

So instead of just a quick stopover before the next train, we decided to color their hair again – we had just been to Edison’s salon last weekend, but the color was a little bit light so they wanted to darken it to a richer red color. It was the first time I’d ever colored anyone’s hair – it’s actually kind of fun. It doesn’t smell as strongly as the chemicals I remember when I was a child, watching my mom color her hair. It turned out pretty well, although maybe not as red as we’d have liked.

One of the bestest things about living where I live is opportunities like this, the unplanned days of spending time together. I absolutely made the right decision to live in the city. I love the energy of walking through Times Square, especially when the air is clear and it’s not too crowded. If I lived in NJ, I might be closer to work and save money on commuting and taxes, but then I would spend most of my weekends feeling very isolated. And frankly, the majority of my time at home I do spend alone, but it doesn’t feel so alone knowing I could walk out my front door and into one of the great crossroads of the world. If I lived in NJ, I probably wouldn’t go to Poly Cocktails as often, I wouldn’t be able to host meetings for OLNY, and I certainly wouldn’t see Puck as much as I do, which is a joy.

I’m thinking about living locations today because my best friend Lori called me yesterday to catch up, and I found out she’s buying a co-op in Elmhurst, Queens, where Hiba and Bonnie live. Apparently she and Erik can’t stand living together, so they are going to live separately but still be a couple. Hopefully everything goes well for her and she will move in April. I’m excited for her, and it will be nice to have an excuse to go to Queens and try more of the wonderful and authentic Asian foods to be found there.

I don’t know that I’d ever buy a home again. I guess a lot depends on my working situation and other people who may come into my life. I’m happy where I live, even though it’s a long commute. Ultimately, I want to be where my friends and the people I love are, and days like Sunday make it all worthwhile.

A Brooklyn wedding

Just a quick update from work about the wedding this past Sunday. Polina invited me to her cousin Gene’s wedding at a synagogue in Brooklyn, possibly the first time I’ve ever been to a synagogue. There was a short ceremony in the afternoon, accompanied by a singer who also played guitar.



Afterward we went to a nearby restaurant where we hung out in a smaller room with hors d’oeuvres and drinks until it was time to go into the main room. The appetizers were so good (sushi, caviar crepes, brie on crackers, etc.) and we were so hungry by the time we arrived that I ate enough so that I wasn’t very hungry when we sat down at the table in the main room. Which is a shame because they had some delicious food waiting for us.



There was dancing pretty much from the get-go, led by a quartet of musicians and singers, one of whom doubled as the emcee. He was a wild looking guy with white spiky hair, and dressed in a white-tie tux and tails. One of the other singers was vaguely Asian and reminded Polina of actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt (from Inception).



Polina and her family sang a song in Russian for the bride, Yana, and the groom. They did this at her sister Ella’s wedding too. This is a family that loves to sing! For those of you who understand Russian, here’s the performance.

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v488/Waterlily88/?action=view&current=MOV03308.mp4

Finally, it was time to cut the cake and then they opened up a whole another room filled with desserts, including a croquembouche of profiteroles (choux pastry filled with cream).



Then there was the traditional bouquet and garter toss, except they did it in reverse – Yana threw her bouquet to the guys, and Gene threw her garter to the girls. Which reminds me: there was another queer couple there, Anna and Nat (Natalie) – Anna is the tall person below in the splendid black velvet tuxedo, which I complimented them on. Unfortunately, they were sitting on the opposite side of the room, so we didn’t get to talk to them very much.



Our ears were definitely ringing and our feet were sore by the time we left, but we had a wonderful time, and I’m happy that we were able to go together. It was definitely a wedding to remember.

Tosca and Dogma

We had a fun time at the Metropolitan Opera last night watching Tosca, one of my favorite operas. The performances were marvelous and the sets were distinctive, if a little austere, a pretty radical departure from the heyday of Franco Zefferelli's extravagant productions (e.g., La Boheme). And Polina looked rather dashing in their new clothes - I commented that they looked like a younger and smaller version of the person I used to be, which is no surprise since I picked out the clothes.

We had box seats at the Dress Circle level, which is one level lower than when we saw Carmen, but the view was not quite as good because last time we were more in the corner of the hall with a more direct line of sight to the stage. Plus it was a little tighter in the box for tall people like me, although it's always nice to have space around you to put your purse and coat. Next time I'll know better which seats to get.

**SPOILER ALERT!** For those of you who have seen Tosca, there was a story my dad used to tell me about a diva who played Floria Tosca in a performance where at the end she was to jump down onto an offstage platform from the tower where she meets her death. The diva was a heavy woman, and when it came time to perform the dramatic leap, she simply turned around and refused to jump. Now that is playing a diva like a boss.


Anyway, after the opera when we were waiting for the subway there was a saxaphone player playing "E lucevan le stelle" ("And the stars shone") so we dropped a dollar in his case. When we got home it was about 11:30 pm, and Polina was showing me an article about athiests, which sparked a desire to watch Kevin Smith's riotous parody on religion Dogma. So that kept us up until about 2 am, but fortunately because of snow and ice, the office opened an hour later this morning so I could take a later train.

Ski, sauna, spa and shibari

Thursday night, and I'm finally winding down for all the activity from my week off work. Let's recap the highlights.

Sunday night Polina came over and we went across the street to Famous Dave's Barbecue for dinner. We had a good talk about the three topics that were bothering me, namely the proliferation of metamours, the encroachment of our week together from other things, and our second talk about money. It was a good discussion, and also a good affirmation of our relationship and where we stand in each other's lives.

Monday we headed down to Brooklyn so she could visit her dentist to fix a filling that had come loose. From there we went to her home in Staten Island so we could water the plants, do some cleaning, eat dinner and pick up more clothes for later in the week. We dressed up nicely for Poly Cocktails - her in a smart striped vest, necktie and pants, and me in a sparkly black top, leggings and a short grey wool skirt that didn't fit me three months ago until I'd lost weight.

At Poly Cocktails Polina went and had fun while I had meeting after meeting with my Open Love NY committee members, planning February's meeting, getting several fires put out and smoothing ruffled feathers that made one member on the verge of resigning. I did get to spend a little time talking one-on-one with Phrannie, Jill and especially Kerry, who rarely comes out to poly events these days, so it was wonderful to see her. We got home about 12:3o am, so we only got about four hours of sleep until the next morning, when we woke at 6:30 am to go skiing.

We picked up the Volvo ZipCar from the garage one block away, the silver chariot of justice as we call it (a Twilight reference) and drove out to Camelback Mountain in Pennsylvania. It's a relatively small mountain, so the trails are pretty easy. The highlight of the day was when Polina broke one of her skis, probably when she tackled some scoops alongside one of the trails and had a wipeout. Luckily, they didn't make us pay for it, and we just got a replacement. We left early because Polina had taken quite a beating on the slopes, so we stopped at an outlet mall to do a little improptu shopping and had dinner at LongHorn Steakhouse, one of our favorite restaurants, where we had a couple of exceptional steaks before driving back home.

We dropped our things and took the subway downtown to Wall Street Bath and Spa, a Russian bathhouse for my first such experience. We sat in the Russian Sauna, which was kept at 245 degrees, and watched guys get platza, a theraputic flogging with branches of oak leaves soaked in hot water. Unfortunately, the platza guy was all booked up, or else Polina would have gotten one.

We also sat in the Dutch-style sauna, which was a little cooler and had water available in buckets to splash or dunk on you to cool off. There was also a cold plunge pool, just large enough for one person about five feet deep and filled with ice-cold water. This is where you dunked yourself after you got really hot in one of the saunas, and it is a pretty shocking experience! I preferred the Turkish steam room, which is a wet steam heat. We also swam in the very ornate pool and took a dip in the jacuzzi to massage our ski-weary muscles. Afterward we ordered some chicken dumplings with sour cream and a pitcher of tea before showering and trudging home in the falling snow.

Wednesday we visited the American version of the spa by going to Spa Merge 10 blocks north of the apartment. We each got a three-and-a-half hour package that included a facial, a full body aromatherapy massage, and a manicure/pedicure. Other than a few minor service gaffes, the experience was lovely, and I especially enjoyed the facial by my esthetician Hiroko.

After the spa, we came home and were preparing to go to Dance Manhattan for Polina's Argentine tango class that she attends with one of her ex's, Louis, and afterwards to a TES event on basic Japanese rope bondage (shibari). We didn't have any rope, so it turned out that Dave was going to go to the same event and he was going to lend us some rope to play with. This set off another very difficult conversation about relationship boundaries and metamours, but we managed to resolve it and headed to the dance class. I just sat and watched, and it was the first time I'd ever been in a dance studio watching someone teach dance. It was fascinating to see the movement and instruction going on.

At the TES class, it turned out that the instructor brought plenty of jute, or Japanese hemp rope made from natural grass fiber, so it wasn't necessary to borrow Dave's rope, but he did sit behind us in the class. We learned the basics of rope bondage, like safety tips, types of rope, and basic ties like the Somerville Bowline, which Polina and I practiced on each other. We also did a Takate kote, or box tie on each other, which is where the arms are tied behind the back and double strands of rope run across the chest above and below the breasts. It was actually quite a lot of fun - somewhat like the art of origami that I enjoy.

Afterward we went to Dafni Greek Taverna, Polina's first visit to a Greek restaurant, for a late supper before going home and finishing up Season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Today we really slept in until almost 1 pm, then got up for some breakfast I picked up from Financier Patisserie across the street. We started in on Season 3 of Buffy before she had to leave to meet Dave and take him home to Staten Island.

A few hours later I met up with Agnieszka, who came into the city to catch up with me. We entered the lottery for the Broadway rock opera American Idiot, and of course, I was the second name drawn. Agnieszka's name was drawn fifth, but we didn't need to use her entry since I'd already won. My record on drawings is now 6-for-8, and with tonight's win, there's no show I've entered that I haven't eventually won.

We had a quick dinner at a nearby Turkish restaurant and then took our front row center seats ($27 each) for the show. Billie Joe Armstrong, the lead singer of Green Day, was supposed to play St. Jimmy in this performance, but it was an understudy instead, so that was disappointing. The show was a fiery, kinetic extravaganza of punk rock indulgence, but ultimately there wasn't a very coherent storyline. I also caught a little bit of spit from one of the singers from being too close to the stage - it would have been nice to be in the second row for this one. Agnieszka, on the other hand, caught a guitar pick that was tossed down to her by one of the three leads in the finale.

So that's been my week so far. A lot of fun stuff, and a lot of firsts. Lots of time-spending with Polina and good relationship talks. Thankfully I have the next three days by myself to get caught up on Open Love NY stuff, laundry and cleaning up the apartment before work starts again on Monday.

Angel ornament for 2010

So, now that I'm feeling better, it's time to tie up one last loose end from 2010 before anything major happens in 2011; namely, the issue of the Christmas ornament.

As I've said before, I wanted this ornament to represent Bonnie, and my previous ideas have really not panned out the way she deserves. So I had in my refrigerator the bottle of champagne that she brought the first time she came to visit me at my apartment in New Jersey. I thought it very appropriate that a year and a day later, that champagne was finally consumed at Polina's New Year's Day party.

When I opened the bottle, I did so with extra care, thinking back on all the wonderful memories of early 2010 when I was falling for Bonnie, and somehow the bottle itself seemed to take on a great deal of meaning. After all, other than her extraordinary birthday gift, a hand-illustrated scrapbook of our time together, it's one of the very few tangible things I have that she's given me.

So it occurred to me that I should make the Christmas ornament out of the parts of the bottle itself, namely the cork, foil wrapper and wire basket. And since my tree is predominantly decorated with angels, why not make an angel? Most of my angels come from the Metropolitan Museum's collection, which I buy every year, but there's also the handmade paper angel made in Buenos Aires that Polina picked out in 2008 while we were shopping at the Holiday Market in Union Square. That was the year before she went to Argentina, of course.

To make my 2010 angel, first I fashioned the halo by cutting and twisting the wire that holds the cork on the bottle. Then I cut out the wings from the foil wrap around the bottleneck using the pinking shears I got for scrapbooking to simulate feathers. I used leftover strips of the foil to gild the halo to match the gold color of the wings. I also glued the wine label to the back of the wings, so I'll remember the vintage.

I borrowed the tiny Santa hat and a golden hanging thread from the penguin ornament I bought to complete the ornament, and assembled the whole thing with a single pushpin. Here's what it looks like:



What I like about this ornament is that it reflects the creativity and effort that she put into the scrapbook she gave me, still the most overwhelming birthday gift I've ever received, or am likely to receive.

And that's the great thing about the way I love someone - even if they are not around, I can still be inspired by my feelings for them. The holidays, gift-giving, the people I love - they inspire some of my best creative work.

I think about the handmade book of marriage vows I gave to my ex as a wedding present - bound with a leather spine, gold leaf lettering and hand-marbled endpapers, and die cut pages that revealed a golden wax seal of a cherub inside. That book took almost a year of planning (which is how long we were engaged), buying materials, finding the right bookbindery and die cutter, designing the pages with artwork, finding the right handmade paper, etc. etc.

I think of the puppet videos I used to make for Christmas with my stuffed animals hosting their own movie awards shows, interspersed with clips of some of my favorite movie lines. A Christmas video I made on my old iMac of one of M's first Christmases. More recently, I think of music mixes I've made for Tara, Bee, Polina, Linda and Lori, and the associated designs that went into their packaging. I'm no artist, but I am a creative person that just needs an excuse to flex those muscles.

I do miss Bonnie. I think about her a lot, obviously. I miss the days when we texted back and forth every day, when she would distract me at work, when we couldn't imagine our lives without each other. I miss showering her with affection, and being so close that molecules of air would bounce off her, getting caught in my hair to be carried away when we part ... and invisible moisture that escapes with her exhaling breaths would splash on my skin like a million microscopic kisses.

I know that we'll never share those feelings again, but goddess, it was fun while it lasted. And that - more than anything - is what I want to honor and remember with this 2010 Christmas ornament.

Skiing Christmas

On a slow train this morning, as it’s been ever since the Blizzard of 2010. So I’ll spend a little time recapping my Christmas holiday weekend.

Wednesday night Polina and I met at the apartment after I got back from work and she got back from Dark’s and we went to a Cuban restaurant on 46th. They had live music playing, and people were dancing as we walked in. It was a nice atmosphere, but the food was only so-so. Can’t compete with that braised beef at our Carrabba’s near Stony Brook. On our way out we joined the dancers for a few beats until it got so crowded that I was bumping into people.

Thursday we had to get me some ski pants because I stupidly left mine in Yoshi in Princeton. I remembered to get my gloves and goggles, but I didn’t realize that there’s a tub in there with all my heavy winter clothes, including the North Face snowboard pants I bought last year and haven’t ever used. So we went to Sports Authority on 20th to get those on our way back to the Staten Island Ferry Terminal, where we met up with Katie and hung out with her all afternoon at Polina’s house.

Friday morning we got up at 6:30 to head out to Mountain Top, PA, home of Natasha and Pavel, whom we visited over Labor Day weekend. Along the way we stopped at a grocery store and then the car wouldn’t start, so we had to get a jump from someone. So we got there a bit later than we planned, but we still skied the afternoon session at Elk Mountain. It’s a small mountain, so we spent a lot of time on the lifts, but the trails were nicely groomed, there was lots of powder and very few skiers over Christmas.

Saturday morning we intended to ski just the morning, but we woke up to find that one of our tires went flat overnight, so that took time to inflate. So we got there late and just skied the full day. I went on my first black diamond trail, but it wasn’t that hard because I went really slowly (unlike Polina and her dad, who whizzed ahead of me). It’s just not that enjoyable for me to have to stop after a couple of turns and basically ride my edges down a slope. The blues at Elk were perfect for me – good speed and a few gentle turns. The last thing I need right now is to get hurt and have to miss work or jeopardize plans with Polina in January.

Sunday Polina stayed home while her parents and I skied the morning session and returned the equipment. We had some good bonding time on the lifts, where her dad and I talked about their family history and all sorts of things. It’s nice just calling them “mom” and “dad” in everyday life – more personal, less formal. I just think of them as family now.

After we were done skiing, we went to Pep Boys to get the tire fixed, which took hours because it was the first day open after the holiday. So we ended up leaving quite late, about 5:30, as the snow was really starting to come down. The ride home was harrowing, but we made it back to Times Square about 10 pm. Polina and I suggested that everyone stay there with us, but the parents wanted to get home. They didn’t get back to Staten Island until about 1:30 am, and then had to dig out their front door to get into the house.

I had lots of fun this Christmas, a very different kind of Christmas than I’m used to. I used to go skiing over Christmas back in my old life, but not for the last decade or so. Christmas with my NJ family was a very traditional, home-bound affair with lots of presents and a decorated tree. The only thing I didn’t do this year that I’ve done in years past is visit the Angel Tree at the Metropolitan Museum. I think I’ll do that on Friday before going to Staten Island for the New Year’s party, since I’m off the whole day.

2010 in review

So here we are again at the end of the year, or near enough anyway, and it’s time to look back and reflect on how my life has changed. Normally I do this closer to Jan. 1, but since I've been blessed with a snow day to work at home today and I'll be at Polina's house most of this three-day weekend, I thought I'd get it done early this year.

So after a relatively quiet 2009 when I was out of work for most of the year and building my relationship with Polina, this year has been full of the highest highs and the lowest lows since my transition period. Obviously the person most responsible for both of these was Bonnie.

Funny how when I was with my family in NJ, New Year’s Eve was never a big deal for us because we didn’t celebrate the secular/solar new year. But now, because of Polina’s annual fete(which I’ve come to look forward to every year) and the fact that I consider New Year’s Eve the start of my adventures with Bonnie, it’s no longer a day of disinterest for me, since everybody knows how I am with anniversaries.

I say that New Year’s Eve is the beginning because it’s the first time Bonnie and I spent time together alone, after meeting at the Poly Women’s Group, getting to know more about each other via email and then attending her family Christmas party with Polina. We were still quite platonic on New Year's Eve, but it was the start of being intimate in a poly way, cuddling for warmth, watching Firefly episodes and calling our significant others (who were both out-of-state that night) to wish them a Happy New Year as we watched the ball drop on TV.

Bonnie added passion and intensity to my life the way that Tara used to, and from that standpoint, she embodied everything that I was craving in a new relationship. She also provided a necessary balance that fundamentally changed my relationship with Polina and allowed it to flourish in ways I could have scarcely hoped it would at this time last year. For that reason alone, I can only be profoundly grateful for Bonnie’s all-too-brief presence in my life.

As for my year with Polina, it has been nothing but positive as we continue to build a relationship that meets both our needs. We celebrated our second anniversary in October with an exchange of presents and cards out in Stony Brook over some delicious pumpkin ale and a wonderful meal. My move into Manhattan in March made it more convenient at the time to see both my loves, and by now in Polina’s case, we’ve started thinking of this apartment more and more as ours instead of just mine.

The biggest change in our relationship is how we’ve managed to get more of her extended family to be comfortable with us being together and making the holidays better for everyone. Polina’s extended tribe may not understand the poly or even know about the kink stuff, but anyone can see that we love each other and it would be wrong to deny it. And that’s how she gives me a big part of what I need – a sense of family, of belonging, and getting to know the people who are important to the people I love.

We also continue to get more comfortable just sharing space for extended periods of time. Over Christmas holidays, we spent five consecutive nights together here, at her house in Staten Island, and in Mountain Top, PA, skiing with her family. In 2010, we've spent Labor Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family and close family friends, and we’ll spend New Year’s weekend and a wedding in late January with many of them too. What a big difference from last year when I was not invited to accompany them to Baltimore for Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve, or the year before when taking me as her date to her sister’s wedding raised a few eyebrows.

Another big development this year was the growth of Open Love NY, and my role as the president. I never wanted to take this job, but it was either that or watch it fail after all the work I've put into it. By most accounts, I’ve done a fair job in the first 10 months, building the membership up from nothing to over 200.

As I look back on 2010, I’ll also remember seeing Carmen at the Metropolitan Opera, our impromptu trip to Albany, my first touristy visit to the nation’s capital, the start of my new life in the middle of Manhattan, and my first full calendar year of working that I didn’t miss a significant amount of time due to surgery, layoffs or quitting to transition since 2005. I went back to my hometown Houston for the first time since leaving four and a half years ago, and went with Polina to see Porcupine Tree at Radio City Music Hall and Poly Living 2010 in Fort Washington, PA, where I finally met Danielle, one of my oldest online friends.

What will 2011 bring for me? The New Year is approaching more quietly than in years past, so whatever it will be, I’m sure to be surprised. Wherever my path leads, I am excited to take the journey, and I thank you, as always, for reading and coming along for the ride.

Haircut

Here's a proper challenge for my singular talent at winning ticket lotteries - How to get tickets to Saturday Night Live. Someone remind me to do this next August.

I love my new haircut - it's now all one length, and falls to just below my collarbone in front and curves to frame my face. It looks much neater and more professional than the long uneven ends I used to have. The stylist took off about 3-4 inches from the longest part in the back. Since my hair grows so slowly, it's the first major cut I've had in length since 2005.

It feels so different too when I brush through it. Since it's all one length now, the resistance of the comb or brush builds as I get to the end and then poof! it's gone as the ends slide through. So much different from the gradually diminishing resistance I'm used to with my long tapered cut. It makes my hair feel thicker, which is nice.

Had kind of a difficult talk last night with Polina. She's ready for this semester to end. I was trying to give her a pep talk for her last final today, but I think it came off sounding like a lecture. It's hard to find that balance between being a cheerleader and being a nag. Sometimes we all just need to be told everything's going to be ok.

I've also been trying to reconnect with Lori - we've been swapping messages the last few days. I miss having a biffle, and I should be mindful of keeping those connections active.

Taylor Swift

I’m rather ashamed to admit it, but I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift’s new album a lot lately. It’s so cotton candy fluff, it makes my teeth hurt. But it’s also carefully designed to speak to the inner girl in all her fans. I actually only got the album because I was a few dollars short of a free shipping credit from Amazon when I bought my most recent Y: The Last Man book online.

Speak Now is almost an exact reproduction of the successful formula she established with her last album Fearless, which has sold nearly 10 million copies worldwide and won two Grammys. Both opening tracks (“Fearless” and “Mine”) speak of a perfect love. Both closing tracks (“Change” and “Long Live”) are new generation anthems.

Both have childhood songs (“The Best Day” and “Never Grow Up”); fantasy love songs (“Love Story” and “Enchanted”); songs about longing (“You Belong with Me” and “Speak Now”); reminiscing about lost love (“The Way I Loved You” to “Back to December”); and plenty of breakup songs (“You’re Not Sorry” to “Dear John”, “White Horse” to “The Story of Us” and “Forever & Always” to “Last Kiss”).

Anyway, tonight is the first (hopefully) annual Open Love NY holiday party. We’ve come a long way as an organization since Polina and I planned her 19th birthday party together as the first OLNY public event. I wish she could be here tonight to be a part of it – she deserves as much credit as anyone for getting this train out of the station. Tonight I’m wearing the pendant she gave me for our anniversary, just so I’ll remember that.

Losing weight

It's chicken parmigiana day here at the office, which is hard to resist, but not impossible. It's the second week of eating healthy, and I'm definitely noticing the results. It's helpful that Polina is doing it with me, so we can support each other and swap cooking tips.

I always felt like my problem is not losing weight, but keeping it off. But I also recognize that my life over the last two years has been so chaotic that I haven't been able to focus on healthy eating, which leads to shortcuts like eating too much takeout and junk food.

It's also not helpful that Nearing provides tasty hot entrees, soups and desserts at work that are not always very healthy. It's like eating out every day for lunch already. Thankfully, they also provide healthy salads, sandwiches and fruits too - it's only a matter of choosing them over the other stuff.

Even after just my first week, I've noticed a difference in my waistline just by cutting out carbs and fat. I've also noticed a reduced craving and appetite for food, and I've come to realize that a lot of times I eat not because I'm truly hungry, but just because it's mealtime, or I'm bored, or I have food cravings. So by taking away food cravings and putting stricter rules about what I allow myself to eat, I'm drastically reducing the number of calories I consume per day. I also mistake thirst for hunger a lot too, so I've been drinking a lot more water at home than I did before.

Another plus is getting back into the habit of cooking food, which I used to do regularly when my family spent Saturday nights over at my place for dinner, playing cards and watching movies. Without that regular interaction, I got lazy with the cooking. I've only hosted one dinner at my current apartment (the True Blood marathon this past summer) which is too small for anything more than four people (and they'd better be cozy with each other). But this past week I made a grilled chicken breast with artichoke hearts in a balsamic vinegar sauce, a Chinese chicken stir-fry and fried tofu with hot bean sauce and pickled bamboo shoots. So I'm going to try and keep inventing new things as I go along.

I think more and more that I must be a submissive personality at heart. I like having the boundaries on food and feeling in control of what I'm eating because I'm following rules. I suppose the people who know me best would say I show similar patterns in other aspects of my life. I think I've always thrived with structure rather than chaos. I like routine, to a point. I don't know if it's a reaction to the maelstrom my life has been in the past six years, or if I've always been this way. If I was always this way, I don't see how I would be the person I am today because my old life had a lot more structure in it than this life ever will.

The New World

I watched Terrence Malik's The New World today, starring Colin Ferrell, Christian Bale and Christopher Plummer, about Pochahontas and Captain John Smith. It was certainly one of the most unusual movies I've ever seen.

The film, as the entry describes, is shot almost entirely with natural light. To modern audiences, this small thing itself is a revelation. We're so used to artificial light in the movies (or even digitally created CGI lighting) that to watch an entire movie that shows the different quality of light on sunny, cloudy, rainy days; candlelight inside wood cabins - it's visually stunning to behold.

The description on IMDB pretty much says it all - this is a long, plodding, sometimes boring movie. I started it last night and finished it this morning because it was putting me to sleep in the middle. But, it did make me think a lot about how a lot of people, including me, who live in cities, get their food from supermarkets and rarely walk barefoot through fields of grass have lost an essential contact with nature.

This movie reminded me that there is much humanity that we put ourselves in danger of losing when we distance ourselves from the natural world.

Staten Island home theater

For the past couple weeks, Polina and I have been talking about installing a home theater in her parents' house in Staten Island, ever since I determined that I couldn't install my projector in my own apartment. I hate having all that stuff go to waste, so she got permission for me to install it there, and this weekend I got it done, since she came home to celebrate her 20th birthday.

This is my fourth front-projection theater install that I've done (my parents, my ex's parents and my old office in Houston are the others) and one of dozens of theaters I've assembled for myself and friends, coworkers, bosses and relatives throughout the years. So that experience helped me get the job done quickly.

Since I already had my Panasonic 720p HD projector, Luma pull-down screen, Polk center channel speaker and 25-foot video cables, the expensive stuff was already paid for. Over the past week I have been shopping online for deals, and I got a terrific one in Crutchfield's scratch and dent section on an Onkyo TX-SR308 receiver for $186 and free shipping. I also got a fantastic deal on an LG BD-570 Blu-Ray player with wi-fi for $160 at hhgregg near my office.

I also found a Final S95 powered subwoofer from Outlaw Audio for $89 and free shipping. Then Friday, I stopped at Best Buy on the way to SI to buy a pair of Polk TSi100 bookshelf speakers for $200 to finish the front sound wall. I opted not to install rear speakers because it probably would have overwhelmed the 'rents.

My first step was to install the projector on the ceiling over the sofa on the far wall, and I used a plastic cable cover the hide the wires along the ceiling. Then I used tiny plastic brackets and nails to snake the long video cables along the ceiling above the fireplace and down to the equipment on the floor:


Next I unpacked all the sound equipment and ran the speaker wires to the Polks and hooked up the Blu-Ray player and subwoofer. Then I tried to hang the screen, but found out I needed a larger wood screw that I didn't have. So when everyone got home about 11 p.m., that was the only thing incomplete. So we hung up a bedsheet as a makeshift screen to demonstrate the projector.

The next morning, I went to a nearby hardware store to get the screw, and finished hanging the screen. So here's what it looks like:





On Saturday people started arriving in the late afternoon for Polina's birthday party, mostly friends from school, plus Ryan, Anna, Dakotah, Panda and Patrick.


Her mom made a carrot cake for the birthday cake, and they did actually have 20 candles on it.




We played games like Apples to Apples, What? and Mafia, and after some people had to leave, Polina's parents joined up to watch my Blu-Ray copy of Disney's Beauty and the Beast on the home theater, which was lovely.

The next day was spent chilling with Brett, Polina's friend and the only person who stayed over Saturday night. We played a couple games of Blokus with her dad, and after Brett left, I worked on the theater some more, hooking up their cable box and Sony Playstation while Polina did homework. In the evening her grandparents came over for a family birthday celebration and to watch Russian television on the projector. After dinner I went home and Polina's parents took her back to school.

It was a lovely birthday celebration, a bit quieter than years past, but still the same spirit as past parties. I'm happy that my theater equipment has a new home where I can visit it, instead of sitting dormant and unused in boxes.

Time Flies

This is the video that played on the giant screen at the Porcupine Tree concert at Radio City Music Hall. I think it stands up quite well as a short film on its own.

It is high-resolution, so you might need to pause and let the whole video download before you play it. The full 12-minute long version may be released at a future date.

PORCUPINE TREE - TIME FLIES - HD VERSION from GRANT WAKEFIELD on Vimeo.

HvZ at SBU

I am following a group of about 25 college students on a windy, chilly night as they make their way across the Stony Brook University campus, heavily armed with sock grenades, Nerf pistols, blowguns and automatic rifles that shoot rubber tipped darts using compressed air. Suddenly the cries ring out – “ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES!” – as a large group of 50 to 60 zombies appear from the shadows and spot the rear guard of the humans. Ten seconds later, the zombies attack – charging on the dead run as the rapid-fire clicking of plastic unleashes a hail of foam darts which stop the first wave of zombies in their tracks. But wave after wave they just keep coming, eventually breaking through the human firing lines to tag their hapless victims, turning them into zombies and switching allegiances in this eight-day war. With their backs against the school library, the remaining humans make a valiant stand before they are eventually wiped out and assimilated into zombieland.



That was highlight of my weekend of adventures that started with an Open Love NY camp-out (which was really more of a camp-in because it was at someone’s five-bedroom vacation house in New Caanan, CT). I drove Yoshi from Princeton after work on Friday and picked up an OLNY newbie named Glenn at my apartment before heading out there. We watched movies and the Yankees game, played games, ordered pizza and I made spaghetti and sauce for everyone (which people seemed to enjoy). We built a fire in the fireplace and people recited poetry and told stories as if we were around a campfire.

In the morning, I led a grocery shopping trip with Leon and his companion Ardella and Bill to get supplies for the remainder of the weekend. After those were put away, I played a game of chess with Ardella (the first time in years for of us) and eventually I prevailed by checkmate.

Then I left to drive to Bridgeport and board the ferry, arriving at the landing only three minutes before departure – damn, that was close! The 75-minute ferry ride across Long Island Sound was pretty rough since the wind was blowing so hard, but it was fun watching the curl of white foam on the waves. I also enjoyed watching seagulls trying to break open shellfish by picking them up and dropping them on the rocks over and over as we arrived in Port Jefferson on Long Island.



It was a quick drive to Stony Brook to meet up with Polina, and we went to Target to buy and exchange some clothes. I found a pair of work-appropriate jeans, i.e. ones that weren’t pre-ripped. Polina also found some cargo pants and jeans in the men’s section. Then we went to the drugstore and to John Harvard’s Brew House for our anniversary dinner, where we exchanged cards and gifts and shared a glass of delicious pumpkin ale. We talked about our relationship and how much we are enjoying each other, and our hopes and ideas for the future.

We came back to campus and went out at 9 pm so she could assume her role as moderator of the Humans vs. Zombies game that started last Thursday and runs for eight days, and involves over 1,000 student players. We attended a briefing for the human army (about 50-60 people) before they split up into three groups to try and accomplish their mission.



Polina took on the role of an engineer and unfortunately got killed at the library, reverting back to being just a moderator.



Fortunately for the humans, one of their other groups managed to succeed in their mission at the Javits building by hiding their engineers in the bushes while the rest of the human force held off a large zombie mob in the open plaza. I know it sounds really dorky, but being out in the night and seeing a zombie army charge screaming “BRAINS!!” is actually kind of cool to watch.



The next day I went with Polina to a moderator meeting where they talked about how things went poorly the previous night and how to balance the game a little better, since the humans are losing badly and they weren’t even at the halfway point yet. Afterwards Polina made us some lunch before going out again for a Humans vs. Humans mission in the daytime. For this mission, two teams of humans battled each other to obtain a zombie cure, which could be used to convert some of the zombies back to human.



After that was done, we went out to dinner at Carraba’s and sat at the kitchen counter to watch people cook while we ate, then got some groceries before I dropped her off to go home.

Supremely single

I was reading in today’s USA Today a letter from a reader commenting about a story that appeared last week about the personal backgrounds of the U.S. Supreme Court justices. The letter reads:

“I was dismayed, however, that it described both Justices Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor with ‘Family: Unmarried.’ Women and men do not need to be defined by what they are not. They are single. Period. The single vocation is valid on its own terms.”

Interestingly, the author of this letter was writing from Wiesbaden, Germany.

This comment really got me thinking about how ingrained the institution of marriage is in this country, that a newspaper as high-profile and cosmopolitan as USA Today could define anyone’s family as “unmarried.” Note that the category is not martial status, but “family.” As if parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, children out of wedlock, adopted children, nieces, nephews and cousins don’t count as “family.” No, in order to have a family, you must be married first, according to USA Today.

It would be particularly galling for those GLBT people who are currently not allowed to be married to be referred to in this way. To be described as “Unmarried” when one does not have that legal option is like an unjust accusation and conviction.

And the letter’s author brings up an excellent point that we should not be defined by what we are not. It’s just like I’d rather say I’m in an open relationship rather than saying a non-monogamous relationship. It takes away the presumed expectation that you’re not there yet, but someday you hope to be.

And of course that kind of language also presumes that everyone’s goal in life is to be married. Clearly, if you want to become a Supreme Court justice, it’s expected of you.

Life in the fast lane

When I first moved here from Houston, Tara warned me about adjusting to the pace of life in the northeast. It didn’t take me very long to get acclimated.

In most parts of the South, it’s unheard of to walk on the escalators. Here’s it’s fairly common practice, especially in commuter areas. When I used to work in Midtown, I would go through the Lexington/53rd metro station every day, which has a very long escalator. Riding it took you a full 45-60 seconds; walking cut that to maybe 10-15 seconds. And every day, people would walk up or down on the left, while riders stood to the right.

This morning I was heading to a short escalator into Penn Station when two women merged right in front of me and stood side-by-side to ride down. I said “excuse me” and they looked at me like I had two heads. The woman on the left grudgingly slid halfway, and I pushed past her, bumping her with my backpack. As I reached the bottom one of them called out, “you could have taken the stairs easily!” I didn’t respond because there’s no point in engaging with imbeciles when I’m late for my train, but I also didn’t want to be cast as the rude New Yorker, although sometimes I am.

But honestly, I didn’t expect them to block the escalator like that, and even if I did, I still wouldn’t have taken the stairs. Unless you’re an invalid, there’s no reason you can’t walk down an escalator. And keeping people from doing so, especially going into a train station when seconds could mean the difference between catching and missing a train, is incredibly rude to me.

Living in Times Square as I do, several things are starting to really irritate me on the days I choose to walk along Seventh Avenue. People walking slowly while looking at their phones, stopping to take pictures in the middle of the sidewalk with no warning. People who gesture with their arms in crowds pointing at this or that – more than once I’ve had to push somebody’s arm down to walk past them. Guys that stand with signs at the corners advertising comedy shows or happy hours and forcing me to duck under them. People who sit on my stoop to smoke cigarettes and block me from walking into my front door. The list goes on and on.

Don’t get me wrong, I still like where I live. It’s very convenient, and sometimes I do like to feel the energy of the crowd when I’m not in a hurry for something. Walking in New York is like a carefully choreographed dance of near-misses. People walk by you as if the game is to lightly brush your clothes without actually bumping with the body parts under them. This is something I’ve routinely come to accept as a part of life here. But this morning’s escalator-blocking incident just riled me because it was an instance when the non-natives or the just plain stupid natives (whichever they were) don’t respect the pace of the city I live in.

On another note, I bought my copy of Beauty and the Beast today, my first Blu-Ray disc (which is included in the DVD because it doesn’t come any other way). I’ve been thinking about installing my projector (finally) and talked to my building superintendent to borrow the ladder. I already bought all the necessary hardware to install it, so it’s kind of wasteful not to go ahead and do it.

That will mean I might go ahead and buy a Sony Playstation 3 for its Blu-Ray capabilities. So maybe I’ll take some days off soon and devote myself to that project. I wouldn’t really want to use my projector on an everyday basis because from the playpen the picture would be too close and too big, like sitting in the front section of the theater. But it would be cool to have for parties to play movies or games in high-definition, if I ever chose to have people over for dinner again.

P-Tree, RenFaire and Shopping

This is post #300 in this blog. Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! :)

It's been a super-busy three-day weekend, since I took Friday off work to pick up Polina from school and take her back to Manhattan to see Porcupine Tree in concert. I had reserved a ZipCar, just a basic Nissan Sentra, but ZipCar called me the night before and said that the car required service, so they offered me a free upgrade to a Volvo S40 sedan in silver. It was a nice perk since it was brandy-new with less than 4,000 miles on it, and had a sunroof, leather power seats and a nice stereo with iPod connections. Plus, it was just too cool driving a car so similar to Edward Cullen's Volvo S60R from the Twilight series.

The concert was a terrific event, and undoubtedly the best of the three concerts I've seen from the band, although I was a little disappointed not to hear Halo and What Happens Now?, which are two of my favorite songs. But the visual effects were so much more impactful, with a huge projection screen put to excellent use on several songs, notably Time Flies (my favorite from their newest album, The Incident). Also, it was the first time for both of us in Radio City Music Hall, which is the largest venue they've ever played in New York - what a beautiful art-deco palace it is! Best of all, RCMH is only three blocks from my apartment, which was very convenient.



Between the second and third sets we went down to the lobby to buy souveniers and meet up with the band's agent, Joshua, whom I met through my friend Jennifer at work. We met him and his boss and chatted about the band for a while before returning to our seats. After the concert, we picked up some banana pudding and steamed milk from Magnolia Bakery in Rockefeller Center on the way home, where we took turns reading our C.S. Lewis book in the upgraded playpen before bed.

Here's the set list for the P-Tree show, in case there are any die-hard fans reading:

First Set (Semi-Acoustic)
Stranger By The Minute, Small Fish, Pure Narcotic, Black Dahlia, Futile

Second Set
Even Less: Full version, Open Car, Lazarus, Tinto Brass, The Sky Moves Sideways (Phase One), I Drive the Hearse, Bonnie the Cat

Third Set
Occam's Razor, The Blind House, Great Expectations, Kneel and Disconnect, Drawing the Line, Dislocated Day, Time Flies, Anesthetize: Part 2: "The Pills I'm Taking", Up the Downstair, Sleep Together

Encore
Arriving Somewhere But Not Here



Saturday morning Polina woke up early to catch a train back to school and I took a bus up to Tuxedo, NY for the New York Renaissance Festival, my third time at this event as well. I got my hair braided, which makes me look so different from the front - I really didn't like what I look like with my hair all slicked down, but it was pretty from behind.

Unlike past RenFaires, I spent most of this one shopping for stuff, and my friends were a big help in choosing clothes. I got a full-length burgundy overskirt with lace-up sides, and a black satin underskirt with a subtle star pattern. I also got a cream silk wench top with princess sleeves and a subtle stripe pattern in the weave.

I found a nice pleated purple skirt for Polina to match with her corset, and most importantly, I found a new amulet for the new year, which I will charge on Samhaim next month.

Today I continued the clothes buying spree with a trip to Loehmann's, since September I get my birthday discount (even though I celebrate my birthday in July). I spent a few hours at the flagship store on Seventh Avenue at 16th Street, and a lot of time in the communal dressing room choosing things. In total, I bought seven skirts, a dress, four tops, a pair of pants and earrings - practically an entire wardrobe heavy on skirts, which I've decided I should wear more of, especially in the winter when I can wear tights.

Afterwards, I went to Chinatown to pick up some groceries and went home to wash all my new clothes and sort through my closets to make room for all the new stuff by taking out the old things that aren't getting worn for any number of reasons. Those have all gotten bagged up and shoved in a corner behind the couch.

Now off to bed, and another busy week coming up. Goodnight.

Living space

Back after a long hiatus, where my life has changed so much in nine months. Time for a fresh start here.

For those of you who haven't visited me and don't know firsthand, my living room is rather unorthodox. Coming from a larger apartment in New Jersey to my smaller apartment in Times Square back in March, and with bland, cookie-cutter furniture that I bought as a set in a furnished apartment after the fire of 2007, my stuff isn't what I'd call ideal for my present living space.

Specifically, my queen-sized bed pretty much takes up the entire bedroom floorspace without room for a nightstand, although I manage by using a windowsill to hold my alarm clock and a lamp. Plus, there's enough room for a slim bookcase and my DVD cabinet, which is getting full to the bursting. I might have to start shedding plastic cases soon. But there's not much that can be done about that because I'm not giving up my $3,000 bed, and I do have the occasional sleepover guest, which precludes a smaller bed anyway.

In the living room it's too tight to place my sofa and loveseat in the conventional "L" formation, so I've mashed them up against each other to form a bed-like cuddle space, with the padded arms and backs forming little walls around the perimeter, and an entryway at the far end where the sofa protrudes. This makes it nice to lay down to watch TV and movies, and if I want to sit up, I usually sit at my desk, although that's way over to the side.

The problem is that my sofa is wearing out and tends to suck you into the seam where the back meets the seat. It's also been damaged by various, um, physical activities performed on it over the past couple years, but it's still in one piece. But this playpen arrangement is not very comfortable because the front edges of the sofa and loveseat form an annoying ridge in the middle, which can be uncomfortable over time.

I played with the idea of throwing the sofa away and moving the loveseat (which is in better shape) to its position, then buying an overstuffed chair to face it. That would have created floor space for an ottoman or a coffee table, and made it possible to someday get a Nintendo Wii or PS3 Move and have space to play games. But I'd lose the cuddle space entirely, and the ability to lay down to watch movies, which I'd grown accustomed to. It would have also cost quite a bit of money and required me to get help to move the sofa out.

So instead I decided to improve the cuddle space with a cheap and easy fix. I bought a twin-sized memory foam mattress topper, four inches thick, for $88 at Wal-Mart. I cut out the box and tail shape to fit the playpen using a utility knife, and used the extra material in the seams around the outer sides, since those are getting lower. Then I put the couch cushions on top of the memory foam, and covered with the comforter as usual.

I also addressed the problem of drift (the two halves moving away from each other) by putting a non-skid carpet pad under the rug that the playpen sits on. The fact that there's a single piece of foam under the cushions should also alleviate this problem.

So here's what it looks like:



I tried it out last night and oh, what a difference! The seam in the middle is now pretty much gone, and the whole area feels like a single space instead of two areas joined together, and like a soft mattress instead of a lumpy old couch. It's heavenly. I love being a DIY'er.

I can't wait to try it out with Polina tonight after the Porcupine Tree concert :)

On an extended hiatus

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.
Dear Reader,

Circumstances in my life have changed somewhat, and I feel the need to retreat a little from the public blogosphere for a while - maybe a long while at that. I don't know who reads this blog, and I don't really care (as you can infer since it's strictly a one-way conversation). I seriously doubt anyone reads this space who would miss it if it goes away. But as I said, I need to be a little more private for now to work on some things outside the public view. Depending on how things work out, I may or may not be back.

So here's the deal. I have many ways of communicating online, and this is but one of them. So if you are a dedicated reader, or if you know me in person and want to stay connected with me, send me an email at waterlily888@gmail.com and tell me who you are. If I want to stay in touch, I will tell you where you can find me elsewhere on the Internet. If I don't, then I'll write you a polite reply saying so. All emails will be answered - I promise.

Thank you for reading this far, and if I don't hear from you, then brightest blessings on your journey through life. Even though we may have never met, I've enjoyed our time here together.

Peace,
Michelle

Happy New Year!

It was a nice four-day New Year's weekend for me that will probably have some lasting repercussions going into 2010. I wanted to get everything down before this weekend's activities start.

On Thursday, New Year's Eve, Polina went with her family to Baltimore to visit friends and spend the holiday with them, so I invited my friend Bonnie (whom we visited at Christmas) over to my apartment to keep me company. We watched The Tale of Despereaux and The Last Unicorn (because she reads my blog, of course) and I got her started on Firefly by watching the first two episodes. When the clock neared midnight, I called Polina and we wished each other a happy New Year, and Bonnie did the same with her long-time partner, Hiba, who also attends our monthly women's poly group.

Bonnie stayed over and the next morning I woke up feeling headachy and nauseous, so I took some pain reliever and went back to bed to take a nap. Bonnie watched the Loony Tunes marathon on the Cartoon Network while keeping me company. Eventually the medicine took effect and I got up to make peanut noodles for Polina's New Year's Day party at her house.

We packed up everything and drove into Manhattan, where I dropped Bonnie off at the subway station to go back home to Queens while I continued down to Staten Island to help Katie and Polina get set up for the party. It was a masquerade party, so I decided to do my take on Neil Gaiman's Death of the Endless using a leather mask I'd bought at the New York Renaissance Festival last year when I went with my Open Love NY friends. For those of you who don't know this character, here's a representative drawing:



I drew Death's distinctive glyphs around my eyes, which you can see a little behind my mask. I think Polina is dressed as a very fancy mime.



Polina's parents stayed in Baltimore, so it was just the younger crowd this year, unlike last year's party when her whole family, including the Baltimore people, attended. Patrick and Alyssa, who attended Polina's karaoke party for her birthday, also sported some fancy outfits and masks:





We had a few first-time attendees this New Year's: Ryan and Aidan, who are both persons of interest for Polina right now. Aidan is a former classmate at Stuyvesant who now attends Cornell University, and of course Ryan is our resident BDSM guru.



Over the course of the evening, we played lots of games (Apples to Apples, Never Have I Ever, Mafia) and opened lots of presents. I gave Polina a whip/crop, a book on Japanese Rope Bondage, a Remo drum practice pad and Pro-Mark drumsticks that her school snare drum line uses so she can start practicing for tryouts in the fall; and more books - Castle Waiting, Death: The Time of Your Life and The High Cost of Living. Ryan performed some rope ties on Polina and me, and Polina and Louis performed some of their Argentine tango:



Rounding out the crowd were Anya and her boyfriend Peter, Dakotah, and their friend Vanessa. As it started getting close to 6 a.m. and the party was winding down, I set up my two air mattresses in the master bedroom and eight of us slept in that room while Peter and Anya shared the guest bedroom. The next day was spent looking at stuff online and general socializing as people started drifting off one by one.